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BBC News
19-07-2025
- Entertainment
- BBC News
'Old-school romance feels special': What is the controversial 'princess treatment' and why is Gen Z obsessed with it?
The social-media phenomenon has been growing online – part etiquette trend, part relationship aspiration, part fairytale. Is it empowering, a bit of fun, or something more sinister? We're used to seeing old-fashioned, high-society courtships played out on such TV shows as Bridgerton, The Buccaneers and The Gilded Age. But now the fascination with period-drama levels of chivalry has morphed into Gen Z's favourite fast-growing social-media phenomenon: "princess treatment". Just in case you've been too busy attending balls in glittering palaces to follow the latest camera-ready dating trend, princess treatment refers to various supposedly fairy tale-worthy gestures made by women's partners, including (but never limited to) lattes in bed, flowers every Friday, partner-funded pedicures, and doors being opened for you. In social-media posts, princess treatment is typically contrasted with the "bare minimum" (think: baseline expectations of communication and remembering birthdays). And, of course, such treatment is eminently clickable: social-media platforms have increasingly turned private acts of affection into public displays. But how healthy is it? Part etiquette trend, part relationship aspiration, part fantasy – is princess treatment empowering, a bit of fun, or a sinister kind of turbo-charged trad wife-ism? Nearly 130,000 Instagram posts congregate under the hashtag #princesstreatment. At the heart of the trend is Utah-based influencer Courtney Palmer, a self-proclaimed "princess housewife", whose TikTok – viewed 7.6 million times – outlines her controversial expectations for her spouse: "At a restaurant with my husband, I don't speak to the hostess, open doors or order my food." Some naysayers have suggested that this is more like the behaviour of a prisoner than a princess. Emma Beddington in The Guardian called it "emetic" and "disturbing". And yet princess treatment is resonating, particularly in the United States. Why princess treatment is resonating "In a time where dating can feel transactional and often confusing, old-school romance feels special," says Myka Meier, one of Instagram's biggest etiquette influencers. To Meier, who has more than 650,000 Instagram followers, princess treatment is less about materialism and more about emotional attentiveness. "The fantasy of being 'swept off your feet' taps into a universal desire for elegance, respect and intentionality," Meier tells the BBC. With a new Downton Abbey film coming this autumn, and the heroine of Lena Dunham's new Netflix series, Too Much, fantasising about being courted by a Mr Darcy-style suitor, there's no denying the current appetite for depictions of old-fashioned, high-society romance. The aforementioned Bridgerton, The Buccaneers and The Gilded Age, not to mention The Crown, have revived interest in old-fashioned wooing, and made a romanticised version of historical high-society courtship accessible to streaming audiences. These period dramas have "absolutely" influenced his audience's dating etiquette questions, says etiquette expert Daniel Post Senning, author of Manners in a Digital World. "Our stories colour how we make sense of our emotions," says Senning, who is the great-great grandson of manners doyenne Emily Post. How the US fell for fairytales Despite having broken free from subjecthood nearly 250 years ago, Americans have long been enchanted by royalty. When Queen Victoria was crowned in 1837, "Victoria Fever" swept the US; American women wanted to know everything about her – all the way down to her Chelsea Boots, says Arianne Chernock, a history professor at Boston University. By the mid-20th Century, Disney's animated Cinderella and Queen Elizabeth II's televised coronation had helped to popularise female royals even further. And today? "Americans are interested [in royalty] in the 20th and 21st Centuries because Americans have become players within the Royal Family," Chernock tells the BBC. In 1936, Wallis Simpson – a divorced Pennsylvania-born socialite – was at the centre of a constitutional crisis when King Edward VIII abdicated to marry her. Decades later, Prince Harry's marriage to California native Meghan Markle (now the Duchess of Sussex) reignited US attention. And, adds Chernock, Princess Diana, though British, became "the people's princess" across the Atlantic for her humanitarian work and celebrity. "Diana had huge followings in America," Chernock says. "In fact, she even contemplated moving to America, because she always felt more support here." Many Americans are fascinated by royalty precisely because it's not theirs, according to Chernock. Monarchy floats above the fray of US politics as a fantasy. "Queens and princesses provide this fusion of private and public unavailable to women in the US, with a gravitas and a political role that's not comparable to our American celebrities," she says. More like this:•How the 'dollar princesses' brought US flair to the UK• Why the 'Virgin Queen' never married• Is burlesque empowering or degrading to women? As the world has moved to online media and social platforms, public fascination with the lives of the rich and royal (both as real figures and fictional characters) has grown. However, while fictional depictions and social-media influencers focus on opulence and ease, real-life princesses also have tremendous soft power, allowing them to be major players when it comes to diplomacy. "Being a princess is hard work," argues Chernock. Empowering or rebranded regression? Princess treatment is something of a misnomer, then. Rather than describing the lifestyle of a princess, it seems to be the social-media spin on chivalry, says Senning. In its original medieval context, chivalry was a knightly system with a code of conduct. But in modern history, chivalry connotes men's traditional and courteous behavior towards women, which some scholars say is a reinforcement of traditional gender roles and a manifestation of "benevolent patriarchy". On the other hand, says Meier, simple acts like pulling out a chair or walking someone home can clarify your care for your partner or date. "Formality slows things down a bit, allows room for appreciation and adds a little layer of magic," she argues. Harmless enough, then? The rise of princess treatment has sparked fresh debate, but Chernock says that the discussion is nothing new. Society has long used the motif of the princess to explore ideas of womanhood and propriety. "[The princess treatment debate] is a referendum on women's roles in society, and there's never going to be a single perspective on that," she says. The debate is the latest in a line of highly gendered relationship discourses and follows on the heels of last summer's trad wife fever. Trad wives, or women who embrace and promote traditional gender roles, captivated their followers with their nostalgic (often blonde, bucolic) portrayals of domesticity. The two trends have striking parallels – as Rolling Stone put it recently: "Is 'princess treatment' the gateway drug trad wives have been waiting for?" Princess treatment's similar appeal to nostalgia has sparked its own conversation about power. Why stop at the tiara when you can demand "queen treatment"? Perhaps, to those who are tradwife-inclined, it is the implied passivity of the princess role that appeals. The queen title has a "fraught, political" connotation, suggests Chernock, whereas the princess is framed through the rose-tinted lens of youth, romance and Disney fantasy. And yet, while princess treatment may seem like a rebranding of retrograde gender roles, Chernock points out that, on one level, the appeal of princesses emerges from their strength. "When girls play princess," she says, "they are looking for permission to be commanding." Or maybe they don't need permission. After all, if it's women who are posting about princess treatment, isn't it women who are in charge? -- For more Culture stories from the BBC, follow us on Facebook, X and Instagram.
Yahoo
17-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Who wants to be treated like a princess?
Imagine walking in on your neighbor repeatedly spraying their spouse in the face with a water hose. In real life, this would warrant some concern. On TikTok, though, it's a part of the latest relationship test. Women online are listing a series of errands and romantic gestures and having their male partners guess which category of behavior they fall into: 'princess treatment' or the bare minimum. If they get it wrong, they're immediately hosed in the face. The trend, by and large, is all in good fun. Some couples seem to be in agreement on what are reasonable expectations in a relationship — and what demands are diva-level. According to some women, however, any favor a man can provide — no matter how arbitrary or unnecessary — should be considered the 'bare minimum.' In one TikTok, influencer Emma Moriarty expects her husband to give her the first bite of his food at a restaurant, pay for her parking tickets, and fill up her gas tank. 'It's from the same bank account!' her partner rebuts to the last scenario after getting splashed. These royal-inspired standards have been a hot topic over the past month thanks to influencer Courtney Palmer (@courtney_joelle). The self-proclaimed 'housewife princess' shared a video explaining the 'princess treatment' she receives from her husband when they go to restaurants. 'If I am at a restaurant with my husband, I don't speak to the hostess,' she says matter-of-factly. 'I do not open any doors, and I do not order my own food.' The video sparked immediate concern from users ('me when I'm a prisoner,' replied a commenter) and several parodies. Still, 'princess treatment' has proven to be somewhat of an irresistible concept online, as evidenced by the viral water hose game. The clips seem to be partly in jest, while still suggesting 'princess treatment' should be the norm. After all, Palmer isn't the only person promoting 'princess treatment' across the app. From strict rules around confirming dates to traditional dating gurus, women are being encouraged to take an increasingly high-maintenance approach to dating and relationships. But are high-maintenance demands as rewarding as they seem at first glance? And are they just making women passive in relationships? It's not an uncommon observation that TikTok isn't the best place to learn about dating and relationships — despite the fact that a sizable portion of Gen Z and millennials are receiving counsel from the app. It's not that users can't find solid guidance from credentialed relationship experts. It's just that the people and opinions that most routinely go viral are controversial or completely absurd. And much of this content — even when it's cloaked in the language of empowerment — has an overarching conservative or regressive bent. For women, in particular, online dating advice can be pretty bleak. On one end of the spectrum, you have content that fits squarely into the overtly religious, 'trad wife'mode of thinking. Christian influencers like Sprinkle of Jesus founder Dana Chanel and podcasts like Dear Future Wifey extol the values of submitting to your husband or weathering their mistreatment. A more subtly insidious version of this content frames traditional gender norms as radical, affirming, and indicative of a woman's worth, a la 'princess treatment.' SheraSeven (aka Leticia Padua, aka 'sprinkle sprinkle' lady) has become one of TikTok's foremost dating gurus for unabashedly promoting a 'gold digger' mentality. She maintains throughout her videos that a man's only purpose in a relationship is to provide, and that it's a woman's role is to receive. A similar self-styled expert, Russell Hartley, has become popular for his punchy digs at broke or stingy men who don't want to provide financially for their women. It's not hard to see why Padua and Hartley's content might sound amusing and maybe even refreshing. They prioritize women's comfort in relationships, while reducing men to charitable givers — something many women have probably experienced the exact opposite of. Meanwhile, an alarming amount of young men online are being told that the ideal woman is subservient. 'The whole manosphere is about what it means to be a 'high-value man' who gets a 'high-value woman,'' says Rachel Vanderbilt, relationship scientist and host of The Relationship Doctor Podcast. 'They have these expectations that women are going to have a low body count' — that is, a limited number of previous sexual partners — 'and are going to behave like mothers and be nurturing.' In the current hellscape that is heterosexuality, an excessively doting partner who's willing to take care of everything might sound appealing to some women. Solomon suggests these expectations might be an extreme response to bad treatment that they've witnessed, if not experienced, from men throughout their lives. 'I think a lot of cis-hetero women are looking at patterns in their families where they've either seen women be actively mistreated by male partners or where women have been rendered invisible by domestic and caregiving responsibilities,' she says. 'When we can identify something we don't want, our next move tends to be, so what instead? And our go-to is a 180.' These desires by certain women suggest a tension between the traditional values that are constantly being romanticized and the fact that women don't have to be as reliant on men as they once were. In 2023, a study by the Pew Research Center reported a growing number of married women, 29 percent, earning the same amount of money as their husbands, while 16 percent were the breadwinners of their households. Still, much dating advice suggests that women belong in a passive, dependent role. It's the same paradox behind 'princess treatment.' The power is all in theory, not in practice. Author and clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon suggests that the 'princess treatment' trend is an 'attempt to hold onto something that feels gender-traditional in the face of an economic reality that just is anything but.' 'What 'princess treatment' is saying is, 'no matter how much money he earns, what he's providing is a tremendous amount of comfort for me,'' she says. 'There's no economic cost to him pulling out my chair, but these are all the ways in which I feel cherished and chosen and protected and provided for.' On TikTok, being treated like a princess involves a never-ending list of rules and expectations that are high-maintenance, if not totally random. Last month, the newsletter Cartoon Hate Her observed what they dubbed the 'Princess Signaling Game,' an informal trend where women announce their strict but often virtueless standards for potential suitors on social media. This included a suggestion by a TikTok user that if a man doesn't confirm a date by 2 pm, he's immediately disposable. Having standards is necessary. But having these kinds of inflexible rules contributes to an extremely self-focused vision of dating that already thrives on TikTok. From 'ick' lists to red flags to beige flags, the process of finding a partner looks less like connecting with a person and more like a process of elimination based solely around our petty dislikes. These trends lack any interrogation of whether our wants are even valid or meaningful in a relationship. Like the 2 pm rule, they seem to promote antisocial behavior. 'Dating is a process of mutual curiosity and a desire to get to know each other, not a series of tests that someone needs to pass in order to move forward,' says Vanderbilt. ''Princess treatment' and all of these related videos are usually designed in secret with an expectation that most people are going to fail.' Overall, these sorts of assessments aren't exactly helpful in discerning a partner who's kind or caring, just someone who can check random boxes and jump through hoops. All of it speaks to a culture where men and women increasingly fail to relate to one another. 'Men are being told how to treat women and all of these ways to play hard to get,' says Vanderbilt. 'Then women are like, 'Men need to do all of these things and prove their value to me.' And so we're both speaking past each other instead of coming to dating as a human experience.' 😵💫 Need to unwind after a long day?
Vox
17-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Vox
Who wants to be treated like a princess?
is a culture writer interested in reality TV, movies, pop music, Black media, and celebrity culture. Previously, she wrote for the Daily Beast and contributed to several publications, including Vulture, W Magazine, and Bitch Media. Imagine walking in on your neighbor repeatedly spraying their spouse in the face with a water hose. In real life, this would warrant some concern. On TikTok, though, it's a part of the latest relationship test. Women online are listing a series of errands and romantic gestures and having their male partners guess which category of behavior they fall into: 'princess treatment' or the bare minimum. If they get it wrong, they're immediately hosed in the face. The trend, by and large, is all in good fun. Some couples seem to be in agreement on what are reasonable expectations in a relationship — and what demands are diva-level. According to some women, however, any favor a man can provide — no matter how arbitrary or unnecessary — should be considered the 'bare minimum.' In one TikTok, influencer Emma Moriarty expects her husband to give her the first bite of his food at a restaurant, pay for her parking tickets, and fill up her gas tank. 'It's from the same bank account!' her partner rebuts to the last scenario after getting splashed. Vox Culture Culture reflects society. Get our best explainers on everything from money to entertainment to what everyone is talking about online. Email (required) Sign Up By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice . This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. These royal-inspired standards have been a hot topic over the past month thanks to influencer Courtney Palmer (@courtney_joelle). The self-proclaimed 'housewife princess' shared a video explaining the 'princess treatment' she receives from her husband when they go to restaurants. 'If I am at a restaurant with my husband, I don't speak to the hostess,' she says matter-of-factly. 'I do not open any doors, and I do not order my own food.' The video sparked immediate concern from users ('me when I'm a prisoner,' replied a commenter) and several parodies. Still, 'princess treatment' has proven to be somewhat of an irresistible concept online, as evidenced by the viral water hose game. The clips seem to be partly in jest, while still suggesting 'princess treatment' should be the norm. After all, Palmer isn't the only person promoting 'princess treatment' across the app. From strict rules around confirming dates to traditional dating gurus, women are being encouraged to take an increasingly high-maintenance approach to dating and relationships. But are high-maintenance demands as rewarding as they seem at first glance? And are they just making women passive in relationships? It's not an uncommon observation that TikTok isn't the best place to learn about dating and relationships — despite the fact that a sizable portion of Gen Z and millennials are receiving counsel from the app. It's not that users can't find solid guidance from credentialed relationship experts. It's just that the people and opinions that most routinely go viral are controversial or completely absurd. And much of this content — even when it's cloaked in the language of empowerment — has an overarching conservative or regressive bent. For women, in particular, online dating advice can be pretty bleak. On one end of the spectrum, you have content that fits squarely into the overtly religious, 'trad wife'mode of thinking. Christian influencers like Sprinkle of Jesus founder Dana Chanel and podcasts like Dear Future Wifey extol the values of submitting to your husband or weathering their mistreatment. A more subtly insidious version of this content frames traditional gender norms as radical, affirming, and indicative of a woman's worth, a la 'princess treatment.' SheraSeven (aka Leticia Padua, aka 'sprinkle sprinkle' lady) has become one of TikTok's foremost dating gurus for unabashedly promoting a 'gold digger' mentality. She maintains throughout her videos that a man's only purpose in a relationship is to provide, and that it's a woman's role is to receive. A similar self-styled expert, Russell Hartley, has become popular for his punchy digs at broke or stingy men who don't want to provide financially for their women. It's not hard to see why Padua and Hartley's content might sound amusing and maybe even refreshing. They prioritize women's comfort in relationships, while reducing men to charitable givers — something many women have probably experienced the exact opposite of. Meanwhile, an alarming amount of young men online are being told that the ideal woman is subservient. 'The whole manosphere is about what it means to be a 'high-value man' who gets a 'high-value woman,'' says Rachel Vanderbilt, relationship scientist and host of The Relationship Doctor Podcast. 'They have these expectations that women are going to have a low body count' — that is, a limited number of previous sexual partners — 'and are going to behave like mothers and be nurturing.' In the current hellscape that is heterosexuality, an excessively doting partner who's willing to take care of everything might sound appealing to some women. Solomon suggests these expectations might be an extreme response to bad treatment that they've witnessed, if not experienced, from men throughout their lives. 'I think a lot of cis-hetero women are looking at patterns in their families where they've either seen women be actively mistreated by male partners or where women have been rendered invisible by domestic and caregiving responsibilities,' she says. 'When we can identify something we don't want, our next move tends to be, so what instead? And our go-to is a 180.' These desires by certain women suggest a tension between the traditional values that are constantly being romanticized and the fact that women don't have to be as reliant on men as they once were. In 2023, a study by the Pew Research Center reported a growing number of married women, 29 percent, earning the same amount of money as their husbands, while 16 percent were the breadwinners of their households. Still, much dating advice suggests that women belong in a passive, dependent role. It's the same paradox behind 'princess treatment.' The power is all in theory, not in practice. Author and clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon suggests that the 'princess treatment' trend is an 'attempt to hold onto something that feels gender-traditional in the face of an economic reality that just is anything but.' 'What 'princess treatment' is saying is, 'no matter how much money he earns, what he's providing is a tremendous amount of comfort for me,'' she says. 'There's no economic cost to him pulling out my chair, but these are all the ways in which I feel cherished and chosen and protected and provided for.' On TikTok, being treated like a princess involves a never-ending list of rules and expectations that are high-maintenance, if not totally random. Last month, the newsletter Cartoon Hate Her observed what they dubbed the 'Princess Signaling Game,' an informal trend where women announce their strict but often virtueless standards for potential suitors on social media. This included a suggestion by a TikTok user that if a man doesn't confirm a date by 2 pm, he's immediately disposable. Having standards is necessary. But having these kinds of inflexible rules contributes to an extremely self-focused vision of dating that already thrives on TikTok. From 'ick' lists to red flags to beige flags, the process of finding a partner looks less like connecting with a person and more like a process of elimination based solely around our petty dislikes. These trends lack any interrogation of whether our wants are even valid or meaningful in a relationship. Like the 2 pm rule, they seem to promote antisocial behavior. 'Dating is a process of mutual curiosity and a desire to get to know each other, not a series of tests that someone needs to pass in order to move forward,' says Vanderbilt. ''Princess treatment' and all of these related videos are usually designed in secret with an expectation that most people are going to fail.' Overall, these sorts of assessments aren't exactly helpful in discerning a partner who's kind or caring, just someone who can check random boxes and jump through hoops. All of it speaks to a culture where men and women increasingly fail to relate to one another. 'Men are being told how to treat women and all of these ways to play hard to get,' says Vanderbilt. 'Then women are like, 'Men need to do all of these things and prove their value to me.' And so we're both speaking past each other instead of coming to dating as a human experience.'
Vox
17-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Vox
The false romance of 'princess treatment'
is a culture writer interested in reality TV, movies, pop music, Black media, and celebrity culture. Previously, she wrote for the Daily Beast and contributed to several publications, including Vulture, W Magazine, and Bitch Media. Imagine walking in on your neighbor repeatedly spraying their spouse in the face with a water hose. In real life, this would warrant some concern. On TikTok, though, it's a part of the latest relationship test. Women online are listing a series of errands and romantic gestures and having their male partners guess which category of behavior they fall into: 'princess treatment' or the bare minimum. If they get it wrong, they're immediately hosed in the face. The trend, by and large, is all in good fun. Some couples seem to be in agreement on what are reasonable expectations in a relationship — and what demands are diva-level. According to some women, however, any favor a man can provide — no matter how arbitrary or unnecessary — should be considered the 'bare minimum.' In one TikTok, influencer Emma Moriarty expects her husband to give her the first bite of his food at a restaurant, pay for her parking tickets, and fill up her gas tank. 'It's from the same bank account!' her partner rebuts to the last scenario after getting splashed. Vox Culture Culture reflects society. Get our best explainers on everything from money to entertainment to what everyone is talking about online. Email (required) Sign Up By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice . This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. These royal-inspired standards have been a hot topic over the past month thanks to influencer Courtney Palmer (@courtney_joelle). The self-proclaimed 'housewife princess' shared a video explaining the 'princess treatment' she receives from her husband when they go to restaurants. 'If I am at a restaurant with my husband, I don't speak to the hostess,' she says matter-of-factly. 'I do not open any doors, and I do not order my own food.' The video sparked immediate concern from users ('me when I'm a prisoner,' replied a commenter) and several parodies. Still, 'princess treatment' has proven to be somewhat of an irresistible concept online, as evidenced by the viral water hose game. The clips seem to be partly in jest, while still suggesting 'princess treatment' should be the norm. After all, Palmer isn't the only person promoting 'princess treatment' across the app. From strict rules around confirming dates to traditional dating gurus, women are being encouraged to take an increasingly high-maintenance approach to dating and relationships. But are high-maintenance demands as rewarding as they seem at first glance? And are they just making women passive in relationships? It's not an uncommon observation that TikTok isn't the best place to learn about dating and relationships — despite the fact that a sizable portion of Gen Z and millennials are receiving counsel from the app. It's not that users can't find solid guidance from credentialed relationship experts. It's just that the people and opinions that most routinely go viral are controversial or completely absurd. And much of this content — even when it's cloaked in the language of empowerment — has an overarching conservative or regressive bent. For women, in particular, online dating advice can be pretty bleak. On one end of the spectrum, you have content that fits squarely into the overtly religious, 'trad wife'mode of thinking. Christian influencers like Sprinkle of Jesus founder Dana Chanel and podcasts like Dear Future Wifey extol the values of submitting to your husband or weathering their mistreatment. A more subtly insidious version of this content frames traditional gender norms as radical, affirming, and indicative of a woman's worth, a la 'princess treatment.' SheraSeven (a.k.a Leticia Padua, a.k.a 'sprinkle sprinkle' lady) has become one of TikTok's foremost dating gurus for unabashedly promoting a 'gold digger' mentality. She maintains throughout her videos that a man's only purpose in a relationship is to provide, and that it's a woman's role is to receive. A similar self-styled expert, Russell Hartley, has become popular for his punchy digs at broke or stingy men who don't want to provide financially for their women. It's not hard to see why Padua and Hartley's content might sound amusing and maybe even refreshing. They prioritize women's comfort in relationships, while reducing men to charitable givers — something many women have probably experienced the exact opposite of. Meanwhile, an alarming amount of young men online are being told that the ideal woman is subservient. 'The whole manosphere is about what it means to be a 'high-value man' who gets a 'high-value woman,'' says Rachel Vanderbilt, relationship scientist and host of The Relationship Doctor Podcast. 'They have these expectations that women are going to have a low body count' — that is, a limited number of previous sexual partners — 'and are going to behave like mothers and be nurturing.' In the current hellscape that is heterosexuality, an excessively doting partner who's willing to take care of everything might sound appealing to some women. Solomon suggests these expectations might be an extreme response to bad treatment that they've witnessed, if not experienced, from men throughout their lives. 'I think a lot of cis-hetero women are looking at patterns in their families where they've either seen women be actively mistreated by male partners or where women have been rendered invisible by domestic and caregiving responsibilities,' she says. 'When we can identify something we don't want, our next move tends to be, so what instead? And our go-to is a 180.' These desires by certain women suggest a tension between the traditional values that are constantly being romanticized and the fact that women don't have to be as reliant on men as they once were. In 2023, a study by the Pew Research Center reported a growing number of married women, 29 percent, earning the same amount of money as their husbands, while 16 percent were the breadwinners of their households. Still, much dating advice suggests that women belong in a passive, dependent role. It's the same paradox behind 'princess treatment.' The power is all in theory, not in practice. Author and clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon suggests that the 'princess treatment' trend is an 'attempt to hold onto something that feels gender-traditional in the face of an economic reality that just is anything but.' 'What 'princess treatment' is saying is, 'no matter how much money he earns, what he's providing is a tremendous amount of comfort for me,'' she says. 'There's no economic cost to him pulling out my chair, but these are all the ways in which I feel cherished and chosen and protected and provided for.' On TikTok, being treated like a princess involves a neverending list of rules and expectations that are high-maintenance, if not totally random. Last month, the newsletter Cartoon Hate Her observed what they dubbed the 'Princess Signaling Game,' an informal trend where women announce their strict but often virtueless standards for potential suitors on social media. This included a suggestion by a TikTok user that if a man doesn't confirm a date by 2 pm, he's immediately disposable. Having standards is necessary. But having these kinds of inflexible rules contributes to an extremely self-focused vision of dating that already thrives on TikTok. From 'ick' lists to red flags to beige flags, the process of finding a partner looks less like connecting with a person and more like a process of elimination based solely around our petty dislikes. These trends lack any interrogation of whether our wants are even valid or meaningful in a relationship. Like the 2 pm rule, they seem to promote antisocial behavior. 'Dating is a process of mutual curiosity and a desire to get to know each other, not a series of tests that someone needs to pass in order to move forward,' says Vanderbilt. ''Princess treatment' and all of these related videos are usually designed in secret with an expectation that most people are going to fail.' Overall, these sorts of assessments aren't exactly helpful in discerning a partner who's kind or caring, just someone who can check random boxes and jump through hoops. All of it speaks to a culture where men and women increasingly fail to relate to one another. 'Men are being told how to treat women and all of these ways to play hard to get,' says Vanderbilt. 'Then women are like, 'Men need to do all of these things and prove their value to me.' And so we're both speaking past each other instead of coming to dating as a human experience.'
Buzz Feed
14-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Buzz Feed
Dating 'Princess Treatment' Red Flags Alarm Experts
The 'princess treatment' TikTok dating trend has been making the rounds for the past year or so. It's mostly been pretty harmless, consisting of women showing off the romantic things their partners do for them — buying them flowers, surprising them with a home-cooked meal or giving them their jacket when they're cold. Recently, though, one creator has been making a lot of noise online with her incredibly divisive videos about her specific version of the princess treatment. Courtney Palmer, who goes by @courtney_joelle on TikTok, has become known as 'the princess treatment lady' in various (derogatory) comments and stitch responses to her original posts. Though Palmer has been posting about the 'princess treatment' for months, she went viral more recently for two specific videos — one where she shares she doesn't tie her own shoelaces and waits for her husband to do so, and one where she explains that she doesn't speak to waitstaff (or make eye contact?) when she's at a restaurant with her husband. All of this, Palmer claims, is done in an attempt to be more 'feminine' and let her husband be more 'masculine' by contrast. Predictably, the internet has had a strong reaction to Palmer's claims: 'It's giving cult or hostage situation,' one user commented on her restaurant video. 'Refusing to speak to, look at or aknowledge [sic] the hostess, server & others you encounter is just plain rude,' wrote someone else. 'Do you bring home a take out box for Offred?' asked a third person, referencing The Handmaid's Tale. Still, based on the number of likes her videos get, and the earnest questions she receives from followers, it's clear not everyone is here to hate-watch. The tradwife aesthetic Palmer is promoting has been attracting more and more women lately — you just have to look at the success of creators like Nara Smith and Hannah Neeleman to see how a pared-back life and extra-entrenched gender roles have become aspirational online. While there's nothing wrong with a woman staying at home should she choose (and have the resources) to do so, trends like the tradwife or princess treatment ones can quickly turn into something darker — just like the #girlboss trend did before them. 'Right off the bat, I can see how the idea of 'princess treatment' could appeal to women who want their male partners to be more romantic and take more initiative in making them feel special — in other words, traditional courtship,' Genesis Games, LMHC, a therapist, relationship expert, and founder of Healing Connections said. 'There's a difference, though, between clearly expressing reasonable expectations — like asking your partner to make dinner reservations, bring you flowers once a week or open doors for you — and completely making yourself small and helpless in your partner's presence.' For Games, Palmer is leaning far too heavily in the latter direction for comfort. Blaine Anderson, a matchmaker, dating coach and founder of Dating by Blaine, said she's not personally interested in replicating the kind of relationship Palmer has with her husband, but she doesn't think that in itself is a cause for concern. It's up to each of us to decide what dynamics feel good to us in a relationship, and if that includes a fairly extreme version of 'princess treatment,' Anderson suggests, that's fine, as long as it's mutually agreed upon. 'For all I know, the princess dynamic [Palmer] describes observing with her husband may actually work — and even feel healthy — for their relationship,' Anderson said. 'They're both adults, the dynamic sounds consensual, and she implies they both enjoy it. Her version of princess treatment sounds weird to me, but that doesn't necessarily make it unhealthy for her or her husband.' For Games, the dynamic that Palmer describes in her videos plays on heavily 'scripted' gender roles, which are derived from patriarchal norms. 'That's not to say traditional gender roles can't work for some people — they absolutely can. But for many, they don't,' Games said. 'Deeply rigid, traditional gender roles that leave no room for flexibility often harm both women and men. Men, in particular, are left without the space to navigate their feelings, ask for help, or simply show up as their authentic selves.' No matter how much you choose to follow traditional gender roles in your relationship, 'No one should feel silenced, dismissed, overburdened or overwhelmed,' Games adds. Meanwhile, Sabrina Zohar, a dating coach who is herself big on TikTok, isn't a fan of the patriarchal values built into the princess treatment trend, period. 'Think about what a princess actually represents — someone who inherited status through their father, not through their own accomplishments,' Zohar said. 'When adult women aspire to 'princess treatment,' they're essentially aspiring to powerlessness.' For Zohar, this trend feels less like a question of 'masculinity' vs. 'femininity,' and more like a way for people to cope with widespread burnout from all their responsibilities in an increasingly complex and scary world. 'I get it — when you're overwhelmed, the fantasy of someone else handling everything is appealing,' she said. 'But that's exactly what makes this trend so insidious. It's packaging escapism as romance. Instead of addressing why people are so desperate to opt out of their own lives, we're romanticizing dependency.' The problem with the 'princess treatment' taken too far isn't just the way it exploits antiquated gender roles, but also that it makes power imbalances seem desirable in a relationship. 'This trend is concerning because it's fundamentally based on an unbalanced dynamic,' Zohar said. 'The entire premise of 'princess treatment' relies on one partner anticipating needs while the other remains passive. When does that ever happen in real life?' For Zohar, the trend amounts to women wanting to be 'saved' from all their problems, rather than recognizing that they're perfectly capable of handling the minutiae of their daily lives. 'When we buy into this princess fantasy, we're not just setting ourselves up for disappointment — we're actively avoiding the personal growth that comes from handling our own lives.' It's not that romantic gestures aren't acceptable; of course they are. It's just that the 'princess treatment' framing is problematic from a relational health perspective. 'It creates this dynamic where one partner is the constant giver and the other is the constant receiver,' Zohar adds. 'That's not sustainable, and more importantly, it's not actually fulfilling for either person.' Love and care can be shown in many different ways — just because your partner isn't the best at buying you little gifts or opening the car door for you doesn't mean it's not a great relationship. And trends like this can make it messier to tell what is actually a realistic expectation to have for your relationship. 'The actual bare minimum should be mutual respect and effort, not one-sided service,' Zohar said. 'Real relationships require both people to show up, communicate their needs and work together. But that's not what goes viral. Instead, we get these curated moments that make people think their partner is failing if they're not constantly anticipating and serving.' Meanwhile, Games suggests that many creators who promote the 'princess treatment' are much wealthier than average. 'Many of them live in financial circumstances far removed from everyday reality, which can lead young women to believe that all men should be able to pay for monthly beauty routines, cover every dinner out, and buy designer bags just because,' Games said. 'This deeply skews young women's perceptions of what dating — or even marriage — should look like.' This is dangerous for men, too, who might come to believe that 'they have to 'earn' the right to be loved,' Games said. 'I worry that young men might not even 'shoot their shot,' as they say, because they feel they're not worthy if they can't afford a first date at Nobu. And I worry that young women might overlook partners who could be truly compatible simply because their expectations have been pushed far beyond reality.' Many people online have likened Palmer's version of the princess treatment to a dominant/submissive (D/s) kink, or even to a daddy dom/little girl (DD/LG) kink. But for all three experts we spoke to, that read is reductive: 'I can absolutely see 'princess treatment' fitting into a D/s dynamic or kink context; however, people don't live their entire lives in kink mode,' Games said. 'So if you engage in some of these submissive behaviors from time to time because it turns you and your partner on — keep on keeping on! But living in a highly scripted, one-sided dynamic day in and day out, that's where my concern lies.' Anderson understands how the princess treatment trend could be interpreted as related to a D/s dynamic, but doesn't think it really fits the bill. 'Women demanding princess treatment clearly expect to set the tone in their relationships — that's a dominant posture, even if these women are unaware of it, or the 'princess treatment' label implies otherwise,' Anderson said. 'In a real D/s relationship, the submissive isn't making demands.' Zohar, meanwhile, is deeply wary of calling this trend a kink. 'In genuine D/s dynamics, there's explicit negotiation, clear boundaries, and most importantly — consent and awareness from both parties about the power exchange,' she said. 'What we're seeing with 'princess treatment' isn't that. It's not a consciously chosen dynamic with safe words and check-ins. It's people unconsciously recreating unequal power structures and calling it romance.' Zohar emphasizes that exploring genuine kinks is a totally valid desire, but that it's a very different phenomenon from the one we're seeing in the princess treatment trend. 'The princess treatment trend isn't about consensual power exchange; it's about avoiding adult responsibility and calling it romance,' Zohar said. 'When we confuse the two, we're not just misunderstanding kink — we're using it as an excuse to avoid questioning why so many people want to opt out of being equal partners in their own relationships.' Can 'Princess Treatment' Ever Really Be Healthy? Zohar can't see the 'princess treatment' dynamic ever working in a healthy way. 'Healthy relationships involve reciprocal care, not one person being served,' she said. 'What would be healthy is both partners making each other feel valued through their actions — and that includes both giving and receiving. It's about partnership, not performance.' Games suggests making a version of 'princess treatment' work for your relationship by sharing the small gestures that mean a lot to you with your partner. 'Consider how realistic it is for your partner to engage in them, and how frequently. Also, be curious about what makes your partner feel special and learn the meaning behind those gestures for them. Let your partner know whether their expectations feel reasonable and work together to find a compromise.' At the end of the day, it's about finding the right balance. 'While chivalry and romantic gestures are beautiful, there's no need to veer into extremes where women are encouraged to make themselves small and fade into the background in the presence of men,' Games said. 'There absolutely is a reality where women can show up as their full, authentic selves without emasculating men. That's what we should be striving for.' HuffPost.
