Latest news with #DeidreAfterDark
Scottish Sun
03-07-2025
- General
- Scottish Sun
I was having casual affair with married man – but we've now fallen for each other and I'm drowning in guilt
I'm still living with my boyfriend, going through the motions and drowning in guilt. I've lied to everyone around me, including myself DEAR DEIDRE I was having casual affair with married man – but we've now fallen for each other and I'm drowning in guilt DEAR DEIDRE: FORBIDDEN sex is the most thrilling sort, but the married man I hoped to keep on the side has fallen for me – and I have done the same. I know things are about to get complicated. I'm 31 and have been with my boyfriend for four years. Advertisement Things between us have been flat for a while. We barely talk any more, and I've felt invisible for months. So when I met a beautiful, charismatic man on a project at work, I couldn't help myself. He's 45, married with three young kids, and at first it was just a bit of flirty banter. But the chemistry between us was undeniable, and it wasn't long before things turned physical. The sex was out of this world — intense and so passionate. At first, he made it clear he wasn't looking to leave his wife, and I told myself I could handle that. Advertisement Keeping things casual made sense for both of us. But no matter how hard we tried to fight it, it hasn't stayed that way. We've become emotionally attached. He messages me constantly, says he can't stop thinking about me, and has even started talking about a future together. Meanwhile, I'm still living with my boyfriend, going through the motions and drowning in guilt. I've lied to everyone around me, including myself. Advertisement Part of me wants to believe it could work with him. But the other part is terrified it will all come crashing down. DEIDRE SAYS: You've been swept up in a passionate and intense affair, and while those feelings may feel real, they're unfolding in a situation built on secrecy, guilt and betrayal. Of course you crave passion when your current relationship feels flat, but an affair rarely provides the foundation for a lasting and secure relationship. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships As hard as it is to accept, the longer this continues, the more pain it's likely to cause for you and everyone involved. Advertisement Even if he says he wants a future with you, walking away from his wife and children wouldn't be simple. There are deep emotional ties, practical complications and long-term consequences. It's time to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Ending that relationship respectfully is the first step towards a future free of dishonesty. I'm sending you my support pack, Moving On, to help you process this and find closure. Advertisement Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. PARANOID SAME-SEX PARTNER MAY STRAY DEAR DEIDRE: A SIMPLE bunch of flowers has completely derailed my confidence in my relationship. I'm 28, my girlfriend is 30, and we've been together for a year. This is my first serious same-sex relationship. She's openly bisexual and very outgoing, with loads of friends, including men. I've never had reason to distrust her. Last week, a guy she works with sent a bouquet to her desk after she helped him through a rough patch. She told me straight away and laughed it off, saying it was nothing – just a kind gesture. Advertisement But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I keep worrying that she's hiding something from me, and it's making me paranoid and anxious. She says I'm overthinking things, but I can't seem to shake this sinking feeling. Am I just being insecure, or is my gut trying to warn me? DEIDRE SAYS: It's understandable that the flowers triggered anxiety, especially as this is your first serious same-sex relationship. But your girlfriend was honest with you. Advertisement That shows openness, not deceit. It's likely the gesture was innocent. What's important now is unpacking where your fear is coming from. Is it insecurity about her bisexuality or worry that she might leave you? Talk to her and work through these feelings together. My support pack, Dealing With Jealousy, should help. SON HAS NO HOME, HOW CAN I HELP? DEAR DEIDRE: MY son is homeless with nowhere to go, and I don't know how to help. I'm worried sick he's falling apart, and I'm scared he won't be able to find a way out. I'm his 59-year-old mum, and he's 28. He's been homeless for weeks after his girlfriend kicked him out following a huge row. She'd always been nasty and controlling – isolating him from friends and making him feel worthless. He's been sofa surfing with friends and family, but it's not a long-term solution. He calls me almost every day, asking for money. I can't have him live with me, as my home is too small. It breaks my heart to see him struggling, and I hate feeling helpless. His girlfriend's behaviour has taken a toll on him, and I fear he's losing hope. I want to support him, but I'm drained and worried I might be enabling him. DEIDRE SAYS: It's clear you love your son and want to help. While it's painful to see him struggling, setting boundaries is important for both of you. Encourage him to contact (0344 515 2000), which offers advice and support for people facing homelessness. Keep communication open so he knows you're there emotionally, but be cautious about enabling dependence with money. Remember, you can't fix everything, but guiding him towards the right resources will help him to find a way forward. FEEL I'M BEING TAKEN FOR A RIDE DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend only seems to love me when I've got my wallet out. Advertisement I'm a 39-year-old woman, and he's 33. We've been seeing each other for more than two years, but it's never been stable. He disappears for weeks, then pops back up with sweet messages and promises – usually around his birthday or Christmas. Last year, he sent me a wishlist with designer clothes and trainers, and I stupidly spent nearly £400. I've paid his phone bill, sent him money and even covered a speeding fine. He always thanks me, tells me he loves me and couldn't do life without me, but then he goes cold. The affection dries up, he stops replying, and I'm left wondering what I did wrong. Advertisement The cycle always repeats. He comes back when he needs something and showers me with charm, and I fall for it every time. I don't want to believe he's using me, but I feel more like a bank than a boyfriend. I love him, but I'm exhausted and confused. Is this love – or am I just being taken for a ride? DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship is taking far more from you than it's giving back – emotionally, financially and mentally. Real love isn't transactional, and doesn't vanish when you put your credit card away. Advertisement This pattern – warm affection followed by silence then sudden reappearances when he needs something – is classic exploitation. Of course he says he loves you when he's getting what he wants. You deserve a partner who values you for who you are, not what you can give. Take some time to reflect on what you want from a relationship. Setting clear boundaries, especially with money, will help you see his true intentions.
Scottish Sun
30-06-2025
- General
- Scottish Sun
I'm having passionate sex and falling for late husband's brother – would in-laws accept our relationship?
My husband's parents have said they know I'll move on and would give me their blessing — but they're so old-fashioned DEAR DEIDRE I'm having passionate sex and falling for late husband's brother – would in-laws accept our relationship? Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband died in a work accident three years ago. Now I'm sharing a bed with his brother but we can't tell anyone. When my husband fell from a roof three years ago, I was devastated. He was the only man I'd ever loved. He was 29 and I was 28. We'd been married for a year. I've always been close with his family. His brother was my rock through that terrible time. His brother is 34 and divorced. During the week he would check up on me and we would spend longer together at weekends. He'd pull up with a picnic in the car or tell me that we were going to the coast. He was charming and respectful. My late husband and his brother were close but they are very different characters. Still, when I close my eyes sometimes I think he sounds just like my husband. We were at the beach one Saturday and it had been such a perfect day we decided to get some dinner before catching the train home. During our meal, he asked whether I'd consider dating. When I said yes, he said, 'Would you consider dating me?'. I was shocked but at that moment realised that deep down, I'd had feelings for him for a long time. We ended up booking a room in a pretty B&B and had an amazing night together. The sex was passionate and emotional because of the connection with my husband. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships We are now meeting regularly but nobody else knows. His parents have said to me that they know I'll move on and they would give me their blessing — but they are so old-fashioned, I doubt they would accept this. DEIDRE SAYS: Both of you are consenting adults and you can do as you wish. If your in-laws loved you and welcomed you into the family before, after such a tragedy, happiness for their son and for you may be their ultimate wish. The brothers will no doubt have similar traits, hence the attraction for you, but you do need to ensure that you have some bereavement counselling, so that you can be certain this man is right for you. Be wary of unconsciously trying to replace the husband you loved so much. My support pack called Coping With Bereavement will show you where to find emotional support. When you feel more confident about the reasons you're together, you can work out how to tackle your in-laws. Good luck! Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. MUM AND WIFE ARE SWORN ENEMIES DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my mum is in our house with my wife I can't relax. They hate each other. I'm a 41-year-old man and an only child. Mum is 67 and I guess she never imagined me leaving home. But when I met my wife through a friend, it was love at first sight. We moved in together within six months and bought a house when I got a promotion at work. The issue is, it's 200 miles away from Mum. She never liked the fact my relationship happened quickly or that I moved away. She sees my wife as the catalyst. My wife doesn't like my mother because she's critical of her cooking and laundry skills – everything she used to do for me, really. When Mum comes to stay, it's for a week at a time and there are always fireworks. What can I do? DEIDRE SAYS: I'm afraid you have to sort this out. Your mum has to accept that you're a grown man. Have a word with her, explaining that while nobody can replace her, it is upsetting if she's critical of your wife in her own home. Tell her that you want her to try to get along. Maybe there are some activities or outings that would take them away from home, which may ease the pressure. When your mother next decides to visit, take some holiday from work so that you are there to dilute the situation. MY MAN HAD SEX WITH A BLOKE AND GAVE ME STI DEAR DEIDRE: I SET a honey trap for my husband and he fell for it hook, line and sinker. It was because I'd caught gonorrhoea from him – but the worst thing was, he'd caught it from another man. It shouldn't matter how he caught it, but it's made my marriage feel like a sham. I'm a 34 year old woman and my husband is 37. We've been together for ten years. When my doctor told me what I had, I looked at my husband's iPad and was horrified to find messages from several other men. Some mentioned the sex they had enjoyed. The messages always coincided with me being on nights. I registered with the site myself, posing as a man and I reached out to him. He took the bait and went along to meet 'Tony' – but, of course, it was me. He was shocked, denying he'd done anything wrong. I've thrown him out but now he's hassling me, saying he wants me back. DEIDRE SAYS: If he's not able to be honest about his cheating or sexuality, it's hard to see how you can recover from this. He has betrayed your trust. You now have evidence he's willing to cheat, jeopardising your sexual health. Nobody deserves that. Please make an appointment for STI treatment. An impartial counsellor will help you decide what to do now. Find support at 020 7380 1975). ANONYMOUS TEXT SAYS SHE CHEATS DEAR DEIDRE: I AM too scared to tackle my wife about her 'boyfriend' in case what I've heard about her is true and our marriage is over. We've been together 11 years and I love her to bits. She's 41 and I'm 45. She never learnt to drive because she was brought up in London, but after we met, we moved out to the countryside. She had a part-time job in a village shop and I work for an engineering company. She started behaving a bit differently, taking more pride in her appearance but I thought it was all for my benefit. Then she started asking me for lifts into town to 'meet some friends', which I didn't mind doing. I was at home one evening watching TV when I got a WhatsApp message from a number I didn't know saying: 'Sorry mate, but I've just seen your wife kissing another guy.' I tried phoning the WhatsApp number, but the call was declined. Things are falling into place and I am wondering whether I've been giving her a lift so that she can meet this guy. She knows something is wrong and keeps asking if I'm OK but I don't know what to say. DEIDRE SAYS: Allowing this to fester is going to make you more angry and upset. Find a quiet moment together and tell her why you've been acting so out of character. Explain about the message and listen carefully to how she handles the confrontation. You'll know pretty much straight away from her body language if she's lying. If she says they are friends, ask if you can meet him. If something has made your wife have her head turned, you need to know what it is so you can do something to improve your relationship. My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It? may help you see that it's not definitely over just yet.
The Irish Sun
13-06-2025
- Entertainment
- The Irish Sun
I want to watch my girl flirt with another man as it really turns me on but I worry she's too shy
DEAR DEIDRE: The idea of watching my girlfriend flirt with another man really turns me on – but I think she's too shy to do it. She has promised she'll give it a go for me. But it's been months since I asked, and it still hasn't happened. She says she hasn't had the opportunity yet. We've been in a relationship for a year. We're both in our late 20s. She didn't have many relationships before me, and is a very quiet, sweet person. To begin with, she was into vanilla sex and wasn't very experienced. That didn't bother me as it made me feel special. And over the course of our relationship, she's really become much more adventurous. We play sex games and have enjoyed role playing. She will dress up in school uniform, and I'll pretend to be the teacher. I find her incredibly sexy, and I know lots of other men must envy me for being with such a gorgeous girl. What I'd really like is to see other guys chat her up and watch her flirt back, knowing that it's me she's coming home to bed with. Then, as we have sex, she'd tell me every detail of the encounter. She'd describe what it would be like to have sex with them too. I can't stop myself from fantasising about this. When I asked her to do it, she seemed surprised, and yet she agreed. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships But we go out and she won't leave my side. And when she's out with her friends she comes back and says nobody chatted her up — which I find hard to believe. Is she telling the truth or does she not want to do it? Am I wrong to ask? DEIDRE SAYS: Wanting to watch or hear about your girlfriend flirting with other guys is a type of cuckolding. It's possible she hasn't done it because she's shy. Or maybe it simply makes her feel uncomfortable – like she's being disloyal to you. She might worry you'll feel jealous or stop trusting her. Remember, this is your sexual fantasy, not hers. It may simply not turn her on. She said yes to please you, but carrying it out is a completely different matter. If you care about her, you won't want to make her do anything that she doesn't enjoy. Perhaps, instead, you could talk about this fantasy in bed in an imaginary way. Ask her to invent scenarios and men. You might find this is just as much a turn-on – and it's risk-free. See my support pack, Sexual Fantasies And You, for more advice. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the THANK YOU FOR... HELPING DAUGHTER STOP SELF-HARMING DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I discovered my 11-year-old daughter was self-harming, I was so anxious. I already knew she was neurodiverse and had problems expressing her emotions, but realising she was cutting herself – and at such a young age – was terrifying. I was scared she didn't understand the seriousness of what she was doing, and that she could really hurt herself. And I realised I had no idea how to help her – and that made me feel like a failure as a mother. Desperate, I reached out to you. You were so understanding, explaining that often people self-harm as a way of relieving internal pain they cannot communicate. I appreciated your advice to give her lots of reassurance and hugs, so she knew she was safe and loved. We've since been in contact with the mental health charity for children, Young Minds ( Thank you, Deidre, for your kindness and for taking the time to listen and advise. DEIDRE SAYS: Young Minds is a great charity, which can help you access trained therapists and psychiatrists. I really hope things continue to improve for your daughter. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: I AM heartbroken because my ex-boyfriend didn't even care when I was in hospital. I thought he loved me but it seems what he said was a lie, and I feel like I've wasted years on him for nothing. We're both 18 and met at school. We were together for two years. He wouldn't let me be friends with other boys, and when I did well in my exams, he wasn't happy for me. I had a car accident and he didn't even come to see me. I've now broken up with him, but I can't get over him. DEIDRE SAYS: First love is so intense, but I promise in time you will feel happier. This guy sounds controlling and selfish, and you deserve so much better. Be kind to yourself and try not to contact him, so you have time to heal. My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, will help. CONTROLLING HUSBAND WON'T LET ME LEAVE HIM DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years in an unhappy marriage, I've realised my husband is a narcissist and our relationship is toxic. I've asked him for a divorce and he can't accept it. He is love bombing me like he did at the start – sending apologetic messages and saying how good we are together. But I know none of it is true. We've been together for 20 years and have two children. I'm 46 and he's 48. Over the years, he's become increasingly nasty when he doesn't get his way. He's controlling and puts me down. He made me believe my friends and family didn't care about me, and one by one I've lost nearly all of them. I believe he likes seeing me lonely and depressed. My eyes have been opened. I can see our marriage wasn't built on love, but on fear, and I've had to change myself so much that I now feel completely empty. He's made me so dependent on him that I was afraid he'd leave me. So if I stood up to him, he'd threaten divorce. Last time he did it, I called his bluff and said divorce was what I wanted. Now he says he can't live without me, and it's not fair to the kids if we break up. Can you help? DEIDRE SAYS: It's natural to feel scared and sad. You're grieving the marriage you wished you'd had, and your husband has destroyed your self-esteem to the point that you no longer believe you can manage without him. But you can build yourself back up. Talking to a counsellor or a trusted loved one will help you maintain the confidence to consider and even move forward with leaving him. Getting away from this toxicity would certainly help you and your children thrive. You need support. Don't be afraid to reach out to your estranged friends and family who probably miss you and worry. My support pack, Abusive Partner, has details of organisations who can help you. MEDS DESTROYED MY LIBIDO DEAR DEIDRE: PRESCRIPTION medication has really helped my mental health, but it has destroyed my libido. As a result, I haven't had a sex life for several years, and I don't even masturbate any more. I'm a 30-year-old guy. My last relationship was when I was 24. I've suffered from depression on and off since I was a teenager. Luckily, I found a really good doctor who put me on antidepressants and anti- I've got a good job and social life, and feel pretty stable. The only thing missing is a relationship. I'd really like to meet someone again, but I don't know how I could. What woman would be interested in me, if I have no desire to have sex with her? Should I stop taking the drugs for a while and see what happens? DEIDRE SAYS: Some antidepressants, such as SSRIs, are known to affect libido and sexual function. But it's never a good idea to stop taking your medication without a doctor's advice, as you might have unpleasant or dangerous side effects. See your GP – there may be a different medication that won't affect your sex drive. Or you could be ready to be weaned off altogether. In the meantime, when it comes to meeting someone, remember the best relationships develop from friendships. Take time getting to know women as friends so that when you're ready for sex, you're with someone understanding, who likes you for yourself.
Scottish Sun
06-06-2025
- Scottish Sun
My girlfriend dumped me after she had several affairs – and is lying to friends and family that I'm the cheater
Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: MY lazy girlfriend spent all day on TikTok and social media, while I worked, cleaned the house and looked after the kids. Now I've learned she was constantly setting up new hook-ups and conducting several affairs. I'm not even sure if both my children are actually mine, or if I've been bringing up one of her lovers' kids. Talk about disrespect. Now she has thrown me out and told everyone I'm the one who has been cheating on her, so they think I'm the bad guy. I don't know what to do. I'm 42 and she's 40. We've been together for 12 years and have two children, aged ten and eight. If I'm honest, she treated me badly from the start. She often lied about where she was going, met up with exes who she pretended were just friends and secretly messaged other men. But she was always ready with a good excuse and she used her charms to reel me back in. We only had sex when she wanted it, the way she wanted it. She'd use it to control me. A couple of years after we had our first baby, a man turned up saying the boy was his. I was gutted as, by then, I loved the child. She denied it, of course. After that, we had patches where things were OK, but then she'd start being secretive again. If I said anything it would end up in a huge, nasty row. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships Last week, out of the blue, she told me to pack my stuff and leave. She accused me of having an affair — which is ridiculous, as there is no time, with a full-time job, housework and all the childcare. She has told her friends and family the same story, so they hate me. She said she'd just started seeing someone else. I think she has actually been seeing him for months. I feel like I've been used, chewed up and spat out. But if I tell people the truth they won't believe me. Please help. DEIDRE SAYS: You've been in an abusive relationship with a woman who sounds like a narcissist. She gaslit you – and everyone else – and now it sounds like she's moved on to her next prey. This is not your fault. You're a good man who has tried to do your best for your family. You need support for your emotional health, advice to make sure you continue to have a relationship with your children and that you get what you're legally entitled to. Don't worry about what others think. I'm sure they're aware of what she's really like. My support pack, Abusive Partner, will show you where to get help. For advice on your rights, contact Both Parents Matter ( 0300 0300 363). Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. Thank you for advice when my guy faced a trial DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my partner faced imprisonment, leaving me and our three children to manage alone, I was petrified. He was charged with assault and due to stand trial. I believed he was innocent, but we were warned he could face several years in prison. I'm in my mid-40s and we have been together since we were teenagers. The long lead-up to the trial was making me so anxious, and I didn't know how I'd be able to cope if he was sent down. But I couldn't tell him how worried I was as I didn't want to upset him more. I knew I needed to stay strong for our kids and stop feeling so depressed and weepy, so I wrote to you for advice. You were so understanding, telling me I needed support and shouldn't keep my feelings inside. You recommended I contact a charity called Prisoners' Families ( 0808 808 2003) who could guide me through what to expect, and be there for me. I appreciated that you didn't patronise me, acknowledging that simply saying 'don't worry' wasn't going to help. You sent me your support pack on Coping With Stress, which showed me ways to relax. Although I am still very anxious, I now feel better able to cope. Thank you Deidre. DEIDRE SAYS: I'm glad that my advice helped – but you're stronger than you think. Remember, there is support out there if your partner does go to prison. HURT BY HIS SEX TALK WITH EX, BUT I WANT TO REUNITE DEAR DEIDRE: I BROKE up with my boyfriend because he told his ex intimate details about our relationship, but now I'm wondering if I made a big mistake. I'm not sure if I can trust him, but I miss and love him. We're both in our late 20s and were together for 11 months. As our relationship developed, he sent out strong signals that he was thinking about marriage and was going to propose. But then I found out he was still good friends with his ex. She has a new partner, so I wasn't jealous, but I did feel uncomfortable. One day, a message from her flashed up on his WhatsApp. It asked if he'd had any more luck getting me into bed. I was horrified and humiliated, and had a massive row with my boyfriend, which led to us breaking up. We got back together, but after that I found it hard to trust him. He admitted he didn't want to give up his friendship with his ex. He also said that he wasn't ready to get married, and didn't know if he ever would be. I decided to end the relationship again. Now I'm not sure I did the right thing. I can't stop thinking about him. DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your ex boyfriend wasn't as happy about waiting for sex as he'd first appeared. It was wrong of him to share intimate details with his ex, but perhaps he needed to talk to someone he trusted. In a way, it's good he's been honest now and made it clear he isn't ready for marriage. It also sounds like he's not completely over his ex. If marriage is what you want, then perhaps it's better for you to find someone who shares your values and is ready for that commitment. If you get back together, the same issues will inevitably crop up again. It would be helpful for you to talk this through with a counsellor. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: ONE of my mates believes I'm her best friend, but I find her spoiled and annoying. Three of us hang out together, but it's the other girl who's really my best pal, and she just gets in the way. We're all 16 and at school together. Last weekend, she got upset because she didn't want to go to a particular shop, so my best friend and I just went together. She says we should have included her and gone somewhere else. It's causing stress. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Friendship groups can be tricky, as someone is always going to feel excluded. She sounds insecure. Maybe she's aware you prefer your other friend. Try to explain, kindly. But if things don't get better, you might need to distance yourself from her. My support pack, Rows With Friends, should help.
The Irish Sun
06-06-2025
- The Irish Sun
My girlfriend dumped me after she had several affairs – and is lying to friends and family that I'm the cheater
DEAR DEIDRE: MY lazy girlfriend spent all day on TikTok and social media, while I worked, cleaned the house and looked after the kids. Now I've learned she was constantly setting up new hook-ups and conducting several affairs. I'm not even sure if both my children are actually mine, or if I've been bringing up one of her lovers' kids. Talk about disrespect. Now she has thrown me out and told everyone I'm the one who has been cheating on her, so they think I'm the bad guy. I don't know what to do. I'm 42 and she's 40. We've been together for 12 years and have two children, aged ten and eight. If I'm honest, she treated me badly from the start. She often lied about where she was going, met up with exes who she pretended were just friends and secretly messaged other men. But she was always ready with a good excuse and she used her charms to reel me back in. We only had sex when she wanted it, the way she wanted it. She'd use it to A couple of years after we had our first baby, a man turned up saying the boy was his. I was gutted as, by then, I loved the child. She denied it, of course. After that, we had patches where things were OK, but then she'd start being secretive again. If I said anything it would end up in a huge, nasty row. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships Last week, out of the blue, she told me to pack my stuff and leave. She accused me of having an affair — which is ridiculous, as there is no time, with a full-time job, housework and all the childcare. She has told her friends and family the same story, so they hate me. She said she'd just started seeing someone else. I think she has actually been seeing him for months. I feel like I've been used, chewed up and spat out. But if I tell people the truth they won't believe me. Please help. DEIDRE SAYS: You've been in an abusive relationship with a woman who sounds like a narcissist. She This is not your fault. You're a good man who has tried to do your best for your family. You need support for your emotional health, advice to make sure you continue to have a relationship with your children and that you get what you're legally entitled to. Don't worry about what others think. I'm sure they're aware of what she's really like. My support pack, Abusive Partner, will show you where to get help. For advice on your rights, contact Both Parents Matter ( Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the Thank you for advice when my guy faced a trial DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my partner faced imprisonment, leaving me and our three children to manage alone, I was petrified. He was charged with assault and due to stand trial. I believed he was innocent, but we were warned he could face several years in prison. I'm in my mid-40s and we have been together since we were teenagers. The long lead-up to the trial was making me so anxious, and I didn't know how I'd be able to cope if he was sent down. But I couldn't tell him how worried I was as I didn't want to upset him more. I knew I needed to stay strong for our kids and stop feeling so depressed and weepy, so I wrote to you for advice. You were so understanding, telling me I needed support and shouldn't keep my feelings inside. You recommended I contact a charity called Prisoners' Families ( I appreciated that you didn't patronise me, acknowledging that simply saying 'don't worry' wasn't going to help. You sent me your support pack on Coping With Stress, which showed me ways to relax. Although I am still very anxious, I now feel better able to cope. Thank you Deidre. DEIDRE SAYS: I'm glad that my advice helped – but you're stronger than you think. Remember, there is support out there if your partner does go to prison. HURT BY HIS SEX TALK WITH EX, BUT I WANT TO REUNITE DEAR DEIDRE: I BROKE up with my boyfriend because he told his ex intimate details about our relationship, but now I'm wondering if I made a big mistake. I'm not sure if I can trust him, but I miss and love him. We're both in our late 20s and were together for 11 months. As our relationship developed, he sent out strong signals that he was thinking about marriage and was going to propose. But then I found out he was still good friends with his ex. She has a new partner, so I wasn't jealous, but I did feel uncomfortable. One day, a message from her flashed up on his WhatsApp. It asked if he'd had any more luck getting me into bed. I was horrified and humiliated, and had a massive row with my boyfriend, which led to us breaking up. We got back together, but after that I found it hard to trust him. He admitted he didn't want to give up his friendship with his ex. He also said that he wasn't ready to get married, and didn't know if he ever would be. I decided to end the relationship again. Now I'm not sure I did the right thing. I can't stop thinking about him. DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your ex boyfriend wasn't as happy about waiting for sex as he'd first appeared. It was wrong of him to share intimate details with his ex, but perhaps he needed to talk to someone he trusted. In a way, it's good he's been honest now and made it clear he isn't ready for marriage. It also sounds like he's not completely over his ex. If marriage is what you want, then perhaps it's better for you to find someone who shares your values and is ready for that commitment. If you get back together, the same issues will inevitably crop up again. It would be helpful for you to talk this through with a counsellor. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: ONE of my mates believes I'm her best friend, but I find her spoiled and annoying. Three of us hang out together, but it's the other girl who's really my best pal, and she just gets in the way. We're all 16 and at school together. Last weekend, she got upset because she didn't want to go to a particular shop, so my best friend and I just went together. She says we should have included her and gone somewhere else. It's causing stress. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Friendship groups can be tricky, as someone is always going to feel excluded. She sounds insecure. Maybe she's aware you prefer your other friend. Try to explain, kindly. But if things don't get better, you might need to distance yourself from her. My support pack, Rows With Friends, should help. Not measuring up DEAR DEIDRE: STANDING in the gym showers, I couldn't help noticing my penis doesn't measure up to other men's. I'm worried I'm I'm a 22-year-old guy. I've always thought my penis was on the small side – only a couple of centimetres flaccid – especially when compared to the men in porn films. But everything I read tells me size doesn't matter and that porn stars' penises are enormous compared to the average. So, I wasn't concerned, until I joined a new gym with communal showers. All the other guys looked so much larger than me. It made me feel really insecure. I'm not very sexually experienced, and my ex didn't say anything. Maybe she was just being nice. Is there anything I can do to make my penis larger? DEIDRE SAYS: Like ears and noses, penises come in all shapes and sizes, and their length when flaccid bears little relation to their erect size. Besides, many women feel girth is more important than length during sex. Also, looking down at your own penis has a foreshortening effect. It's probably not smaller than the other men's you compared it to – you're just viewing it from a different angle. Try not to worry. If your ex seemed satisfied in bed, why would you want to make your penis larger? While there are some implements and procedures that claim to increase size, they have a negligible effect, and surgery isn't recommended. Read my support pack, Penis Size, for more reassurance.
