My girlfriend dumped me after she had several affairs – and is lying to friends and family that I'm the cheater
Now I've learned she was constantly setting up new hook-ups and conducting several affairs.
I'm not even sure if both my children are actually mine, or if I've been bringing up one of her lovers' kids. Talk about disrespect.
Now she has thrown me out and told everyone I'm the one who has been cheating on her, so they think I'm the bad guy. I don't know what to do.
I'm 42 and she's 40. We've been together for 12 years and have two children, aged ten and eight.
If I'm honest, she treated me badly from the start. She often lied about where she was going, met up with exes who she pretended were just friends and secretly messaged other men.
But she was always ready with a good excuse and she used her charms to reel me back in.
We only had sex when she wanted it, the way she wanted it. She'd use it to
A couple of years after we had our first baby, a man turned up saying the boy was his. I was gutted as, by then, I loved the child.
She denied it, of course.
After that, we had patches where things were OK, but then she'd start being secretive again.
If I said anything it would end up in a huge, nasty row.
Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships
Last week, out of the blue, she told me to pack my stuff and leave. She accused me of having an affair — which is ridiculous, as there is no time, with a full-time job, housework and all the childcare.
She has told her friends and family the same story, so they hate me. She said she'd just started seeing someone else. I think she has actually been seeing him for months. I feel like
I've been used, chewed up and spat out. But if I tell people the truth they won't believe me.
Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS:
You've been in an abusive relationship with a woman who sounds like a narcissist.
She
This is not your fault. You're a good man who has tried to do your best for your family.
You need support for your emotional health, advice to make sure you continue to have a relationship with your children and that you get what you're legally entitled to.
Don't worry about what others think. I'm sure they're aware of what she's really like.
My support pack, Abusive Partner, will show you where to get help.
For advice on your rights, contact Both Parents Matter (
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to
You can also send a private message on the
Thank you for advice when my guy faced a trial
DEAR DEIDRE:
WHEN my partner faced imprisonment, leaving me and our three children to manage alone, I was petrified.
He was charged with assault and due to stand trial. I believed he was innocent, but we were warned he could face several years in prison.
I'm in my mid-40s and we have been together since we were teenagers. The long lead-up to the trial was making me so anxious, and I didn't know how I'd be able to cope if he was sent down.
But I couldn't tell him how worried I was as I didn't want to upset him more.
I knew I needed to stay strong for our kids and stop feeling so depressed and weepy, so I wrote to you for advice.
You were so understanding, telling me I needed support and shouldn't keep my feelings inside.
You recommended I contact a charity called Prisoners' Families (
I appreciated that you didn't patronise me, acknowledging that simply saying 'don't worry' wasn't going to help. You sent me your support pack on Coping With Stress, which showed me ways to relax. Although I am still very anxious, I now feel better able to cope. Thank you Deidre.
DEIDRE SAYS:
I'm glad that my advice helped – but you're stronger than you think. Remember, there is support out there if your partner does go to prison.
HURT BY HIS SEX TALK WITH EX, BUT I WANT TO REUNITE
DEAR DEIDRE:
I BROKE up with my boyfriend because he told his ex intimate details about our relationship, but now I'm wondering if I made a big mistake.
I'm not sure if I can trust him, but I miss and love him.
We're both in our late 20s and were together for 11 months.
As our relationship developed, he sent out strong signals that he was thinking about marriage and was going to propose.
But then I found out he was still good friends with his ex. She has a new partner, so I wasn't jealous, but I did feel uncomfortable.
One day, a message from her flashed up on his WhatsApp. It asked if he'd had any more luck getting me into bed.
I was horrified and humiliated, and had a massive row with my boyfriend, which led to us breaking up. We got back together, but after that I found it hard to trust him.
He admitted he didn't want to give up his friendship with his ex. He also said that he wasn't ready to get married, and didn't know if he ever would be.
I decided to end the relationship again. Now I'm not sure I did the right thing.
I can't stop thinking about him.
DEIDRE SAYS:
It sounds like your ex boyfriend wasn't as happy about waiting for sex as he'd first appeared.
It was wrong of him to share intimate details with his ex, but perhaps he needed to talk to someone he trusted.
In a way, it's good he's been honest now and made it clear he isn't ready for marriage. It also sounds like he's not completely over his ex.
If marriage is what you want, then perhaps it's better for you to find someone who shares your values and is ready for that commitment.
If you get back together, the same issues will inevitably crop up again.
It would be helpful for you to talk this through with a counsellor.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE:
ONE of my mates believes I'm her best friend, but I find her spoiled and annoying.
Three of us hang out together, but it's the other girl who's really my best pal, and she just gets in the way.
We're all 16 and at school together. Last weekend, she got upset because she didn't want to go to a particular shop, so my best friend and I just went together.
She says we should have included her and gone somewhere else. It's causing stress. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS:
Friendship groups can be tricky, as someone is always going to feel excluded. She sounds insecure. Maybe she's aware you prefer your other friend.
Try to explain, kindly. But if things don't get better, you might need to distance yourself from her.
My support pack, Rows With Friends, should help.
Not measuring up
DEAR DEIDRE:
STANDING in the gym showers, I couldn't help noticing my penis doesn't measure up to other men's. I'm worried I'm
I'm a 22-year-old guy. I've always thought my penis was on the small side – only a couple of centimetres flaccid – especially when compared to the men in porn films.
But everything I read tells me size doesn't matter and that porn stars' penises are enormous compared to the average.
So, I wasn't concerned, until I joined a new gym with communal showers.
All the other guys looked so much larger than me. It made me feel really insecure.
I'm not very sexually experienced, and my ex didn't say anything. Maybe she was just being nice.
Is there anything I can do to make my penis larger?
DEIDRE SAYS:
Like ears and noses, penises come in all shapes and sizes, and their length when flaccid bears little relation to their erect size.
Besides, many women feel girth is more important than length during sex.
Also, looking down at your own penis has a foreshortening effect. It's probably not smaller than the other men's you compared it to – you're just viewing it from a different angle. Try not to worry.
If your ex seemed satisfied in bed, why would you want to make your penis larger?
While there are some implements and procedures that claim to increase size, they have a negligible effect, and surgery isn't recommended.
Read my support pack, Penis Size, for more reassurance.
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