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Time of India
22-06-2025
- General
- Time of India
‘I'm not your therapist': What is Mankeeping, the viral trend that's leaving women exhausted
Turns out, the real reason behind her not texting back is not her lack of interest – but because that cute-looking dude went ahead with full trauma-dumping mode while treating her like his unpaid therapist! A recent study from Stanford has officially named the emotional labor sucking the life out of heretosexual (and in some cases, bisexual) women: it's 'mankeeping' — and it's driving them straight out of the dating pool. What is mankeeping ? 'Mankeeping', a clever and culturally resonant play on 'kinkeeping' (the caregiving women often perform in families), is a blend of the words man and housekeeping, recently coined by researchers at Stanford University under psychologist Angelica Puzio Ferrara (alongside Dylan P. Vergara), and refers to the growing emotional labor that women shoulder in heterosexual relationships. What does it mean? It describes the emotional labor many heterosexual women find themselves performing—unkindly unpaid yet deeply taxing. This includes being a partner's crisis hotline, mood manager, social secretary, and confidante, often without reciprocal care. From becoming a live-in therapist to taking on the role of social secretary, many women find themselves decoding their partner's moods, orchestrating his social calendar, and providing emotional caregiving without reciprocation. It's not just an occasional favor—it's a habitual, exhausting duty embedded in daily life. In a society where men often have fewer emotionally intimate friendships, romantic partners inadvertently become their primary support network. Stanford's research found that about 20% of US men report having no close friends, compared to women, who typically maintain richer, more emotionally engaged social circles. As a result, many women feel pressure to carry this emotional burden, on top of the mental load they already manage at work, home, and family. What does the study say? As reported by the NY Post, Stanford postdoctoral fellow and developmental psychologist Angelica Puzio Ferrara, during a talk at the Clayman Institute Faculty Research Fellows, 'In the US, about one in five men claim they have no close friends,' adding, 'In comparison to women's social networks, men's social networks in the US and UK tend to be thinner in depth, less frequent in emotional disclosure, and more rarely relied on for support. ' What does that mean? He has no one else to talk to, no friend to turn to — so he picks his female partner as the trauma-dumping ground. Ferrara argues this male loneliness epidemic isn't just a 'him' problem — it's a her burden. And it's pushing women to hit pause on relationships altogether. According to Pew Research , just 38% of single women are actively seeking love, compared to 61% of men. That math adds up to one blinking highlight: women are opting out of being 'therapists with benefits.' The driving force behind 'mankeeping': As Ferrara explained, 'This is the labor that women take on to shore up losses in men's social networks and reduce the burden of this isolation on families, on the heterosexual bond itself, and on men,' adding, 'The barriers that men are facing in their relationships have the potential to expand women's labor on men's behalf.' Ferrara dubs this draining duty 'mankeeping,' likening it to 'kinkeeping' — the thankless job of maintaining family bonds, which also mysteriously ends up in women's laps. And the root of it all? Stunted male friendships and toxic masculinity. The male friendship recession Studies show that men's social circles have shrunk significantly over the past few decades. Although there's ample evidence that men had close friendships at the turn of the twentieth century, post-industrially, some men see close male friendships as a threat to their manhood. For example, the AEI Survey Center on American Life found that the number of men with at least six close friends in North America and Australia dropped from 55% to 27% since 1990, while 51% of men say they lack a confidant altogether. Without strong emotional outlets, romantic partners often become primary emotional support—a shift that burdens women with additional responsibilities. Gendered social conditioning Women are culturally conditioned from a young age to nurture, remember birthdays, organize gatherings, and maintain emotional harmony. Meanwhile, men are often discouraged from expressing vulnerability, internalizing the idea that 'real men' don't need emotional support. Growing awareness, diminishing infrastructure While more men now seek mental health support, many lack male friendships or group spaces where they can process emotions. The result? Unsurprisingly, the emotional load falls on their female partners. The emotional toll on women This dynamic is far more than an emotional hassle — it has real-world ramifications: Burnout and exhaustion From comforting a partner after job loss to ensuring they stay socially engaged, many women spend hours weekly on mankeeping activities. With existing responsibilities—work, family, personal pursuits—these added hours push many past their limit. Resentment and feeling unseen When emotional labor is one-sided, women often feel undervalued. Consider the friend who consoles her husband after he lost a golf game, yet he can't reciprocate when she shares her own worries. Erosion of self-worth and identity Constant caregiving can eclipse a woman's own needs and goals, leaving her emotionally depleted, less affirmed in her own identity. Relationship fallout Research indicates that women who invest more emotional work than they receive are likelier to feel less love in their relationships and are at increased risk of divorce. Why does this matter beyond individual couples? Relationship dynamics: Women increasingly 'opt-out' of dating or marriage, as according to Pew Research , with only 38% of single women pursuing love versus 61% of men. Gender norms: Frankly naming and addressing mankeeping challenges, outdated expectations that women should be emotional caregivers. Societal health: By identifying and acknowledging male loneliness, it raises questions about mental health, friendship, cross-gender interdependence, and what sustainable balance looks like. The way forward: As per Ferrara, naming this invisible labor is a first step toward equity. Recognizing and naming this form of gendered labor may be important for making women's emotional work more visible — and hopefully, more equal, she stressed. Acknowledge and name the labor: Simply naming mankeeping makes invisible work visible. It opens space for honest conversations about fairness and partnership. Set clear boundaries: Women learning to say 'I can't process this tonight' are reclaiming emotional capacity. Empathy doesn't mean unlimited availability. Encourage male emotional networks: Men building support through therapy, men's groups, or male friendships—such as Gen‑Z 'good night calls'—shift emotional reliance from romantic partners. Share the emotional load: Couples should identify specific emotional tasks—check‑ins, organizing social engagements, mood‑monitoring—and balance them intentionally. Create broader support structures: Workplaces, communities, and policy-makers can uplift mental health infrastructure—making emotional work less limited inside the periphery of romantic relationships. Katrina Kaif gets emotional, opens up on her break-up with Ranbir Kapoor One step to a healthier you—join Times Health+ Yoga and feel the change
New York Post
20-06-2025
- General
- New York Post
‘Mankeeping' is ruining dating for women who are tired of relationship burnout: ‘I'm not your therapist'
Turns out the real reason she's not texting back might be because you treated her like your shrink. A recent study from Stanford has officially named the emotional labor sucking the life out of straight women: 'mankeeping' — and it's driving them straight out of the dating pool. The term refers to the exhausting, unpaid gig of managing men's moods, stress and social lives — all while trying to keep their own mental health afloat. Advertisement From decoding their partner's emotional constipation to playing middleman with his buddies, women are being cast as live-in therapists, social secretaries and emotional scaffolding. And they're over it. 'In the U.S., about one in five men claim they have no close friends,' said Stanford postdoctoral fellow and developmental psychologist Angelica Puzio Ferrara during a talk at the Clayman Institute Faculty Research Fellows. Advertisement 3 A Stanford study has put a name to the emotional drain plaguing straight women: mankeeping — and it's pushing them to ghost dating altogether. bongkarn – 'In comparison to women's social networks, men's social networks in the U.S. and UK tend to be thinner in depth, less frequent in emotional disclosure, and more rarely relied on for support.' Basically, he has no one else to talk to — so he trauma-dumps on you. Advertisement Ferrara argues this male loneliness epidemic isn't just a 'him' problem — it's a her burden. And it's pushing women to hit pause on relationships altogether. According to Pew Research, just 38% of single women are actively seeking love — compared to 61% of men. That math adds up to one thing: women are opting out of being 'therapists with benefits.' 'This is the labor that women take on to shore up losses in men's social networks and reduce the burden of this isolation on families, on the heterosexual bond itself, and on men,' Ferrara explained. Advertisement 3 Mankeeping is the thankless, unpaid gig where women juggle men's moods, stress and social lives — while barely staying sane themselves. JustLife – 'The barriers that men are facing in their relationships have the potential to expand women's labor on men's behalf.' In other words, it's not just one needy boyfriend — it's a system. Ferrara dubs this draining duty 'mankeeping,' likening it to 'kinkeeping' — the thankless job of maintaining family bonds, which also mysteriously ends up in women's laps. And the root of it all? Stunted male friendships and toxic masculinity. Ferrara says that naming this invisible labor is a first step toward equity. Recognizing and naming this form of gendered labor may be important for making women's emotional work more visible — and hopefully, more equal, she stressed. Advertisement Until then? More and more women are swiping left on mankeeping. Another possible solution? Men could be calling their buddies more often. As The Post previously reported, some say it's just a wholesome fad — others are calling it a remedy for the male loneliness epidemic. 3 Slapping a label on this emotional heavy lifting could finally shine a light on the invisible work women do — and maybe even help even the score, Ferrara said. bongkarn – Advertisement In a surprisingly sweet new trend, bros — mostly Gen Z, but not exclusively — are picking up the phone and dialing their dudes just to say: 'Good night.' And the waterworks are flowing. One viral TikTok, with over 3 million views, shows a user filming her husband ringing up a pal. 'Hi — what's up, man? … I'm about to go to bed, and I'm just calling you to tell you good night,' he says, without a hint of irony. Advertisement Cue the collective swoon. His friend, caught off guard, replies, 'Why? Are you thinking of me for real?' After the man sweetly says he loves him, the surprised pal answers: 'God damn I love you too […] I don't know what to say; you caught me off guard.' Advertisement Viewers were all in. One commented: 'In all seriousness, this is how you fight the male loneliness epidemic, just be friends with each other.'
