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IOL News
6 days ago
- Health
- IOL News
Hug it out: the surprising wellness hack your body and mind have been craving
According to Gary Chapman's bestselling book 'The Five Love Languages,' physical touch is one of the primary ways individuals convey love. Image: cottonbro studio b/pexels Ever had one of those days when you feel completely worn out, anxious, or just plain meh, and someone offers you a hug that makes it all a bit better? Turns out, it's not just in your head. Science says cuddling is a wellness hack hiding in plain sight. A recent Sleep & Partners Report found that nearly 80% of people believe cuddling helps ease stress and anxiety. And yes, it really does, thanks to our body's love potion: oxytocin. Meet your brain's best friend: Oxytocin Happiness and touch work together to keep your immune system fighting fit. So yes, hugging your bestie or partner could literally keep the sniffles away. Nicknamed the 'love hormone', oxytocin is released when we hug, snuggle or even hold hands. According to experts from the Cleveland Clinic, this feel-good hormone lowers your heart rate, drops cortisol (the stress hormone), and helps regulate blood pressure. Translation? More calm, less anxiety and better sleep. Think about it: you're lying in bed, tangled up with your partner or your pet, and suddenly, your racing thoughts start to slow. That's oxytocin at work. And it doesn't stop there. The secret sauce to better sleep (and a happier heart) Physical touch also kick-starts the parasympathetic nervous system, which slows breathing and helps the body enter a restful state. According to research published in Biological Psychology, cuddling may help reduce blood pressure, which could lower the risk of heart disease and stroke. It's like nature's gentle nightcap. Plus, snuggling releases endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, which help soothe those annoying aches that keep you tossing and turning at night. Love, intimacy and the morning-after glow. Cuddling isn't just about comfort. The Sleep & Partners Report also found that 83% of people feel emotionally closer to their partner after a good cuddle. It deepens intimacy, helps communication, and, as several studies in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggest, boosts relationship satisfaction. Sex therapists often recommend post-sex cuddles too. The oxytocin rush strengthens emotional bonds and keeps relationships warm (literally and figuratively). Video Player is loading. Play Video Play Unmute Current Time 0:00 / Duration -:- Loaded : 0% Stream Type LIVE Seek to live, currently behind live LIVE Remaining Time - 0:00 This is a modal window. Beginning of dialog window. Escape will cancel and close the window. Text Color White Black Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Background Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Transparent Window Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Transparent Semi-Transparent Opaque Font Size 50% 75% 100% 125% 150% 175% 200% 300% 400% Text Edge Style None Raised Depressed Uniform Dropshadow Font Family Proportional Sans-Serif Monospace Sans-Serif Proportional Serif Monospace Serif Casual Script Small Caps Reset restore all settings to the default values Done Close Modal Dialog End of dialog window. Advertisement Next Stay Close ✕ Ad loading Cuddling isn't merely for comfort; it also plays a pivotal role in creating emotional bonds. Image: Alina Matveycheva Cuddling boosts your immune system, really! When we're happy, we produce more serotonin and oxytocin. And yes, serotonin has been linked to a stronger immune response, according to the American Psychological Association. Simply put, cuddling keeps your immune system happier by helping you feel safe, connected, and less stressed. And if your cuddle buddy is your furry friend? That counts too. Studies, including one from Frontiers in Psychology, show that hugging pets can reduce cortisol and boost oxytocin. Pain relief that doesn't come in a bottle There's a reason we feel stronger when we feel loved. One study found that people who hugged more often were less likely to catch a cold. Happiness and touch work together to keep your immune system fighting fit. So yes, if you're feeling achy? Research supports that touch can help reduce pain perception by increasing oxytocin and endorphins. So next time your back hurts, a cosy spooning session might help more than you think. Bonding from day one Cuddling isn't only for couples. For new moms, skin-to-skin contact after birth floods the body with oxytocin, easing stress and helping milk flow. As Cleveland Clinic experts note, it's a critical part of bonding that makes both moms and babies happier and healthier. Not all cuddles look the same: Best cuddle positions If you're ready to up your snuggle game, here are a few reader favourites, adapted from an article by Gabriella S at Prodiadigital: Spooning: Classic, cosy, always a winner. Lovers' knot: Intertwined limbs and head on chest, intimate and snug. Feet cuddling: Perfect for hot sleepers, connection without the sweat. Head on shoulder: Simple but comforting. Double knots: One partner hugs from behind, legs wrapped around. Cuddling as a love language. In Gary Chapman's bestseller 'The Five Love Languages', physical touch is one of the primary ways people give and receive love. For many, it matters more than gifts or words. And yes, cuddling your dog, cat, or even a supportive pillow can bring similar comfort. Cuddling is free, has zero side effects, and can boost your mood, immune system, heart health, and relationship satisfaction. It's the ultimate wellness practice you don't need a subscription for.
Yahoo
11-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
15 Ways Your Spouse Gaslights You Without Realizing
Gaslighting can be a sneaky thing, especially when wrapped in the guise of love. It's subtle and often leaves you questioning your reality. If you find yourself often second-guessing your feelings or decisions, your spouse might be using gaslighting tactics. It's crucial to recognize these signs so you can address them and protect your mental well-being. Here are 15 signs of gaslighting you might have mistaken for love. It starts with a laugh, but somehow you end up feeling small. Your spouse points out your insecurities under the pretense of humor, making you feel like you're the butt of the joke. The dismissive 'I'm just kidding' that follows leaves you questioning if you're overly sensitive. According to Dr. Robin Stern, author of "The Gaslight Effect," humor is often used as a tool by gaslighters to undermine you subtly while maintaining a guise of playfulness. By disguising their put-downs as jokes, they shift the blame onto you for not appreciating their "sense of humor." After a while, you might find yourself second-guessing your self-worth. You adapt by brushing off their comments, telling yourself it's not a big deal. But in reality, it chips away at your confidence and self-esteem. You convince yourself that this is how your spouse shows affection, not realizing that love doesn't require self-deprecation. Recognizing these "jokes" as manipulation is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self. Imagine sharing a personal victory, only to be met with indifference or a backhanded compliment. Your spouse might say, 'It's not that big of a deal,' or 'Anyone could have done that.' This tendency to undermine your achievements forces you to seek validation for them constantly. You might start to question whether your accomplishments are even worth celebrating without their approval. Subtly, your confidence is eroded as you internalize their dismissive attitude toward your success. Over time, this pattern can dampen your enthusiasm for your pursuits. You may begin to doubt your abilities, viewing your accomplishments through a belittling lens. The fear of their lukewarm reception taints the joy of achieving something. You deserve a partner who celebrates your successes, not one who minimizes them. True love amplifies your wins, making it essential to identify and address this form of gaslighting. Your spouse might start to monopolize your time, subtly discouraging interactions with family and friends. At first, it feels like romantic attention, but soon your social circle begins to dwindle. A study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships highlights how isolation is a common tactic used in abusive relationships to gain control. They may plant seeds of doubt about your loved ones, suggesting they don't have your best interests in mind. As your world shrinks, so does your perspective on what a healthy relationship looks like. Eventually, you might find yourself isolated, relying solely on your spouse for emotional support. This dependency makes it harder to see the situation clearly and can trap you in a cycle of manipulation. By cutting off your support network, your spouse ensures that you weigh their opinion above all others. Recognizing this pattern is crucial to regaining your independence and rebuilding your connections. Prioritize relationships with those who genuinely care about your well-being. Have you ever been told that you said or did something you have no recollection of? This tactic is common in gaslighting, as it prompts you to doubt your memory and, by extension, your own sanity. You might hear, 'I told you about this already,' or 'You agreed to this last week.' Over time, these statements can leave you feeling disoriented and unsure of your own experiences. You start to believe that your memory is faulty and rely on your spouse to fill in the gaps. This dependency is exactly what the gaslighter wants. With their version of events becoming your reality, they gain control over your perception of the world. The constant questioning of your memory can make you feel like you're losing your mind, but it's a manipulation tactic. To combat this, consider keeping a journal to document events and conversations objectively, allowing you to reflect on them more clearly. This record can help you discern reality from your spouse's narrative. Every disagreement somehow seems to circle back to being your fault. If something goes wrong, your spouse is quick to point the finger in your direction. A study by Dr. George Simon, a psychologist, shows that blame-shifting is a common tactic used by manipulators to avoid responsibility. You might hear phrases like, 'If you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have reacted that way.' This constant blaming can make you feel like you're walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering their negative response. Over time, you internalize this blame and might start apologizing even when you're not at fault. You take on the responsibility for maintaining harmony in the relationship, sacrificing your own needs in the process. Genuine love involves accountability and shared responsibility, not scapegoating one partner. Recognizing blame-shifting is essential for reestablishing healthy dynamics and ensuring both partners contribute to resolving issues. Stand firm in your understanding of events and challenge unwarranted accusations. Your spouse may impose rules that they never follow themselves. They may criticize you for behaviors that they regularly engage in. This double standard creates an unfair playing field, leaving you feeling trapped by rules designed to keep you in check. You might hear them say, 'It's different when I do it,' which allows them to justify their actions while holding you to a different standard. The inconsistency becomes a tool to control you and limit your autonomy. Living under double standards can make you feel like you're constantly failing to meet their expectations. You might find yourself overcompensating to avoid criticism or conflict. The inconsistency in rules fosters insecurity, making you question your worth and role in the relationship. True love treats partners as equals, upholding the same standards for both. Recognizing and challenging these double standards is crucial for establishing an equitable partnership. Your spouse's concern might seem caring at first, but it's often a means to exert control. They might question your decisions under the guise of worry, making you doubt your judgment. Dr. Deborah Tannen, an expert in communication, explains that feigned concern can be a subtle way to assert dominance in a relationship. You might hear things like, 'I'm just worried about you,' which shifts the focus to their feelings rather than your autonomy. This tactic erodes your confidence, causing you to second-guess your choices. Over time, you might start to rely on their "concern" for decision-making, losing your sense of independence. This dependency can trap you in a cycle where your spouse's opinion carries more weight than your own. You deserve a partner who genuinely supports your autonomy, not one who uses concern as a control mechanism. Recognizing this tactic can help you reclaim your decision-making power and reinforce your confidence. Trust in your ability to make choices for yourself. Emotions should be validated, not dismissed. If you're constantly told that you're overreacting or being too sensitive, it could be a form of emotional manipulation. Your spouse might say, 'You're too emotional,' or 'Calm down, it's not that serious.' These phrases invalidate your feelings, making you question their legitimacy. Over time, you might begin to suppress your emotions, fearing judgment or dismissal. This suppression can lead to a disconnect with your own emotional needs. You may find yourself bottling up feelings, unsure of when it's safe to express them. Love is about understanding and empathy, not emotional invalidation. A healthy relationship makes space for all emotions and works through them together. Recognize when your emotions are being dismissed and advocate for their acknowledgment. Ever find yourself in an argument where your spouse insists events played out differently? This rewriting of history is a classic gaslighting tactic, leaving you puzzled and questioning your recollection. They might insist that a conversation went a certain way, even when your memory vividly contradicts it. This manipulation erodes your trust in your own perception of past events. Over time, you might start accepting their version of events to avoid conflict. Accepting their narrative can make you feel disconnected from reality. It creates a dynamic where your spouse becomes the sole arbiter of truth. This control over your perception can make you feel dependent on them for clarity and understanding. Healthy love respects each other's experiences and memories, working together to understand differing perspectives. Documenting events or sharing your experiences with trusted friends can help ground you in reality. You might be blamed for your spouse's negative behavior, feeling responsible for their outbursts or moods. Statements like 'You make me act this way' put the onus on you rather than them. This tactic is manipulative, burdening you with guilt over situations that aren't your fault. Over time, you might find yourself altering your behavior to prevent their negative reactions. This adjustment can make you lose touch with your own needs and desires. Feeling guilty for their actions can lead you to prioritize their emotions over your own. You might find yourself constantly trying to appease them, walking on eggshells to maintain peace. Love doesn't make you responsible for your partner's emotions or actions but rather encourages mutual accountability. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for reclaiming your emotional well-being. Set boundaries that protect your sense of self and hold your spouse accountable for their behavior. Financial control can be a subtle yet powerful form of manipulation. Your spouse might limit your access to money or scrutinize your spending, creating a dependency on them. This control can make you feel trapped and unable to make independent financial decisions. Over time, you might find yourself justifying every purchase, fearing their disapproval. This financial dependency can leave you feeling powerless and reliant on your spouse for even basic needs. Living under financial control can erode your sense of autonomy. It prevents you from feeling capable of managing your own resources or having the freedom to pursue personal goals. Genuine love supports each partner's financial independence, fostering a sense of shared responsibility. Recognizing this form of control is essential for regaining your financial autonomy. Open conversations about finances and creating a shared budget can help balance power dynamics. Conditional love makes you feel like you have to earn your spouse's affection. You might hear phrases like, 'I'll love you more if you do this,' tying their love to specific actions or behaviors. This conditionality can make you feel unworthy unless you meet their expectations. Over time, you might find yourself striving to earn their love, sacrificing your own needs in the process. This dynamic can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Striving for conditional love can make you lose touch with your own identity. You might begin to mold yourself to fit their ideals rather than being true to who you are. Love should be unconditional, embracing each partner's authentic self without stipulations. Recognizing conditional love is crucial for nurturing self-love and establishing healthy boundaries. Embrace relationships that celebrate you for who you are, not for what you do. Ever receive a compliment that doesn't quite feel like one? Your spouse might say things like, 'You look great for a change,' which undermines the positive with a negative twist. These backhanded compliments can leave you feeling confused and self-conscious. Over time, you might find yourself craving genuine validation, uncertain of their intentions. This manipulation tactic keeps you seeking their approval without ever truly satisfying your need for affirmation. The confusion caused by backhanded compliments can erode your self-esteem. You may begin to question whether you're ever truly good enough in their eyes. Love should build you up with genuine compliments, not cut you down with veiled insults. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for maintaining self-respect and seeking affirmation from those who truly appreciate you. Surround yourself with people who uplift you with sincerity. Your spouse might imply that their happiness hinges on your actions, making you feel solely responsible for their emotional state. Statements like 'I'd be happier if you just did this' put undue pressure on you to meet their needs. This expectation can make you feel like you're falling short, unable to fulfill their happiness. Over time, you might find yourself neglecting your own well-being to cater to theirs. This dynamic can leave you feeling drained and unappreciated. Being responsible for someone else's happiness is an impossible burden. It can make you lose sight of your own needs, prioritizing their emotions over your own. Love involves mutual support and understanding, not relying on one person for emotional fulfillment. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for prioritizing your well-being and fostering a balanced partnership. Encourage a relationship where both partners contribute to each other's happiness. When you express your needs, you might be met with disinterest or deflection. Your spouse may downplay their importance, prioritizing their own desires over yours. Statements like 'You don't really need that,' or 'We'll deal with that later,' can leave you feeling unheard and undervalued. Over time, you may find yourself suppressing your needs to avoid conflict or rejection. This dismissal can lead to feelings of resentment and isolation. Ignoring your needs can make you feel invisible in the relationship. You might start to question whether your desires are reasonable or worthy of attention. Love should honor and nurture each partner's needs, ensuring both feel valued and supported. Recognizing this pattern is essential for advocating for yourself and maintaining a sense of self-worth. Engage in open dialogue about your needs and ensure they're respected and prioritized.
Yahoo
12-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
The Brutal Truth About Why Some Men Walk Away From Relationships
Navigating the labyrinth of modern love can be as elusive as finding a Birkin in the wild. Relationships spark with excitement, but sometimes, they fizzle out mysteriously. Sometimes, it's not about the grand gesture that failed to impress or the argument that went unresolved. Sometimes, it's about the subtler shifts, the less-discussed reasons why men decide to take their leave from relationships. Here, we delve into the surprising, the nuanced, and the refreshingly candid reasons that might just make you see romance in a new light. When emotions run high and communication runs low, men might find themselves quietly overwhelmed. According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, men are often conditioned to suppress their emotions rather than express them. This societal norm can cause an internalized pressure cooker situation, leading them to walk away rather than confront their feelings head-on. The fear of vulnerability might drive them to seek solace in solitude rather than unraveling emotional complexities with their partner. It's less about escaping the relationship and more about escaping the intense emotions they feel ill-equipped to handle. For some men, this emotional deluge is akin to standing in front of a tidal wave with no surfboard. They worry about being unable to process or articulate their emotions in a way that won't leave them feeling exposed or inadequate. Escaping becomes a self-preservation tactic, an attempt to manage stress that feels insurmountable. This retreat isn't necessarily personal; it's a coping mechanism. Understanding and recognizing these pressures can sometimes pave the way for meaningful dialogue and reconnection. Relationships have a way of becoming all-consuming, which can sometimes lead men to feel like they've lost their sense of self. When their identity becomes subsumed by the couple's persona, they may start to feel like a shadow of their former selves. The hobbies, passions, and friendships that once defined them can fall by the wayside. This loss can lead them to crave a return to their independent identity, prompting them to leave the relationship. This isn't about rejecting the partner; it's about reclaiming personal space. Men might feel the weight of expectation to be everything in the relationship, sidelining their personal growth. When they feel trapped in a role, it's a red flag that their identity has been compromised. The need to rediscover themselves can be a powerful motivator for stepping back. Recognizing and respecting each other's individuality within the relationship can sometimes prevent this feeling of entrapment. Sometimes, the future can appear more daunting than a Game of Thrones finale, leading men to walk away from relationships that otherwise seem perfect. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist known for his work on marital stability, men are often more future-oriented when it comes to relationships. This predisposition means they might ruminate over long-term compatibility and the pressures of potential commitments. If they sense that future expectations are misaligned, it can be a catalyst for their departure. Men might feel the need to maintain a veneer of certainty and control, and when the future feels like uncharted territory, it can be unsettling. They might worry about financial stability, career pressures, or personal goals clashing with relationship expectations. This fear can manifest as a need to hit pause and reassess. Their retreat is often an attempt to ensure that their paths are truly aligned before committing further. Open conversations about future goals can sometimes mitigate these fears. Feeling unappreciated can erode even the most solid foundations of a relationship. Men, like anyone else, have an intrinsic need to feel valued and acknowledged. When their efforts go unnoticed or are taken for granted, it can lead to feelings of insignificance. This isn't about being lavished with praise but rather having their contributions recognized and appreciated. Appreciation acts as a powerful adhesive in relationships, strengthening bonds and fostering a sense of partnership. Without it, men might feel like they're cogs in a machine rather than equal participants in a partnership. The absence of appreciation can create a chasm that grows over time, pushing them to seek validation elsewhere. Sometimes, simply expressing gratitude can rekindle the spark and remind them of their worth within the relationship. When communication turns into a battlefield, men might choose to retreat rather than engage. Research by Dr. Deborah Tannen, a linguist and author, suggests that men and women often communicate differently, leading to misinterpretations and frustration. Miscommunication can result in feeling unheard or misunderstood, making it difficult to resolve conflicts or express needs effectively. This breakdown can spiral into feelings of isolation within the relationship. The phrase 'we need to talk' might send shivers down anyone's spine, but it's particularly daunting for men who feel ill-equipped for verbal sparring. They might prefer action over words, leading to a stalemate in communication styles. Over time, the lack of meaningful dialogue can become suffocating, prompting them to leave rather than continue in a conversation loop. Adapting communication styles and setting aside time for open dialogue can sometimes bridge this gap. Intimacy isn't solely about physical connection; it's about emotional closeness and vulnerability, too. When there's an imbalance, men might feel like they're standing on a shaky precipice. Physical intimacy without emotional connection can feel hollow, while emotional closeness without physical expression might feel unfulfilling. This imbalance can create a sense of incompleteness within a relationship. Men might struggle to articulate this need for balance, leading them to withdraw instead of addressing the disparity. The absence of a holistic connection can leave them searching for fulfillment outside the relationship. This withdrawal isn't necessarily a rejection of their partner but a quest for a connection that feels authentically balanced. Understanding and nurturing both aspects of intimacy can reinforce the overall bond. When life goals and priorities don't align, men might feel like they're rowing a boat that's veering off course. The University of Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies found that mismatched priorities are a significant factor in relationship breakdowns. If one partner prioritizes career advancement while the other values family time, it can create a rift. Men might feel torn between meeting their partner's expectations and staying true to their objectives. This misalignment can lead to feelings of being pulled in multiple directions, causing stress and dissatisfaction. Men might walk away to avoid sacrificing their personal goals or the relationship altogether. By acknowledging and addressing these differences early, couples can sometimes find a middle ground. Respecting each other's paths can foster a more harmonious relationship dynamic. For some men, the thought of losing their autonomy can be a dealbreaker. Freedom is more than just a concept; it's a lifestyle that allows them to explore, grow, and thrive. The perception that a relationship might curtail this freedom can be daunting. This isn't about avoiding commitment but preserving the essence of personal liberty. Men might fear that a relationship will clip their wings, preventing them from pursuing personal adventures or passions. The thought of missed opportunities and unexplored horizons can loom large, overshadowing the benefits of partnership. It's crucial to balance togetherness with independence, allowing each partner to flourish individually. Sometimes, assurance that a relationship can coexist with personal freedom is enough to alleviate these fears. When emotional support is lacking, men might feel like they're navigating turbulent waters alone. The need for support isn't exclusively feminine; men crave it just as much. When their partner isn't emotionally available, it can lead to feelings of loneliness and detachment. This absence of support can magnify stress and dissatisfaction, making the relationship feel more like a burden than a blessing. Men might struggle to express their need for emotional support, fearing it might be perceived as weakness. This internalization can lead to withdrawal, as they seek solace elsewhere. The absence of a supportive partner can feel like a void, prompting them to leave in search of emotional fulfillment. Encouraging open expression of emotions and being present for each other can sometimes bridge this gap. When expectations are set sky-high, the pressure to meet them can be overwhelming. Men might feel like they're constantly being measured against an unattainable standard. This pressure can erode their sense of self-worth and create resentment. Unrealistic expectations can manifest in various facets of a relationship, from career achievements to emotional availability. Rather than striving to meet impossible demands, men might choose to exit the relationship. It's not about shirking responsibility but seeking a partnership grounded in reality. This retreat is often an attempt to preserve their sense of self and well-being. Recognizing and adjusting expectations can foster a more balanced and fulfilling relationship. When conflict resolution styles clash, it can turn disagreements into full-blown battles. Men might prefer direct approaches, while their partners lean toward more nuanced or indirect strategies. This incompatibility can lead to frustrations and feelings of being unheard. The inability to resolve conflicts effectively can create a cycle of unresolved issues. Men might feel trapped in a loop of conflict that never reaches a satisfactory conclusion. This ongoing tension can lead to a breakdown in communication and connection. Rather than perpetuating this cycle, they might choose to walk away. Finding a conflict resolution approach that satisfies both partners can sometimes restore harmony. For some men, intimacy can be as terrifying as it is tantalizing. The fear of getting too close can stem from past traumas or ingrained beliefs about vulnerability. Intimacy requires opening up, which can feel like giving up control. This fear can lead them to sabotage the closeness they crave, creating a paradox that's challenging to navigate. Men might pull away to maintain a safe distance, avoiding the vulnerability that comes with a deep emotional connection. This push-pull dynamic can be confusing for their partners, who might misinterpret it as disinterest. Understanding the roots of this fear can sometimes help partners navigate it together. Building trust and creating a safe space for vulnerability can encourage men to embrace intimacy. External influences, from family pressures to societal expectations, can weigh heavily on men in relationships. These influences can create conflicting priorities and expectations that feel impossible to meet. Men might feel torn between their partner's needs and the demands of external forces. This tug-of-war can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Rather than juggling these competing demands, men might choose to step back from the relationship. This isn't about abandoning their partner but finding balance amid external pressures. Addressing these influences together can help mitigate their impact on the relationship. Understanding and supporting each other through external challenges can reinforce the partnership. The fear of failing in a relationship can be paralyzing, prompting men to exit before they perceive inevitable disaster. This fear can stem from past experiences or internalized beliefs about their ability to succeed in love. The pressure to be the perfect partner can be overwhelming, leading to self-sabotage. Rather than risk failing, men might choose to leave. This isn't about lacking commitment but preserving self-esteem and protecting against perceived failure. Men might feel like they're constantly under scrutiny, which can erode their confidence. Reframing failure as a learning experience can sometimes alleviate these fears. Encouraging open communication about insecurities can foster resilience and growth in the relationship. When core values clash, men might feel like they're living parallel lives with their partner. Shared values are the foundation of a relationship, guiding decisions and shaping goals. The absence of this common ground can lead to feelings of disconnect and dissatisfaction. Men might feel like they're compromising their beliefs or identity. Rather than continuing in a relationship that feels misaligned, they might choose to leave. This isn't about rejecting their partner but seeking alignment in fundamental beliefs. Addressing value differences early can sometimes prevent this disconnect. Building a relationship on shared values can create a stronger, more cohesive partnership.
Yahoo
18-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
This Study On Orgasms Should Be Required Reading For Men
Researchers have long known that straight women statistically have fewer orgasms than their male partners. One particularly depressing 2018 study found that 87% of husbands compared to 49% of wives reported consistently experiencing an orgasm. While you might assume the chasm would close as women aged and became more sexually experienced and assertive in bed, the gap lingers through a woman's lifetime. But no such orgasm gap exists when women are masturbating, or are having sex with other women ― suggesting the problem lies somewhere in a tilted sexual script shared by men and women. A new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships gives that cultural conditioning a name: the 'orgasm pursuit gap.' In plain English, lead researcher Carly Wolfer says the orgasm goal pursuit 'refers to how much someone wants an orgasm to happen ― whether it's their own or their partner's ― and how much effort they put into making it happen.' To figure out how men and women's effort differs, Wolfer, a doctoral candidate in social psychology at CUNY Graduate Center, studied the 21-day online 'sex diaries' of 127 heterosexual adults in monogamous relationships (ages 18-40). She found that men's orgasms were disproportionately prioritized during sex by both parties: Straight men tend to focus on their own orgasm and feel supported by their partner in that pursuit. Conveniently enough, straight women's focus in bed lies in getting their male partner to climax, too. Men reported experiencing orgasms in 90% of their sexual encounters, while women reported orgasms in only 54% of their encounters, the researchers found. Men also reported significantly higher levels of overall sexual satisfaction and satisfaction with their orgasms compared to women. 'In our sample, men had 15 times higher odds of orgasming than women in any given sex act,' Wolfer told HuffPost. 'Not because it's 'just naturally harder' for women to orgasm ― a common myth ― but because we put less effort into the sexual practices that support women's pleasure, like clitoral stimulation.' Part of the problem lies in how we treat penetration as the be-all-end-all goal of sex. That's the most reliable way for a man to climax, but the majority of women reach orgasm through clitorial stimulation. Too often, playing with the clit is treated as 'foreplay,' if it's played with at all. (Speaking of which, guys, now might be a good time to read this article about how to go down on a woman, according to queer women. Or this one about a twist on missionary that emphasizes clit stimulation.) Vanessa Marin, sex therapist and creator of Finishing School, an online orgasm course for women, wasn't surprised by the findings of the study, which she is unaffiliated with. In Marin's work, she's 'definitely seen that men often feel more entitled to orgasm or view it as a given part of sex.' This isn't because men are inherently selfish ― it's more about cultural conditioning: We tend to think of men's orgasms as the natural conclusion of sex and during sex, so that's what we're working toward. Women lose out when penetrative sex is treated as the 'main event,' but men do, too. 'When we focus solely on orgasm, we miss out on the richness of the entire experience — like the intimacy, connection and pleasure that come from simply being present with each other,' she said. 'Orgasm is wonderful, but it's not the only measure of a satisfying sexual encounter.' For Wolfer, delving into this research was important because of how one-sided the current advice is on closing the orgasm gap. 'So much advice around the orgasm gap focuses on trying to 'fix' women,' she said. 'It's like, 'Get out of your head, speak up, masturbate more.' We see headlines like, 'What women can do about the orgasm gap.' No one was asking: 'What can men do about it? How can men help?'' Women are enculturated to put their pleasure second then subtly chastised for not bringing themselves to orgasm during sex. But this isn't a 'women's issue,' it's a shared couples' issue, Wolfer said. That's where interdependence theory comes in ― a framework from relationship science that emphasizes how, in close relationships, your outcomes are linked to your partner's. The goal of mutual orgasm could use a little of that understanding. 'When partners work together to support each other's goals — including sexual ones — both people benefit,' Wolfer said. Interestingly, in Wolfer's study, perceived partner orgasm goal pursuit appeared to be an even stronger predictor of orgasm and sexual satisfaction than personal orgasm goal pursuit alone. In other words, when you feel your partner is deeply invested in you orgasming, you're more likely to get there (or at least walk away without disappointment or in dire need of a vibrator). Ultimately, closing the orgasm gap requires men's support, buy-in and collaboration. In fact, her data show that the benefits of pursuing an orgasm for yourself disappear when you feel like your partner isn't supportive. 'So pleasure is fundamentally a shared process. It's about collaboration and mutual care, effort and responsiveness,' she said. The key takeaway from Wolfer's study 'isn't to count orgasms or make sex feel tit-for-tat,' she said. The goal isn't so much orgasm equality ― where both partners orgasm equally ― but what Wolfer likes to call 'sexual pleasure equity.' 'True pleasure equity means both partners feel supported, seen, and have the opportunity to experience safe and fulfilling sexual experiences, whether that includes orgasm or not.' How to get closer to 'sexual pleasure equity' in your own relationship. For women wanting to get their partner more involved, it starts with feeling worthy of pleasure, Marin said. (Spending some time learning how you personally get off during masturbation might be a good goal, too, so you can communicate to your partner what you need.) 'For many women, this means unlearning years of societal conditioning that taught us to prioritize others over ourselves,' Marin said. 'It's about giving yourself permission to see your pleasure as valuable — not just for your partner's ego or the relationship, but for you.' Be specific about what you need with your partner — whether it's more clitoral stimulation, slower pacing, or just feeling like your pleasure is a priority. Men need to ask their partner what feels good for her, and really listen. Use open, nonjudgmental communication to bring it up with your partner, Marin said. 'You could say something like, 'I love being intimate with you, and I'd love for us to explore ways to make it even more enjoyable for both of us. Can we talk about what feels good for each of us and how we can support each other's pleasure?'' Be curious and open to trying new things, like focusing on clitoral stimulation or experimenting with different techniques, she said. 'Communicate during and after sex. Check in with her, not just about what feels good physically, but about how she's feeling emotionally.' For men, the most important step is to shift the mindset of 'getting' to one of 'giving and sharing,' Marin said. Ultimately, this approach will pay off for both of you and at least get you two one step closer to closing that pesky orgasm gap. This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
Buzz Feed
18-05-2025
- General
- Buzz Feed
Men Need To Read This Eye-Opening Orgasm Study
Researchers have long known that straight women statistically have fewer orgasms than their male partners. One particularly depressing 2018 study found that 87% of husbands compared to 49% of wives reported consistently experiencing an orgasm. While you might assume the chasm would close as women aged and became more sexually experienced and assertive in bed, the gap lingers through a woman's lifetime. But no such orgasm gap exists when women are masturbating, or are having sex with other women ― suggesting the problem lies somewhere in a tilted sexual script shared by men and women. A new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships gives that cultural conditioning a name: the 'orgasm pursuit gap.' In plain English, lead researcher Carly Wolfer says the orgasm goal pursuit 'refers to how much someone wants an orgasm to happen ― whether it's their own or their partner's ― and how much effort they put into making it happen.' To figure out how men and women's effort differs, Wolfer, a doctoral candidate in social psychology at CUNY Graduate Center, studied the 21-day online 'sex diaries' of 127 heterosexual adults in monogamous relationships (ages 18-40). She found that men's orgasms were disproportionately prioritized during sex by both parties: Straight men tend to focus on their own orgasm and feel supported by their partner in that pursuit. Conveniently enough, straight women's focus in bed lies in getting their male partner to climax, too. Men reported experiencing orgasms in 90% of their sexual encounters, while women reported orgasms in only 54% of their encounters, the researchers found. Men also reported significantly higher levels of overall sexual satisfaction and satisfaction with their orgasms compared to women. 'In our sample, men had 15 times higher odds of orgasming than women in any given sex act,' Wolfer told HuffPost. 'Not because it's 'just naturally harder' for women to orgasm ― a common myth ― but because we put less effort into the sexual practices that support women's pleasure, like clitoral stimulation.' Part of the problem lies in how we treat penetration as the be-all-end-all goal of sex. That's the most reliable way for a man to climax, but the majority of women reach orgasm through clitorial stimulation. Too often, playing with the clit is treated as 'foreplay,' if it's played with at all. (Speaking of which, guys, now might be a good time to read this article about how to go down on a woman, according to queer women. Or this one about a twist on missionary that emphasizes clit stimulation.) Vanessa Marin, sex therapist and creator of Finishing School, an online orgasm course for women, wasn't surprised by the findings of the study, which she is unaffiliated with. In Marin's work, she's 'definitely seen that men often feel more entitled to orgasm or view it as a given part of sex.' This isn't because men are inherently selfish ― it's more about cultural conditioning: We tend to think of men's orgasms as the natural conclusion of sex and during sex, so that's what we're working toward. Women lose out when penetrative sex is treated as the 'main event,' but men do, too. 'When we focus solely on orgasm, we miss out on the richness of the entire experience — like the intimacy, connection and pleasure that come from simply being present with each other,' she said. 'Orgasm is wonderful, but it's not the only measure of a satisfying sexual encounter.' For Wolfer, delving into this research was important because of how one-sided the current advice is on closing the orgasm gap. 'So much advice around the orgasm gap focuses on trying to 'fix' women,' she said. 'It's like, 'Get out of your head, speak up, masturbate more.' We see headlines like, 'What women can do about the orgasm gap.' No one was asking: 'What can men do about it? How can men help?'' Women are enculturated to put their pleasure second then subtly chastised for not bringing themselves to orgasm during sex. But this isn't a 'women's issue,' it's a shared couples ' issue, Wolfer said. That's where interdependence theory comes in ― a framework from relationship science that emphasizes how, in close relationships, your outcomes are linked to your partner's. The goal of mutual orgasm could use a little of that understanding. 'When partners work together to support each other's goals — including sexual ones — both people benefit,' Wolfer said. Interestingly, in Wolfer's study, perceived partner orgasm goal pursuit appeared to be an even stronger predictor of orgasm and sexual satisfaction than personal orgasm goal pursuit alone. In other words, when you feel your partner is deeply invested in you orgasming, you're more likely to get there (or at least walk away without disappointment or in dire need of a vibrator). Ultimately, closing the orgasm gap requires men's support, buy-in and collaboration. In fact, her data show that the benefits of pursuing an orgasm for yourself disappear when you feel like your partner isn't supportive. 'So pleasure is fundamentally a shared process. It's about collaboration and mutual care, effort and responsiveness,' she said. The key takeaway from Wolfer's study 'isn't to count orgasms or make sex feel tit-for-tat,' she said. The goal isn't so much orgasm equality ― where both partners orgasm equally ― but what Wolfer likes to call 'sexual pleasure equity.' 'True pleasure equity means both partners feel supported, seen, and have the opportunity to experience safe and fulfilling sexual experiences, whether that includes orgasm or not.' How to get closer to 'sexual pleasure equity' in your own relationship. For women wanting to get their partner more involved, it starts with feeling worthy of pleasure, Marin said. (Spending some time learning how you personally get off during masturbation might be a good goal, too, so you can communicate to your partner what you need.) 'For many women, this means unlearning years of societal conditioning that taught us to prioritize others over ourselves,' Marin said. 'It's about giving yourself permission to see your pleasure as valuable — not just for your partner's ego or the relationship, but for you.' Be specific about what you need with your partner — whether it's more clitoral stimulation, slower pacing, or just feeling like your pleasure is a priority. Men need to ask their partner what feels good for her, and really listen. Use open, nonjudgmental communication to bring it up with your partner, Marin said. 'You could say something like, 'I love being intimate with you, and I'd love for us to explore ways to make it even more enjoyable for both of us. Can we talk about what feels good for each of us and how we can support each other's pleasure?'' Be curious and open to trying new things, like focusing on clitoral stimulation or experimenting with different techniques, she said. 'Communicate during and after sex. Check in with her, not just about what feels good physically, but about how she's feeling emotionally.' For men, the most important step is to shift the mindset of 'getting' to one of 'giving and sharing,' Marin said. Ultimately, this approach will pay off for both of you and at least get you two one step closer to closing that pesky orgasm gap. HuffPost.
