Latest news with #NedraGloverTawwab
Yahoo
16-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
15 Ways To Respond When Someone Hurts Your Feelings Deeply
When someone hurts your feelings deeply, it can feel like a punch in the gut. You might replay the moment over and over, wondering why they did or said what they did. But the truth is, life is full of these painful moments, and how you respond can shape your emotional resilience. Sure, you might want to lash out or retreat entirely, but there are healthier ways to handle it. Here's how you could approach these situations to maintain your self-respect and possibly even grow from the experience. First, admit to yourself that you're hurt. It's okay to feel upset, angry, or even devastated. These emotions are valid, and acknowledging them is a crucial first step in processing what happened. According to psychologist Dr. Susan David, author of "Emotional Agility," recognizing your emotions without judgment helps in dealing with them constructively. Avoid brushing off your feelings or pretending like everything's fine when it's not. Once you've acknowledged your feelings, take a moment to sit with them. This doesn't mean you should wallow, but allow yourself some time to process what you're experiencing. You might find some clarity about why you're hurt or what you need to do next. This self-awareness is the first step toward healing and moving forward. Understanding yourself better can often be the best comfort during these times. When you're ready, consider talking to the person who hurt you. Approach the conversation with a clear mind and a calm demeanor. You may want to start by expressing how you feel without blaming the other person. Use "I" statements, like "I felt hurt when you said that," to focus on your feelings rather than accusing them of wrongdoing. This way, you open the door to a constructive conversation rather than a heated argument. Your goal should be to express your feelings, not necessarily to get an apology. The other person might not be aware of how their actions affected you, and your conversation could provide them with that insight. Even if they don't respond the way you hoped, you'll have taken a step to communicate your boundaries. This can help you feel more empowered and in control. Remember, the purpose is not to change them but to express yourself truthfully. Sometimes, hurtful behavior is part of a pattern, and setting boundaries is vital. Make it clear what you will and will not tolerate in your relationships. According to therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting your well-being. You don't have to explain your boundaries in detail, but you should make them known. Once you've set your boundaries, stick to them. Consistency is key in making sure they are respected. If the person continues to hurt you despite knowing your boundaries, it may be time to reconsider their role in your life. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect; boundaries are a way of ensuring that respect is maintained. Remember that setting boundaries is a form of self-care, not a punishment to others. Sometimes, you need a break from the person or situation that hurt you. It's perfectly okay to take some time for yourself to think things through. Distancing yourself can help you gain perspective and clarity. It's not about avoiding the issue but giving yourself the space to breathe. This time apart can help you decide what you want to do next without the immediate emotional pressure. Use this time to engage in activities that bring you joy or relaxation. Whether it's reading, going for a walk, or spending time with loved ones, find what helps you recharge. This break isn't about dwelling on the hurt but about re-centering yourself. When you're ready, you can return to the situation with a clearer mind and possibly a new approach. A little distance can sometimes bring a lot of clarity. Talking to someone you trust can be incredibly helpful. Whether it's a friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to listen can provide comfort and perspective. Research by Dr. James Pennebaker highlights the healing power of expressing our emotions through conversation or writing. It's not about seeking advice; sometimes, you just need someone to hear you out. Sharing your feelings with someone else can also validate your experience. It confirms that you're not alone and that others have gone through similar situations. This support can be a crucial step in your healing process. It also allows you to tap into the wisdom and experiences of those you trust. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone; leaning on others can be a source of strength. When someone hurts you, it's easy to start blaming yourself. But remember, how someone treats you is more about them than it is about you. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. You deserve love and understanding, especially from yourself. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, emphasizes the importance of being kind to oneself during difficult times. Instead of criticizing yourself for being "too sensitive," acknowledge your feelings with kindness. Tell yourself that it's okay to hurt and that you're doing your best. This mental shift can make a world of difference in how you process your emotions. Self-compassion can be a powerful tool in healing because it shifts your focus from self-criticism to self-care. Remember, you're only human, and it's okay to feel the way you do. Take a step back and analyze the situation objectively. Ask yourself why their words or actions hurt you so much. Is it touching on an insecurity or a past wound? According to psychologist Paul Gilbert, understanding the root of our emotional responses can help us heal more effectively. Knowing the "why" behind your feelings can provide valuable insights. Once you've identified the root cause, think about what you can learn from this experience. Every painful interaction offers an opportunity for growth. Perhaps it's teaching you something about your boundaries or what you value in relationships. Use this reflection to gain a deeper understanding of yourself. This introspection can be empowering, transforming a painful experience into a stepping stone for personal development. When someone hurts you, it's easy to get stuck in the past, replaying the hurtful moment repeatedly. Instead, try to bring your focus back to the present. Dwelling on past pain only prolongs your suffering. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep-breathing exercises, can help you stay grounded in the here and now. When you focus on the present, you give yourself the ability to experience each moment fully without the burden of past hurts. Concentrating on the present also means being aware of the good things happening in your life right now. There might be people who love you, activities that make you happy, or simple joys that bring you peace. Focusing on these positives can help balance out the negative emotions. It reminds you that, despite the hurt, not everything is bad. This balanced perspective can make the healing process a bit easier. When hurt, you might feel the urge to lash out. Retaliation, however, rarely leads to any sort of resolution. It often escalates the situation and leads to even more hurt feelings on both sides. Instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to breathe and think about the consequences. Remember, responding with anger will likely only add more negativity to the situation. Choosing not to retaliate allows you to take the high road. It's not about letting someone off the hook but maintaining your integrity. By not reacting with spite, you retain control over your actions and emotions. This decision can leave you feeling empowered rather than drained. It's a choice to protect your peace, which is more important than getting back at someone. Try to understand why the person might have acted the way they did. This doesn't excuse their behavior, but it can offer some context. People often project their insecurities or frustrations onto others without realizing it. Considering their perspective can sometimes bring empathy and help diffuse your anger. This understanding can be a step towards forgiveness if that's something you choose to pursue. Thinking about their perspective can also provide insights into the relationship dynamics. It might help you see if this is a one-time incident or part of a larger pattern. This awareness can inform how you want to handle the situation moving forward. By understanding where they're coming from, you might find it easier to decide on the next steps. It's about gathering more information, so you can make a well-rounded decision. When someone hurts you, it's easy to internalize their actions. You might start to believe that you deserved it or that there's something wrong with you. But often, the hurtful actions of others have little to do with you. People act out of their issues, insecurities, and stresses. Reminding yourself of this can help you separate your self-worth from their actions. Internalizing someone else's hurtful behavior only harms you more. Instead, focus on maintaining your self-esteem and confidence. Reaffirm your worth and remember that one person's opinion doesn't define you. It's easier said than done, but this mindset shift can be powerful. You're not responsible for someone else's behavior, only your response to it. Holding onto resentment is like carrying around a heavy weight. It can be exhausting and keeps you tethered to the pain. Letting go doesn't mean you're condoning what happened; it means you're choosing to release its hold over you. This can be a gradual process that involves acknowledging your feelings and then deciding to move past them. It's about freeing yourself rather than forgiving someone else. Resentment can take up a lot of mental and emotional energy. By letting it go, you make room for more positive emotions and experiences. This doesn't mean you have to forget what happened, but you can choose not to let it control your life. Begin by recognizing what you're holding onto and why. Then, consciously decide to release it and focus on your well-being. If you're struggling to move past the hurt, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist. They can offer a safe space to explore your feelings and provide tools to cope. Therapy can offer insights and strategies that you might not have considered. It's not a sign of weakness; it's a step towards healing. Sometimes, having an objective perspective can make all the difference. Therapists are trained to help you process emotions and find strategies that work for you. They can guide you through complex emotional landscapes in a supportive and non-judgmental way. This can be invaluable when dealing with deep emotional pain. Remember, seeking help is a courageous act of self-care. It's about prioritizing your mental health and well-being. Every hurtful experience offers a lesson if you're willing to see it. Reflect on what this situation has taught you about yourself and your relationships. Maybe it's highlighted a boundary you didn't know you needed or an insecurity you want to address. Use these insights as a roadmap for personal growth. Turning the hurt into a lesson can transform a painful experience into a positive change. Learning from the experience doesn't mean it wasn't painful, but it can be empowering. It allows you to take control of the narrative and find a silver lining. This mindset can lead to stronger relationships and a better understanding of yourself. Embrace the growth that comes from adversity. Remember, it's often through challenges that we find our true strength. Forgiveness is a personal choice and one that can bring peace. It's not about letting someone off the hook but freeing yourself from the burden of anger and resentment. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the behavior, but acknowledging that you deserve peace. This decision is about reclaiming your emotional well-being. It's a gift you give yourself, not necessarily the other person. Forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing and moving forward. It allows you to close a chapter and open yourself up to new experiences and relationships. This doesn't have to be a quick decision; take your time to reach this point. When you're ready, let forgiveness be a part of your healing journey. It's about choosing peace over dwelling on past pain.
IOL News
04-07-2025
- Health
- IOL News
5 guilt-free moves: what therapists say you should never apologise for
Mental health experts say it's time to stop apologising for normal, necessary behaviours that help protect our peace and mental well-being. In today's hyper-paced , people-pleasing world, it can feel like we owe everyone an explanation for just … being human. Ever caught yourself saying 'sorry' for needing a break, changing your mind, or simply not wanting to do something? If yes, you're not alone. Let's get one thing straight: setting boundaries, needing alone time, outgrowing relationships, or expressing emotions aren't personality flaws. They're signs of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. But mental health experts say it's time to stop apologising for normal, necessary behaviours that help protect our peace and mental wellbeing. Reset restore all settings to the default values Done Beginning of dialog window. Escape will cancel and close the window. Your boundaries, your solitude, your feelings, and your choices belong to you. Here are five things you never need to apologise for and why embracing them could be the best act of self-care you'll ever commit to. 1. Saying 'no' is self-respect, not selfishness You're allowed to say no. Full stop. No excuse. No apology is needed. Whether it's turning down a social invite, passing on a favour, or choosing not to explain your decision, 'no' is a full sentence. For many of us, especially women, there's pressure to soften our refusal: 'I'm so sorry, I'm swamped right now, but maybe next time?' Sound familiar? In a post from vegoutmagazine, psychotherapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, bestselling author of "Set Boundaries, Find Peace", puts it simply: 'Healthy boundaries are not mean. They're a form of self-respect.' And yet, many of us abandon our boundaries to avoid discomfort or guilt. But the more you overextend yourself to make others comfortable, the more you lose yourself. Start honouring your personal boundaries, time and energy, you're allowed to choose peace over pleasing. 2. Outgrowing relationships doesn't make you a bad person Ever stayed in a friendship that felt more draining than joyful? We've all done it, out of habit, loyalty, or guilt. But here's the hard truth: not all relationships are meant to last forever. As we grow, our values, interests and emotional needs evolve. Sometimes, people who once fit perfectly into our lives no longer do. And that's okay. Licensed therapist Vienna Pharaon, author of The Origins of You, says it best: 'You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.' Holding on out of obligation can hold both people back. Outgrowing someone doesn't mean you don't care. It means you're choosing alignment over attachment, and that's a powerful form of growth. 3. Needing time alone is a human need, not a quirk In our hyperconnected world, choosing solitude often gets misunderstood. People assume you're upset, distant, or antisocial. But taking time alone is a vital part of mental wellness, especially for introverts. You don't need to apologise for saying, 'I need a night to myself' or 'I just want to be alone today.' This isn't a flaw; it's a coping tool. A study published in "Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin" found that intentional solitude can lead to greater emotional clarity and reduced stress. So go ahead: take that walk by yourself, cancel the plans, or spend the weekend offline. Your nervous system will thank you. 4. Changing your mind means you're listening to yourself We've all been there, committed to something, only to feel later that it doesn't sit right. Maybe you RSVP'd yes to a party, signed up for a course, or agreed to a project… and now, it's a no. Changing your mind isn't flaky. It's a sign that you're in tune with your needs and limits. We evolve daily, and our choices should reflect that. Flexibility isn't a weakness; it's growth. As you learn more about yourself, it makes sense that your 5. Expressing your emotions Crying at your desk. Admitting you're anxious. Tell a friend you're hurt; these are human, not weak. We've been taught to hide tears or stuff down worries, but emotional expression is a vital form of self-care. Emotional clarity, being able to name and understand your feelings, is linked with better coping and higher life satisfaction according to the National Library of Medicine. Next time you feel the urge to apologise for your tears, remind yourself that sharing authentically builds connection and resilience. Making self-care stick These five behaviours aren't indulgences, they're cornerstones of mental wellness. To weave them into your life: Practice one 'no' once a day. Start small: decline an email you don't need to answer. Audit your circle. Ask yourself: 'Who energises me? Who drains me?' Schedule solitude. Block 15 minutes daily for uninterrupted reflection. Journal emotions. Name what you feel: anger, joy, sadness, to boost clarity. Check in halfway. If something no longer serves you, permit yourself to change course. By dropping the apologies, you're not becoming selfish; you're embracing self-care. Your boundaries, alone time, feelings, and choices are yours to own. And when you do, you'll find more energy, authenticity, and joy in every moment.
Yahoo
28-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Why it's good to admit when you're wrong – and how to improve
You may be familiar with the feeling. Someone factchecks you mid-conversation or discredits your dishwasher-loading technique. Heat rises to your face; you might feel defensive, embarrassed or angry. Do you insist you're right or can you accept the correction? Admitting to being wrong can be difficult and uncomfortable. But the ability to admit to incorrect ideas or beliefs – what psychologists call 'intellectual humility' – is important. Research shows that people with higher intellectual humility think more critically, and are less biased and less prone to dogmatism. People high in intellectual humility 'are able to acknowledge the limits of their knowledge and beliefs', says Tenelle Porter, an assistant professor of psychology at Rowan University. They recognize that we all get things wrong and are willing to admit their own gaps in knowledge. Meanwhile, people low in intellectual humility tend to overconfidently cling to their beliefs, and are not swayed by opposing evidence. People who are more intellectually humble tend to have better relationships. Being unable to acknowledge other people's perspectives can damage the trust in a relationship, says therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab. Acknowledging that you're wrong, on the other hand, can be a great opportunity to deepen a relationship. Research suggests that couples who score higher in intellectual humility tend to have healthier conflict management, as well as higher relationship quality and satisfaction. On average, people prefer to befriend or date people who are more humble, says Daryl Van Tongeren, who studies psychology and social values at Hope College. People also tend to be more committed to and satisfied with relationships when they perceive their partners to be more humble, Van Tongeren adds, and having both individuals in a couple rank highly in humility is associated with a healthier, less stressful transition into parenthood. People with low intellectual humility will often react defensively when contradicted, says Leor Zmigrod, a political neuroscientist who recently wrote a book about rigid, ideological thinking. They might feel personally attacked or insulted, and arrogantly double down, she says. But recognizing such qualities in yourself can be easier said than done. When Van Tongeren published his book on humility, people would say things like: 'Humility – that's what my father-in-law needs.' People are terrible at knowing whether they're very flexible or very rigid thinkers Leor Zmigrod, political neuroscientist 'No one starts off by saying: 'Oh, humility, that's what I need,'' he says. Our personalities can be flexible if we put in the work, says Tawwab. So how does someone get better at admitting they're wrong? Studies show that 'people are terrible at knowing whether they're very flexible or very rigid thinkers,' says Zmigrod. But a good way to start is to practice noticing how you respond to being contradicted. Be mindful of when your emotions and ego get in the way of a thoughtful response, she says – and over time you may be able to recognize your patterns. A person's intellectual humility is also linked with how flexible their thinking is in general, Zmigrod says. So if you notice defensiveness or anger when, say, a regular routine is disrupted, that could be a sign that your intellectual humility could use some work. Related: I'm disagreeable – and it's backed by science. Can I change my personality? If self-driven introspection is difficult, Van Tongeren recommends asking trusted people to assess how open they think you are to new perspectives, and whether they think you get defensive of your own ideas. 'Ask people from a variety of areas of your life,' he says, because 'you might be really humble at work, but not super humble at home, or vice versa.' You can glean information about your intellectual humility while also signaling to others that you're trying to work on yourself. Before attempting this, consider whether you're honestly ready to hear this kind of feedback. Learning to be more gracious when contradicted is an important skill, because an inability to recognize when you're wrong diminishes trust in relationships, says Tawwab. The first thing to do is 'reframe what being wrong means', says Tawwab. A lot of people internalize the idea that being wrong means they're stupid, ignorant or worth less as a person, she says. But if we lived in a world where no one was wrong or allowed to be wrong, 'we would live in a world that has never shifted', she says. Seeing it as associated with personal growth, curiosity and other positive values will make being wrong feel less fraught. There are science-backed ways to engender intellectual humility. One is quite simple: listen. People who can admit when they're wrong tend to be better listeners, says Van Tongeren. But more than that, when one person in a conversation is a good, deep listener, 'the act of listening actually cultivates and generates humility' for both parties. If you find yourself resisting admitting being wrong, Porter recommends casting your memory back to a time when you realized you had erred. Research suggests that when you remember your own fallibility, 'that can help recalibrate us and make us more open to listening to what we might be missing,' she says. If you want to encourage someone else in your life to work on their intellectual humility, they first need to feel like they're in an environment where it's safe to make mistakes, says Tawwab. And 'people tend to digest information best when they're seeking it out for themselves,' she says. So rather than lecture them on the importance of acknowledging their errors, it may be best to simply share articles, books or personality quizzes that can help them self-reflect and come to their own conclusions. You can also take the edge off by suggesting that you both work on this issue together, says Van Tongeren. Once you're able to recognize when you're wrong and admit it to yourself without an emotional or ego-driven reaction, being able to verbalize your mistakes will come much more easily. Related: What is metabolic syndrome – and do we really need to worry about it? And when it comes to telling another person that you were wrong, Tawwab says you don't have to do it immediately. After a conversation, it might take you some time to process and accept this assessment. In that case, you can go back to the person a few days later. 'Even if you can't do it in the present moment, you can still recover that conversation and build that trust,' she says. Over time, hopefully you'll get better and faster at it, eventually being able to notice and address errors in the moment. And you'll probably deepen your relationships as a result, she says. There are many headwinds when it comes to intellectual humility, says Porter, especially in contemporary life. Social media creates echo chambers, people constantly express ever more polarized views, and false information proliferates online. All this pushes us away from being willing and able to change our minds or admit we're wrong. But remember that we as people value these traits, she says, regardless of how challenging it is to maintain them.
The Guardian
27-06-2025
- General
- The Guardian
Why it's good to admit when you're wrong – and how to improve
You may be familiar with the feeling. Someone factchecks you mid-conversation or discredits your dishwasher-loading technique. Heat rises to your face; you might feel defensive, embarrassed or angry. Do you insist you're right or can you accept the correction? Admitting to being wrong can be difficult and uncomfortable. But the ability to admit to incorrect ideas or beliefs – what psychologists call 'intellectual humility' – is important. Research shows that people with higher intellectual humility think more critically, and are less biased and less prone to dogmatism. People high in intellectual humility 'are able to acknowledge the limits of their knowledge and beliefs', says Tenelle Porter, an assistant professor of psychology at Rowan University. They recognize that we all get things wrong and are willing to admit their own gaps in knowledge. Meanwhile, people low in intellectual humility tend to overconfidently cling to their beliefs, and are not swayed by opposing evidence. People who are more intellectually humble tend to have better relationships. Being unable to acknowledge other people's perspectives can damage the trust in a relationship, says therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab. Acknowledging that you're wrong, on the other hand, can be a great opportunity to deepen a relationship. Research suggests that couples who score higher in intellectual humility tend to have healthier conflict management, as well as higher relationship quality and satisfaction. On average, people prefer to befriend or date people who are more humble, says Daryl Van Tongeren, who studies psychology and social values at Hope College. People also tend to be more committed to and satisfied with relationships when they perceive their partners to be more humble, Van Tongeren adds, and having both individuals in a couple rank highly in humility is associated with a healthier, less stressful transition into parenthood. People with low intellectual humility will often react defensively when contradicted, says Leor Zmigrod, a political neuroscientist who recently wrote a book about rigid, ideological thinking. They might feel personally attacked or insulted, and arrogantly double down, she says. But recognizing such qualities in yourself can be easier said than done. When Van Tongeren published his book on humility, people would say things like: 'Humility – that's what my father-in-law needs.' 'No one starts off by saying: 'Oh, humility, that's what I need,'' he says. Our personalities can be flexible if we put in the work, says Tawwab. So how does someone get better at admitting they're wrong? Studies show that 'people are terrible at knowing whether they're very flexible or very rigid thinkers,' says Zmigrod. But a good way to start is to practice noticing how you respond to being contradicted. Be mindful of when your emotions and ego get in the way of a thoughtful response, she says – and over time you may be able to recognize your patterns. A person's intellectual humility is also linked with how flexible their thinking is in general, Zmigrod says. So if you notice defensiveness or anger when, say, a regular routine is disrupted, that could be a sign that your intellectual humility could use some work. If self-driven introspection is difficult, Van Tongeren recommends asking trusted people to assess how open they think you are to new perspectives, and whether they think you get defensive of your own ideas. 'Ask people from a variety of areas of your life,' he says, because 'you might be really humble at work, but not super humble at home, or vice versa.' You can glean information about your intellectual humility while also signaling to others that you're trying to work on yourself. Before attempting this, consider whether you're honestly ready to hear this kind of feedback. Learning to be more gracious when contradicted is an important skill, because an inability to recognize when you're wrong diminishes trust in relationships, says Tawwab. The first thing to do is 'reframe what being wrong means', says Tawwab. A lot of people internalize the idea that being wrong means they're stupid, ignorant or worth less as a person, she says. But if we lived in a world where no one was wrong or allowed to be wrong, 'we would live in a world that has never shifted', she says. Seeing it as associated with personal growth, curiosity and other positive values will make being wrong feel less fraught. Sign up to Well Actually Practical advice, expert insights and answers to your questions about how to live a good life after newsletter promotion There are science-backed ways to engender intellectual humility. One is quite simple: listen. People who can admit when they're wrong tend to be better listeners, says Van Tongeren. But more than that, when one person in a conversation is a good, deep listener, 'the act of listening actually cultivates and generates humility' for both parties. If you find yourself resisting admitting being wrong, Porter recommends casting your memory back to a time when you realized you had erred. Research suggests that when you remember your own fallibility, 'that can help recalibrate us and make us more open to listening to what we might be missing,' she says. If you want to encourage someone else in your life to work on their intellectual humility, they first need to feel like they're in an environment where it's safe to make mistakes, says Tawwab. And 'people tend to digest information best when they're seeking it out for themselves,' she says. So rather than lecture them on the importance of acknowledging their errors, it may be best to simply share articles, books or personality quizzes that can help them self-reflect and come to their own conclusions. You can also take the edge off by suggesting that you both work on this issue together, says Van Tongeren. Once you're able to recognize when you're wrong and admit it to yourself without an emotional or ego-driven reaction, being able to verbalize your mistakes will come much more easily. And when it comes to telling another person that you were wrong, Tawwab says you don't have to do it immediately. After a conversation, it might take you some time to process and accept this assessment. In that case, you can go back to the person a few days later. 'Even if you can't do it in the present moment, you can still recover that conversation and build that trust,' she says. Over time, hopefully you'll get better and faster at it, eventually being able to notice and address errors in the moment. And you'll probably deepen your relationships as a result, she says. There are many headwinds when it comes to intellectual humility, says Porter, especially in contemporary life. Social media creates echo chambers, people constantly express ever more polarized views, and false information proliferates online. All this pushes us away from being willing and able to change our minds or admit we're wrong. But remember that we as people value these traits, she says, regardless of how challenging it is to maintain them.
The Guardian
23-06-2025
- General
- The Guardian
Why it's good to admit when you're wrong – and how to improve
You may be familiar with the feeling. Someone factchecks you mid-conversation or discredits your dishwasher-loading technique. Heat rises to your face; you might feel defensive, embarrassed or angry. Do you insist you're right or can you accept the correction? Admitting to being wrong can be difficult and uncomfortable. But the ability to admit to incorrect ideas or beliefs – what psychologists call 'intellectual humility' – is important. Research shows that people with higher intellectual humility think more critically, and are less biased and less prone to dogmatism. People high in intellectual humility 'are able to acknowledge the limits of their knowledge and beliefs', says Tenelle Porter, an assistant professor of psychology at Rowan University. They recognize that we all get things wrong and are willing to admit their own gaps in knowledge. Meanwhile, people low in intellectual humility tend to overconfidently cling to their beliefs, and are not swayed by opposing evidence. People who are more intellectually humble tend to have better relationships. Being unable to acknowledge other people's perspectives can damage the trust in a relationship, says therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab. Acknowledging that you're wrong, on the other hand, can be a great opportunity to deepen a relationship. Research suggests that couples who score higher in intellectual humility tend to have healthier conflict management, as well as higher relationship quality and satisfaction. On average, people prefer to befriend or date people who are more humble, says Daryl Van Tongeren, who studies psychology and social values at Hope College. People also tend to be more committed to and satisfied with relationships when they perceive their partners to be more humble, Van Tongeren adds, and having both individuals in a couple rank highly in humility is associated with a healthier, less stressful transition into parenthood. People with low intellectual humility will often react defensively when contradicted, says Leor Zmigrod, a political neuroscientist who recently wrote a book about rigid, ideological thinking. They might feel personally attacked or insulted, and arrogantly double down, she says. But recognizing such qualities in yourself can be easier said than done. When Van Tongeren published his book on humility, people would say things like: 'Humility – that's what my father in law needs.' 'No one starts off by saying: 'Oh, humility, that's what I need,'' he says. Our personalities can be flexible if we put in the work, says Tawwab. So how does someone get better at admitting they're wrong? Studies show that 'people are terrible at knowing whether they're very flexible or very rigid thinkers,' says Zmigrod. But a good way to start is to practice noticing how you respond to being contradicted. Be mindful of when your emotions and ego get in the way of a thoughtful response, she says – and over time you may be able to recognize your patterns. A person's intellectual humility is also linked with how flexible their thinking is in general, Zmigrod says. So if you notice defensiveness or anger when, say, a regular routine is disrupted, that could be a sign that your intellectual humility could use some work. If self-driven introspection is difficult, Van Tongeren recommends asking trusted people to assess how open they think you are to new perspectives, and whether they think you get defensive of your own ideas. 'Ask people from a variety of areas of your life,' he says, because 'you might be really humble at work, but not super humble at home, or vice versa.' You can glean information about your intellectual humility while also signaling to others that you're trying to work on yourself. Before attempting this, consider whether you're honestly ready to hear this kind of feedback. Learning to be more gracious when contradicted is an important skill, because an inability to recognize when you're wrong diminishes trust in relationships, says Tawwab. The first thing to do is 'reframe what being wrong means', says Tawwab. A lot of people internalize the idea that being wrong means they're stupid, ignorant or worth less as a person, she says. But if we lived in a world where no one was wrong or allowed to be wrong, 'we would live in a world that has never shifted', she says. Seeing it as associated with personal growth, curiosity and other positive values will make being wrong feel less fraught. Sign up to Well Actually Practical advice, expert insights and answers to your questions about how to live a good life after newsletter promotion There are science-backed ways to engender intellectual humility. One is quite simple: listen. People who can admit when they're wrong tend to be better listeners, says Van Tongeren. But more than that, when one person in a conversation is a good, deep listener, 'the act of listening actually cultivates and generates humility' for both parties. If you find yourself resisting admitting being wrong, Porter recommends casting your memory back to a time when you realized you had erred. Research suggests that when you remember your own fallibility, 'that can help recalibrate us and make us more open to listening to what we might be missing,' she says. If you want to encourage someone else in your life to work on their intellectual humility, they first need to feel like they're in an environment where it's safe to make mistakes, says Tawwab. And 'people tend to digest information best when they're seeking it out for themselves,' she says. So rather than lecture them on the importance of acknowledging their errors, it may be best to simply share articles, books or personality quizzes that can help them self-reflect and come to their own conclusions. You can also take the edge off by suggesting that you both work on this issue together, says Van Tongeren. Once you're able to recognize when you're wrong and admit it to yourself without an emotional or ego-driven reaction, being able to verbalize your mistakes will come much more easily. And when it comes to telling another person that you were wrong, Tawwab says you don't have to do it immediately. After a conversation, it might take you some time to process and accept this assessment. In that case, you can go back to the person a few days later. 'Even if you can't do it in the present moment, you can still recover that conversation and build that trust,' she says. Over time, hopefully you'll get better and faster at it, eventually being able to notice and address errors in the moment. And you'll likely deepen your relationships as a result, she says. There are many headwinds when it comes to intellectual humility, says Porter, especially in contemporary life. Social media creates echo chambers, people constantly express ever more polarized views, and false information proliferates online. All this pushes us away from being willing and able to change our minds or admit we're wrong. But remember that we as people value these traits, she says, regardless of how challenging it is to maintain them.
