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If only we set the terms of the user agreements

This is a sample of The Echidna newsletter sent out each weekday morning. To sign up for FREE, go to IMPORTANT NOTICE Due to the sheer volume of email and text messages I am now experiencing involving robotic appointment reminders, demands for up-front booking deposits and customer service feedback requests, I have been forced to implement the following Personal User Agreement. By interacting with me ('The User') you agree to be bound by the following non-negotiable terms and conditions under which I will now engage with modern life. Restaurants: Reservations are subject to mutual obligation. Should 'The User' arrive on time and be seated at an appropriate table (See Exceptions Clause 17c: 'Table Next To Dunnies' and 17d: 'Table Subject To Cold Draughts Or Within Vicinity of Arguing Couples'), the following penalties will apply: A 50 per cent reduction in the final bill for meals delayed or delivered cold by a waiter with a nose ring, three-day stubble and fake European accent; A 20 per cent reduction if table wobbles like a drunken sailor; A Pretentiousness Surcharge of $50 for "special experience" dishes involving smoke, foam or soil; In the event of overall unsatisfactory service, 'The User' reserves the right to pay in Monopoly money. Public Transport: Should passengers be pressed together like vacuum-packed meat slices, 'The User' shall activate the Overcrowding Compensation Clause (19F), entitling them to the driver's seat and half-price travel for the following month. Furthermore: Should 'The User' be subjected to a fellow passenger's loud phone calls, body odour, TikTok videos or tuna and egg sandwiches, the Passenger Etiquette Clause (15c) will be enforced, allowing 'The User' to forcibly eject said offender at the next stop without threat of legal action. Platform announcements made in a rare 16th century Hindi dialect uttered at 300 words per minute on a static-filled PA system will automatically trigger a free coffee voucher at any station kiosk. Customer service hotlines: All interactions will now include a Mutual Holding Penalty Agreement, wherein every minute spent by 'The User' on hold shall trigger a 5 per cent reduction in said User's future bills. Furthermore, subjecting 'The User' to repetitive instrumental versions of Hotel California or any Celine Dion songs will require a Mental Health Payment Bonus to 'The User', who reserves the right to lodge an emotional damages claim. Doctors/Dentists/Chiropractors: 'The User' agrees to receive constant reminder messages about upcoming appointments requiring a Y/N reply. In return for agreeing to pay the stated fee for missing or running late for said appointment, the following shall apply: Should the medical practitioner not see 'The User' within 15 minutes of the agreed appointment, forcing 'The User' to sit on an uncomfortable chair reading tattered copies of The Australian Women's Weekly circa 1980, or next to a tantrum-throwing toddler eating their boogers, a 25 per cent reduction in fee payment will apply. A further 10 per cent discount will be awarded to 'The User' for a medical practitioner's illegible handwriting, or any diagnosis involving the words "just take some Panadol and rest up". Tradespeople and Delivery Drivers: From 1 July, 'The User' will charge a $30 per hour holding fee for time wasted while waiting for any tradesperson or courier promising to arrive between "7am and four billion years' time when the sun expands into a red giant, engulfing the inner planets". Airlines: Luggage lost or arriving at the wrong destination will entitle 'The User' to wear the pilot's uniform until baggage is returned. As well, in-flight meal services consisting of a soggy sandwich or half-frozen pie will require the offending airline to deliver an Uber Eats meal of 'The User's' choice to the plane as it taxis along the tarmac following arrival. Family and Friends Group Chats: 'The User' may abruptly withdraw from any digital discussion thread should group messages include: A photograph of a three-year-old niece's fingerpainting described by its parents as "genius"; Poorly-lit and incompetently framed photographs of evening meals; The acronym 'LOL' used without intended irony; Failure to use the bare minimum of punctuation. Please Note: Over-use of emojis and exclamation marks will require the offending sender to attend compulsory Emotional Moderation Training sessions. Please be advised that following any interaction with 'The User' you will be required to answer a lengthy survey about your experience that, under the terms of his Privacy Policy, will be ignored. The above terms and conditions are effective immediately and subject to change depending on 'The User's' whims and blood sugar levels. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day. HAVE YOUR SAY: What's the longest time you've spent on hold? Do you ignore or reply to the endless requests for customer feedback? How do you negotiate the increasing demands of the digital world? Email us: echidna@ SHARE THE LOVE: If you enjoy The Echidna, forward it to a friend so they can sign up, too. IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: - A failed attempt to import frogs, insect-infested fresh fruit and vegetables has been hailed by Agriculture Minister Julie Collins as a big win for border police. The illegal, insect-infested food smuggled from Thailand sought to circumvent Australia's biosecurity laws and flood Sydney's black market. - Taxpayers are facing a $2 million-plus bill for the ABC's failed legal defence of its decision to fire a radio host, Antoinette Lattouf, for her views on Gaza. - The jurors tasked with deciding whether Erin Patterson deliberately poisoned her estranged husband's family with a beef Wellington meal will begin deliberations next week. THEY SAID IT: "It used to cost money to disclose and distribute information. In the digital age it costs money not to." - Heather Brooke YOU SAID IT: Some applauded, many tut-tutted. This was the US president, after all. But most understood how letting rip with an F-bomb can ease pain and frustration. And in Trump's case, it appeared to stop a war. "I find profanities wonderful - an effective way to convey what I'm feeling AND get the pious and sanctimonious clutching at their pearls," writes Henry. "To quote Stephen Fry, people who take offense at things are inevitably looking for something to complain about." Neil from Cootamundra writes: "My mother would berate me as a teenager if I swore with the statement: 'Swearing displays to all that you have a poor grip on the English language!' That was just over 50 years ago, and I still swear, mainly at myself, today. Our language is forever changing with words being added that I would have been scolded for using a few decades ago. But in the end, language is the tool of communication and if swearing emphasises the point to get the message across then our language is doing its job!" "Swearing is actually, in some cases, a mild anaesthetic," writes Graeme. "As so many, such words, are part of the everyday lingo, I have no problem with their use. I have not heard Mr Trump's utterance, but in context could have been very effective in not beating around the bush, cutting through the shit. This does not make up for the wrecking ball Mr Trump is." Maggie writes: "If you doubt that former US presidents swore, go back to the Nixon tapes of the early 1970s. In a long career in one company, I was always careful with my language - until I was really cranky. Then everyone, including the big boss, jumped to attention." This is a sample of The Echidna newsletter sent out each weekday morning. To sign up for FREE, go to IMPORTANT NOTICE Due to the sheer volume of email and text messages I am now experiencing involving robotic appointment reminders, demands for up-front booking deposits and customer service feedback requests, I have been forced to implement the following Personal User Agreement. By interacting with me ('The User') you agree to be bound by the following non-negotiable terms and conditions under which I will now engage with modern life. Restaurants: Reservations are subject to mutual obligation. Should 'The User' arrive on time and be seated at an appropriate table (See Exceptions Clause 17c: 'Table Next To Dunnies' and 17d: 'Table Subject To Cold Draughts Or Within Vicinity of Arguing Couples'), the following penalties will apply: A 50 per cent reduction in the final bill for meals delayed or delivered cold by a waiter with a nose ring, three-day stubble and fake European accent; A 20 per cent reduction if table wobbles like a drunken sailor; A Pretentiousness Surcharge of $50 for "special experience" dishes involving smoke, foam or soil; In the event of overall unsatisfactory service, 'The User' reserves the right to pay in Monopoly money. Public Transport: Should passengers be pressed together like vacuum-packed meat slices, 'The User' shall activate the Overcrowding Compensation Clause (19F), entitling them to the driver's seat and half-price travel for the following month. Furthermore: Should 'The User' be subjected to a fellow passenger's loud phone calls, body odour, TikTok videos or tuna and egg sandwiches, the Passenger Etiquette Clause (15c) will be enforced, allowing 'The User' to forcibly eject said offender at the next stop without threat of legal action. Platform announcements made in a rare 16th century Hindi dialect uttered at 300 words per minute on a static-filled PA system will automatically trigger a free coffee voucher at any station kiosk. Customer service hotlines: All interactions will now include a Mutual Holding Penalty Agreement, wherein every minute spent by 'The User' on hold shall trigger a 5 per cent reduction in said User's future bills. Furthermore, subjecting 'The User' to repetitive instrumental versions of Hotel California or any Celine Dion songs will require a Mental Health Payment Bonus to 'The User', who reserves the right to lodge an emotional damages claim. Doctors/Dentists/Chiropractors: 'The User' agrees to receive constant reminder messages about upcoming appointments requiring a Y/N reply. In return for agreeing to pay the stated fee for missing or running late for said appointment, the following shall apply: Should the medical practitioner not see 'The User' within 15 minutes of the agreed appointment, forcing 'The User' to sit on an uncomfortable chair reading tattered copies of The Australian Women's Weekly circa 1980, or next to a tantrum-throwing toddler eating their boogers, a 25 per cent reduction in fee payment will apply. A further 10 per cent discount will be awarded to 'The User' for a medical practitioner's illegible handwriting, or any diagnosis involving the words "just take some Panadol and rest up". Tradespeople and Delivery Drivers: From 1 July, 'The User' will charge a $30 per hour holding fee for time wasted while waiting for any tradesperson or courier promising to arrive between "7am and four billion years' time when the sun expands into a red giant, engulfing the inner planets". Airlines: Luggage lost or arriving at the wrong destination will entitle 'The User' to wear the pilot's uniform until baggage is returned. As well, in-flight meal services consisting of a soggy sandwich or half-frozen pie will require the offending airline to deliver an Uber Eats meal of 'The User's' choice to the plane as it taxis along the tarmac following arrival. Family and Friends Group Chats: 'The User' may abruptly withdraw from any digital discussion thread should group messages include: A photograph of a three-year-old niece's fingerpainting described by its parents as "genius"; Poorly-lit and incompetently framed photographs of evening meals; The acronym 'LOL' used without intended irony; Failure to use the bare minimum of punctuation. Please Note: Over-use of emojis and exclamation marks will require the offending sender to attend compulsory Emotional Moderation Training sessions. Please be advised that following any interaction with 'The User' you will be required to answer a lengthy survey about your experience that, under the terms of his Privacy Policy, will be ignored. The above terms and conditions are effective immediately and subject to change depending on 'The User's' whims and blood sugar levels. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day. HAVE YOUR SAY: What's the longest time you've spent on hold? Do you ignore or reply to the endless requests for customer feedback? How do you negotiate the increasing demands of the digital world? Email us: echidna@ SHARE THE LOVE: If you enjoy The Echidna, forward it to a friend so they can sign up, too. IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: - A failed attempt to import frogs, insect-infested fresh fruit and vegetables has been hailed by Agriculture Minister Julie Collins as a big win for border police. The illegal, insect-infested food smuggled from Thailand sought to circumvent Australia's biosecurity laws and flood Sydney's black market. - Taxpayers are facing a $2 million-plus bill for the ABC's failed legal defence of its decision to fire a radio host, Antoinette Lattouf, for her views on Gaza. - The jurors tasked with deciding whether Erin Patterson deliberately poisoned her estranged husband's family with a beef Wellington meal will begin deliberations next week. THEY SAID IT: "It used to cost money to disclose and distribute information. In the digital age it costs money not to." - Heather Brooke YOU SAID IT: Some applauded, many tut-tutted. This was the US president, after all. But most understood how letting rip with an F-bomb can ease pain and frustration. And in Trump's case, it appeared to stop a war. "I find profanities wonderful - an effective way to convey what I'm feeling AND get the pious and sanctimonious clutching at their pearls," writes Henry. "To quote Stephen Fry, people who take offense at things are inevitably looking for something to complain about." Neil from Cootamundra writes: "My mother would berate me as a teenager if I swore with the statement: 'Swearing displays to all that you have a poor grip on the English language!' That was just over 50 years ago, and I still swear, mainly at myself, today. Our language is forever changing with words being added that I would have been scolded for using a few decades ago. But in the end, language is the tool of communication and if swearing emphasises the point to get the message across then our language is doing its job!" "Swearing is actually, in some cases, a mild anaesthetic," writes Graeme. "As so many, such words, are part of the everyday lingo, I have no problem with their use. I have not heard Mr Trump's utterance, but in context could have been very effective in not beating around the bush, cutting through the shit. This does not make up for the wrecking ball Mr Trump is." Maggie writes: "If you doubt that former US presidents swore, go back to the Nixon tapes of the early 1970s. In a long career in one company, I was always careful with my language - until I was really cranky. Then everyone, including the big boss, jumped to attention." This is a sample of The Echidna newsletter sent out each weekday morning. To sign up for FREE, go to IMPORTANT NOTICE Due to the sheer volume of email and text messages I am now experiencing involving robotic appointment reminders, demands for up-front booking deposits and customer service feedback requests, I have been forced to implement the following Personal User Agreement. By interacting with me ('The User') you agree to be bound by the following non-negotiable terms and conditions under which I will now engage with modern life. Restaurants: Reservations are subject to mutual obligation. Should 'The User' arrive on time and be seated at an appropriate table (See Exceptions Clause 17c: 'Table Next To Dunnies' and 17d: 'Table Subject To Cold Draughts Or Within Vicinity of Arguing Couples'), the following penalties will apply: A 50 per cent reduction in the final bill for meals delayed or delivered cold by a waiter with a nose ring, three-day stubble and fake European accent; A 20 per cent reduction if table wobbles like a drunken sailor; A Pretentiousness Surcharge of $50 for "special experience" dishes involving smoke, foam or soil; In the event of overall unsatisfactory service, 'The User' reserves the right to pay in Monopoly money. Public Transport: Should passengers be pressed together like vacuum-packed meat slices, 'The User' shall activate the Overcrowding Compensation Clause (19F), entitling them to the driver's seat and half-price travel for the following month. Furthermore: Should 'The User' be subjected to a fellow passenger's loud phone calls, body odour, TikTok videos or tuna and egg sandwiches, the Passenger Etiquette Clause (15c) will be enforced, allowing 'The User' to forcibly eject said offender at the next stop without threat of legal action. Platform announcements made in a rare 16th century Hindi dialect uttered at 300 words per minute on a static-filled PA system will automatically trigger a free coffee voucher at any station kiosk. Customer service hotlines: All interactions will now include a Mutual Holding Penalty Agreement, wherein every minute spent by 'The User' on hold shall trigger a 5 per cent reduction in said User's future bills. Furthermore, subjecting 'The User' to repetitive instrumental versions of Hotel California or any Celine Dion songs will require a Mental Health Payment Bonus to 'The User', who reserves the right to lodge an emotional damages claim. Doctors/Dentists/Chiropractors: 'The User' agrees to receive constant reminder messages about upcoming appointments requiring a Y/N reply. In return for agreeing to pay the stated fee for missing or running late for said appointment, the following shall apply: Should the medical practitioner not see 'The User' within 15 minutes of the agreed appointment, forcing 'The User' to sit on an uncomfortable chair reading tattered copies of The Australian Women's Weekly circa 1980, or next to a tantrum-throwing toddler eating their boogers, a 25 per cent reduction in fee payment will apply. A further 10 per cent discount will be awarded to 'The User' for a medical practitioner's illegible handwriting, or any diagnosis involving the words "just take some Panadol and rest up". Tradespeople and Delivery Drivers: From 1 July, 'The User' will charge a $30 per hour holding fee for time wasted while waiting for any tradesperson or courier promising to arrive between "7am and four billion years' time when the sun expands into a red giant, engulfing the inner planets". Airlines: Luggage lost or arriving at the wrong destination will entitle 'The User' to wear the pilot's uniform until baggage is returned. As well, in-flight meal services consisting of a soggy sandwich or half-frozen pie will require the offending airline to deliver an Uber Eats meal of 'The User's' choice to the plane as it taxis along the tarmac following arrival. Family and Friends Group Chats: 'The User' may abruptly withdraw from any digital discussion thread should group messages include: A photograph of a three-year-old niece's fingerpainting described by its parents as "genius"; Poorly-lit and incompetently framed photographs of evening meals; The acronym 'LOL' used without intended irony; Failure to use the bare minimum of punctuation. Please Note: Over-use of emojis and exclamation marks will require the offending sender to attend compulsory Emotional Moderation Training sessions. Please be advised that following any interaction with 'The User' you will be required to answer a lengthy survey about your experience that, under the terms of his Privacy Policy, will be ignored. The above terms and conditions are effective immediately and subject to change depending on 'The User's' whims and blood sugar levels. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day. HAVE YOUR SAY: What's the longest time you've spent on hold? Do you ignore or reply to the endless requests for customer feedback? How do you negotiate the increasing demands of the digital world? Email us: echidna@ SHARE THE LOVE: If you enjoy The Echidna, forward it to a friend so they can sign up, too. IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: - A failed attempt to import frogs, insect-infested fresh fruit and vegetables has been hailed by Agriculture Minister Julie Collins as a big win for border police. The illegal, insect-infested food smuggled from Thailand sought to circumvent Australia's biosecurity laws and flood Sydney's black market. - Taxpayers are facing a $2 million-plus bill for the ABC's failed legal defence of its decision to fire a radio host, Antoinette Lattouf, for her views on Gaza. - The jurors tasked with deciding whether Erin Patterson deliberately poisoned her estranged husband's family with a beef Wellington meal will begin deliberations next week. THEY SAID IT: "It used to cost money to disclose and distribute information. In the digital age it costs money not to." - Heather Brooke YOU SAID IT: Some applauded, many tut-tutted. This was the US president, after all. But most understood how letting rip with an F-bomb can ease pain and frustration. And in Trump's case, it appeared to stop a war. "I find profanities wonderful - an effective way to convey what I'm feeling AND get the pious and sanctimonious clutching at their pearls," writes Henry. "To quote Stephen Fry, people who take offense at things are inevitably looking for something to complain about." Neil from Cootamundra writes: "My mother would berate me as a teenager if I swore with the statement: 'Swearing displays to all that you have a poor grip on the English language!' That was just over 50 years ago, and I still swear, mainly at myself, today. Our language is forever changing with words being added that I would have been scolded for using a few decades ago. But in the end, language is the tool of communication and if swearing emphasises the point to get the message across then our language is doing its job!" "Swearing is actually, in some cases, a mild anaesthetic," writes Graeme. "As so many, such words, are part of the everyday lingo, I have no problem with their use. I have not heard Mr Trump's utterance, but in context could have been very effective in not beating around the bush, cutting through the shit. This does not make up for the wrecking ball Mr Trump is." Maggie writes: "If you doubt that former US presidents swore, go back to the Nixon tapes of the early 1970s. In a long career in one company, I was always careful with my language - until I was really cranky. Then everyone, including the big boss, jumped to attention." This is a sample of The Echidna newsletter sent out each weekday morning. To sign up for FREE, go to IMPORTANT NOTICE Due to the sheer volume of email and text messages I am now experiencing involving robotic appointment reminders, demands for up-front booking deposits and customer service feedback requests, I have been forced to implement the following Personal User Agreement. By interacting with me ('The User') you agree to be bound by the following non-negotiable terms and conditions under which I will now engage with modern life. Restaurants: Reservations are subject to mutual obligation. Should 'The User' arrive on time and be seated at an appropriate table (See Exceptions Clause 17c: 'Table Next To Dunnies' and 17d: 'Table Subject To Cold Draughts Or Within Vicinity of Arguing Couples'), the following penalties will apply: A 50 per cent reduction in the final bill for meals delayed or delivered cold by a waiter with a nose ring, three-day stubble and fake European accent; A 20 per cent reduction if table wobbles like a drunken sailor; A Pretentiousness Surcharge of $50 for "special experience" dishes involving smoke, foam or soil; In the event of overall unsatisfactory service, 'The User' reserves the right to pay in Monopoly money. Public Transport: Should passengers be pressed together like vacuum-packed meat slices, 'The User' shall activate the Overcrowding Compensation Clause (19F), entitling them to the driver's seat and half-price travel for the following month. Furthermore: Should 'The User' be subjected to a fellow passenger's loud phone calls, body odour, TikTok videos or tuna and egg sandwiches, the Passenger Etiquette Clause (15c) will be enforced, allowing 'The User' to forcibly eject said offender at the next stop without threat of legal action. Platform announcements made in a rare 16th century Hindi dialect uttered at 300 words per minute on a static-filled PA system will automatically trigger a free coffee voucher at any station kiosk. Customer service hotlines: All interactions will now include a Mutual Holding Penalty Agreement, wherein every minute spent by 'The User' on hold shall trigger a 5 per cent reduction in said User's future bills. Furthermore, subjecting 'The User' to repetitive instrumental versions of Hotel California or any Celine Dion songs will require a Mental Health Payment Bonus to 'The User', who reserves the right to lodge an emotional damages claim. Doctors/Dentists/Chiropractors: 'The User' agrees to receive constant reminder messages about upcoming appointments requiring a Y/N reply. In return for agreeing to pay the stated fee for missing or running late for said appointment, the following shall apply: Should the medical practitioner not see 'The User' within 15 minutes of the agreed appointment, forcing 'The User' to sit on an uncomfortable chair reading tattered copies of The Australian Women's Weekly circa 1980, or next to a tantrum-throwing toddler eating their boogers, a 25 per cent reduction in fee payment will apply. A further 10 per cent discount will be awarded to 'The User' for a medical practitioner's illegible handwriting, or any diagnosis involving the words "just take some Panadol and rest up". Tradespeople and Delivery Drivers: From 1 July, 'The User' will charge a $30 per hour holding fee for time wasted while waiting for any tradesperson or courier promising to arrive between "7am and four billion years' time when the sun expands into a red giant, engulfing the inner planets". Airlines: Luggage lost or arriving at the wrong destination will entitle 'The User' to wear the pilot's uniform until baggage is returned. As well, in-flight meal services consisting of a soggy sandwich or half-frozen pie will require the offending airline to deliver an Uber Eats meal of 'The User's' choice to the plane as it taxis along the tarmac following arrival. Family and Friends Group Chats: 'The User' may abruptly withdraw from any digital discussion thread should group messages include: A photograph of a three-year-old niece's fingerpainting described by its parents as "genius"; Poorly-lit and incompetently framed photographs of evening meals; The acronym 'LOL' used without intended irony; Failure to use the bare minimum of punctuation. Please Note: Over-use of emojis and exclamation marks will require the offending sender to attend compulsory Emotional Moderation Training sessions. Please be advised that following any interaction with 'The User' you will be required to answer a lengthy survey about your experience that, under the terms of his Privacy Policy, will be ignored. The above terms and conditions are effective immediately and subject to change depending on 'The User's' whims and blood sugar levels. Thank you for your time. Have a nice day. HAVE YOUR SAY: What's the longest time you've spent on hold? Do you ignore or reply to the endless requests for customer feedback? How do you negotiate the increasing demands of the digital world? Email us: echidna@ SHARE THE LOVE: If you enjoy The Echidna, forward it to a friend so they can sign up, too. IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: - A failed attempt to import frogs, insect-infested fresh fruit and vegetables has been hailed by Agriculture Minister Julie Collins as a big win for border police. The illegal, insect-infested food smuggled from Thailand sought to circumvent Australia's biosecurity laws and flood Sydney's black market. - Taxpayers are facing a $2 million-plus bill for the ABC's failed legal defence of its decision to fire a radio host, Antoinette Lattouf, for her views on Gaza. - The jurors tasked with deciding whether Erin Patterson deliberately poisoned her estranged husband's family with a beef Wellington meal will begin deliberations next week. THEY SAID IT: "It used to cost money to disclose and distribute information. In the digital age it costs money not to." - Heather Brooke YOU SAID IT: Some applauded, many tut-tutted. This was the US president, after all. But most understood how letting rip with an F-bomb can ease pain and frustration. And in Trump's case, it appeared to stop a war. "I find profanities wonderful - an effective way to convey what I'm feeling AND get the pious and sanctimonious clutching at their pearls," writes Henry. "To quote Stephen Fry, people who take offense at things are inevitably looking for something to complain about." Neil from Cootamundra writes: "My mother would berate me as a teenager if I swore with the statement: 'Swearing displays to all that you have a poor grip on the English language!' That was just over 50 years ago, and I still swear, mainly at myself, today. Our language is forever changing with words being added that I would have been scolded for using a few decades ago. But in the end, language is the tool of communication and if swearing emphasises the point to get the message across then our language is doing its job!" "Swearing is actually, in some cases, a mild anaesthetic," writes Graeme. "As so many, such words, are part of the everyday lingo, I have no problem with their use. I have not heard Mr Trump's utterance, but in context could have been very effective in not beating around the bush, cutting through the shit. This does not make up for the wrecking ball Mr Trump is." Maggie writes: "If you doubt that former US presidents swore, go back to the Nixon tapes of the early 1970s. In a long career in one company, I was always careful with my language - until I was really cranky. Then everyone, including the big boss, jumped to attention."