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Scottish Sun
3 days ago
- General
- Scottish Sun
I'm growing tired of three-year-affair with my lover… our sex is awesome but he's still with his wife
He promises me we will be together soon and that we can have a fantastic life, but it is just words DEAR DEIDRE I'm growing tired of three-year-affair with my lover… our sex is awesome but he's still with his wife DEAR DEIDRE: MY lover visits me every Thursday or Friday, late afternoon. We have sex and then he carries on his merry way back to his wife. He tells me he loves me and sounds genuine but after three years, I am starting to tire of this arrangement. Advertisement I am 39 and he is 45. He has been married for 18 years but says that, despite the fact he and his wife are no more than friends, he would feel too guilty to leave her. He is an HGV driver and regularly stops in the lorry park where I have a mobile burger van. We used to swap banter while he stopped to eat and one time he suggested we go for a drink. There was a pub just up the road, so we went there. The next time we met up he came back to my flat. Advertisement We discovered that we are compatible when it comes to sex and instantly gelled. No matter what his working week is like, he always makes sure he calls at my flat before he returns to his wife for the weekend. The sex is awesome; he is a thoughtful lover. I convince myself things will work out with him in the end. However, I have been waiting for him to sort his life out for almost three years now. He promises me we will be together soon and that we can have a fantastic life, but it is just words because nothing changes. Advertisement Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating He hates it when I tell him my plans for the weekend. He doesn't like me going out with my friends even though he admits that he has got no right to expect me to live like a hermit. Is it time to end things even though I know how much it will hurt me to do so? DEIDRE SAYS: Your lover's marriage might be one of friendship, but he shows no signs of leaving his wife for you, despite his promises. Tell him to focus on his marriage and work out what he wants. Advertisement Perhaps give him a deadline and don't spend your entire life waiting around for him now. You can find someone to love you who is free to be with you – it's really what you deserve. But first you must end this affair. It will be tough, but you have no future together. Improve your social life, get out there and meet men who are free. My support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more. Advertisement Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. MY ROTTEN TEETH ARE A TURNOFF DEAR DEIDRE: MY horrible teeth are scaring women away. I rarely get a second date even though I have no trouble meeting women through dating apps. I am a 36-year-old man. I go to the gym to keep myself toned. I'm not that bad looking until I open my mouth. It is so awful. I have a couple of chipped and broken teeth and some of them are discoloured and misaligned too. I will chat to women and get on well with them while we message but when we meet up, I can tell immediately that the spark isn't there for them. I am terrified of the dentist but can't carry on like this because I am totally miserable. I am ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone look in my mouth. Advertisement It has gone on so long and my teeth are getting worse. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. It really is soul-destroying. DEIDRE SAYS: There is no need for you to suffer a minute longer. Dentists are trained to be sympathetic, not to judge you. It is important you seek professional help because this issue will only get worse. Advertisement Take a look at Dental Phobia ( who have a guide Overcoming Dental Fear you can download. Think ahead and imagine how relieved you will feel when you have got the treatment you desperately need and can start to date with confidence. REFUSING TO START FAMILY DEAR DEIDRE: I AM desperate to have a baby after waiting years for my husband to say he is ready for us to start a family. I am 34 and my husband is 35. We've been married for five years. A year into our marriage he agreed to try, but then when I discussed coming off The Pill with him he said to leave it a month or two. He admitted he wasn't 'quite ready'. I agreed to not mention it again for a while, but I don't understand what he is waiting for. Now a couple of years have gone by, and I am still waiting. We own a house together, our jobs are secure, and our relationship is good. I thought it would be the perfect time. My husband loves children and is brilliant with his nieces and nephews. I don't want to have a baby unless my husband wants it, too. I am trying to be understanding but my resentment is starting to drive a wedge between us. Why doesn't he want to start a family with me? DEIDRE SAYS: You are going to have to bring it up again in a calm moment because your husband is unlikely to. His attitude towards starting a family could be tied up with difficult experiences. Perhaps he had problems with his own dad and is scared that history will repeat itself? If you both want a family, it is time to start talking honestly but if he is adamant about never having children then I'm afraid you may have a difficult decision to make. HIS MUM WON'T GIVE US SPACE DEAR DEIDRE: IT appears my boyfriend's mum will always be the main woman in his life. She is like the third wheel in my relationship. I am 27 and my boyfriend is 29. We have been together for almost two years. My boyfriend was brought up by his mum after his dad died when he was only ten. Advertisement As a result, he and his mum are very close, which I completely understand. However, if we go out anywhere, to the cinema, bowling alley, dinner or just for a drink, my boyfriend always calls his mum to say where we are going. It is infuriating. It has got to the stage that if we go out for the day, a trip to the seaside or an adventure park, his mum comes along too. We have just bought our first flat, which needs a lot of work so there is plenty for us to do. His mum calls every weekend to say she has some DIY she needs help with, or something has gone wrong with her car, knowing that my boyfriend will drop everything to help her. Sometimes he can be gone for the rest of the day. Recently I picked her up late from the hairdressers. Advertisement She told my boyfriend that I drove too fast and almost caused an accident, which was untrue. My boyfriend went ballistic saying I had stressed her out. I am starting to feel that we are at a breaking point in our relationship. DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend became the husband figure after his dad died and has never stepped back. He formed a deep emotional connection with his mum, which has resulted in his loyalty towards her. You really must talk to him. Tell him that he must start putting your relationship first and then, put some boundaries in place with his mum, so he can be his own man. Advertisement I would also encourage him to talk to a Cruse bereavement counsellor, which will help him deal with his dad's death too ( 0808 808 1677).
The Irish Sun
3 days ago
- General
- The Irish Sun
I'm growing tired of three-year-affair with my lover… our sex is awesome but he's still with his wife
DEAR DEIDRE: MY lover visits me every Thursday or Friday, late afternoon. We have sex and then he carries on his merry way back to his wife. He tells me he loves me and sounds genuine but after three years, I am starting to tire of this arrangement. Advertisement I am 39 and he is 45. He has been married for 18 years but says that, despite the fact he and his wife are no more than friends, he would feel too guilty to leave her. He is an HGV driver and regularly stops in the lorry park where I have a mobile burger van. We used to swap banter while he stopped to eat and one time he suggested we go for a drink. There was a pub just up the road, so we went there. The next time we met up he came back to my flat. Advertisement We discovered that we are compatible when it comes to sex and instantly gelled. No matter what his working week is like, he always makes sure he calls at my flat before he returns to his wife for the weekend. The sex is awesome; he is a thoughtful lover. I convince myself things will work out with him in the end. However, I have been waiting for him to sort his life out for almost three years now. He promises me we will be together soon and that we can have a fantastic life, but it is just words because nothing changes. Advertisement Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating He hates it when I tell him my plans for the weekend. He doesn't like me going out with my friends even though he admits that he has got no right to expect me to live like a hermit. Is it time to end things even though I know how much it will hurt me to do so? DEIDRE SAYS: Your lover's marriage might be one of friendship, but he shows no signs of leaving his wife for you, despite his promises. Tell him to focus on his marriage and work out what he wants. Advertisement Perhaps give him a deadline and don't spend your entire life waiting around for him now. You can find someone to love you who is free to be with you – it's really what you deserve. But first you must end this affair. It will be tough, but you have no future together. Improve your social life, get out there and meet men who are free. My support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more. Advertisement Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the MY ROTTEN TEETH ARE A TURNOFF DEAR DEIDRE: MY horrible teeth are scaring women away. I rarely get a second date even though I have no trouble meeting women through dating apps. I am a 36-year-old man. I go to the gym to keep myself toned. I'm not that bad looking until I open my mouth. It is so awful. I have a couple of chipped and broken teeth and some of them are discoloured and misaligned too. I will chat to women and get on well with them while we message but when we meet up, I can tell immediately that the spark isn't there for them. I am terrified of the dentist but can't carry on like this because I am totally miserable. I am ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone look in my mouth. Advertisement It has gone on so long and my teeth are getting worse. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. It really is soul-destroying. DEIDRE SAYS: There is no need for you to suffer a minute longer. Dentists are trained to be sympathetic, not to judge you. It is important you seek professional help because this issue will only get worse. Advertisement Take a look at Dental Phobia ( Think ahead and imagine how relieved you will feel when you have got the treatment you desperately need and can start to date with confidence. REFUSING TO START FAMILY DEAR DEIDRE: I AM desperate to have a baby after waiting years for my husband to say he is ready for us to start a family. I am 34 and my husband is 35. We've been married for five years. A year into our marriage he agreed to try, but then when I discussed coming off The Pill with him he said to leave it a month or two. He admitted he wasn't 'quite ready'. I agreed to not mention it again for a while, but I don't understand what he is waiting for. Now a couple of years have gone by, and I am still waiting. We own a house together, our jobs are secure, and our relationship is good. I thought it would be the perfect time. My husband loves children and is brilliant with his nieces and nephews. I don't want to have a baby unless my husband wants it, too. I am trying to be understanding but my resentment is starting to drive a wedge between us. Why doesn't he want to start a family with me? DEIDRE SAYS: You are going to have to bring it up again in a calm moment because your husband is unlikely to. His attitude towards starting a family could be tied up with difficult experiences. Perhaps he had problems with his own dad and is scared that history will repeat itself? If you both want a family, it is time to start talking honestly but if he is adamant about never having children then I'm afraid you may have a difficult decision to make. HIS MUM WON'T GIVE US SPACE DEAR DEIDRE: IT appears my boyfriend's mum will always be the main woman in his life. She is like the third wheel in my relationship. I am 27 and my boyfriend is 29. We have been together for almost two years. My boyfriend was brought up by his mum after his dad died when he was only ten. Advertisement As a result, he and his mum are very close, which I completely understand. However, if we go out anywhere, to the cinema, bowling alley, dinner or just for a drink, my boyfriend always calls his mum to say where we are going. It is infuriating. It has got to the stage that if we go out for the day, a trip to the seaside or an adventure park, his mum comes along too. We have just bought our first flat, which needs a lot of work so there is plenty for us to do. His mum calls every weekend to say she has some DIY she needs help with, or something has gone wrong with her car, knowing that my boyfriend will drop everything to help her. Sometimes he can be gone for the rest of the day. Recently I picked her up late from the hairdressers. Advertisement She told my boyfriend that I drove too fast and almost caused an accident, which was untrue. My boyfriend went ballistic saying I had stressed her out. I am starting to feel that we are at a breaking point in our relationship. DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend became the husband figure after his dad died and has never stepped back. He formed a deep emotional connection with his mum, which has resulted in his loyalty towards her. You really must talk to him. Tell him that he must start putting your relationship first and then, put some boundaries in place with his mum, so he can be his own man. Advertisement I would also encourage him to talk to a Cruse bereavement counsellor, which will help him deal with his dad's death too (
The Irish Sun
25-06-2025
- General
- The Irish Sun
My soulmate is already married and still hasn't left her husband – is she stringing me along?
DEAR DEIDRE: THE woman I'm dating is my soulmate and perfect in every way – apart from the fact she is married to someone else. We lie in bed after sex talking about all our future plans, but I am starting to think she is stringing me along. Advertisement I'm 34 and single. She's 38 and has been married for ten years. We met at the local gym five years ago. The moment we started talking, I fell for her. She made me feel like I'd known her for ever. She is beautiful, funny and kind, and she has become my best friend. We started off training together in the gym, progressed to meeting for coffee, then, a few months later, ended up in bed in my flat. From the start, she told me how unhappy her marriage was, She said she was no longer intimate with her husband. Advertisement When we have sex, she always says it is everything it has never been with him — tender, passionate and exciting. Afterwards, she lies in my arms, enjoying pillow talk about all the places we'll go together, even what our future children will look like. Until recently, I was convinced she would leave her husband. But it still hasn't happened. When I ask her why, she says she doesn't want to hurt him. Now I'm really struggling. I've invested everything in us and I can't imagine my life without her. I don't want to lose my best friend, but I also don't want to live in this limbo for ever. I've tried to end our affair a few times. She gets upset and I end up falling back into bed with her. Advertisement Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating DEIDRE SAYS: I have no doubt she cares for you. But, ultimately, we have to judge people not just by what they say, but also by their actions. Clearly, something is tying her to her husband – whether it's fear or comfort. And you need to ask yourself if she's being completely honest with you. Perhaps it's time to give her an ultimatum. Set a time limit – either she leaves him, or you'll break up with her. But beware of empty words. They will only undermine your relationship. Keep your eyes open to any efforts to manipulate your emotions again. My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, has useful information about being in this sort of affair. Advertisement You only have one life and deserve to be with someone who is 100 per cent committed to you. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the I LONG TO BE AN UNCLE BUT SISTER WON'T HAVE KIDS DEAR DEIDRE: MY sister's decision not to have children has deeply upset me because I fear I'll die a lonely old man. I'm single and gay, and highly unlikely ever to have kids of my own. Now I'll never even become an uncle. I'm in my mid 40s and my sister is 39, and recently married. She has told me she and her husband have chosen not to have children. We're a small family, and there's nobody else to create a new generation. Advertisement When our parents die, it will just be the two of us left. There will be no one to spend Christmases with, and nobody to help look after me when I'm old. I love kids and feel so sad that there won't be any in my life. It's made everything feel pointless and empty. While I know it's her decision to make, it really hurts. DEIDRE SAYS: The way you're feeling is a type of grief, for the loss of the future you'd imagined as an uncle. It's known as disenfranchised grief. Don't give up on having children of your own. You may meet someone, and gay men are now able to adopt or have children through IVF. Advertisement Even if that doesn't happen, it might be possible for you to foster. My support pack, Feeling Lonely, should help you to find ways to overcome this. It would also be a good idea for you to talk to a counsellor about your feelings. DRIVING HER AWAY WITH MY TRAUMA DEAR DEIDRE: I BELIEVED I had overcome my childhood trauma, but it's come back to haunt me. My brother was murdered and I feel like I'm losing my daughter, just like I lost him. I know it's all my fault because of the way I'm treating her, yet I can't help myself. I'm a woman of 45 and when I was 12, my younger brother, then just ten, was killed by a local man. I've always been overprotective of my daughter because of what happened to my brother. She is now 22 and lives with her boyfriend. When I saw bruises on her arm I immediately assumed he had been physically abusive. She said I was jumping to ridiculous conclusions. She told me that I suffocated her and she'd had enough. Now she hasn't spoken to me for two months. I miss her so much and I need drugs to sleep. Please help. DEIDRE SAYS: None of this is your fault. You love your daughter and it's natural you want to protect her from potential harm, especially after what happened. Childhood trauma has a tendency to resurface, especially at times of stress. It isn't too late to seek help for what you went through. Contact SAMM ( which provides peer support to people bereaved by murder and manslaughter. Ask your daughter if you can talk calmly, and explain. Hopefully she'll be understanding. SHOULD I REVEAL FAMILY SECRET? DEAR DEIDRE: HOW do I tell my children that their eldest sister is actually only their half-sister? They deserve to know the truth, but I'm worried it will affect the closeness of their relationship. Advertisement I'm in my late 40s and have four children, two boys and two girls, ranging between 17 and 26. When I was a young student, I accidentally got pregnant. I chose to have the baby – a girl. But her dad wanted nothing to do with her, and we soon split. I haven't heard from him since. When I married my now husband, a few years later, he agreed to adopt my daughter and bring her up as his own. We then went on to have three children together. Our daughter knows the circumstances of her birth, but the other children don't. They don't seem to have questioned that, while they all have their dad's dark hair , eyes, and height, their eldest sister is petite and fair. Advertisement I feel they're all old enough to know the truth now but I'm worried it might change our family dynamic. DEIDRE SAYS: Keeping family secrets is generally not a good idea, as they have a habit of coming out – potentially causing great upset. Your children clearly love each other, so finding out their sibling is only a half-sister is unlikely to stop them getting on, or make them treat her differently. However, the news may come as a shock, and they might feel angry that they weren't told earlier – particularly with you. You need to prepare yourself for this possibility. Think about how you'll explain why this was kept from them, and reassure them. Advertisement Ultimately though, this should be your eldest daughter's decision, as she is the one directly affected. Discuss it with her first. For more advice, contact Family Lives (
Scottish Sun
03-06-2025
- Health
- Scottish Sun
I've been having steamy affair with married man for four years – but he won't leave wife and kids for me
I am torn between my heart and what my brain tells me to do, which is to cut him off DEAR DEIDRE I've been having steamy affair with married man for four years – but he won't leave wife and kids for me Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING a passionate affair isn't all it's cracked up to be and I'm not proud I've been sneaking around with a married man for four years. It was never my intention to develop a long-term relationship and I haven't told a soul about us. Even though realistically he is the one cheating — after all, I'm strictly speaking a single woman — I still carry a lot of shame and I feel so bad for his wife and children. I first met my lover at work. He is 36 and I am 31. I had gone through a bad break-up and I found myself confiding in him. We'd fancied each other for ages. It all kicked off with some gentle email flirting. Then, after a couple of weeks, we began finding quiet spots to have sex at work. It seemed the most natural thing in the world even though it was risky. That is what made it exciting. I didn't think I would let myself fall in love with him, but of course then I did. He's adamant that he will never leave his wife and two kids for me and yet assumes he will always have me in his life. I am torn between my heart and what my brain tells me to do, which is to cut him off. It has been almost two weeks now since I last saw him and slept with him. He is the one who always initiates the meet-ups, never me. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships He will sometimes drive an hour to spend a night at the weekend with me. I never go to see him. I know he is a love rat and nothing will ever change. DEIDRE SAYS: You are right. After all this time he is not going to make the break, especially when he has the best of both worlds. It is now time to be kind to yourself. Explain that casual relationships are not your style and you are moving on. It will be tough, but you are worth more than staying in a one-sided, no-strings relationship. You deserve better and my support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more about how to handle this sort of situation. Be polite and professional with him at work but avoid being alone with him. There are plenty of men your age who are free to love you and give you all the things that you want. My support pack Finding The Right Partner explains more and should be helpful for you. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. TRAPPED AND ALONE IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE DEAR DEIDRE: THE reality of retirement is so different from what I imagined. I hoped my husband and I would spend time together, but he prefers to sit in his bedroom on the computer. Weekends are the worst. He makes his coffee, does his own washing and prepares his own food. He will spend every minute in his bedroom until he goes to the gym on Monday morning. My husband's 67 and I'm 63. We have been married for 40 years but in the last decade we have lived separate lives. He told me my snoring was keeping him awake so I moved into our single room. I have explained how lonely I am and would like to have a chat and a coffee together, but it always ends up in arguments. There is no support from him and I don't have any other choice but to stay as financially he has all the money. I took early retirement due to ill health. I feel trapped and don't see the point of going on. DEIDRE SAYS: This is a miserable way to live but it sounds as if he is not going to change. He may be mirroring his parents' relationship, so his behaviour does not seem abnormal to him. Pick a moment to talk to him about how you are feeling. He is actually being abusive. Withholding money is a form of abuse. My support pack Abusive Partner explains more. HOW CAN I CATCH MY THIEF FRIEND? DEAR DEIDRE: MY best friend has been stealing money from me. I'm a woman of 51 and I've known my mate since we were in primary school. She's 52. She moved to Spain with her family for a while but she'd always meet me when she came home to visit her parents. She contacted me two years ago saying that she was divorcing her husband. He has a drinking problem. Her parents need her as they are getting on, so she's sold up in Spain and bought a flat near me but she's struggling to pay her bills and I regularly bail her out. I realised that I'd be taking money out of the ATM for incidental things – paying my dog walker, for example – but when I'd go to pay him, the notes would be missing. I've come to realise that the money disappears when my friend has been to my house. Do I confront her or say nothing and keep on bailing her out? DEIDRE SAYS: If she's taking money from you, this is a huge betrayal of trust so why shouldn't she be held to account? You need some evidence, though. Rather than going in, all guns blazing, tell her that you've noticed money going missing and you don't understand it and be clear that you're feeling the pinch of having money go missing. Watch her closely and if she takes money you may casually leave around, you can tell her she's hurt you and from now on, there's no more bailing out. I'M WORRIED BY HER LOW MOOD DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER dropping out of school, my daughter has now dropped out of college. It has got to the stage where she won't leave the house. I know she is suffering from depression and anxiety but rarely wants to talk. She is being assessed by the local young people's mental health team to see if she is autistic. I think she needs medication, but they won't prescribe anything. Every day she seems to get worse. I am her 48-year-old dad. I worry because she used to be very happy and outgoing, so I am not sure what has changed. I tried to suggest she talk to a counsellor, but she doesn't want to go. She's just 17. Having done some research online I also suggested she try 'journaling', mindfulness or yoga but that fell on deaf ears. She just shuts herself in her room, listening to music or watching Netflix. She is eating and she says she is sleeping but I am at the end of my tether. I work full-time and I am not always here to keep an eye on her. Neither is her mum. I am trying to keep calm and have talked to my wife, family and friends about how I am feeling as it is so isolating, not knowing what more I can do to help. DEIDRE SAYS: This must be a huge worry for you. It isn't unusual for a young person to feel depressed but with help and therapy, your daughter has every chance of recovering. Find support through (0808 802 5544), who can give you more advice about mental health services for young people. Juggling work and being a parent can feel overwhelming, but it is important to look after yourself. Your mental health is just as important, so it is a positive that you are talking to your family and friends for their support too.
Scottish Sun
04-05-2025
- Scottish Sun
I'm having best sex of my life with married man – but I've been left reeling since I found out I'm not his only lover
He won't stop flirting with other women on social media DEAR DEIDRE I'm having best sex of my life with married man – but I've been left reeling since I found out I'm not his only lover Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) I AM having the best sex of my life, with a married man, but since I caught him cheating on me I've been left reeling and feeling agonised about whether our relationship can work. I am 25 and my lover is 39. There was an instant attraction when I met him at work and I fell for him hard and fast. The discovery that he was married didn't stop us from then beginning an affair. I even met his adorable little boys and loved them, too. I am so happy, but my parents are not. They refuse to meet my lover because he is way older than me, and married. Stumbling across him kissing and fooling around with another woman at a work team-building day has made me question everything. At the end of the training there was a drinks reception, but I couldn't find my partner anywhere. After much searching, I discovered him at the back of a marquee with this woman I recognised from another department. Initially, I was gutted but I later forgave him. The problem is, he won't stop flirting with other women on social media. Dear Deidre: Understanding the impact of ghosting He never says anything about me or his wife to them. It is causing constant arguments and, although he occasionally says I am the one he wants to be with, it's only when he's been drinking. I thought he would be pleased when I discovered I was pregnant, but he went ballistic and tried to persuade me to have an abortion. My parents did the same and in the end I agreed. It was a big mistake because I feel so guilty and sad. The rows have continued and are much more frequent. I want things to be like they were when we first met. DEIDRE SAYS: I'm sure you do but this is not love. Everything is on his terms and he is never going to commit to you when he has the best of both worlds. A termination usually leads to mixed feelings. You suffered a genuine loss, a what-might-have-been. That doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. It would help to talk over your feelings with a counsellor. Contact (0808 808 4994), which helps under-25s. My support pack Termination You Reget will help you too. Look for someone who is prepared to commit himself fully and only to you because this man won't alter his behaviour to suit your wishes. My support pack Your Lover Not Free? explains more. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. SEX WITH WIFE'S SO VANILLA DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife says she is up for improving our repetitive and vanilla sex life – but when it boils down to it, she can't bring herself to do the things we have talked about. It is so frustrating. I am 33 and she is 31. We have been together for six years and have a two-year-old daughter. We are very much in love. Everything in our relationship is fine, except for the lack of bedroom action. My wife says no matter how much she wants to experiment and try new things, there is something holding her back. She won't even look at me naked, and struggles to touch me intimately. She says it makes her feel uncomfortable. She has no problem with me doing things to her, but it seems she is unable to do anything back, no matter how hard she tries. I am trying to be patient but how long do I wait for things to change? DEIDRE SAYS: You have patience by the bucketload, and it is sad that this has gone on for so long. It sounds as if there is something from her early-life experiences which could be affecting her. Or messages she received about sex from her parents, that sex is sordid, could be a trigger. If she wasn't kissed and hugged a lot, she may be too inhibited and struggle to show physical affection in return. She may feel anxious about getting it wrong, too. My support pack Want To Be More Adventurous In Bed explains more. STEALING AT WORK HAS RUINED LIFE DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I haven't put a foot wrong after being caught stealing at work, I am ashamed of what I did. I am a 29-year-old man. I owned up straight away, and had to pay a fine and do community service, but four years on I still can't forget it. I have a girlfriend who is 25 and she knows everything about my past, but her parents have no idea. We are meant to be going on holiday later this year to Las Vegas. The flights are all booked, and we are now looking at booking a hotel. But I am trying to delay the booking as long as possible. I need to wait to see if my visa application is successful. It is stressing me out. My girlfriend says she won't go if my application is refused. I do value her support, but it is likely to cause a rift with her parents if she doesn't go, which is the last thing I want. DEIDRE SAYS: This would be a lot less stressful if you could find the strength to be honest with her parents. Explain how you've learned from the experience and have made significant positive changes to your life. Talk to your girlfriend and tell her you want her to go without you if your visa is denied. Take character references with you, in support of your visa application. You can find out more through Nacro's Criminal Record Support Service ( 0300 123 1999). Good luck. TORMENTED BY MY ABUSIVE EX DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER a nasty break-up three years ago, I still can't get my ex out of my life. I'm a woman of 30 and he is 33. We were together for three years. He was charming at first but then the controlling, abusive behaviour began. It started with little things such as always wanting to know my location, and criticising my choice of clothes and friends. I finally left him, and he went to live in Spain. I thought I was well shot of him and went on to meet someone new. Occasionally I'd still hear from him, but it was when I told him that I had met someone new that he began his campaign of nastiness towards me. He told me that he still loved me, though, and wanted to marry me. He can be so charming and sincere, but I try to keep our conversations as brief as possible. Then one day I got a call from him while I was at work. It put the wind up me because I have never given him my work number. I then discovered that he has been hacking my emails and social media accounts. I have tried both being polite and getting nasty, but nothing is working. I just desperately want him to leave me alone so that I can now start to move on with my life. DEIDRE SAYS: Despite his charms, this is harassment and a criminal offence. Break-ups are never easy to deal with, but you must tell him firmly that you do not want him to contact you again. Don't answer his calls, emails or messages thereafter. Block him if necessary. I hope he will get the message when he doesn't get a reaction from you. Keep a detailed diary of everything that happens, should he continue. Seriously consider reporting his behaviour to the police. You can get further advice from the National Stalking Helpline ( 0808 802 0300).
