I've been having steamy affair with married man for four years – but he won't leave wife and kids for me

Scottish Sun

03-06-2025

I am torn between my heart and what my brain tells me to do, which is to cut him off
DEAR DEIDRE I've been having steamy affair with married man for four years – but he won't leave wife and kids for me
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DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING a passionate affair isn't all it's cracked up to be and I'm not proud I've been sneaking around with a married man for four years.
It was never my intention to develop a long-term relationship and I haven't told a soul about us.
Even though realistically he is the one cheating — after all, I'm strictly speaking a single woman — I still carry a lot of shame and I feel so bad for his wife and children.
I first met my lover at work. He is 36 and I am 31.
I had gone through a bad break-up and I found myself confiding in him. We'd fancied each other for ages.
It all kicked off with some gentle email flirting.
Then, after a couple of weeks, we began finding quiet spots to have sex at work.
It seemed the most natural thing in the world even though it was risky. That is what made it exciting.
I didn't think I would let myself fall in love with him, but of course then I did.
He's adamant that he will never leave his wife and two kids for me and yet assumes he will always have me in his life.
I am torn between my heart and what my brain tells me to do, which is to cut him off. It has been almost two weeks now since I last saw him and slept with him.
He is the one who always initiates the meet-ups, never me.
Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships
He will sometimes drive an hour to spend a night at the weekend with me.
I never go to see him. I know he is a love rat and nothing will ever change.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are right. After all this time he is not going to make the break, especially when he has the best of both worlds.
It is now time to be kind to yourself. Explain that casual relationships are not your style and you are moving on.
It will be tough, but you are worth more than staying in a one-sided, no-strings relationship.
You deserve better and my support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more about how to handle this sort of situation.
Be polite and professional with him at work but avoid being alone with him.
There are plenty of men your age who are free to love you and give you all the things that you want.
My support pack Finding The Right Partner explains more and should be helpful for you.
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TRAPPED AND ALONE IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE
DEAR DEIDRE: THE reality of retirement is so different from what I imagined.
I hoped my husband and I would spend time together, but he prefers to sit in his bedroom on the computer.
Weekends are the worst. He makes his coffee, does his own washing and prepares his own food.
He will spend every minute in his bedroom until he goes to the gym on Monday morning.
My husband's 67 and I'm 63. We have been married for 40 years but in the last decade we have lived separate lives.
He told me my snoring was keeping him awake so I moved into our single room.
I have explained how lonely I am and would like to have a chat and a coffee together, but it always ends up in arguments.
There is no support from him and I don't have any other choice but to stay as financially he has all the money. I took early retirement due to ill health.
I feel trapped and don't see the point of going on.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is a miserable way to live but it sounds as if he is not going to change.
He may be mirroring his parents' relationship, so his behaviour does not seem abnormal to him.
Pick a moment to talk to him about how you are feeling.
He is actually being abusive.
Withholding money is a form of abuse. My support pack Abusive Partner explains more.
HOW CAN I CATCH MY THIEF FRIEND?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY best friend has been stealing money from me.
I'm a woman of 51 and I've known my mate since we were in primary school.
She's 52. She moved to Spain with her family for a while but she'd always meet me when she came home to visit her parents.
She contacted me two years ago saying that she was divorcing her husband. He has a drinking problem.
Her parents need her as they are getting on, so she's sold up in Spain and bought a flat near me but she's struggling to pay her bills and I regularly bail her out.
I realised that I'd be taking money out of the ATM for incidental things – paying my dog walker, for example – but when I'd go to pay him, the notes would be missing.
I've come to realise that the money disappears when my friend has been to my house.
Do I confront her or say nothing and keep on bailing her out?
DEIDRE SAYS: If she's taking money from you, this is a huge betrayal of trust so why shouldn't she be held to account? You need some evidence, though.
Rather than going in, all guns blazing, tell her that you've noticed money going missing and you don't understand it and be clear that you're feeling the pinch of having money go missing.
Watch her closely and if she takes money you may casually leave around, you can tell her she's hurt you and from now on, there's no more bailing out.
I'M WORRIED BY HER LOW MOOD
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER dropping out of school, my daughter has now dropped out of college. It has got to the stage where she won't leave the house.
I know she is suffering from depression and anxiety but rarely wants to talk.
She is being assessed by the local young people's mental health team to see if she is autistic. I think she needs medication, but they won't prescribe anything. Every day she seems to get worse.
I am her 48-year-old dad. I worry because she used to be very happy and outgoing, so I am not sure what has changed.
I tried to suggest she talk to a counsellor, but she doesn't want to go.
She's just 17. Having done some research online I also suggested she try 'journaling', mindfulness or yoga but that fell on deaf ears.
She just shuts herself in her room, listening to music or watching Netflix. She is eating and she says she is sleeping but I am at the end of my tether.
I work full-time and I am not always here to keep an eye on her. Neither is her mum.
I am trying to keep calm and have talked to my wife, family and friends about how I am feeling as it is so isolating, not knowing what more I can do to help.
DEIDRE SAYS: This must be a huge worry for you. It isn't unusual for a young person to feel depressed but with help and therapy, your daughter has every chance of recovering.
Find support through youngminds.org.uk (0808 802 5544), who can give you more advice about mental health services for young people.
Juggling work and being a parent can feel overwhelming, but it is important to look after yourself.
Your mental health is just as important, so it is a positive that you are talking to your family and friends for their support too.