Latest news with #datingadvice
Forbes
9 hours ago
- General
- Forbes
3 Mistakes To Avoid Before A First Date, By A Psychologist
It's easy to stress over first impressions, but the biggest blocks to genuine connection are ... More internal. Here are three mistakes to avoid before a first date. First dates often come with a mix of feelings, varying from excitement to nervousness. Many people struggle with the internal pressure to ensure everything goes perfectly. However, in the desire for things to go as planned, you may place unnecessary weight on how the date should unfold. This can unintentionally set you up for stress, constant overanalysis or even disappointment. How your first date will go tends to depend more on your internal state than all the external effort you put into it. The way you show up is usually shaped by what you expect, believe or fear going in. The mindset with which you walk into a first date matters more than you think. Contrary to what many people may believe, first dates do not have to be perfect. It is important to remember that the first date is simply an opportunity to see if there's a genuine connection. What truly helps is showing up with presence and a willingness to stay grounded in your truth. This will help you evaluate the situation better, as well as the person in front of you, a little more objectively. With that in mind, here are three mistakes to avoid before the first date and how avoiding them can make all the difference. 1. Going In With Preconceived Assumptions When you show up to a date with a fixed narrative or a preconceived notion, say, by imagining that your date is 'the one' or assuming how they'll behave, you're only interacting with your idea of them, and you might inadvertently shut off the possibility of getting to know them for who they are. In a 2021 study published in Current Psychology, researchers looked at how people form expectations about someone before meeting them, especially through information gathered online, for instance, their social media or their dating profile. The researchers wanted to know if these expectations affect how you feel about someone after you meet them. They studied the interactions of 71 pairs of people and collected their expectations before they interacted. Then, the pairs had a structured self-disclosure conversation over Skype (video chat), simulating a first meeting or first date. Researchers found that pre-interaction expectations did influence how people felt during and after the interaction. If someone expected to like the other person, they did end up liking them more. If expectations were low, their reactions often stayed aligned with that stance. Even seeing someone's face before talking to them didn't change the impact of the pre-formed impression. What they thought beforehand shaped how they interpreted everything. Interestingly, researchers also found that participants underestimated how much they were liked by the other person. This reflects a common psychological bias called the 'liking gap,' which means you may often assume you're less liked than you are, especially in new interactions. This can trigger unnecessary self-doubt or make you 'give up' on a connection prematurely. This research highlights how you need to try meeting someone with a clean slate. Let go of the mental scripts or expectations created from their Instagram highlights or clever texts. Let curiosity be your guide rather than the assumptions you have formed. This openness will allow you to truly see the person and be seen in return. 2. Rushing Into Quick Intimacy It's natural to want to build a connection quickly on a first date. While vulnerability creates closeness, it is important to remember that oversharing too soon can create emotional whiplash. There's a difference between being open and emotionally dumping in the name of bonding. This is often a result of accelerated intimacy, where people reveal highly personal information too early, often in an attempt to fast-track emotional closeness. Even though it may feel like bonding in the moment, it can very easily overwhelm the other person or create a false sense of depth that may not be grounded in trust. Self-disclosure, however, works best when it's balanced. This is backed by research. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology looked at how reciprocity in self-disclosure (i.e., taking turns opening up) affects how much people like each other, especially when they're meeting for the first time. The researchers brought together strangers (who had never met before) and put them into pairs. These pairs participated in structured conversations involving personal questions. There were two main groups. First was the reciprocal disclosure group, where both people took turns asking and answering personal questions. The second group was the non-reciprocal disclosure group, where one person did most of the sharing, while the other mainly listened. Then, in a second round, they switched roles. Researchers found that people in the reciprocal group felt more liking, closeness and similarity after the first interaction. Even when the non-reciprocal pairs switched roles later, they still didn't feel as connected as those who had taken turns sharing from the beginning. So, it wasn't just about both people sharing eventually; rather, it was about the way sharing was structured right from the start. This research highlights that balanced and mutual self-disclosure creates deeper connection, especially in early interactions. If one person talks a lot about themselves without allowing space for the other to share, the connection may feel one-sided or overwhelming. This is a reminder that instead of trying to impress with depth, you must aim to connect with presence. Let the conversation flow naturally by being present and letting trust build gradually, even in the silences. 3. Making The Outcome Too Important You might have many hopes tied to a first date, especially if you've been looking forward to it or feel emotionally invested in the other person. This can make the outcome seem too important, which leads to the date feeling more like an audition and less like a conversation. If your self-worth gets entangled with how the date goes, you might end up overperforming, overanalyzing or freezing up entirely. This may stop you from being fully present. You may instead start monitoring yourself and the other person for signs of success or failure. This can create unnecessary pressure. A 2024 study published in Development and Psychopathology explored how the fear of being evaluated, both negatively (being judged or rejected) and positively (being noticed or praised), affects social anxiety and emotional regulation in adolescents. Traditionally, psychologists have focused on the fear of negative evaluation (FNE), but this study highlights a newer concept, which is the 'fear of positive evaluation' (FPE). This is the discomfort or anxiety people feel even when they receive compliments or positive attention because it can raise expectations or make them feel exposed. The study followed 684 adolescents over six months and looked at how these fears interacted with acceptance (being okay with how you feel), suppression (trying to hide or block emotions) and rumination (overthinking or dwelling on things). People who struggled to accept their emotions were more likely to develop a fear of positive evaluation (FPE), where even praise made them anxious. Those who suppressed emotions (hid how they felt) were more prone to social anxiety. Social anxiety led to more rumination, meaning they kept overanalyzing their interactions, often long after they were over. This study reveals that the fear of being evaluated, whether positively or negatively, can trigger anxiety, emotional suppression and overthinking, especially in high-stakes social situations like a first date. In short, when you try too hard to be liked, it can actually make it harder for you to connect. This is because it disconnects you from your emotional ease and authenticity. Remember to show up to connect, not to perform. This way you'll create space for something real to unfold. Showing Up Authentically A first date is merely an opportunity to meet both the other person and yourself in a new context. The goal here isn't to perform perfectly or win someone over. It is much better to go in with the intention to show up fully as you are and allow the interaction to unfold in its natural rhythm, rather than forcing it to match what you expected or imagined it should be. When you think of showing up authentically, it is important to remember that it is more about being present enough to respond and not react, and being self-aware enough to notice when you're trying to be liked instead of being real. Your most magnetic quality is your comfort with yourself. When you're at ease, open and not tangled in outcomes, the conversation will flow and it will be easier for you to discern if there's alignment. So, try to take the pressure off and remember that you don't need to 'be' anything; you just need to come as you are and give the other person the space to show up as their authentic selves too. Are you showing up authentically in your relationships? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale
Daily Mail
20-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
I'm not ashamed of reading troll paradise Tattle. It exposes grifting influencers and their hypocrisy... I'll be bereft if it shuts down: CLAUDIA CONNELL
The email was brief and to the point. 'Has anyone ever told you that you've got a face like the Churchill dog?' asked the author, contacting me after I'd written about losing weight. Then there was the time, after revealing my online dating adventures, that a charming gent wrote a letter to tell me 'You look like an overstuffed sofa, no wonder you're single.'
Forbes
10-06-2025
- General
- Forbes
2 Reasons Why You Struggle To Trust Your New Partner, By A Psychologist
Meeting someone who genuinely cares about you and matches your values and ethics can be wonderful, but overwhelming for many. When you do, you might try to pull back, especially if you've recently recovered from a breakup. You might ask yourself, 'What if they hurt me again?' or 'What if they're the wrong person for me?' You start dating but you're constantly on the lookout for that 'aha' moment when you'll catch them doing something wrong. But the truth is, you expecting them to mess up can lead you to sabotage your new relationship, because you don't fully believe that it could work out in the first place. Your constant overthinking, second-guessing or withholding pieces of your heart, is not going to help you have a thriving relationship, especially when this person hasn't given you a reason to. Here are two reasons why it's so hard not to let the ghosts of your past affect your current relationship. It can take a long time to move on from your ex, and the amount of time it takes differs from person to person. Even when they're amicable, breakups can leave us with countless unresolved feelings and it takes time to come to terms with them. So, when you finally meet someone new, parts of you may be afraid to give in to that feeling of love again, as it's also become associated with experiencing pain. Especially when a prior relationship has made you feel emotionally unsafe, such as a previous partner telling you you're 'too emotional,' 'too loud' or simply not enough, your nervous system learns to brace for impact with someone new. After a heartbreak, opening up to someone again feels risky. You might hold back parts of yourself and find yourself constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, even in moments of calm or happiness, thinking, 'What if they're nice now, but turn out to be like my ex later?' You likely tell yourself something along the lines of 'Last time I opened up, I got hurt. I can't go through that again.' However, no matter how much you try to avoid being vulnerable, the reality is that you have to let someone in for them to see you and accept you as you are. When your trust in your significant other is shaky, it weakens the foundation of your relationship. While you have to take the risk of being vulnerable again to build a meaningful relationship, your new partner also needs to show they are trustworthy and supportive. In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, researchers found that many remarried people found it 'very hard at first' to trust their new spouses. They needed proven examples to internalize that this marriage would be different than their last. 'When I got into my relationship with my husband it was difficult. I have since learned to trust him, but I initially brought all that baggage into the second marriage. It took him showing me that he was different for me to change my beliefs about him,' one participant explained. Moreover, their fears and insecurities rose when participants' perceived their current spouse responding to them in similar ways as their former spouse did. 'My last partner told me he was not sexually attracted to me because I had gained weight. When my current husband is not interested in me sexually, I seem to return to the fear that he also is not attracted to me,' another participant mentions. This highlights the lingering impact of previous experiences and how important it is to have corrective emotional experiences with a new partner. As a result of previous hurt, people develop what's called an 'attachment injury' and tell themselves that they will never trust anyone again. They keep second-guessing their choice of partners because of negative experiences with their exes. 'I thought the last person was good at first…Until they weren't. What if I'm wrong again?' one participant says. The truth is, we'll never know for sure unless we let the other person in. Here's what one participant in the study did to start rebuilding their trust in relationships again: '(My current spouse and I) built trust by taking a chance being vulnerable with each other, talking things out more, (… and) bringing out different aspects of each other than were brought out in our previous marriages.' Sometimes we don't recognize emotional safety even when it is present because we've never known what it's supposed to feel like. However, learning that your partner is a completely different person than your exes can make this process easier with time. Many of us move on through our actions before we've healed emotionally. You might have left a relationship physically. You may have deleted their photos and blocked the number, but still carry the emotional weight of what happened. That unfinished grief, anger or confusion can show up unexpectedly in your new relationship. When you're used to chaos, inconsistency or emotional neglect, you treat newfound peace with suspicion, almost as though it must be the calm before the storm. You might even think that the safety and security a new partner offers you is boring. However, just as many remarried people have experienced, healing takes time, and it's possible to love freely again. Here are some ways to move on from the past. One way to get over fear-based patterns is to change what signs your brain is seeking. The more you seek out negative patterns, the more likely you are to see them even if they indicate something else. This can be understood through the lens of the 'frequency illusion' or the 'Baader-Meinhof phenomenon,' which occurs when something you've recently noticed, learned or thought about seems to appear to you more frequently than it truly does in reality. We are shaped by what we have undergone in our past. So, it's natural for it to come up again in future relationships. But we do not have to have to let paranoia overrule our chances of finding love. Your heartbreak may have been severe, but it is not permanently broken; let safer love in through those cracks. Do you find it easy to open up to your partner or do you need to build more trust with them? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale
Forbes
22-05-2025
- General
- Forbes
3 Ways Dating Advice Is Sabotaging Your Love Life, By A Psychologist
Is dating advice helping you build a real connection or just fueling your overthinking? Here are ... More three ways it could be getting in the way of love. Dating advice is everywhere, from pop-psychology tips on social media to well-meaning friends and family ready to jump in with their take on what you should or shouldn't do in the dating world. Whether it's 'never text first' or 'play hard to get,' the advice is endless, often conflicting and very easy to get swept up in. While it's natural to seek advice, validation or even just a sense of clarity about dating, everyone around you likely has an opinion, often rooted in their own experiences. Sometimes, you'll hear stories that feel strikingly similar to your own, making their advice seem even more appropriate. It can be healthy to vent, reflect or take bits of advice that genuinely resonate with you, but there's a fine line between using advice to support your clarity and using it to override it. As relatable as someone's story might be, the people involved, their emotional histories, attachment patterns and communication styles are never identical. What worked in their case may not always be helpful in yours. Their opinion should serve as a mirror, not a step-by-step manual. This is why it's essential to build awareness around your own relational patterns, what you truly want in a relationship and what feels right to you in your dating process. At the end of the day, no one else is living your experience. The more you crowd your inner voice with outside noise, the harder it becomes to understand what you want. Here are three ways dating advice could be sabotaging your love life. One of the most common ways dating advice becomes harmful is when it teaches you to prioritize strategy over authenticity. You've likely heard suggestions like, 'Don't be too available,' 'Mirror their energy' or 'Always have the upper hand.' While they may sound empowering on the surface, these tips often push people to suppress their instincts and disconnect from their inner compass. Research published in the Journal of Personality on self-monitoring in close relationships found that people who frequently adjust their behavior to fit the situation (called high self-monitors) tend to form less emotionally connected and less committed relationships. They often build bonds around shared activities rather than deep emotional compatibility. In contrast, low self-monitors, who remain true to themselves regardless of the situation, are more likely to form stable and meaningful relationships. Much of the dating advice online encourages high self-monitoring behavior, where you're constantly watching, adjusting and performing to earn love. It pulls you out of your emotional truth and places you in a cycle of self-editing. Over time, this can weaken not just your connection with others, but also with yourself. While strategy may offer short-term control, it's authenticity that builds long-term connection. True intimacy is only possible if you show up as yourself, and not as a version curated to win someone over. Many dating tips are packaged in bite-sized, confident one-liners like 'If they wanted to, they would,' 'Just move on' or 'They're not confused; they're just not interested.' While these seem to intuitively make sense, they often oversimplify deeply layered emotional experiences. Sometimes, such straightforward advice can help bring clarity. But when it's used to quickly label or dismiss what you're feeling, it can lead to emotional suppression rather than emotional understanding. A 2020 study on thought suppression found consistent evidence of 'rebound effects,' where trying to suppress a thought causes it to return more intensely than before. This means that when people attempt to 'move on' or suppress their feelings too quickly, those emotions can resurface stronger and more persistently. Interestingly, researchers also found 'immediate enhancement effects,' when someone experiences cognitive overload, where suppression increases the focus on the thought right away. This can manifest as you dismissing your feelings or pushing them aside to align with oversimplified advice. While seeking clarity is natural, it's essential to process emotions authentically rather than suppress them. Your emotional experience is unique to you, and one-liners serve as mere band-aids on deeper wounds without addressing what they bring up for you. Humans are complex; so are relationships. For instance, what looks like 'mixed signals' may be someone struggling with their own emotional capacity, trauma history or fear of intimacy. What feels like confusion on your part may be a sign that something in the situation isn't aligning with your emotional needs and that's worth exploring, not ignoring. When people are encouraged to jump to conclusions or 'cut people off' without processing their feelings, it often delays healing and lowers empathy. It also creates a cycle of repeated patterns because the deeper emotional work is left untouched. In reality, rushing the process or adopting someone else's rules often gets in the way of the clarity and emotional resilience you seek. You may have noticed that a lot of dating advice online can leave you feeling more anxious than reassured, and this may be intentional, to keep you hooked and coming back for more. The advisor creates a problem for you to think about, while establishing themselves as the one that can solve it for you. Phrases like 'Test them,' 'Don't trust too quickly' or 'Assume they're seeing others' also encourage a mindset of emotional defense rather than emotional connection as you enter relationships. This kind of advice wires your nervous system to expect a threat instead of a connection. It keeps you hypervigilant, always on guard for signs you might be hurt or rejected. While it might feel like you're protecting yourself, you may be reinforcing cycles of mistrust, anxiety and emotional distance instead. Over time, this constant state of alertness makes it harder to feel safe with someone, even when they are safe to be around. It chips away at your ability to build intimacy because you're too busy scanning for what could go wrong. Instead of tuning into your experience with someone, you're likely caught up in your head, overanalyzing every message, delayed reply or tone of voice. This pushes you into performative behavior and away from authentic relating. Feeling safe in love doesn't come from testing others. Genuine connection is built on calm, curiosity and shared emotional safety. If you're always playing defense, you never get to fully show up and experience the win. Navigating the dating world can be overwhelming with all the outside noise from well-wishers or self-proclaimed experts. That's why it's important to approach dating advice with mindfulness and discernment. Here's how to consume dating advice in a way that truly supports you: Do you bring your authentic self to relationships or keep it hidden out of fear? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale
The Independent
21-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Independent
Barack Obama on the unique qualities to look for in a partner
In a recent episode of Michelle Obama's podcast, Barack Obama's dating advice was revealed by Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky. Obama advised Chesky that finding a partner isn't about checking off boxes on a list, but rather about connecting with a real person. He emphasized that unique qualities, like a "weird laugh or snort," are what truly make a person special. This advice comes after Michelle Obama addressed divorce rumors fueled by her absence at certain events. She clarified that her decisions were personal choices and not indicative of marital problems.
