3 Mistakes To Avoid Before A First Date, By A Psychologist

Forbes

5 hours ago

It's easy to stress over first impressions, but the biggest blocks to genuine connection are ... More internal. Here are three mistakes to avoid before a first date.
First dates often come with a mix of feelings, varying from excitement to nervousness. Many people struggle with the internal pressure to ensure everything goes perfectly. However, in the desire for things to go as planned, you may place unnecessary weight on how the date should unfold.
This can unintentionally set you up for stress, constant overanalysis or even disappointment.
How your first date will go tends to depend more on your internal state than all the external effort you put into it.
The way you show up is usually shaped by what you expect, believe or fear going in. The mindset with which you walk into a first date matters more than you think.
Contrary to what many people may believe, first dates do not have to be perfect. It is important to remember that the first date is simply an opportunity to see if there's a genuine connection.
What truly helps is showing up with presence and a willingness to stay grounded in your truth. This will help you evaluate the situation better, as well as the person in front of you, a little more objectively.
With that in mind, here are three mistakes to avoid before the first date and how avoiding them can make all the difference.
1. Going In With Preconceived Assumptions
When you show up to a date with a fixed narrative or a preconceived notion, say, by imagining that your date is 'the one' or assuming how they'll behave, you're only interacting with your idea of them, and you might inadvertently shut off the possibility of getting to know them for who they are.
In a 2021 study published in Current Psychology, researchers looked at how people form expectations about someone before meeting them, especially through information gathered online, for instance, their social media or their dating profile.
The researchers wanted to know if these expectations affect how you feel about someone after you meet them. They studied the interactions of 71 pairs of people and collected their expectations before they interacted.
Then, the pairs had a structured self-disclosure conversation over Skype (video chat), simulating a first meeting or first date.
Researchers found that pre-interaction expectations did influence how people felt during and after the interaction. If someone expected to like the other person, they did end up liking them more. If expectations were low, their reactions often stayed aligned with that stance.
Even seeing someone's face before talking to them didn't change the impact of the pre-formed impression. What they thought beforehand shaped how they interpreted everything.
Interestingly, researchers also found that participants underestimated how much they were liked by the other person.
This reflects a common psychological bias called the 'liking gap,' which means you may often assume you're less liked than you are, especially in new interactions. This can trigger unnecessary self-doubt or make you 'give up' on a connection prematurely.
This research highlights how you need to try meeting someone with a clean slate. Let go of the mental scripts or expectations created from their Instagram highlights or clever texts.
Let curiosity be your guide rather than the assumptions you have formed. This openness will allow you to truly see the person and be seen in return.
2. Rushing Into Quick Intimacy
It's natural to want to build a connection quickly on a first date.
While vulnerability creates closeness, it is important to remember that oversharing too soon can create emotional whiplash. There's a difference between being open and emotionally dumping in the name of bonding.
This is often a result of accelerated intimacy, where people reveal highly personal information too early, often in an attempt to fast-track emotional closeness.
Even though it may feel like bonding in the moment, it can very easily overwhelm the other person or create a false sense of depth that may not be grounded in trust.
Self-disclosure, however, works best when it's balanced. This is backed by research.
A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology looked at how reciprocity in self-disclosure (i.e., taking turns opening up) affects how much people like each other, especially when they're meeting for the first time.
The researchers brought together strangers (who had never met before) and put them into pairs. These pairs participated in structured conversations involving personal questions.
There were two main groups. First was the reciprocal disclosure group, where both people took turns asking and answering personal questions. The second group was the non-reciprocal disclosure group, where one person did most of the sharing, while the other mainly listened. Then, in a second round, they switched roles.
Researchers found that people in the reciprocal group felt more liking, closeness and similarity after the first interaction.
Even when the non-reciprocal pairs switched roles later, they still didn't feel as connected as those who had taken turns sharing from the beginning. So, it wasn't just about both people sharing eventually; rather, it was about the way sharing was structured right from the start.
This research highlights that balanced and mutual self-disclosure creates deeper connection, especially in early interactions. If one person talks a lot about themselves without allowing space for the other to share, the connection may feel one-sided or overwhelming.
This is a reminder that instead of trying to impress with depth, you must aim to connect with presence.
Let the conversation flow naturally by being present and letting trust build gradually, even in the silences.
3. Making The Outcome Too Important
You might have many hopes tied to a first date, especially if you've been looking forward to it or feel emotionally invested in the other person. This can make the outcome seem too important, which leads to the date feeling more like an audition and less like a conversation.
If your self-worth gets entangled with how the date goes, you might end up overperforming, overanalyzing or freezing up entirely. This may stop you from being fully present. You may instead start monitoring yourself and the other person for signs of success or failure.
This can create unnecessary pressure. A 2024 study published in Development and Psychopathology explored how the fear of being evaluated, both negatively (being judged or rejected) and positively (being noticed or praised), affects social anxiety and emotional regulation in adolescents.
Traditionally, psychologists have focused on the fear of negative evaluation (FNE), but this study highlights a newer concept, which is the 'fear of positive evaluation' (FPE). This is the discomfort or anxiety people feel even when they receive compliments or positive attention because it can raise expectations or make them feel exposed.
The study followed 684 adolescents over six months and looked at how these fears interacted with acceptance (being okay with how you feel), suppression (trying to hide or block emotions) and rumination (overthinking or dwelling on things).
People who struggled to accept their emotions were more likely to develop a fear of positive evaluation (FPE), where even praise made them anxious. Those who suppressed emotions (hid how they felt) were more prone to social anxiety.
Social anxiety led to more rumination, meaning they kept overanalyzing their interactions, often long after they were over.
This study reveals that the fear of being evaluated, whether positively or negatively, can trigger anxiety, emotional suppression and overthinking, especially in high-stakes social situations like a first date.
In short, when you try too hard to be liked, it can actually make it harder for you to connect. This is because it disconnects you from your emotional ease and authenticity. Remember to show up to connect, not to perform. This way you'll create space for something real to unfold.
Showing Up Authentically
A first date is merely an opportunity to meet both the other person and yourself in a new context. The goal here isn't to perform perfectly or win someone over.
It is much better to go in with the intention to show up fully as you are and allow the interaction to unfold in its natural rhythm, rather than forcing it to match what you expected or imagined it should be.
When you think of showing up authentically, it is important to remember that it is more about being present enough to respond and not react, and being self-aware enough to notice when you're trying to be liked instead of being real.
Your most magnetic quality is your comfort with yourself. When you're at ease, open and not tangled in outcomes, the conversation will flow and it will be easier for you to discern if there's alignment.
So, try to take the pressure off and remember that you don't need to 'be' anything; you just need to come as you are and give the other person the space to show up as their authentic selves too.
Are you showing up authentically in your relationships? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale