Latest news with #masturbation
Daily Mail
5 days ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
Jana Kramer DEFENDS husband Allan Russell over polarizing masturbating remarks
Jana Kramer defended her husband Allan Russell against backlash over his comments about masturbating since becoming a married man. After revealing he no longer saw a point in pleasuring himself since they tied the knot last July, the English soccer coach, 44, was widely criticized for sharing such a NSFW confession about his sex life. Weeks after her spouse made the revelation on her Whine Down podcast, the One Tree Hill star, 41, reminded listeners he made the confession on her episode about sex. 'It was a sex episode with a doctor who specializes in intimacy, in sexual relationships,' the mother-of-three stressed. 'It's not like he just randomly was like, "I don't masturbate." We were having a conversation.' She continued: 'Everyone just sees the headline but doesn't really know where it came from or the story behind it.' Kramer explained the topic of conversation came up when she 'asked how many couples would be upset if their partner masturbated.' Although Russell insisted he is more than satisfied with their 'healthy' sex life, Kramer stated she would not be upset if he masturbated. 'I don't like porn because it triggers from the past,' she said. 'I don't hate that he doesn't [masturbate] but I wouldn't be mad at him [if he did.]' As for whether Russell was bothered by all the headlines about his masturbating habits, the best-selling author revealed her man 'was so lovely about it.' 'He goes, "To be honest, it could have read Jana Kramer's husband can't stop masturbating. I see it as respectful, honoring my wife." I was like, "I love your answer to that." He did not care for a second and took it as a, "I'm a man who honors his wife,'" she gushed. On the Wednesday, July 9, episode of Kramer's Whine Down podcast, Russell said 'there's no point where' he's 'actually' felt like masturbating since their wedding. 'There's a part of me [that] is like, I know it's going to come, so I'm not going to ruin it by doing what I need to do selfishly for myself to then diminish or ruin the thing that we have together,' he explained. He continued: 'Therefore I just don't feel like doing it because I would rather have her than go into the bathroom or whatever it is and masturbate.' Prior to their relationship, he admitted that he would 'masturbate a lot' when he was single and felt like it. This was not the first time Kramer's husband has said something headline-worthy on the podcast as back in December he engaged in a candid discussion about her acting career on Whine Down. During the show, the actress and her beau chatted about recent Yellowstone sex scenes, prompting the former soccer star to share his unfiltered opinion about why he won't accept his wife being intimate onscreen. 'I was just like, "There's not part of me that will ever, ever, ever allow that, ever, for a man to be that close to you like that,"' Allan said about his wife potentially filming raunchy scenes. Kramer, who shares one-year-old son Roman with the retired athlete, asked if he'd change his mind if she were cast on a huge series like Yellowstone. He answered, 'I'll be, like, phoning the producers and threatening the producers — "You need to change that scene. For the good of your health, you need to change this scene." 'That's not good for a marriage, that type of role, it's not, especially [for] a man who's not in the acting world. It's difficult. So, therefore, that's my opinion based on [the fact that] I'm not in that world.' To drive his point home, the Scottish athlete said to his wife: 'Can you imagine that we're both actors in a situation where I've stripped this woman naked and I start to go down on her. How would you like that, babe?' The One Tree Hill star weighed in about acting out physical scenes: 'It's literally the most uncomfortable thing ever.' She also noted that love scenes are typically filmed with only the actors and sound techs on set. 'It's so uncomfortable for the people that are doing it. And it's not a sexy thing,' the seasoned performer shared. The television star explained that she doesn't prefer those kinds of scenes, but understands they come with the territory.
The Sun
06-07-2025
- Health
- The Sun
I'm convinced my daily masturbation has given me a bad back and knees & I'm terrified my wife will find out
DEAR DEIDRE: I SUFFER with painful knees and back pain – and I think it is because I pleasure myself too much. I am a 42-year-old man. My wife is 39 and we have been married for almost 18 years. My wife moved back to India three years ago with our two children, and I made the difficult decision to stay in the UK and work as a delivery driver. I send as much money to my wife as I can. It means I cannot afford to visit home very often and I feel lonely. To relieve sexual tension, I pleasure myself at least once a day. I am worried my wife will know the reason for the pain is because I masturbate. As much as I enjoy it, I can't help feeling guilty. And I worry what my wife will say when I next see her. I never mention the pain to her when we talk on the phone or FaceTime. I just pretend everything is OK. DEIDRE SAYS: Don't feel guilty. It's normal to masturbate regularly. Many people feel uncomfortable about self-pleasure because of conservative childhoods or cultural differences. You won't cause any harm to your body. Masturbating can actually help to prevent prostate problems and alleviate stress. The pains are likely to be as a result of your sedentary job or the way you sit. Do talk to your GP, rather than struggle on alone. My support pack, Worried About Masturbation? will reassure you. Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating Devastated he's not my real dad DEAR DEIDRE: FINDING out that the man I called Dad is, in fact, my stepdad came as a huge shock to me. I only discovered the truth when I had to get a passport. I'm an 18-year-old woman, I have a younger sister and an older brother. Never did I think that my summer holiday plans would lead to this life-changing revelation. When my best friend and her parents invited me to their holiday home in France later this year, I realised I'd need a passport for the first time. When I asked Dad for my birth certificate, he went quiet then told me he needed to tell me something. Taking a deep breath, he explained how he had split up with Mum when my brother was two years old. During their time apart, my mum started seeing someone else. She became pregnant but the man she was with insisted she had a termination. Mum refused and they split up. I was born a few months later and she ended up getting back with Dad. They went on to have my sister a few years later. My siblings don't look like me but I had never really thought about it. Dad told me that he has brought me up as his own and treated me the same as my siblings, which is true. But I am so upset about it all. I've always been so close to my dad. I keep bursting into tears and can't focus on anything. I don't even want to go on holiday now. I just can't think straight. DEIDRE SAYS: You have had a big shock that has turned your life upside down. But please be assured, the man you call Dad is your dad in every way that matters. That is not going to change. You need to talk to your mum and dad about how finding out about this is making you feel. Secrets in families can be very damaging and it is a shame that you had to find out about it this way. It sounds as if your parents were trying to protect you. But we know it's best for children to learn about complex family dynamics in an age-appropriate way when they are still young. Your dad chose to make you his child. He has loved and cared for you and looked after you too. You can all find support at PAC-UK, which helps with the similar issue of adoption (0300 1800 090, And stick to your holiday plans with your friend because you will come to terms with this news in time. MY AGE-GAP LIE COULD FINISH US DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my girlfriend told me she was 33, I lied to her and told her I was 32. I'm actually 23. She has no idea that I am much younger than her – she doesn't suspect a thing. We met in a pub on a night out and I found her very easy to talk to. Now we have been together for almost six months, have been on lots of dates, and have spent several weekends with each other. As we are getting on so well, we have been talking about the future and have discussed marriage and children – the lot. I am starting to feel guilty and worried about how she might react if I tell her the truth about my age. I know I can't keep it a secret from her for ever. She wants to meet my family, which is a concern, and I worry that my parents won't approve of her because she is older. Should I tell her the truth? Will the age gap be a problem for us? DEIDRE SAYS: You've got to tell her but I can imagine how hard it will be to admit you weren't truthful. Tell her you love her and explain why you lied in the first place. If your love is strong enough, your age should not be a big problem. It's the deceit and lying you have to explain. My support pack, Age Gaps – Do They Matter? might be useful. Your parents should accept your relationship if you're confident and serious about each other. SHE BEAT ME UP BUT NOW WANTS US TO TRY AGAIN DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend has left me with so many cuts and bruises that I look like I've been in a boxing match. I am 25 and my girlfriend is 22. We had been together for almost a year until she accused me of cheating and ended our relationship. I was gutted because it simply isn't true. We managed to sort things out and got back together again. Everything seemed to be going well until we went to her house and she realised she'd left a bag of clothes at my flat. She wanted me to go back to fetch them but I refused. She went crazy and started punching and scratching my face and neck. I left in a daze and thought that our relationship was over again but she texted me a couple of hours later telling me how sorry she was and admitting she was out of control. She asked me if we could get back together. I was surprised to hear from her so quickly because I was in shock at how violent she had been towards me and I told her I needed time. I also told her that my face was a complete mess. I do love her but I know deep down that the way she is treating me is not OK. I really don't know what to do. DEIDRE SAYS: Your health and wellbeing should never be at risk in any relationship. Your girlfriend sounds unpredictable and violent. She caused you bodily harm and is being abusive towards you. Please don't stay with this woman a minute longer. Abuse is usually repeated and tends to get worse. You deserve to be with someone who will love and respect you, not treat you so badly and hurt you like this. For confidential support, contact ManKind Initiative, which supports men who have experienced domestic abuse (0808 800 1170,
Yahoo
17-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Most people think of their ex when pleasuring themselves, study reveals — here's what it means
They're getting it on while thinking of the past. Despite how your last relationship ended, if you think of your ex when pleasuring yourself, there's no shame in doing so — and you're not alone. 76% of men and 59% of women think of an ex when masturbating, according to a new survey from Ohdoki, the pleasure tech company that makes The Handy male sex toy. And before you fret, doctor and certified sex therapist Kristie Overstreet told the Everygirl that fantasizing about a past lover could mean a variety of things. If you're single and reminiscing about your past lover while showing yourself some lovin' — it 'could be a healthy way to look back on what was good in the relationship.' If you're in a relationship and still thinking about that specific person while masturbating — Overstreet told the outlet that people should look at it as a positive thing, as it could be 'a way to use the past relationship to help enhance the current relationship.' And oftentimes thinking of the sexual experiences you once had with a person that are now forbidden is a major turn-on for some when masturbating, according to Pamela Stephenson Connolly, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist. And not everyone pleasuring themselves is thinking of a past fling — some are just preferring it over sex. When Charlotte thought she was 'addicted' to her rabbit vibrator in that famous 'Sex and the City' episode — she was onto something. The Ohdoki survey also revealed that 29% of people prefer solo pleasure to the real thing, including almost one in three men (31%) and just over a quarter of women (26%). A Swedish study even revealed that on average, women pleasure themselves nine times across a 30-day period — which equals about twice per week. Do the math, and that leaves little time for hanky panky with a partner. 'Some people may find masturbation more enjoyable than sex because they can find their own sweet spot — they know what they like and what they don't like,' said Gemma Nice, a sex and relationship coach. 'When you are masturbating, you can control the rhythm, the pace and the pressure. That level of precision allows people to tune into exactly what they want and reach orgasms that are incredibly intense.' While self-pleasure is healthy and normal — Nice explained, 'If you rely too heavily on masturbation for satisfaction, it can affect the quality of partnered sex.' 'You may become so used to your own technique that a partner's touch feels less fulfilling. Masturbation shouldn't be a replacement for connection. If that's happening, it's a sign that more open communication is needed, outside the bedroom, too,' she added.
News.com.au
12-06-2025
- Lifestyle
- News.com.au
13 best male masturbators & toys for Aussie men in 2025
These products are hand-picked by our team to help make shopping easier. We may receive payments from third parties for sharing this content and when you purchase through links in this article. Product prices and offer details are not assured, and should be confirmed independently with the retailer. Learn more Here's a PSA for all the straight men out there – you're missing out on some of the best solo sex of your lives. That's because this category is yet to catch up with everyone else when it comes to people using gadgets to give themselves pleasure. We're talking about male sex toys, of course, and it doesn't have to be taboo. 'Research shows around 60 per cent of people of all genders and sexualities are using sex toys, except straight men, where there is only around 25 per cent,' sex and intimacy coach Jack Martin told checkout. Male masturbators should be embraced as they can bring an entirely different and exciting experience to sexual exploration. And the good news is there's a huge range to choose from, from simple sleeves and strokers to more hi-tech options, as well as cock rings and anal toys like prostate massagers and butt plugs. Our top pick is the Fleshlight Flight Pilot Male Masturbator, which five-star reviewers say feels 'just like the real thing' and gives you 'intense stimulations'. BEST SLEEVES AND STROKERS Fleshlight Flight Pilot Male Masturbator, $84.95 at Lovehoney Fleshlight Flight Pilot Male Masturbator Picture: Lovehoney $84.95 at Lovehoney What You Need To Know A stroker should be found in any guy's bedside drawer, and it's hard to go past the this essential male sex toy. Using a Fleshlight is straightforward – it's designed to stimulate the penis via various ridges and textures in the extremely flexible interior that really ups the feel-good factor. This model is more streamlined than the original, and prides itself on its 'stealth opening' for a tighter fit. You can also control the level of suction intensity simply by adjusting the screw-cap base. With more than 800 reviews on Lovehoney, this newer model is definitely one of the best sex toys on the market for guys looking for some superior self-pleasure. 'The inner shape and texture will literally give you some of the best orgasms,' says one thrilled reviewer. 'As close to the real thing as you can get!' While it's not the cheapest on offer, there's plenty to justify the investment. 'If you're new to Fleshlight this is the ideal toy for you,' advises another user. What You Need To Know While it can sometimes be hard to distinguish one sleeve from another, what sets this one apart is that it's almost impossible to find a bad review of it! Which is not altogether surprising considering that it's from the brand created by renowned sex expert Tracey Cox. There's a plethora of internal textures, ribbing and nodules on the interior, which tapers to squeeze tighter the more you plunge into it, making it the gold-medal standard in sleeves that has earned many raves on Lovehoney. 'It was tough not to explode within minutes,' says one user. 'If you want an ejaculation with twice the power … this is the toy for you,' adds another. As well as making solo fun something really mind-blowing, plenty of users also remarked that it's great to use in partner play as well. 'The [other half] loved watching me burst with excitement,' says one happy customer. What You Need To Know Vaginal masturbators give the standard male stroker toy an added visual dimension replicating heterosexual penetrative sex, which plenty of men really enjoy. The creators at Thrust have made sure to give this stroking toy plenty of textures inside it to provide maximum stimulation, as well as ridges on the outside to enable a strong and controlling grip. The material used also feels great to the touch. One handy design element is space for you to insert a bullet vibrator to make the experience even more intense. There are plenty of thrilled comments to be found on more than 500 reviews of the product, with the word 'explosive' – in terms of orgasm – mentioned many, many times. Other users remarked on how great it felt – both inside and out – and the purposefully snug opening was also a selling point. 'Right from the start, I got the intense stimulation that you get because it's 'super tight',' says one user. 'And it has all those amazing projections inside that work like magic.' Doc Johnson The Tube 5.4" Ultraskin Stroker What You Need To Know When it comes to starting out your sex toy journey, 'Begin with simple, non-intimidating toys like a basic vibrator or a masturbatory sleeve,' advises Martin. 'As comfort grows, you can gradually explore more advanced options.' And while this item from Doc Johnson may not look too exotic or exciting, don't be fooled. This tube has enough ridges on the inside to give you plenty of stimulation, and it comes at a price point that makes it a great first step into the world of sleeves and strokers. It's also a snap to use, just add some water-based lubricant and off you go. Picture: Wild Secrets $37.99 at Wild Secrets What You Need To Know This open sleeve stroker is another great introduction to elevating your solo play, and allows users to change the level of tightness by adjusting the squeeze. The product features a textured interior with ridges at one end for optimal enjoyment, and pleasure nodules at the other for increased stimulation, which reviewers say make for a 'phenomenal' experience. 'A huge upgrade from using my hand,' raved one shopper. 'Unlike many other male toys, clean-up is simple which makes this a winner for me. Definitely recommend.' Picture: Lovehoney $129.95 at Lovehoney What You Need To Know If you want to take your stroker toy to the next level, getting one that both vibrates and can be warmed is a decision you won't regret. This particular stroker is designed to offer authentic oral sex simulation for the user, and you can control the experience on many levels. Six vibration patterns provide users with plenty of options to play around with, each offering three different intensity levels. It may look shorter than other masturbators, but that's a deliberate design move to replicate the sensation of a warm mouth on the head of the penis, including rising to a very pleasurable 40°C. 'Very good feeling, just like the real thing,' enthused one user. Another fan of the warming option states, 'Tap the heater and oh wow, this thing just absolutely becomes a different beast.' What You Need To Know This deluxe hands free male masturbator is no shrinking violet – it's a powerful masturbator that replicates oral sex via 10 different vibrating modes. It's a breeze to use, just lubricate the internal textured sleeve – and yourself – and then enter the device for an experience that users rave about. 'Feels better than anything I've ever tried,' says one reviewer. 'No going back now.' 'The vibrations are insane and seriously take it to the next level,' adds another happy customer. 'Use lots of lube and go to town.' Want to go hands free? Easy! The included suction cup means you can affix it to a flat surface, like a wall, so you don't need to hold it. Another exciting added extra? Plug in your headphones for some aural thrills, care of some tantalising female vocal sounds. Toys like a vibrating butt plug or a prostate massager can increase and intensify any orgasms in solo play. 'Anal play can be a great addition to your masturbation routine,' says Martin. 'While any [gender] can enjoy anal play, those with a prostate can tap into a unique kind of pleasure. Just remember to use plenty of lube, take it slow, and focus on what feels good for you and what you're comfortable with.' This prostate massager is a cut above due to its remote which gives you plenty of control and leaves you free to work on other parts of your body as well. With more than 350 reviews on Lovehoney, there are plenty of satisfied customers for this gadget. 'The pressure on and off from the prostate is super stimulating and you are in for an incredible orgasm!' noted one. 'Would recommend to any men trying to find their p-spot!' added another. Quite a few reviewers also liked handing the remote control over to their partner as well. 'We highly recommend this product for couples looking to spice things up in the bedroom!!' says one pair. What You Need To Know Plenty of guys enjoy the feel of a butt plug while they masturbate, and there are many on the market. As the toy is being used internally, it's very important that you get one made out of a body-safe material such as silicone. You also want to ensure it has a flared base for safety. It's also vital to use plenty of lube. While many butt plugs are tapered, this one's shape borrows from that of a prostate massager so that it can really apply some pressure to that area. Many reviewers noted that this is a great option for those wanting to try out a butt plug. 'The Booty Buddy is extremely comfortable and stimulates just the right spot to deliver a really intense orgasm,' remarked one first-time user. 'It adds another dimension to sex, foreplay and masturbation.' TENGA Egg Lovers Heart Textured Male Masturbator What You Need To Know With Tenga establishing itself as the go-to for great stroker toys, this little egg is a great option to throw in your bag if you're heading out of town for a night or two and want to add some great orgasms to your itinerary. The heart shapes on the inside of the stretchy plastic (which, by the way, can extend quite substantially to accommodate various penis sizes) aren't just for show, they provide texture to stimulate. 'There's multiple layers of sensations,' one reviewer noted. 'It feels thicker yet also adds more sensation to my delicate parts.' Another thrilled user wrote: 'The super soft plastic gives a real life feel and feels amazing for solo play, it's a real treat from a standard hand job!' And while it's designed for single use (coming with a sachet of lube for that purpose), quite a few users found that when treated with care, used with adequate lubrication and kept clean, it was actually good for a few sessions. PDX Elite EZ Grip Stroker Picture: PDX $41.95 at Amazon This PDX Elite EZ Grip Stroker promises to be 'the star of the show' in the bedroom. Waterproof, non-slip and designed with a textured interior, it's suited to most penis sizes. This stroker also has a snug fit that will deliver 'satisfying suction with every thrust'. For the best results, use the PDX Elite EZ Grip Stroker in tandem with a water based lubricant. Once you're done, all you need to do is wash in warm soapy water and spray with an antibacterial toy cleaner. SHOP HERE BEST NEXT-LEVEL TOY F1S™ V3 AI-Driven Male Masturbator with Real-Feel Silicon, $284.13 (down from $369) at LELO F1S™ V3 AI-Driven Male Masturbator with Real-Feel Silicon Picture: LELO $276.75 at LELO What You Need To Know LELO's latest version of its popular F1S aims to make you see stars via its sonic waves and is one of the best hands free male masturbators on the market. It uses Artificial Intelligence to gauge what's working, drawing from your speed and skill, in order to adjust in real time to increase your pleasure even further. You can control it via Bluetooth – care of the associated app – which gives you access to extra settings and the AI function. The F1S also uses two motors working together. Its streamlined design also makes it a great option to take when travelling. To use, simply add lube, then insert your penis and you'll soon feel those sonic waves coming at you in the most pleasurable way possible. 'It is just a hair shy of the real thing but absolutely close enough to get the job done spectacularly,' enthused one user. 'I couldn't stop using it when I first got it, I had to wean myself off it,' another keen reviewer explains. SHOP HERE BEST FOR PARTNERED PLAY Lovehoney Ignite 20 Function Vibrating Love Ring, $49.95 at Lovehoney Lovehoney Ignite 20 Function Vibrating Love Ring Picture: Lovehoney $49.95 at Lovehoney What You Need To Know Plenty of the toys here can be used for couple play as well as solo, and this little beauty was great on that front, proving that size definitely doesn't matter! For the uninitiated, vibrating cock rings restrict the flow of blood to the penis, and can be used to create longer lasting erections (NOTE: medical advice recommends not using cock rings for longer than 30 minutes), and can provide intense orgasms. Add some vibrations to the mix and you've got quite the handy go-to for some extra sensations. 'I like this unit because it pleasures both the penis and scrotum at the same time,' explained one reviewer. This also gives it plenty of oomph for use with a partner. 'My man lasted longer than usual, and I could feel the vibrations when he was inside me, huge pleasure,' said one pleased female reviewer, adding, 'It's ideal for first-time users.' 'The pleasure for both of us was phenomenal!' wrote another, while yet another said, 'Great for foreplay, giving some hands-free vibration to my partner.' Rechargeable and easy to clean, this vibrating cock ring also comes in a handy pouch. SHOP HERE WHAT TO LOOK FOR WHEN BUYING A MALE MASTURBATOR Aim: There's more than one type of male sex toy, so we looked for a range that provided a variety of stimulation. Whether it's a standard sleeve or a stroker that deals with the shaft, to toys that focus on the penis head, or an anal or prostate toy. Material: The materials used for sex toys are important. For those used externally, TPE or TPR is commonly used and safe. If something is being inserted, silicone is highly advised. It's also important to check the waterproof level of any toys before using them in the bath or shower. Recommendations: The toys here have all been recommended by those who have used the products, courtesy of sites such as Lovehoney and Wild Secrets. Price and usage: As well as having different functions, male sex toys can often be designed for different uses. Some are created for single or limited use only, while others are made for long-term enjoyment. Some are smaller and able to be taken travelling while others will take up decent room by the bedside and aren't as portable. Price is also a factor – we made sure to survey a range to show that budget shouldn't be an issue. HOW WE CHOOSE PRODUCTS To help you find the best sex toy for your needs and budget, our team of experienced writers spent hours researching products, reading customer reviews and evaluating ratings from product review sites to find the top products. We also spoke with sex and intimacy coach Jack Martin for his recommendations on the best approach to take with men's sex toys. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS How do I know which sex toy to buy? With so many sex toys for men available, ask yourself what you're looking for and go from there. 'There's a growing number of sex toys available for men, both for the purposes of solo and partnered experience,' explains Moulay. 'Knowing the one that's right for you depends on your situation and preferences. For example, increasing or enabling stimulation or exploring different parts of the body.' Hygiene and safety should also be on your checklist. 'It's important that the sex toys used meet quality manufacturing standards for safe use.' Isn't it a bit embarrassing to buy a sex toy? Some men may feel hesitant to purchase a masturbation toy, but there's no reason to be. As mentioned earlier, many others are doing just that, so why not join them? 'We might feel challenged about societal values, attitudes, norms and expectations,' says Moulay. 'What's important is that pleasure is ours to experience at an individual level and [potentially] with our partner.' With so many online retailers, it's never been easier to bring a sex toy into your life. 'Remind yourself that these tools are simply another way to explore and enjoy your sexuality,' adds Martin. What's the best way to think about sex toys? Male masturbators should be embraced as they can bring an entirely different and exciting experience to sexual exploration. 'Think of it as expanding your toolkit,' Martin explains. 'While hands are great, toys offer different sensations that can't always be achieved with just manual touch. They're not here to replace what you've got but to give you more options.' What are some of the other benefits of male sex toys? Toys can also help to tackle issues such as premature ejaculation or erectile concerns, by helping men learn to control their responses to stimulation or find new ways to do so. So there's little excuse to not have a masturbator in your repertoire. 'It shows that you're comfortable making choices that enhance your sexual wellbeing in a way that suits your individual preferences,' explains Martin. How can sex toys elevate your relationship? Sex toys can change the dynamic during couples play too. '[Partners can use them for] exploring and educating themselves and each other around pleasure, comfort and also values and attitudes,' adds Alain Moulay, a sexologist and relationship counsellor. More Coverage 'Best thing ever': Chappell Roan's fave sex toy 'Intense': World's first showerhead sex toy 'Opening up the conversation in a respectful, non-judgemental way, and with lightness, is a great way to engage and bring some excitement and closeness to the relationship.' To stay up to date on all the best online shopping sales and events, sign up to our free checkout newsletter.
Washington Post
03-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Washington Post
A writer gave up sex for a year and discovered pleasure
I expected this review to write itself in a headlong rush, the way I read 'The Dry Season: A Memoir of Pleasure in a Year Without Sex.' But like abstinence, the lessons of Melissa Febos's latest book require a bit of forbearance to bear fruit. A serial dater since she was 15 years old, Febos recounts her decision to shake loose from the lovers whose desires had dominated her thoughts and directed her habits. How might it change us to live as we're 'meant to, yielding at every moment to the perfect freedom of single necessity,' as Annie Dillard wrote? Aiming to find out, Febos embarked on a grand experiment: not to seduce, or be seduced, but instead remain replete by embracing masturbation as a form of self-nourishment. Researching medieval nunneries as well as the beguines, lay sisterhoods that chose God and chastity over marriage and children, Febos discovered tremendous sensuality and 'a harbor for ambition.' She became fixated on the German abbess Hildegard von Bingen, a composer and philosopher believed to have written the first known description of a woman's orgasm: 'that vehement heat descending from her brain.' Having chased not just the pleasure but also the power of such fervor since she was pubescent, Febos made an inventory of past lovers to identify the recurrent habits that led to her discontent. She discovered that she was the architect of her own unhappiness and that of many exes. Bad at breaking up with people, Febos preferred to linger 'for months and months after I knew I wanted to leave,' an outcome she created by straying: 'I never stayed past the first kiss—I don't have the constitution for a protracted affair—but also rarely had the guts or gumption to end my relationships without the imperative of infidelity.' Febos's great power as a writer is pairing structural rigor with emotional disclosure. An award-winning memoirist and Guggenheim fellow whose prior books include 'Girlhood,' 'Body Work' and 'Abandon Me,' she has a way of turning her gaze both inward and outward. In 'The Dry Season,' Febos plumbs the restless depths of her own seeking by entwining her compulsive self-discovery with curiosity about a wide range of writers. From nuns to poets to philosophers, her references form a canon, which she has called a squad: Audre Lorde, Virginia Woolf, Sappho, Octavia E. Butler, Sara Ahmed, the Combahee River Collective, Hadewijch, Adrienne Rich, Simone Weil, Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz, May Sarton, and the list goes on. 'My attempt to replace dependence with independence and interdependence, to share my questions and answers with the women who came before and after me, was the radical basis of all feminisms,' Febos writes. 'It was the basis of all freedoms. It was my inheritance.' While Febos had broken free of the addictions that characterized the dominatrix life she described in her debut memoir, 'Whip Smart,' her therapist still referred to her as a 'user.' Lovers were her fix. With the time she has spent cataloguing her romantic interests, she worries she 'could have become a real activist instead of someone who only wrote about the things she'd like to change.' However, prying apart the fractals of internalized oppression that keep us in endlessly repeating loops can be a service to society. Febos had age-old patterns to break even before she entered what she calls 'the Maelstrom,' a destructive relationship she exhumed and dissected for 'Abandon Me.' She realized she had desiccated her spirit in service of ephemeral satiation; she had wanted to seduce people, but not just sexually. 'What I wanted from them,' she writes, 'was ultimately more subtle than that: to secure their focus, to make them like me.' Though not as overtly religious as the nuns she venerates, Febos deploys earnest confessions to reach for what is holy: 'Aversion to embarrassment makes it incredibly hard to be vulnerable, and avoidance of vulnerability robs us of true connection with other people, the deep comforts of being known and receiving love.' Tired of squandering her energy on the male gaze, Febos evolved by cultivating desire for and from a multitude of genders before engaging sensual surety from within. 'If my ceaseless entanglements were a result of the ways that I related to other people, then the goal of my celibacy was to relate to myself,' she writes. By reclaiming her focus, she replenished her erotic sense of selfhood, what Lorde called 'an assertion of the lifeforce of women.' The result? In celibacy, Febos was awash with arousal. Backing away from 'empty consent' with Lorde as her guide star, Febos writes, 'I wanted to move into sunlight against another body only when it could embody the same erotic truth that writing did, that my aloneness had.' By centering herself, Febos divined a path toward the woman who would become her wife, the acclaimed poet Donika Kelly, to whom 'The Dry Season' is dedicated. Across five books, Febos has venerated literary ancestors while scrutinizing her own choices. Some might deride attention to personal experience and sexual pleasure while our democracy disintegrates around us, but sex and love are energies that turn us toward each other in an era whose ravages are designed to create lasting isolation. As Adrienne Maree Brown wrote in 'Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good,' 'Liberated relationships are one of the ways we actually create abundant justice, the understanding that there is enough attention, care, resource, and connection for all of us to access belonging, to be in our dignity, and to be safe in community.' Kristen Millares Young is the author of the award-winning novel 'Subduction' and 'Desire Lines — Essays,' forthcoming from Red Hen Press on Oct. 6. A Memoir of Pleasure in a Year Without Sex By Melissa Febos Knopf. 288 pp. $29
