I'm a good-looking woman but my husband's lack of interest in sex makes me want to stray
DIRTY dancing, heavy snogging, outrageous flirting – I've done everything except actually cheat on my husband.
He's the love of my life, but I'm struggling not to stray.
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When I go out with friends, they're always pointing out men staring at me. I can get drinks bought for us all evening.
By the time I get home, I'm on a high, feeling gorgeous . . . then my husband just grunts at me.
Last weekend, I ended up in a late bar and started dancing very raunchily with a younger man. It took all my control to turn him down for a nightcap.
I'm a good-looking woman and take care of my appearance, but lately my husband doesn't even seem to notice.
He'd rather watch football on TV than look at me.
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I'm 46, he's 50. We've been married for 25 years and have a grown-up daughter.
People often mistake me for her older sister because I've spent so much time maintaining my looks.
I wear matching lingerie, our bedsheets are satin and I'm the same size as the day I met my hubby.
Yet there's no action. But when we were first dating, he couldn't keep his hands off me and would often take me out for 'country drives' that ended up with us having fun in a lay-by.
In confident moments, I assume he's stressed with work — he runs his own business — or tired. But he'll happily stay up late watching the telly.
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Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex
I can walk past him naked and he won't take his eyes off the screen. In my less-confident moments, I wonder if he's fallen out of love with me.
I've tried talking to him, but he just laughs it off.
A fling might be the wake-up call he needs to appreciate me
DEIDRE SAYS:
An affair could easily call time on your marriage. The problem isn't your desirability – your husband married you because he found you attractive.
The issue is something's changed for him and he hasn't told you what.
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Encourage him to open up. Have a chat outside the bedroom and tell him how much you miss feeling connected and intimate. Ask him to share anything that's worrying him.
A common reason men avoid sex is they're concerned they can't 'perform'. Lifestyle issues such as stress, depression, alcohol and smoking can affect their ability to get an erection.
If that's the case, urge him to go to his GP. There are medications that can help, and erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of serious health problems, so he'll need a check-up.
Please also read my support pack, Reviving A Man's Sex Drive.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to
You can also send a private message on the
MY DISTANT TWIN PLANS TO CASH IN
DEAR DEIDRE:
FOR more than a decade, my twin brother completely cut himself off from our mum, saying she was a controlling narcissist.
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Now she's died and he wants a share of the inheritance.
I'm the sole executor and beneficiary of Mum's will. Her estate is valued at around £250k, which is obviously going to be a life-changing sum for me.
Her inheritance would have been shared equally between my brother and I, but he fell out with Mum 12 years ago and hadn't seen her since.
At the time, she warned him that she'd cut him off.
He said that was fine by him and she did, and updated her will to leave everything to me.
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Dad died many years ago, so I've looked after Mum by myself.
I lived with her and supported her for five tough years while she was suffering with the cancer that finally claimed her life. After she died, I sorted out the funeral, the paperwork and cleared her house alone.
Now my brother is asking me for money. He says his son could use it for a deposit on a flat.
I'm reluctant to say yes because neither of them bothered with Mum when she was ill, and they wouldn't be in touch if it wasn't for the cash.
Should I follow Mum's wishes and keep the money? Or should I let my brother have a fair share?
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DEIDRE SAYS:
Dealing with grief alone is hard enough without family fall outs. I'd like you to read my support pack, Bereavement, to help you process all the emotions we go through when someone dies.
This is a very difficult position to be in. It sounds like your brother understood the risk of estranging himself, and he had 12 years to change his mind.
If you decide not to give any inheritance to your brother, he could contest your decision in court.
But if your Mum's will was professionally drafted and legally sound, it's unlikely his claim would be successful.
It's important to note that if your brother did want to challenge the will, then under the Inheritance Act 1975, he has just six months to do it from the date probate is granted.
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You're allowed to give your brother a share of your inheritance.
If you decide to uphold your Mum's wishes, you could give him something else instead, like jewellery, or personal belongings.
SON'S SELF-ESTEEM AT LOWEST
DEAR DEIDRE:
MY son survived a terrible motorbike accident – but he lost his right leg and now his self-esteem is rock bottom.
It was his first motorbike. He's only 21. He was riding home late one evening on a twisty country road when a deer ran out in front of him.
He swerved to avoid it – and woke up in hospital two weeks later.
His bike had hit a tree and his right leg had to be amputated.
He is back at home now, but I hate seeing him so low and insecure. How can I help him get his life back?
DEIDRE SAYS:
Sadly, victims of traumatic injuries often lose their self-confidence.
But the good news is, this is usually only temporary.
With the right help and support, they naturally regain their self-esteem and build a new, positive future for themselves.
Contact the charity Day One Trauma Support (
SEX-HELP CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE:
FOR my boyfriend to climax he has to be in control, and it's starting to mess with my confidence.
I've always had a high sex drive, so I was delighted when I met a man who is just as lusty as me. We had sex on our first date and basically haven't stopped since.
We've been a couple for six months and I'm really happy – except I can't seem to get him to orgasm.
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If he's on top, he'll climax naturally. When I'm on top, or using my hands, he can't finish. He just gets quite frustrated and switches positions so he's the one in the driving seat, or uses his own hand instead. Then he'll orgasm.
I noticed he uses his hand quite roughly. I thought at first I might be being too gentle but even when I tried using more pressure or a faster rhythm, I still couldn't get him there.
What's really messing with my confidence is that I can't even bring him to orgasm with my mouth.
I love oral sex and feel I've perfected my technique, but even that doesn't work on him. I'm starting to feel a bit inadequate.
I've chatted to him about it all, and he says he's always been this way.
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Are we incompatible, or am I a bad lover?
DEIDRE SAYS:
A bad lover would never write to me asking for advice. You are actually a sensitive, attentive lover who is worried that her skills are not satisfying her partner.
What might have happened is that he has masturbated a lot – possibly using pornography – and become used to the feeling of his own hand.
Most men masturbate with a grip that is far stronger than their partner would use.
Possibly, he has become so attuned to his own technique that he struggles to orgasm in any other way.
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An effective way to improve this situation would be to pause sex and masturbation.
Put penetration on hold for two weeks, and let his excitement build up again naturally.
Read my Sex Play Therapy support pack, as it contains exercises developed by sex therapists to help couples reconnect without sex.
DOES MY COLLEAGUE FANCY ME?
DEAR DEIDRE:
I CAN'T tell if my female colleague fancies me or just craves attention.
I recently started a new job and this colleague is a few years older than me and quite pretty.
She's engaged but regularly moans about her relationship problems. They don't sound very happy.
I often catch her staring at me at work, and she bought me an expensive gift for my birthday. She organises weekly drinks and insists I attend.
At last week's event, she was glued to my side. She even leant over and whispered that people were going to think we were an item. Does she fancy me?
DEIDRE SAYS:
Even if she does fancy you, would you want her?
This is how she behaves when she's in a committed relationship: Buying other men presents, discussing her private problems and flirting.
These things should be red flags.
I'd ignore her advances and not get drawn into discussions about her relationship. Read my support pack Finding The Love Of Your Life to help you meet someone nicer.
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The Irish Sun
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I'm a good-looking woman but my husband's lack of interest in sex makes me want to stray
DEAR DEIDRE: DIRTY dancing, heavy snogging, outrageous flirting – I've done everything except actually cheat on my husband. He's the love of my life, but I'm struggling not to stray. Advertisement When I go out with friends, they're always pointing out men staring at me. I can get drinks bought for us all evening. By the time I get home, I'm on a high, feeling gorgeous . . . then my husband just grunts at me. Last weekend, I ended up in a late bar and started dancing very raunchily with a younger man. It took all my control to turn him down for a nightcap. I'm a good-looking woman and take care of my appearance, but lately my husband doesn't even seem to notice. He'd rather watch football on TV than look at me. Advertisement I'm 46, he's 50. We've been married for 25 years and have a grown-up daughter. People often mistake me for her older sister because I've spent so much time maintaining my looks. I wear matching lingerie, our bedsheets are satin and I'm the same size as the day I met my hubby. Yet there's no action. But when we were first dating, he couldn't keep his hands off me and would often take me out for 'country drives' that ended up with us having fun in a lay-by. In confident moments, I assume he's stressed with work — he runs his own business — or tired. But he'll happily stay up late watching the telly. Advertisement Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex I can walk past him naked and he won't take his eyes off the screen. In my less-confident moments, I wonder if he's fallen out of love with me. I've tried talking to him, but he just laughs it off. A fling might be the wake-up call he needs to appreciate me DEIDRE SAYS: An affair could easily call time on your marriage. The problem isn't your desirability – your husband married you because he found you attractive. The issue is something's changed for him and he hasn't told you what. Advertisement Encourage him to open up. Have a chat outside the bedroom and tell him how much you miss feeling connected and intimate. Ask him to share anything that's worrying him. A common reason men avoid sex is they're concerned they can't 'perform'. Lifestyle issues such as stress, depression, alcohol and smoking can affect their ability to get an erection. If that's the case, urge him to go to his GP. There are medications that can help, and erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of serious health problems, so he'll need a check-up. Please also read my support pack, Reviving A Man's Sex Drive. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the MY DISTANT TWIN PLANS TO CASH IN DEAR DEIDRE: FOR more than a decade, my twin brother completely cut himself off from our mum, saying she was a controlling narcissist. Advertisement Now she's died and he wants a share of the inheritance. I'm the sole executor and beneficiary of Mum's will. Her estate is valued at around £250k, which is obviously going to be a life-changing sum for me. Her inheritance would have been shared equally between my brother and I, but he fell out with Mum 12 years ago and hadn't seen her since. At the time, she warned him that she'd cut him off. He said that was fine by him and she did, and updated her will to leave everything to me. Advertisement Dad died many years ago, so I've looked after Mum by myself. I lived with her and supported her for five tough years while she was suffering with the cancer that finally claimed her life. After she died, I sorted out the funeral, the paperwork and cleared her house alone. Now my brother is asking me for money. He says his son could use it for a deposit on a flat. I'm reluctant to say yes because neither of them bothered with Mum when she was ill, and they wouldn't be in touch if it wasn't for the cash. 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If you decide to uphold your Mum's wishes, you could give him something else instead, like jewellery, or personal belongings. SON'S SELF-ESTEEM AT LOWEST DEAR DEIDRE: MY son survived a terrible motorbike accident – but he lost his right leg and now his self-esteem is rock bottom. It was his first motorbike. He's only 21. He was riding home late one evening on a twisty country road when a deer ran out in front of him. He swerved to avoid it – and woke up in hospital two weeks later. His bike had hit a tree and his right leg had to be amputated. He is back at home now, but I hate seeing him so low and insecure. How can I help him get his life back? DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, victims of traumatic injuries often lose their self-confidence. But the good news is, this is usually only temporary. With the right help and support, they naturally regain their self-esteem and build a new, positive future for themselves. Contact the charity Day One Trauma Support ( SEX-HELP CLINIC DEAR DEIDRE: FOR my boyfriend to climax he has to be in control, and it's starting to mess with my confidence. I've always had a high sex drive, so I was delighted when I met a man who is just as lusty as me. We had sex on our first date and basically haven't stopped since. We've been a couple for six months and I'm really happy – except I can't seem to get him to orgasm. Advertisement If he's on top, he'll climax naturally. When I'm on top, or using my hands, he can't finish. He just gets quite frustrated and switches positions so he's the one in the driving seat, or uses his own hand instead. Then he'll orgasm. I noticed he uses his hand quite roughly. I thought at first I might be being too gentle but even when I tried using more pressure or a faster rhythm, I still couldn't get him there. What's really messing with my confidence is that I can't even bring him to orgasm with my mouth. I love oral sex and feel I've perfected my technique, but even that doesn't work on him. I'm starting to feel a bit inadequate. I've chatted to him about it all, and he says he's always been this way. Advertisement Are we incompatible, or am I a bad lover? DEIDRE SAYS: A bad lover would never write to me asking for advice. You are actually a sensitive, attentive lover who is worried that her skills are not satisfying her partner. What might have happened is that he has masturbated a lot – possibly using pornography – and become used to the feeling of his own hand. Most men masturbate with a grip that is far stronger than their partner would use. Possibly, he has become so attuned to his own technique that he struggles to orgasm in any other way. Advertisement An effective way to improve this situation would be to pause sex and masturbation. Put penetration on hold for two weeks, and let his excitement build up again naturally. Read my Sex Play Therapy support pack, as it contains exercises developed by sex therapists to help couples reconnect without sex. DOES MY COLLEAGUE FANCY ME? DEAR DEIDRE: I CAN'T tell if my female colleague fancies me or just craves attention. I recently started a new job and this colleague is a few years older than me and quite pretty. She's engaged but regularly moans about her relationship problems. They don't sound very happy. I often catch her staring at me at work, and she bought me an expensive gift for my birthday. She organises weekly drinks and insists I attend. At last week's event, she was glued to my side. She even leant over and whispered that people were going to think we were an item. Does she fancy me? DEIDRE SAYS: Even if she does fancy you, would you want her? This is how she behaves when she's in a committed relationship: Buying other men presents, discussing her private problems and flirting. These things should be red flags. I'd ignore her advances and not get drawn into discussions about her relationship. Read my support pack Finding The Love Of Your Life to help you meet someone nicer.
