When blood isn't thicker: 5 reasons adult children cut off their families

IOL News

15 hours ago

Research reveals around 1 in 10 parents in the world are now estranged from at least one adult child, a statistic that resonates globally, including here in South Africa.
Image: Thuanny Gantuss /pexels
Scroll through TikTok or YouTube long enough, and you'll find them: raw, often tearful storytimes from people explaining why they've gone no contact or low contact with their parents.
At first glance, it can sound shocking, even unthinkable. Aren't parents supposed to be our safest place?
Yet, behind every decision to step away lies something deeper, more painful and very real. Far from being impulsive or cruel, experts say estrangement is often the final act of self-preservation after years, sometimes decades, of trying to make it work.
Beyond the stereotype
Dr Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author of "Rules of Estrangement" (2021), says, 'Adult children rarely cut off contact without years of distress and failed attempts to repair the relationship.'
Research reveals that around 1 in 10 parents in the world are now estranged from at least one adult child, a statistic that resonates globally, including here in South Africa.
Contrary to stereotypes about 'sensitive' millennials or Gen Z, the choice often reflects courage and deep grief, not rebellion.
When love feels like harm
One of the most common and most hidden reasons for estrangement is emotional abuse and chronic invalidation. This doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it's the parent who always criticises, uses guilt as a weapon, or dismisses feelings with phrases like 'You're too sensitive".
"Psychology Today" explains these patterns erode self-esteem and make a relationship feel unsafe, even if no one outside the family sees it. And healing sometimes requires distance.
And for those unacquainted with estrangement, merely listening without judgment can serve as a powerful act of compassion.
Image: cottonbro studio /pexels
Boundaries and what happens when they're ignored
Boundaries are essential in any healthy relationship. But when a parent repeatedly breaks them, showing up uninvited, criticising your partner, or undermining how you raise your children, it's not about miscommunication. It's a pattern.
Dr Lindsay Gibson, author of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", says, 'Persistent boundary violations often force adult children to choose between constant conflict and walking away.'
Sometimes, even no contact isn't enough to stop the intrusion, which can lead to legal steps like restraining orders.
Addiction
Substance misuse is another painful driver of estrangement. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (2023), addiction can destabilise entire family systems.
For adult children, every interaction may trigger anxiety or dread, not because they don't love their parent, but because the chaos feels impossible to manage.
Therapists explain, stepping back is sometimes 'the most loving choice, for everyone involved.'
Irreconcilable values and identity-based harm
For some, the wedge isn't how a parent behaves day to day; it's who they fundamentally are, or refuse to accept. Estrangement can arise over racism, homophobia, transphobia or political extremism.
It may sound superficial to outsiders, but when a parent rejects a part of your identity, the relationship becomes unsafe. No one should be forced to shrink themselves to stay in the family.
Cutting the cycle
Parenthood often brings painful clarity. Behaviours you once tolerated, criticism, manipulation, neglect, feel unbearable when you imagine them directed at your child. Many adults decide to go low or no contact to stop toxic patterns from repeating.
Dr Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and parenting author, says, 'Breaking generational cycles sometimes means setting boundaries your parents never did.'
Protecting your own children can make the hardest choice feel non-negotiable.
What this reveals about modern family dynamics
While estrangement still carries stigma, experts agree it also reflects cultural shifts: greater awareness of mental health, clearer understanding of boundaries, and a growing refusal to accept harm, especially when it's labelled 'family.'
The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) notes that more young adults are prioritising emotional safety, even when it means difficult family decisions.
If you're considering going no or low contact, know you're not alone. It's rarely about hate; it's often about grief, love, and protecting your peace. Support groups like Stand Alone and therapy with trauma-informed professionals can help you navigate the guilt and sadness that come with stepping back.
And if you've never faced it? Listening, without judgment, is a powerful act of compassion.
Family ties can shape us, but they don't have to define us forever. Sometimes, choosing distance isn't about turning away from love; it's about finally choosing it for yourself.