People Are Sharing If Straight Men Can "Just Be Friends" With Women, And It's Looking Pretty Grim Out There

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a day ago

When model and actor Emily Ratajkowski said in an interview, "I just have zero straight men in my life, unless they're a romantic interest. In the hierarchy of needs, that's at the top of the pyramid, which is nice. [Men are] pleasure and fun, but not a part of my core," it sparked a conversation about whether straight men and women can "just be friends."
So, I asked the BuzzFeed Community if people can be platonic friends with people they could be attracted to, and these were the most compelling responses:
1."I mean, straight men and women definitely CAN be friends. Some of my favorite completely platonic friends have been straight guys. That said it can be absolutely freaking exhausting figuring out which dudes are truly your friend and which ones are just trying to get in your pants, so I understand where [Emily Ratajkowski]'s coming from."
—bitterangel233
2."The problem is that straight men rarely have the same definition of friendship that women do. It's why you can lend a guy a pencil and he'll claim you led him on."
—zoegomez101
3."I grew up mainly with girls. My class of 40 had eight boys. So being friends with females was normal. Are my female friends attractive? Absolutely! But that doesn't mean I want to sleep with them. Sometimes boundaries get crossed and things get complicated. But I think as long as intentions and boundaries are set, it's all good."
—Anonymous, 37, Los Angeles
4."It's so important for everyone to have friends of the opposite gender. Having my male friends around is so refreshing, and I think it's so important for my husband to get female perspectives in his life other than mine."
—Anonymous, 30, Ohio
5."My husband's friends are mainly women. He works in a small agency, where he and another person are the only male coworkers. He's around women all day, works well with women, and is not desiring romantic involvement with any of them. His mentors were also female. In conclusion, men can mesh with women on friendship and professional levels and have it be platonic."
—iwishiknew
6."Straight men don't see women as people, merely objects for sex, which is why they don't value friendship with them."
—vibrantarcher856
7."I admit my best friend of twenty-something years is very beautiful. In the beginning, I was attracted to her, but after getting to know her, I truly just wanted to be friends with her. To this day, we still are best friends."
—radiantvolcano108
8."I'm a straight married man who basically only chills with women. And shocker, I'm not romantically interested in any of them. Some of them I've known since my teens, and I'm in my 30s now. It's not that hard."
—blakkklansman
9."I'm only going to be friends with a straight guy if there's romantic interest. My last straight male friend tried to get into my pants, being affectionate to me, and acting like a boyfriend. I asked where we stand since he was behaving like a boyfriend. He gave me the I'm not ready for a relationship excuse and ghosted me. I ended up hurt and still hurt."
—poeticqueen964
10."My theory is that men and women can be friends so long as neither party is at all attracted to the other. If there's attraction on either side, it gets tricky."
—sm819181
11."I have a few male pals. I had to set a boundary early on, and the few male friends that I have respect that. A LOT of men do not respect the boundaries I set, and it's truthfully sooooo annoying, but I'm glad I found the few that I did."
—nastylight
12."As someone who was bullied in school, I had a few female friends who would help me through the pain and just talk about what I was going through in ways that my guy friends wouldn't understand, and just usually disappear. I am always grateful for their advice and friendship. As I've gotten older, I have come to appreciate and admire women that much more because of how well they can handle literally anything. My wife is an amazing badass and is truly my best friend. I know it's a cliché to say I get along with women better than men, but it's really not difficult to just show respect, care, and kindness and to simply be a friend."
—dukerigali
13."We could be friends if males kept their legs closed for once and saw women as actual human beings with boundaries instead of sexual objects."
—itsbrooklynct
14."As a gay man, all my close friends are women because there is no sexual attraction between us. On the other hand, I cannot have platonic relationships with men because there is always sexual tension."
—Anonymous, 42 Los Angeles
15."Every single one of my close friends since junior high has been a woman. I always clicked with them more than my male friends. I was so close with my BFF in high school, and I became so close with her parents that by grade 12, they were okay with me sleeping over at times. We never once did anything romantic. We were just friends, as we are to this day. I've been in two different wedding parties on the bride's side (wearing a suit of similar color to the bridesmaids). My BFF over the last 15 years and I have chatted for hours a month on the phone. She's engaged now, and we're discussing the logistics of me being the 'friend of honor' (instead of MOH). She's one of my 21 exes that I'm still friends with. How does this all happen? I honestly don't know... It's probably some mental switch inside that goes 'this one is off-limits going forward,' and you stick to it."
—gmancan
16."As a straight male married for 30 years, I'd say that before I was married in my 30s, I had at least a minimal physical or intellectual interest in all the women I was friends with, and I'd say in 90% the feeling was reciprocated, even if never acted on. But TBH I'm not friends with anyone of either sex that I don't have some kind of chemistry with. It's wild how people are offended by everything these days. It's no wonder people have a miserable, impossible time maintaining relationships anymore. So many people are mad about everything, offended by everything, hurt by anything. If someone hits on you and you're not interested, just say no. If they can't take a hint or get offended, then they're the problem. If they leave you alone after they made a pass and you're mad, then you're the problem."
—comfymatcha336
17."It's simple yet so hard for many people. I'm not a jerk to my straight male friends, and they aren't jerks to me. And by jerk I mean making the other person uncomfortable, especially by hitting on them. I get so annoyed by men who aren't respectful in this way. Like, can you please pretend I'm not female for two seconds??? People who play friends just for a chance to get with that person aren't real friends."
—Anonymous, 43, Oregon
18."It is absolutely possible. I just think too many people are terrible at impulse control. America is overweight. Everything is sexualized. People are entitled and typically bad at real communication. Also, most people don't communicate their boundaries until they are crossed. I have friends who are women. It's corny, but my best friend is my wife. She knows all my friends, and it's very clear and obvious to any and everyone who meets me that I don't want anything but friendship from anyone else. But I 100% get the point, and it is always a good choice to remove anything risky and bad from your life. The bear is the right choice; it won't lie about its intentions."
—Anonymous, 40 Hawaii
19."I'm a straight female, and it's always in the back of my mind. I don't want to come off as creepy or too nice. You don't want to lead a guy on because you never know when they might get the wrong idea, then that can also be dangerous as a woman. But also I believe you should just be able to hang out with whoever you want as long as you are comfortable and aware; communication is key."
—Anonymous, 27 Colorado
20."I had a really good male friend for about 15 years. We were practically best friends and respected the heck out of each other. We hung out on the regular. My family knew him, and his family knew me, and I even had keys to his apartment since he'd leave often for military duty. Well, about 10 years ago, I was going through a tough time with my ex and ended up using my friend as an escape. One thing led to another, and we had sex. I knew what I was doing in the moment, but I didn't think about the aftermath. I thought we'd be able to brush it off and move forward per usual, but something shifted in him after that."
"Ten years later, he has admitted that he has been in love with me all this time and hasn't left my side for one moment. He thought in that moment, I'd be his forever, but I never felt the same. I feel like I ruined our friendship because of one stupid decision, although he says I haven't. He constantly jokes about me having his children and us being together, even though I have repeatedly told him I'm not interested in him like that. I've had to cut him off due to this, and I feel horrible simply because I miss my platonic friend, not the one who fell in love with me. If you ever decide to be 'just friends' with the opposite sex, proceed with caution. Lines can get blurry real fast and it's not salvageable."
—Anonymous, 33/DC
21."I stopped having straight male friends in my 20s. The number of times men would try the friend route, only to later expect or even demand sexual/romantic exchange, was depressing. Now I'm friendly with the husbands of friends or gay men to experience positive male energy in my life. Decentering straight men makes my life more fulfilling."
—Anonymous, Sam, San Diego
22."As a single male — I have a hard enough time finding time to meet up with my married male friends. I'm not going to invest time in a woman who I won't sleep with. I'm not friends with single women because the drama is too much."
—Anonymous, 40 Minneapolis
23."Queer and agender (AMAB) here. Platonic friendships have always meant more to me than romantic relationships in terms of priority because of how my family was growing up (I'd say this is a fairly common experience for queer people, to be fair). However, I was like that before I decided to explore my queerness. Still, as a 'straight male' in my past, I can 100% confirm I have hit on platonic friends and regretted reading into things. At the same time, I've been on the other side of it (getting hit on by platonic friends), and I know how uncomfortable it feels. IDK if everyone needs this hard and fast rule; however, if you're 'hot,' the reality is a lot of people will want more than platonic interactions with you."
"For me, accepting that reality is the first step to figuring out what will work for you in terms of interacting with people you could theoretically get romantic with, assuming mutual interest. I'd also say the extent of things matters — if they approach things respectfully and can handle rejection and not be weird moving forward, the relationship can be salvaged. However, a lot of people (straight men are not alone in this) cannot do that, and I'd assume she's had enough negative experiences where she felt she had to institute this rule for herself. Basically, it all depends on how you are as a person, and if this makes sense to you, it's probably for good reason."
—Anonymous, 33; Washington, DC
24."I've always had more guy friends than girls. I find different but equal merit in both. However, I was raised by a single dad and have two brothers. I've been happily with my husband for 16 years. They all have platonic close female friends. What I'm saying is that we're all different, and that's okay."
—bran230
25."At a sports bar, sitting alone at the bar with wings and beer watching an NBA playoff game, a man sits down, leaving a seat in between us, and after my reactions to the game, strikes up a conversation. At halftime, he flashed his wedding ring and asked if I was 'into that' and 'if I'd want to meet in the bathroom.' I said absolutely not, and luckily, the bartender saw the whole thing and asked him to leave. Another time at a networking event, I connected with a man over potential business ideas and raising capital. It went from just general conversations about business and everyday pleasantries to sending me a link to crotchless panties on Valentine's Day out of nowhere. I immediately blocked him."
—Anonymous, 39 Massachusetts
26."Honestly, I sometimes feel like the only reason I have close male friends who aren't creepy toward me is because they have evolved over the years to also be friends with my husband (who I've now been with for 14 years), so these are either old friends who have absorbed him into their orbit or friends I made during the relationship who have always been friends with both of us. Because they get along with him and are friends with him, I have much more confidence that they won't cross boundaries than I ever did when I had male friends when I was single. If you're single, I feel like this becomes way more of a problem."
—lawyerlady1
27."I grew up around what later I found out were straight men (two girls in a group of 15 people from kindergarten to middle school). What happened to me is that I was not scared to talk and chat in a non-romantic way to guys. Then it became hard to find someone because I prioritized brains and a good partnership over looks and intimacy. My guy friend group is still active, and 20+ years later, we have seen each other grow, been open about romances, etc. Our unspoken rule is that we prioritize friendship over romance. If we ever decide to date each other, we will prioritize our friendship over whatever happens in our romantic relationships, and it has worked (the other girl and one of the guys dated for a year, didn't work out, but they still see each other constantly)."
—Anonymous
28."My issue isn't that all my straight male friends hit on me (which I'm realizing is a bit of an ego check 🤣) but that I will never be able to adjust my expectations from my female friendships and not feel disappointed by their general lack of empathy, compassion, and inability to show loyalty to anyone without a dick."
—sharpbubble153
29."I have two male friends: Ethan and Pepe. It's been enough years for me to clearly state that neither I nor they want anything romantic to happen other than the romantic novels Pepe and I read together, because he's into rom-coms even though he's straight."
—Anonymous, 24
30."I have had platonic male friends I have known for over 40 years, maybe it's my age that makes me see [Emily Ratajkowski's] POV as limited? I have a male husband, and straight and queer friends of different genders. I am even friends with straight males who, in the past, had a mutual or one-sided attraction. Humanity is larger than the patriarchal capitalist culture that defines some interactions. Respect and love exist in a variety of places, but don't look for friendships with those who don't show you respect and love. It's not about gender or a lack of sexual attraction or feelings; it's kindness and trust, and affection that create friendships."
—skimdog841
31."As a 70+-year-old woman, I've had many male (heterosexual) friends in my lifetime, and there has never been any sexual attraction between us i.e., we are just friends."
—moniquechandra
32."I have had a lot of straight male friends throughout my life. For the most part, it has worked out well. I think a bit of mutual sexual tension is normal and expected in these relationships when you are both straight and genuinely like each other. You just have to anticipate it and either ignore it or work through it platonically. I have certainly known men, mostly when I was younger, whose motivation within the friendship was to get out of the friend zone, and a few stepped way over the line. But I have had a lot of long-term platonic relationships with men that are rewarding, if occasionally a bit uncomfortable. Worth it."
—oddunicorn733
33."Guys will often shoot their shot with any attractive woman who is nice to them, but if they learn that she says it's a no-go, most of the time that will be enough for them to back off and stop going after her as a possible romantic interest."
—hwh
34."I am very lucky in that my best friend is a straight man, and it's never been anything other than a very close friendship. He has never once ever made me feel even the tiniest bit like he may want something more or sees me as anything other than a friend. I think he's a very rare gem because I've never experienced this with any other straight men — just him."
—bmoney1212
35."I have exactly two male friends, one I met at school and the other I met at work. Both predate my spouse by many years. In my experience, most men have zero interest in being friends with women, and personally, I am just fine with that."
—keepintabs
36."Even if there's attraction on one side, I think it CAN work if the attracted person can take no for an answer. One of my best friends, starting in high school, was a guy who asked me out shortly after we met. I told him he was awesome but I didn't feel a spark, he respected that and was genuinely chill about it, and we continued to be friends for about 15 years afterwards, during which time we each dated other people and eventually both got married (sadly we sort of lost touch after I moved to a different part of the country, but there was no falling out or anything). I know he's an especially great dude, and this situation is not the norm, but I just wanted to put it out there that it is possible."
—bitterangel233
37."Lots of straight men constantly don't prioritize women in their life unless they're a romantic interest. In fact, many straight men only notice a woman if they find her attractive. I personally think it's an interesting way to see if it'll help some of our internalized misogyny."
—meg82461
Do you think friends who could be attracted to each other (straight, gay, bisexual, etc.) can actually be platonic? Share your thoughts in the comments or use this anonymous form.