Couple Decides Not to Chip in for Expensive Group Birthday Gift. Now Their Friends Are Calling Them 'Rude'

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a day ago

A Reddit user is asking for advice after a friend expected her to pitch in for lavish birthday gifts, including a Gucci bag
The woman revealed on the platform's 'Am I the A------' forum that a friend told her he expected her to pay for an expensive dinner bill after she didn't help pay for a group gift
"Suddenly we're being labeled as the rude ones just because we made a different choice this time based on our current situation," she wroteA woman is reconsidering her friend group's expectations for gift-giving — and she's asking the internet for some advice.
On Wednesday, July 9, a 29-year-old woman revealed on Reddit's popular "Am I the A-----e" forum that she and her husband, 35, are part of "a close group of friends" who often celebrate birthdays together. And while the "birthday person" usually "hosts and pays for everyone," things have been different lately, she explained.
"About a year ago, this weird new tradition started," the original poster wrote. "For each birthday, someone opens a WhatsApp group and says, 'Let's all chip in for this really expensive gift.' We're talking about things like Hermes flip-flops, Formula 1 tickets, Gucci bags. It's all very public and a bit uncomfortable to say no."
The Redditor continued, "My husband and I have always gone along with it, even though it's felt a bit much at times. For example, we paid around €300 towards a €1,500 Formula 1 ticket for my husband's best friend, let's call him Tom."
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While it felt "OK" at the time, the couple — who are already parents to one child and trying for another — has since opened a new, self-funded business. And now, they no longer feel comfortable taking part in the "expensive group gifts."
When her husband's birthday came around weeks back, the woman opted to not start a WhatsApp group. Without a gift to pitch in for, Tom gave the husband a "nice bottle of tequila worth around €100," or roughly $116.
Two weeks later, it was time for Tom's girlfriend's birthday. And while Tom opened a group chat, the Reddit user and her husband instead opted to buy her a €120 massage voucher as a gift, worth around $140.
"Her birthday was held at a really fancy and expensive beach restaurant. We went, enjoyed the event, had fun and made sure the birthday girl had a blast," the original poster wrote. "A few days later, Tom wrote in the group that the bill was €3,000 and said that if anyone would like to contribute, they could. I told my husband I didn't want to chip in. We didn't choose the place. We gave her a gift. And again, we're being more mindful about money right now. He obviously agreed."
Tom saw things differently.
As the woman explained, the friend privately messaged her husband and said he "expected us to help with the dinner bill since we didn't join the group gift."
"He said our €100 gift wasn't enough, brought up the fact that we had always participated before, including for his Formula 1 ticket, and said we were being jerks for not pitching in at all this time," she wrote. "I honestly don't understand it. I've never once complained about the gifts we got. I've always been thankful. But suddenly we're being labeled as the rude ones just because we made a different choice this time based on our current situation."
Ultimately, other Reddit users wrote that they felt the original poster wasn't the "a------" in the situation, with the most-upvoted response reading that "serving you with a bill after the fact, without informing you before the event that this would be expected is not a fair friendly move."
"If Tom wants to buy expensive gucci bags to his girlfriend and plan 3K dinners, that's great, but he can't expect the same level of chipping in from everyone else," the user wrote. "It's his girlfriend, not everyone's. If Tom was a good friend he wouldn't have stepped on multiple boundaries and calling you 'jerks?'... For not paying for his ideas."
As for the couple, they "realized we might not have been as clear as we thought" after seeing Reddit's response and opted to send the following message to their friends: "Hi guys, first of all, we love you all. Just wanted to say we're no longer participating in the group gift tradition. With our growing family and the new business, we're trying to be more mindful with money. We'll always celebrate you in our own way. Thanks for understanding.'
While their friends were "super supportive" and decided to stop the tradition altogether, Tom claimed he "felt passive aggressive and like we were throwing shade," and his girlfriend said they've "ruined the tradition for everyone."
Another couple going through IVF told the couple they too "felt uncomfortable with the pressure but didn't know how to say it."
"It stirred things up a bit, but it also helped more people feel comfortable. So I think it was worth it," she concluded.
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