Making fatherhood work: ‘The feeling you get from caring for your child, I'd swap it for a few zeros'
A dad at home with the kids is a fish out of water, according to the media, advertising and film worlds. These same industries tend to depict men as confident leaders, entrepreneurs and experts whereas women are overwhelmingly represented as celebrities, victims or carers. The stereotypical world dads inhabit is firmly in the public realm – at work or on the sports field – not in the private realm of the family.
Back in the real world, economic necessity and the Covid pandemic have forced changes in the way all parents navigate the balance between the workplace and their caring responsibilities. Some dads not only capably embrace the role but also encourage other men – and workplaces – to see the benefits of a more involved fatherhood.
As more dads challenge the status quo by demanding better parenting policies and flexibility, or by creating their own family-friendly employment, they are inadvertently driving change for everyone.
Changing attitudes to fatherhood are shaping the workplace and men's careers, too. The pandemic created more flexibility for dads to manage work and childcare responsibilities and empowered working parents to use their time differently. Many parents found it significantly changed their relationship to work, to their partners and to their community and they are refusing to return to outdated ways of working.
In addition, younger men expect to be actively involved fathers and partners and this is shaping their ideas about life at work and at home.
Evolving Manhood, an
Irish study
of 500 men carried out by Women's Aid and Core Media, finds that although younger men are more traditionalist than older men, an increasing number of men do not see their role solely as that of the main breadwinner. A third feel the role of a man is being an economic provider whereas two-thirds don't feel that defines them as men.
Finian Murphy, a communication strategist and researcher living and working in Dublin who is also a father, says, 'As a researcher, I'm seeing a generation that's critiquing how much time they're dedicating to things in their life from exercise and work to time spent with family'.
[
A 9-5 work schedule operates on the assumption someone else is looking after your house and kids all day
Opens in new window
]
Men don't really think about the impact of parenthood on their careers or career choices because it is not something they have needed to in the past.
'When boys are asked 'What do you want to be when you're older?', most say a profession. Very rarely would they say 'A dad',' says Murphy. 'There's an image of just being a dad at weekends and in the evenings.
'The level of care hours between women and men we see this in the research stats are completely out of balance. Before kids, I was totally ignorant about the investment of time needed when it comes to parenting. I understood the concept but not the practicalities of dividing out the week in terms of who does what.'
Becoming a dad didn't impact negatively on his career but it did change his conversations and choices.
'Normalising working dads and fatherhood has been the unlock for me. I had a mentor and leaders who would talk about their kids, the drop-offs, school holidays and they encouraged paternity leave. Dads in the office now have more conversations about the boring stresses of being a parent and all the navigation that goes along with that.'
Being with the kids was fabulous. I loved it. At work I wasn't treated any differently because I was a dad
Structural engineer Thomas Boyle, an Irish man who has been based in Switzerland since marrying a German academic three decades ago, found parenthood easy to navigate abroad. Both he and his wife chose to work 80 per cent work schedules with 80 per cent pay when the kids were young.
There was no issue at all for his firm or his wife's employer with this arrangement and his career did not suffer.
Childcare options included places in private creches, which were easy to find, and reasonably priced childminders. Before the children were school age, they were in childcare arrangements three days a week from 8am to 6pm. Once in school, a childcare facility was provided in the afternoon.
'Your spot is guaranteed in a city-run childcare facility that picked them up from school. The kids go there and have lunch, do homework and sometimes there was a trip to the zoo or the pool. We had to pick them up at 6pm on the dot.
'Being with the kids was fabulous. I loved it,' says Boyle. 'At work I wasn't treated any differently because I was a dad. I worked in a bog-standard office and they simply accepted it and I even had some career advancement before I left to set up on my own.'
'Men probably think they have to do the career thing a little more than women do but we shared everything 50-50.
'I don't understand men who take paternity leave and say yes to the childcare but no to cooking or cleaning. Men need to take up 50 per cent of the burden of the household to 'man up' and do this boring rubbish.
'Women need to put the boot down and say, 'Listen sunshine, if you want kids then it's 50-50 and we're cleaning and cooking and minding together'. That's the most urgent thing that needs to happen all over the world. It's sad and unbelievable to hear men still not willing to do that. I just shake my head. It needs to be equally shared. There's really nothing to it.'
[
Why do only half of Irish fathers take paternity leave?
Opens in new window
]
Amit Wadhwa, a website designer based in north Co Dublin, and his wife care equally for their son, who has cerebral palsy. Now that their child is school age and his wife needs to work from the office, Amit is the main carer but he wouldn't change a thing.
'It's had such a positive impact on me as a man as I've been able to work from home and spend so much time with my son. It's very rare and I'm very blessed. Once these years are over, you don't get them back. I get to see him hit all those important milestones.'
Physical and verbal milestones that were typical for other kids were not necessarily expected for their son due to his condition. Both parents have put in many hours of physio and language work with their son and his medical providers to give him the best possible quality of life.
'He's not that little child any more. He can't be running around in the back garden himself; that has to be done with help because of his CP. When you do this every day with him, you see the return. He can walk, he's a little chatterbox. I get all that emotional input from him.
'You hear men say, 'My business is turning over €1 million' and they feel that sense of pride; well, the feeling I get is well beyond that. The feeling you get from caring for your child, I'd swap it for a few zeros in the monthly income any time.'
Margaret E Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy.
margaret@cleareye.ie
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Evolving Manhood, an Irish study of 500 men carried out by Women's Aid and Core Media, finds that although younger men are more traditionalist than older men, an increasing number of men do not see their role solely as that of the main breadwinner. A third feel the role of a man is being an economic provider whereas two-thirds don't feel that defines them as men. Finian Murphy, a communication strategist and researcher living and working in Dublin who is also a father, says, 'As a researcher, I'm seeing a generation that's critiquing how much time they're dedicating to things in their life from exercise and work to time spent with family'. [ A 9-5 work schedule operates on the assumption someone else is looking after your house and kids all day Opens in new window ] Men don't really think about the impact of parenthood on their careers or career choices because it is not something they have needed to in the past. 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Being with the kids was fabulous. I loved it. At work I wasn't treated any differently because I was a dad Structural engineer Thomas Boyle, an Irish man who has been based in Switzerland since marrying a German academic three decades ago, found parenthood easy to navigate abroad. Both he and his wife chose to work 80 per cent work schedules with 80 per cent pay when the kids were young. There was no issue at all for his firm or his wife's employer with this arrangement and his career did not suffer. Childcare options included places in private creches, which were easy to find, and reasonably priced childminders. Before the children were school age, they were in childcare arrangements three days a week from 8am to 6pm. Once in school, a childcare facility was provided in the afternoon. 'Your spot is guaranteed in a city-run childcare facility that picked them up from school. The kids go there and have lunch, do homework and sometimes there was a trip to the zoo or the pool. We had to pick them up at 6pm on the dot. 'Being with the kids was fabulous. I loved it,' says Boyle. 'At work I wasn't treated any differently because I was a dad. I worked in a bog-standard office and they simply accepted it and I even had some career advancement before I left to set up on my own.' 'Men probably think they have to do the career thing a little more than women do but we shared everything 50-50. 'I don't understand men who take paternity leave and say yes to the childcare but no to cooking or cleaning. Men need to take up 50 per cent of the burden of the household to 'man up' and do this boring rubbish. 'Women need to put the boot down and say, 'Listen sunshine, if you want kids then it's 50-50 and we're cleaning and cooking and minding together'. That's the most urgent thing that needs to happen all over the world. It's sad and unbelievable to hear men still not willing to do that. I just shake my head. It needs to be equally shared. There's really nothing to it.' [ Why do only half of Irish fathers take paternity leave? Opens in new window ] Amit Wadhwa, a website designer based in north Co Dublin, and his wife care equally for their son, who has cerebral palsy. Now that their child is school age and his wife needs to work from the office, Amit is the main carer but he wouldn't change a thing. 'It's had such a positive impact on me as a man as I've been able to work from home and spend so much time with my son. It's very rare and I'm very blessed. Once these years are over, you don't get them back. I get to see him hit all those important milestones.' Physical and verbal milestones that were typical for other kids were not necessarily expected for their son due to his condition. Both parents have put in many hours of physio and language work with their son and his medical providers to give him the best possible quality of life. 'He's not that little child any more. He can't be running around in the back garden himself; that has to be done with help because of his CP. When you do this every day with him, you see the return. He can walk, he's a little chatterbox. I get all that emotional input from him. 'You hear men say, 'My business is turning over €1 million' and they feel that sense of pride; well, the feeling I get is well beyond that. The feeling you get from caring for your child, I'd swap it for a few zeros in the monthly income any time.' Margaret E Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy. margaret@
