Colts RT Braden Smith 'in a spectacular place' after career-threatening battle with OCD
To this season.
A chance to experience the joy of football again, freed from the stranglehold obsessive-compulsive disorder placed on him last year. A specific type of OCD, religious scrupulosity, overwhelmed Smith last year, forcing him to leave the Colts with five games left in the season in a desperate attempt to find an answer for what was going through his mind.
The search took Smith through therapy, medicine, a Colorado health clinic and finally a controversial treatment with psychedelics in Mexico, but the 29-year-old right tackle emerged on the other side last spring with his OCD under control.
In his own words: Colts RT Braden Smith's desperate, life-threatening fight vs OCD
A half a year later, Smith is back on the practice field at Grand Park, ready to enjoy football again after his battle with OCD caused him to briefly consider retirement last fall.
'I'm in a spectacular place, honestly,' Smith said. 'I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned different tools and strategies, I've had a great support system here and at home.'
When Smith returned from an ibogaine treatment in Mexico that he believes erased the bad habits his mind had created — internal compulsions that caused him to repetitively pray, repent or declare his faith — he began intensive therapy for OCD.
In Smith's own words, he still has OCD.
But it no longer has a hold on him, no longer serves as a crushing weight on him at all times, forcing him to try to justify himself to a perfect God.
'There's not boxes I need to check off, there's not things I need to do,' Smith said. 'It's not perfect, but it's kind of allowed me to give it all to Him and not worry about what else can happen.'
Smith, a Christian who was baptized last May after deciding to devote himself fully to his faith, has found better balance in his belief, a pursuit of God based on love rather than guilt.
'You have to find out what is healthy and what is not healthy. It looks a little bit different for every person,' Smith said. 'My relationship to God doesn't have to be a cookie-cutter type of thing. … Luckily, the whole point is just (having) a relationship.'
Playing football again on the practice fields at Grand Park is a reminder of how far Smith has come since last winter.
One of the statements that set off alarm bells for Courtney was when Smith floated the idea of retirement last September. Her husband has always loved playing football, loved playing the game, and the OCD had stripped football of the joy and fulfillment he felt playing the game.
The Colts tried to help Smith.
Instead of ignoring or downplaying his symptoms, the coaching staff helped Smith find treatment and medicine, allowed the veteran right tackle to avoid going to meetings when OCD began to overtake him and supported his decision to miss the rest of the season.
The day before Thanksgiving, Smith showed up at the practice facility and headed right back home, the final piece of the puzzle that convinced Courtney to tell her husband he needed to leave his team and go to a mental-health facility in Colorado.
Before he left, Smith told the rest of the offensive linemen and the coaches exactly what had been going on throughout the season, and the Colts responded by protecting and supporting the man who has been a pillar of the offensive line since 2018.
Smith started 12 games and played 731 snaps last season.
But he was far from the player he could be.
'Last year, I was just kind of out there,' Smith said. 'I was going through the motions, but I didn't feel that edge that players have. I didn't have that last year. I didn't feel that.'
Smith hasn't been able to be himself in years.
Before the scrupulosity took over Smith's life last year, he played through a painful knee injury in 2023, an injury that cost him seven games and ultimately forced him to undergo surgery on the joint.
Physically, Smith feels better than he has in years.
Mentally, it's possible that Smith feels better than he ever has before. When Smith first started going to therapy last fall, his psychologist told Courtney he could trace her husband's OCD back to at least the third grade, if not before that.
For the first time, Smith believes he understands his OCD and has a handle on his condition.
'Instead of obsessing over other things, I can obsess about my craft,' Smith said. 'Turn a negative into the positive.'
When Smith first talked about his battle with OCD in April, Courtney said she believed her husband could finally be the person he's meant to be.
Half a year later, Smith has no reason to believe anything has changed since then.
'This is probably the best I've felt in a really long time,' Smith said. 'It's kind of nice to see everything come together. Now, I can just go play football.'
For the love of the game alone.
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