2 Ways To Support An ‘Anxiously Attached' Partner, By A Psychologist

Forbes

4 days ago

If your partner constantly needs reassurance, for instance, if a slight delay in your response spirals into doubt or panic on their end, it's quite possible you're in a relationship with someone who has an anxious attachment style.
In that case, it's completely normal if, at times, you feel overwhelmed. When you choose to love someone who is constantly afraid of losing love and is predominantly driven by their fear of abandonment, it helps to understand where this fear comes from.
People with anxious attachment styles aren't trying to be difficult. They're often operating from an embodied fear of disconnection, which could have been shaped by past relationships where safety wasn't consistent. While their reactions might seem intense, underneath these emotions is often a simple question: 'Are you still here with me?'
That being said, remember that you do not have to pacify someone or justify their every reaction. You can bring the shift in your dynamic by recognizing that behind the urgency is often a need for emotional safety.
With the right support, this need can be met without either partner losing themselves in the process. While you reflect on this, remember that compassion doesn't mean abandoning boundaries. It just means staying connected while helping the relationship grow into something more secure for both of you.
This does not mean that you have to carry the entire weight of building safety alone. It's not your sole responsibility to manage your partner's emotions, fix their triggers or bring about a shift in their thinking. Both partners need to understand that no real change can occur unless both are open to self-reflection and willing to co-create something healthier.
The path toward a secure connection isn't smooth or immediate, but what's important is that it is possible. No matter what shaped your attachment patterns or your partner's, it's always possible to evolve.
And sometimes, this begins with just a few subtle shifts that help both nervous systems feel more at ease.
Here are two ways you can build more security in your relationships.
1. Move From 'Fixing' To Attunement
Often, when a partner feels anxious, their need for reassurance doesn't have to be met with logic. In moments where they feel triggered, their nervous system is likely not looking for facts or explanations. They're likely just scanning for signs of emotional safety: 'Am I still safe with you? Am I still important to you?'
If you're someone who can't relate to these fears, and perhaps you have a more secure or avoidant attachment style, this might seem all too confusing, or even like an overreaction.
While you may not comprehend or understand how to respond to their fear, your anxiously attached partner often views your silence as danger.
Research published in Frontiers in Psychology explored how people with different attachment styles behave in threatening or emergency situations from the lens of 'social defense theory.'
Social Defense Theory (SDT) is an evolutionary extension of Bowlby's attachment theory. SDT suggests that insecure attachment styles (anxious or avoidant) may also have adaptive value, especially in group survival situations.
The study presented theoretical arguments as well as empirical data to highlight that all attachment styles bring unique strengths to group survival.
Researcher Tsachi Ein-Dor found that people with anxious attachment noticed threats sooner than others. In the study, their heightened vigilance made them more likely to alert others and mobilize action quickly in the face of danger.
The study was predominantly set in a survival context, but the same hypervigilance often shows up in romantic relationships, too.
An anxiously attached partner might notice even subtle shifts in tone, body language or emotional availability. This likely happens because their nervous system is wired to detect signs of potential disconnection in relationships as early as possible so that it can protect itself.
When you see your partner acting out of hypervigilance, you may view their responses from a logical lens and your first instinct might be to 'fix' what's bothering them. While this comes from good intent, it may not always serve the purpose and can even leave your partner feeling more emotionally unseen.
Research published in the International Journal of Applied and Psychoanalytic Studies examined how individuals with different attachment orientations respond during emotionally charged situations, especially when attachment needs, such as the need for reassurance, safety or connection, are activated. They studied this using a therapeutic lens.
The important takeaway was the emphasis on 'attunement,' which is the ability to recognize and respond to a partner's emotional cues, as a critical skill in romantic relationships.
The authors found a positive shift when couples moved away from trying to fix emotional responses with logic or problem-solving. When couples worked toward creating emotional safety and presence, it significantly improved relational outcomes.
Attunement allowed couples to break the cycle of reactivity. This even helped couples access the deeper attachment needs underlying their emotional patterns.
This reinforces the idea that many emotional triggers in romantic relationships are not irrational but rooted in deep-seated attachment mechanisms. For anxiously attached individuals in particular, moments of silence, delay or disconnection can feel threatening.
So, what looks like 'overreacting' to you is often your partner's nervous system trying to protect love before it's lost.
When you see it with that awareness, their anxiety becomes easier to meet with compassion rather than correction.
2. Shift From Reactive Boundaries To Proactive Reassurance
When your partner is anxiously attached, it's easy to default to defensiveness or rigid boundaries in response to their fears. This is especially true when their fears show up frequently and repeatedly.
Despite your love for them, you might find yourself thinking they're 'too much;' too sensitive, needy or reactive, and this can automatically make you want to protect your own peace or sometimes even lash out.
However, in trying to protect your own space, you might start reacting with withdrawal, cold logic or shutting down emotionally. However, someone with anxious attachment isn't usually soothed by facts or space. They need consistency and emotional availability that's not just reactive, but proactive.
In a 2020 study, researchers set out to empirically test a core assumption of attachment theory: that 'perceived partner responsiveness,' which means feeling seen, understood and cared for by one's partner, is a critical factor in fostering attachment security.
They examined both general attachment tendencies, that is, how individuals relate to close others overall and partner-specific security, which refers to how secure they feel with a current partner.
Researchers found that individuals who perceived their partners as consistently responsive reported lower levels of attachment anxiety and avoidance, especially in the context of that specific relationship.
More importantly, the results showed that this effect was even more pronounced in individuals who were already insecure. This suggests that responsiveness can actively reshape internal patterns of functioning that are built on past instances of rejection or abandonment.
In particular, for people with anxious attachment stemming from a fear of being unwanted or unworthy of love, ongoing reassurance plays a transformative role.
The 2020 study highlighted how when these individuals perceived their partner as responsive; they not only felt more secure in that relationship but were also more likely to revise their beliefs about themselves and others more broadly.
This finding directly supports the idea that shifting from reactive behaviors (like protest or withdrawal) to proactive reassurance in relationships is not just comforting, but also truly healing.
When you consciously offer consistency and emotional availability, you are not only proving immediate security and relief but also helping reprogram deeper attachment patterns gradually.
True attachment healing doesn't happen from simply being told 'you're safe.' It comes from experiencing safety over and over again, especially in moments that once triggered fear. Remember, the brain learns through patterns.
So, every time your partner reaches out and you meet them with warmth instead of withdrawal, you are literally offering their nervous system a new script to follow.
Learn To Feel Safe Together
Being in a relationship with someone who has anxious attachment can come with certain challenges. While initially their responses may seem foreign to you, pausing to step into their shoes can make all the difference.
Begin to view their reactions not as 'drama' but as protective patterns that emerged from trying circumstances. This will open up space for compassion.
There may be moments when you feel emotionally stretched or confused, where it feels like you're walking on eggshells or carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. Acknowledging those moments is not a sign of weakness. It's an important signal in understanding your own boundaries and emotional needs as you continue to understand your partner, too.
It's all too easy to write someone off as 'too much,' 'toxic' or 'a red flag' at the first sign of emotional intensity, but we forget that secure connection isn't always something you find. Sometimes, it's something you build. All secure relationships had to start somewhere, and it's a journey with undertaking.
While it's true that not every relationship is meant to be held onto, many are dismissed before they've been truly explored or given the chance to evolve.
In the most real sense, a healthy connection is about being willing to grow and evolve through the messiness of a relationship together, and it all starts with cultivating a little more understanding for one another.
Curious how emotionally safe and seen your partner makes you feel? Take this science-backed test to find out: Perceived Responsiveness Scale