Careful, there may be a painful secret behind this door

The Herald Scotland

13 hours ago

We jest, of course. It wasn't a pasty-'n'-pop scoffathon.
Instead, the garrulous garden nosherati tucked into dinky sandwiches and cakes, plus tea and apple juice.
And everyone was dressed to impress. Chaps in smart suits; ladies in pretty Edwardian-style summer dresses, with hats as tall and textured as the Manhattan skyline. (Can you tell that the Diary is auditioning for a gig with Paris Vogue?)
Yup, men were dashing, women were dazzling… until they left the party.
For our spies inform us that two lady partygoers were spotted awaiting their homeward-bound carriage at Waverley Station.
Still wearing pretty Edwardian-style summer dresses.
Still in those tall, textured hats.
But one lady was now barefoot, while the other had changed into a pair of comfy bedroom slippers.
Clearly it had been a VERY long day…
Home sweet home
On the subject of Waverley Station.
A Tannoy announcement was heard on the concourse, warning people not to feed the pigeons.
The announcer explained that this was to encourage the birds to find 'a better home'.
But what could be more ideal than Waverley Station, wonders the Diary?
For it has a café, if the pigeons desire a coffee perk-up plus seed cake.
There's also a newsagent where the birds can buy a copy of The Herald, thus keeping up to date with essential Diary exclusives.
There's even an M&S, if the pigeons want to purchase fresh Y-Fronts.
Come to think of it, maybe the feathered residents should vamoose… and let the rest of us move to Waverley.
Talking balls
They're whacking yellow, fuzzy hingmies over nets in SW19 again, which inspires Eddy Cavin to provide his favourite Wimbledon clichés.
1. Defeated British players must be described as 'plucky losers'.
2. There must be a reference to Virginia Wade's win 'in Jubilee year'. (The tennis version of 1966.)
Candid couture
Philosophical thought from reader Lisa Scott: 'Three things that always tell the truth… Small children, drunk people and yoga pants.'
Party pooper
'No offence to the Von Trapps,' says reader Chris Robertson. 'But if I go to a swanky party and seven kids start singing about going to bed, I use that time for a toilet break.'
Zero effort
'What's a lazy person's favourite exercise?' asks Nicola Munro. 'Diddly squats.'