I bumped into my boyfriend when he was with his secret wife and their baby – should I tell her about us?
DEAR DEIDRE I bumped into my boyfriend when he was with his secret wife and their baby – should I tell her about us?
DEAR DEIDRE: I BUMPED into my boyfriend in the supermarket . . . and he was with his secret wife and their new baby.
All the times he'd told me he was working, he was actually sleeping with her.
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I feel so betrayed and angry, and wonder if I should tell her about us.
I'm 34 and he's 35. We were seeing each other for two years.
We met in the bar he owned when I was on a girls' night out.
He is gorgeous and I was flattered that someone successful and charming was interested in me.
We got chatting and he asked if I would wait until the bar closed so he could take me home.
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After that, we started seeing each other twice a week.
The sex was amazing, and I fell for him hard.
He often said he couldn't meet up with me because he was working, but I understood. I thought he was worth waiting for.
But last week, I was shopping with my best friend when I saw my boyfriend at the end of the aisle. He was pushing a buggy with a baby inside and there was a young, pretty woman next to him.
I froze in horror. He turned around and saw me, and motioned that he'd come round later.
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I kept hoping there was some mistake, but that night, he came over and told me that the woman was his wife, and the baby his daughter.
He admitted that he had been with her all the nights he said he was working, and claimed he was about to end their marriage but then she got pregnant.
He had been planning to tell me but didn't want to hurt me.
I told him it was over and I never wanted to see him again but I am hurting so much.
He has a lovely life, while my life and future are ruined. I want to tell his wife the truth.
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Should I?
DEIDRE SAYS: Telling his wife might make you feel better for a brief time, but all you will achieve is hurting her.
You need to think of their baby, and how it might affect her, too.
You have already decided you don't want him in your life. Don't allow him to think you still care or want him.
Unlike his wife, you can walk away from this untrustworthy man.
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Focus on healing from your heartbreak. Spend time with your girlfriends. My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, will help you.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I CHEAT ON WIFE WITH HOOKERS
DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I go abroad on business trips, I can't help cheating with escorts.
My wife and children mean the world to me but I seem to be addicted to dangerous sex. How can I stop before she finds out and divorces me?
I'm 40, my wife is 37 and we have two young sons.
I run my own business, which takes me all over the world.
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The first time I paid for sex was basically an accident. I was alone at a hotel bar, and this beautiful woman came up and asked me to buy her a drink.
She was young – in her 20s – and had a model-like figure. I was flattered, and didn't realise she was a sex worker. We kept drinking late into the night and I ended up taking her back to my room.
Realising she expected payment was actually the ultimate thrill because it felt so wrong.
And I convinced myself it was different from having an affair because feelings weren't involved.
Since then, I've sought out escorts whenever I go away. It's like a compulsion.
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The sex is often not that great and afterwards I feel terrible – I feel guilty and hate myself. I know I'm playing a dangerous game and I want to stop. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: Like taking drugs, sex can be very addictive, especially if it feels transgressive. But you are not only risking your marriage, you're also putting your sexual health – and your wife's – at risk.
Please go to a sexual health clinic for tests and, if necessary, treatment. If you have picked up anything, you will need to tell your wife.
Now you've admitted you have a problem, help is available. Contact The Laurel Centre (thelaurelcentre.co.uk, 01926 339 594), which offers sex addiction therapy.
Perhaps postpone your next business trip until you've had some support.
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ROMANTIC PARIS TRIP FAILED TO TURN HIM ON
DEAR DEIDRE: ALTHOUGH we went to a luxury hotel in the world's most romantic city, my husband and I didn't have sex once.
The trip was meant to reignite our sex life and bring us closer but now I feel more rejected and confused than ever.
I'm 37 and my husband is 40. We've been married for six years.
A few months ago, our sex life ground to a halt. My husband said he just didn't feel in the mood any more.
I felt so rejected but he told me it wasn't me, he was just tired and stressed due to his work.
Thinking we needed a change of scene, I booked a surprise romantic weekend in Paris.
We had a lovely time, walking around, seeing the sites, eating and drinking. We held hands and kissed.
But on both nights, when I attempted to make a move in bed, he rolled over and went to sleep.
I love him but I don't want to carry on in a sexless marriage. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like there's something deeper going on here.
You need to talk to your husband gently and say that you love him, but this is now damaging your marriage.
Ask if he will be honest with you, and consider getting help for his low libido, if that is what the problem is.
He might need to see his GP or talk to a counsellor. My support packs, Reviving A Man's Sex Drive and Saving Your Sex Life, should be helpful.
SNUBBED BY SON IN MARITAL BREAK-UP
DEAR DEIDRE: DESPITE knowing for more than a year that my wife was having an affair, my son kept this information from me
But even though I'm the one who did nothing wrong, he has now sided with his mum and hates me.
My son is 15. I'm in my early 40s, as is my now ex-wife.
Last year, I discovered she had been cheating on me. Our son had found out and been sworn to secrecy by her.
It hurt that he didn't tell me.
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After I learned of her affair, we agreed to separate. I moved out and, soon after, met a new woman.
But my son is furious that I have found love again, and now refuses to see me or speak to me.
I don't know how to handle this. I can see he is hurting from the divorce but I am not at fault.
Why is he so angry with me, not his mum?
DEIDRE SAYS: Try to understand this from your son's perspective.
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Keeping his mum's secret must have torn him apart. And he may feel some – misplaced – guilt that he is responsible for your divorce.
As you've now met someone new, he knows you and his mum will never get back together, which must also be painful.
Be patient and keep letting him know you are there for him when he is ready.
In the meantime, talking about this will help. For support, contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222), which helps with parenting issues.
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