In Motherhood, Can We Stop Using the Phrase ‘One and Done‘?
So, are you one and done?
Oh…he's an only child?
I've been asked innumerable iterations of this question—typically by total strangers—since I had my son five years ago. But after experiencing postpartum depression not once, but twice, I've been ambivalent about having another baby, so my answer to this invasive, all-too-common inquiry is complicated.
Some days, the language we use to talk about 'only' children makes me feel judged, or somehow less than mothers with multiple kids. Other days, I feel annoyed that questions about family planning have become as quotidian as discussing the weather. Either way, these conversations have made it clear just how many people still believe that when it comes to children, one is the loneliest number.
If we remove emotion from the equation and look solely at the data, it makes sense why more families are deciding to stop at one. A recent study showed that in 2025, the average cost of raising a child until the age of 18 in the US is $300,000. This figure doesn't account for the cost of post-secondary education, which in Canada (where I am from) is expected to rise to over $100,000 for a four-year university education. In Canada, one-child families are already the most common type, representing 45% of households with kids, while the average American family downsized from 3.7 children in 1960 to 1.9 currently. With these economic pressures alone, it seems only logical that the one-child family trend will continue. But logic doesn't seem to be the leading influence when we're talking about adding more kids to the mix.
In her 2013 book One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One, Lauren Sandler writes that the reason the decision is so nuanced is because 'children are a desire, not a calculation.' I've observed how my own desire to do the 'right' thing for my child has made the age-old arguments for a second that much more persuasive. We all know them: A sibling is a lifelong friend for your child, they can keep each other busy, they'll never be lonely! It helps with socialization and learning to share. More children can share the responsibility of caring for their aging parents. There's just as much, if not more, rhetoric about the problematic nature of only children. In the late 1800s, two child psychologists coined the term only child syndrome to describe the negative traits that their research showed only children often possess, including being spoiled, selfish, maladjusted, and anti-social.
I want the world for my son, of course—and yet I'm still not sure if I am up for doing it all over again. It's why I've found so much comfort in a viral TikTok video from a self-described 'one & done mom,' who argues that being a mother of one allows women to choose motherhood as well as themselves. The comment section is filled with proud moms sharing what they've been able to do with their lives by deciding not to have a second child—from travelling to reaching career goals and having more time to do the things they love.
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