Sailing into disaster: how the 'Trainwreck: Poop Cruise' became a holiday horror
The 2013 Carnival Triumph cruise, now Carnival Sunrise, which descended into chaos after the toilets gave up in the middle of the sea
Image: X/@CruiseIndustry
This documentary is not for the faint-hearted, and when I say that, I mean it. If you're easily grossed out, then maybe stick to a cooking show, because "Trainwreck: Poop Cruise" is exactly what it sounds like, a holiday that turned into a s*** show.
What starts as a luxury cruise turns into a stinking, sewage-filled disaster that unlocks a fear I didn't even know I had.
When most people think of cruise holidays, they picture cocktails on sun loungers, that corny "Titanic" pose with your partner at the bow, and overly friendly staff offering you a smile at every turn.
It's supposed to be endless sunshine, buffets big enough to feed a small country, lots of sex apparently and just the right amount of chaos at the karaoke bar. Cruises are often sold as floating hotels, clean, safe, self-contained little worlds on water. But this ship? This was not that.
The Carnival Triumph, which held over 4 100 people, was meant to take passengers on a two-day trip. Easy stuff, right? Wrong.
Just as people were getting into their holiday groove, sipping daiquiris and applying their third layer of sunscreen and coming off a babalas (hangover), a fire broke out in the engine room.
Just darkness. Total blackout.
And here's where it gets bad – like, poo floating down the hallway bad. The fire knocked out the ship's entire electrical system. That meant no flushing toilets, no aircon, no lights, no proper food prep and no communication.
While we might be used to loadshedding here in South Africa, this was in the middle of the sea. Loadshedding with nowhere to run.
So imagine you're stranded, it's 35°C inside your tiny room, you can't flush the loo, and you're told to relieve yourself in a red plastic bag. And that's not even the worst part - the sewage started spilling.
It seeped through toilets, into rooms, down hallways, turning the ship into a floating latrine. It wasn't just gross, it was dangerous.
We're talking real health risks, such as bacterial infections, respiratory issues, and the kind of airborne filth that no one signed up for. It's a miracle more people didn't end up in the hospital.
The documentary brings in real accounts from the passengers, which are both fascinating and grim.
One woman came to celebrate her bachelorette, a dad and daughter were there trying to reconnect after a divorce, and one guy just wanted to impress his future father-in-law. Instead, they all ended up with front-row seats to an actual human biohazard zone.
Sleeping indoors became impossible because of the heat and the stench, so many dragged mattresses outside and created makeshift camps on the deck.
Image: X/@erickmramz
As passengers recall, panic set in when the once chirpy cruise director's voice came through the speakers with a completely different tone.
The ship's crew handed out red bags for bowel movements and urged people to "cooperate". And while most passengers did, there's no preparing yourself for using a plastic bag for a number two, then having to sleep next to it in a room hotter than a Joburg taxi on a summer afternoon.
To make things worse, with no refrigeration, food started to spoil. Passengers began hoarding non-perishables like biscuits and apples.
Sleeping indoors became impossible because of the heat and the stench, so many dragged mattresses outside and created makeshift camps on the deck labelled 'tent city'.
That's when this so-called holiday really hit rock bottom.
And then the weather said, 'You thought I was done?' Out of nowhere, the sea got rough. As tugboats tried to tow the dead ship back to land, waves rocked the vessel, and all that raw sewage.
Yes, the same one people were dodging in the halls came flooding back up, and the looks on passengers' faces told you everything you needed to know. No one knew whether to cry, gag or pray.
Eventually, after days of this hellish situation, the ship was dragged to shore.
Carnival's apology package included a full refund, transport, $500 (8 889,36 South African Rand) and - wait for it - a free cruise.
The audacity. As if any of those passengers would ever willingly set foot on another floating tin can again.
This documentary is revolting and ridiculous, but you can't stop watching. Not just because of the mess (though that's a big part of it), but because you genuinely feel for these people.
One minute they were dancing under the sun, the next they were rationing crackers and dodging faeces.
Would I get on a cruise after this? Not even if it was hosted by Beyoncé and catered by Jamie Oliver. A holiday should never involve red biohazard bags. Ever.
"Trainwreck: Poop Cruise" is filthy, frantic and almost unbelievable. A holiday that spiralled into chaos and a documentary that'll haunt your next booking search.
"Trainwreck: Poop Cruise" is now streaming on Netflix.
*** solid and enjoyable, though not groundbreaking.
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