I found out fiancée was a sex worker and dumped her – so why do I miss her so much?
DEAR DEIDRE I found out fiancée was a sex worker and dumped her – so why do I miss her so much?
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DEAR DEIDRE: MY fiancée turned out to be a sex worker, so why do I miss her so much?
She has lied and cheated on me with other men, but I still have feelings for her and wonder if I should take her back.
We are both in our early thirties and we were together for six years.
When we first met, she admitted she had done a bit of lap dancing to support herself through university, and that she worked as an escort a few times when money was really tight.
It made me feel jealous, but I understood.
And as it all happened before she met me, or so I thought, I felt I shouldn't judge.
I fell in love with her and last summer, asked her to marry me.
We also talked about trying for a baby. But over the past six months, she started behaving erratically.
Her style of dress became much more provocative, and she began to plaster herself in make-up whenever she 'went out with her friends' — which was increasingly frequent.
One day, I came home early from work and saw her coming out of our neighbour's house, looking dishevelled.
He is married and in his fifties. Shocked, I accused her of having an affair.
Her response was to burst out laughing, which made me even more angry and upset.
She told me she had no interest in him.
Cheating and can you get over it
When I pressed her, she admitted he'd paid her for sex.
I was horrified. But she wasn't even sorry. She claimed she had told me she sometimes did sex work, so it shouldn't come as a surprise to me.
And it wasn't cheating — she was saving up for our wedding.
I ended our relationship immediately, moving out that night.
I've since found out she's slept with half the men in our town.
My friends tell me I've had a lucky escape, but I can't stop thinking about her. We should have been getting married soon. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You accepted she had done sex work in the past, but clearly wouldn't have agreed to her continuing to do it.
She should have told you the truth – not least because she may have put your sexual health at risk.
Please make an appointment at a sexual health clinic to be sure.
It's natural to miss her, but you miss the person you thought you loved, not the woman she really was.
The reality is, she was happy to sleep with other men for money behind your back.
Take some time and space to get over her.
You deserve to meet someone you can trust.
My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, should help you to move on.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME DEAL WITH PAST ABUSE
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN counselling for depression unearthed memories of childhood abuse, it sent me into a mental tailspin.
Suddenly, I remembered how my male cousin used to touch me sexually when I was 11 and he was 16 – something I'd never told anyone.
At the time I thought it was normal but now, as a 30-year-old man, I realised it might be considered rape – even though I never told him to stop.
I also realised this abuse might explain my confusion over my sexuality – something troubling me for years.
I didn't know if I should tell my family or my partner and badly neede advice, so I wrote to you. You gently and sympathetically told me that what had happened was indeed rape because, as a child, I couldn't consent.
You advised me to read your support pack, Abused As A Child?, and recommended I speak to a counsellor before making any decisions about telling my family or going to the police.
Hearing your confirmation that I had been raped opened my eyes. I followed your advice and have had professional support.
I've now spoken to my family, who were very understanding.
Even though I can't change the past, I now feel so much more positive about the future.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have been so brave. It can't have been easy to open up to your family. I hope this will be the start of a healing journey.
SECRET CONDITION FEARS
DEAR DEIDRE: THE fear that my daughter and her husband could have a severely disabled child is keeping me awake at night.
She doesn't know that there's a rare genetic condition in my husband's family, which has been kept under wraps.
His sister was born with it, and was hidden away in a care home until she died – like a shameful secret.
My daughter is 30 and newly married. She is really excited about having kids and says they plan to start trying soon.
My husband and his family are in denial about his late sister's condition, saying she was brain damaged at birth.
But I've spoken to doctors and know that's not true.
This genetic mutation – which leaves babies unable to talk, feed or walk – could pop up at any time.
I want my daughter and her husband to have genetic testing, but I don't know how to bring up the subject.
What should I do? My husband won't discuss it.
DEIDRE SAYS: If there's a chance this mutation could be passed on, and genetic testing is available, as a loving mother you owe it to your daughter to tell her about it.
This will give her and her husband the chance to make their own informed choices. Imagine the guilt you'll feel if her child is born severely disabled, and this could have been prevented, or at least prepared for.
Before you talk to them, first find out as much as you can about the condition and get emotional support too from charity Unique (rarechromo.org, 01883 723 356).
Tell your husband you are doing this, and why, with or without his blessing. Hopefully, he will come around.
HER PASSION FADED ONCE WE'D MOVED IN TOGETHER
DEAR DEIDRE: SOMETHING is missing from my relationship, and I don't know how to get it back, or whether I can.
My girlfriend and I used to be so passionate and affectionate, but lately all she wants to do is sit chatting on her phone to friends or watching TV.
Both in our late 20s, we've been living with each other for nine months.
Before we moved in together, after dating for almost a year, we would have sex all the time. And when we weren't together, we constantly texted each other.
She would send me little loving messages, and wanted to know every detail of my day. We could talk for hours about music or politics.
Now, when she comes in from work, she barely even pecks me on the cheek and doesn't seem to want to chat. She goes straight on her phone.
She is generally too tired or not in the mood for sex, and we rarely even hug.
It feels like she has gone from being my lover to my flatmate. Is this normal? She doesn't seem unhappy, but I am. I realise romance doesn't last for ever but I want more than this.
DEIDRE SAYS: While it's true that the first flush of romance fades away, that doesn't mean you should stop communicating or being affectionate.
Moving in together does change the dynamics of a relationship. When you can have sex on tap because you sleep next to each other every night, it becomes less exciting.
Perhaps your girlfriend just feels comfortable now. Maybe she believes she doesn't have to try any more.
But there's a difference between comfort and complacency. Even the happiest couples need to work on their relationship.
So, if you're unhappy, you need to tell her. Rather than criticising her, tell her how much you miss chatting and having sex. Arranging date nights might help.
Perhaps plan a weekend away – something to break up the routine.
My support pack, How To Look After Your Relationship, should help.
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