‘Kirron could not conceive it': As Anupam Kher reflects on the grief of not becoming a biological father, expert on how men often process such longing later in life
During a recent discussion with the content creator Raj Shamani on his podcast, the actor disclosed that he felt a certain sense of loss for never having a biological child of his own. While Anupam has always had a positive relationship with his stepson Sikander, it wasn't until quite later in life that he realised this. 'I do a lot of work with children. My foundation does a lot of work. I am fond of children. I used to do a show called 'Say na something to Anupam uncle', which was a children's show. So somebody asked me, 'Do you feel this?' I said yeah, and it's the truth,' he shared.
Reflecting on why he and his wife, actress Kirron Kher, didn't have children of their own, Anupam said it wasn't a conscious decision at first. 'So it didn't happen at first. Kirron could not conceive it, and then once she conceived, she had to… sort of… it was not growing in the right manner. I was too busy making it big. I was too busy aur Sikander acha… abhi bhi acha hai Sikander mere liye. He was 4 when he came into my life, when I married Kirron so I never felt anything missing,' he said.
Yet, with age, his perspective shifted. 'I said yeah, and it's the truth,' he reiterated, acknowledging the space that remains, even after years of embracing his role as a stepfather.
Psychologist Raashi Gurnani tells indianexpress.com, 'As a psychologist, I've often seen that the absence of a biological child can stir a deep emotional impact later in life, even when someone has embraced a parental role in other ways. This often stems from existential grief, a subtle but profound sense of loss that surfaces as individuals reflect on legacy, identity, and mortality. The biological bond, while not the only measure of parenthood, carries psychological weight in how some individuals define their sense of continuity or connection. Even in loving step-parent dynamics, there can be moments of ambiguous loss — the quiet, undefined grief for something that never materialised but was deeply hoped for.'
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According to Gurnani, it's more common than we acknowledge for men to experience delayed emotional processing around parenthood, especially in cultures where emotional expression is less encouraged among men.
'Early adulthood and midlife often demand heavy focus on career or external achievements, leading to the suppression or postponement of personal desires like having children. As life slows down and reflections deepen, many men encounter retrospective longing, a wistful recognition of missed personal milestones. The grief here isn't always dramatic; it can manifest as quiet sadness, unspoken regrets, or feelings of incompleteness,' states the expert.
For those who couldn't have biological children, emotional healing is possible through meaning-making, the psychological process of reinterpreting life experiences in a way that fosters peace.
'Generativity, a concept developed by Erik Erikson, emphasises contributing to the well-being of future generations in ways beyond biology, such as mentoring or creating lasting work. Therapy, especially narrative or acceptance-based approaches, can support individuals in integrating this aspect of their life story with compassion rather than regret. Ultimately, emotional fulfillment can still be found through chosen bonds and purposeful living,' concludes Gurnani.
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