Leadership Is Not a Popularity Contest!
Most leadership advice focuses on influence, vision, and communication—but few talk about one of the hardest parts: being rejected, criticized, or misunderstood.
Nobody wants to feel rejected in their personal life, not to mention professional life, where we mostly need to feel in control. Social rejection hits hard because 'our need to belong' is primal. In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, belonging is the third level in the pyramid, sitting above physiological needs (like food and shelter) and safety needs (like job security and personal safety), and just below esteem and self-actualization.
This level represents our innate desire to connect with others—to feel accepted, cared for, and part of something larger than ourselves. It's about all our social and close relationships, including workplace camaraderie. In simple words, we are wired to care about belonging.
Now, if we want to dive scientifically deeper, from an evolutionary standpoint, being excluded from the group once meant danger or even death. So even a small 'cold shoulder' or disagreement can feel threatening. That's how our brain, which has one ultimate mission: to protect us and help us survive, was programmed through all these centuries.
A UCLA study, led by Naomi Eisenberger and Matthew Lieberman, used fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) to explore what happens in the brain when people experience social rejection. It concludes these two key findings:
Social exclusion activated the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC)—the same region of the brain that processes physical pain.
The right ventral prefrontal cortex, which helps regulate pain distress, was also activated—suggesting the brain was trying to cope.
So, it's not just in our heads. It literally HURTS!.
Although we always step forward first as leaders and mostly for ideas or contexts that might sound insane, exaggerated, or too bold, we need to understand that 'not every no is personal'. It could be just their natural human reaction, like our reaction to rejection. From a psychological perspective, rejection might come from 3 main areas: ego protection, fear of change, or loss of control.
Always remember, sometimes it's not about you. It's about the story they're telling themselves. It's about their past experience, their biases, and their insecurities.
Thus, whenever you see leadership content that tells you that ' If people don't like you, they won't follow you,' it's time to rethink the sources that promote such ideas. Because this kind of myth that has been implanted in the heads of a lot of emerging leaders creates a dangerous leadership trap. That's why we witness leaders who are sacrificing truth, clarity, and accountability for the sake of maintaining harmony and good feelings.
In his book 'Authentic Leadership' and later work at Harvard Business School, Bill George emphasizes that leaders who are true to themselves, who act on their core values and maintain consistency between words and actions, earn deeper trust. He argues that likeability can be fleeting, especially when it conflicts with doing what's right or making tough calls. Also, he believes that authentic leaders are transparent, self-aware, and purpose-driven, which fosters long-term followership and credibility.
Now, you might be asking yourself: how can I balance being authentic without getting enemies all through the way?.
The answer is: Healthy Boundaries.
Focusing on just receiving love and applause will most likely lead you to burnout, delayed decision making, and weakened team effectiveness, let alone losing your people's trust. On the other side lie healthy boundaries that protect your mental health and build mutual respect. You're not a bad leader for saying no. You're a clear one. And clarity is one of the highest forms of kindness and respect—both for your team and yourself. BUT how you say no is the skill that you need to master as a leader. Let me give you three quick tips to do so:
Say no without an apology or drama: Avoid overjustifying. The more you explain, the more it sounds negotiable. You are not in a weak position here.
Discuss the idea, not the person: Whenever your brain says 'you are mean!' remember that you're not rejecting the person, you're protecting the system.
Introduce alternatives (when possible): You can help in different ways. There are always ways to walk around and get things done.
Conclusion:
When guilt knocks on your door, pause, take a deep breath, and analyze the situation. Is it your survival instinct? Is it them projecting their own stories on you? Or is it a true constructive feedback that needs to be considered for the benefit of all?
In all cases, keep in mind that love isn't the answer here. It's respect, trust, and authenticity because leadership isn't about being perfect. It's about showing up with courage, consistency, and emotional maturity—even when it's uncomfortable.
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Have you ever felt anxiously judged when the only answer you got in the room was a no or silence, in the best case? Most leadership advice focuses on influence, vision, and communication—but few talk about one of the hardest parts: being rejected, criticized, or misunderstood. Nobody wants to feel rejected in their personal life, not to mention professional life, where we mostly need to feel in control. Social rejection hits hard because 'our need to belong' is primal. In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, belonging is the third level in the pyramid, sitting above physiological needs (like food and shelter) and safety needs (like job security and personal safety), and just below esteem and self-actualization. This level represents our innate desire to connect with others—to feel accepted, cared for, and part of something larger than ourselves. It's about all our social and close relationships, including workplace camaraderie. In simple words, we are wired to care about belonging. 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That's why we witness leaders who are sacrificing truth, clarity, and accountability for the sake of maintaining harmony and good feelings. In his book 'Authentic Leadership' and later work at Harvard Business School, Bill George emphasizes that leaders who are true to themselves, who act on their core values and maintain consistency between words and actions, earn deeper trust. He argues that likeability can be fleeting, especially when it conflicts with doing what's right or making tough calls. Also, he believes that authentic leaders are transparent, self-aware, and purpose-driven, which fosters long-term followership and credibility. Now, you might be asking yourself: how can I balance being authentic without getting enemies all through the way?. The answer is: Healthy Boundaries. Focusing on just receiving love and applause will most likely lead you to burnout, delayed decision making, and weakened team effectiveness, let alone losing your people's trust. On the other side lie healthy boundaries that protect your mental health and build mutual respect. You're not a bad leader for saying no. You're a clear one. And clarity is one of the highest forms of kindness and respect—both for your team and yourself. BUT how you say no is the skill that you need to master as a leader. Let me give you three quick tips to do so: Say no without an apology or drama: Avoid overjustifying. The more you explain, the more it sounds negotiable. You are not in a weak position here. Discuss the idea, not the person: Whenever your brain says 'you are mean!' remember that you're not rejecting the person, you're protecting the system. Introduce alternatives (when possible): You can help in different ways. There are always ways to walk around and get things done. Conclusion: When guilt knocks on your door, pause, take a deep breath, and analyze the situation. Is it your survival instinct? Is it them projecting their own stories on you? 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