Is my boyfriend a freak, or is his kink simply too freaky for me?
DEAR DEIDRE: I'VE always liked a bit of rough, but I think my latest boyfriend's preferences may be too extreme for me.
When he first told me he was into CBT I thought he was talking about counselling. Then it quickly became apparent that he wanted me to kick him in the balls.
We've been together for four months and our sex life has been so exciting. He loves me dressing up in sexy underwear and high heels.
The first time he asked me to dominate him was thrilling. I walked all over his back - in my stilettos and afterwards we had the most intense sex I've ever experienced.
I knew I was in for a kinky ride the first time I saw him naked. He has a ring at the end of his penis which he told me would give me the best orgasms of my life - he wasn't wrong.
I'm 44 and he's 46 and we get on just as well out of the bedroom as inside it.
The attraction between us is insane but I'm concerned I've reached my limit since he explained he wants me to hurt him down below.
I mean how do you get pleasure from that?
He says he's had two relationships where his exes were happy to participate and that they enjoyed the sense of dominance and control.
He's asked me to try it just once to see if it is for me but I'm too nervous to even go there.
What if I seriously injure him? I know he says there is a strong bond between pleasure and pain but his requests are making me feel extremely uneasy.
He has lived with anxiety his whole life and says that letting go in the bedroom is one of the few pleasures that give him a real break.
So far I've avoided what he calls 'ball play' but I can tell he's not going to let up.
What should I do? Give it a chance or run for the hills?
DEIDRE SAYS: To start off no one should do anything sexually they are not comfortable with.
So if this suggestion is something that churns your stomach and you simply can't face it then you need to be honest with your boyfriend.
Discuss if there is a compromise. You clearly have a lively sex life as it stands. Does he need this to get satisfaction or is it simply an option he enjoys?
Ball play is better known than you may realise. And while of course there are obvious dangers, devotees say they experience intense pleasure from the practice.
For some CBT is about constriction of the penis or testicles, for others it's about inflicting pain on the penis or testicles.
If you decide you do want to try the practice, be very clear about your limits and ask him about his.
Make sure you have safe words and go slowly to begin with and carefully monitor any reactions.
Dear Deidre's Fetish Files
Deidre's mailbag is bursting with kinky sex problems.
And one woman discovered her husband's affair with a woman on a fetish website.
Ask me and my counsellors anything
Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page or email us at:
deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Independent
24 minutes ago
- The Independent
Tesco launches limited-edition birthday cake sandwich inspired by Victoria sponge: ‘Get it while you can'
A brand new limited-edition sandwich launched by Tesco has divided opinions as the supermarket giant tells shoppers to 'get it while you can'. The Birthday Cake sandwich has been launched for four weeks in 1,000 locations across the UK. It can be purchased alone for £3, or as part of Tesco's popular meal deal offer for £4 alongside a drink and snack (£3.60 for clubcard members). It has been released to mark the 30th anniversary of the launch of the Tesco Clubcard, the retailer says. The sandwich 's ingredients bear resemblance to a Victoria sponge – a popular birthday cake option. Between two slices of brioche-style white bread, it contains full-fat soft cheese, seedless strawberry jam, sprinkles, and vanilla frosting. Tesco says the sandwich was developed over the course of nine months by its innovation team, describing it as 'an all time favourite treat, in an all time favourite deal.' Nutritional information for the sandwich shows that it contains 515 calories with 8.4g saturated fat (42 per cent of an adult's reference intake) and 31.5g sugar (35 per cent of reference intake). The intriguing product from Tesco comes after the success of M&S's strawberries and cream sandwich which was a viral sensation in June, becoming the supermarket 's best-selling sandwich in the two days after its launch. It was inspired by the popular Japanese 'furutsu sando,' which sees fruit fillings and cream put between two slices of pillowy milk bread. Tesco's new birthday cake-flavour offering is less precedented, however, and has seen shoppers divided. Popular Manchester-based food reviewer John's Snack Reviews (@johns_snackreviews) told his 26,000 followers that they should 'run to Tesco' after he tried the sandwich – but others are less convinced. Meanwhile, online creator Bella Hill (@ said the sandwich's filling looks like 'coleslaw,' before telling her 125,000 followers 'no, don't do that.' However, she then admitted the aftertaste 'wasn't too bad,' comparing it to a Victoria sponge cake. Another reviewer, @tipscostoflivingcrisis, told his 102k followers: 'This isn't good for you at all, but everyone deserves a treat now and again.' After trying it, he described it as 'disgustingly tasty.' Violaine Barthe, brand manager at Tesco said: 'With 3.1 million sandwiches sold in Tesco each year, sandwiches make up a big proportion of Clubcard purchases and so there was only one way to celebrate Clubcard turning 30. 'The Birthday Cake sandwich is a celebration not to be missed and we can't wait to hear the nation's feedback.'
The Sun
25 minutes ago
- The Sun
COPY OF Aries weekly horoscope: What your star sign has in store for August 3
OUR much-loved astrologer Meg sadly died in 2023 but her column will be kept alive by her friend and protégé Maggie Innes. Read on to see what's written in the stars for you today. Sign up for the Mystic Meg newsletter. Your info will be used in accordance with our Privacy Policy. ARIES MARCH 21 - APRIL 20 1 Your Mars self comes to the fore, and you can be more masterful in every situation, especially when it comes to deals or decisions. Maybe everything won't go your way all at once, but you can make a start, and make your mark. If you're in love, a full moon of celebrity influence finds luscious links with a famous couple. If you're single, The One wears silver. DESTINY DAYS Need support? Reach out on Tuesday. But stand alone on Friday. Sunday works well for sampling fresh fashion colors and styles. LUCKY LINKS A location famous for music. Six-letter names. Numbers that link you to 'R'. MARS MOMENTUM No bond, however ambitious or outrageous it may seem, is out of your emotional orbit, as Mars takes strong root in your relationship sector. Instead of watching and waiting, or trying the subtle approach, you can be upfront and audacious, and say out loud every desire you've been holding in your heart. If you are honest with yourself, you do know certain connections have become strained these past few weeks. You don't need to end these, but some tough talking, and well-planned steps, could transform them. Your ruler Mars supports you until late September to pioneer this process. Fabulous is the home of horoscopes, with weekly updates on what's in store for your star sign as well as daily predictions.
The Sun
25 minutes ago
- The Sun
COPY OF Taurus weekly horoscope: What your star sign has in store for August 3
OUR much-loved astrologer Meg sadly died in 2023 but her column will be kept alive by her friend and protégé Maggie Innes. Read on to see what's written in the stars for you today. Sign up for the Mystic Meg newsletter. Your info will be used in accordance with our Privacy Policy. TAURUS APRIL 21 - MAY 21 1 Your work personality is overdue a revamp, and this can be the week. A time of staying quiet when you really want, and need, to speak is over, and you are ready to risk more, to gain more. But beware of taking unnecessary health risks, when all you may need is a little more time. Venus favours talk over action, so do give any partner enough space to find the right words. DESTINY DAYS A colleague's, or classmate's, special anniversary. On Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning, firm up financial plans. Check junk mail on Saturday for a potential surprise. LUCKY LINKS Lavender shades. Fabric patterned with celestial shapes. Handwriting that's hard to read. MARS MOMENTUM Ambitious work and health promises to yourself are your prime Mars move until September 22. Because right now, you have the positive fire and determination to power through. People around you can sense this, and offer support, instead of silence, or sabotage. Maybe bad habits feel like a comfort blanket, but upfront Mars helps you see them for what they really are, and start setting yourself free. You take control of your own mind, and your own heart, to say no if necessary, and stick to it. Fabulous is the home of horoscopes, with weekly updates on what's in store for your star sign as well as daily predictions.
