After a rift and a breakdown, sister-in-law wants to rebuild relationship
Get Love Letters: The Newsletter
A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more.
Enter Email
Sign Up
Based on previous patterns of behavior, I know that it's just a matter of time before my husband is told either by Betty or their parents that she's hurt that I'm not reciprocating. I know I will be asked why and feel pressured to make more of an effort.
Advertisement
How do I set a boundary and explain that I'm not interested in restoring this relationship right now, without further complicating the situation?
NOT READY TO MAKE NICE
A.
Being proactive will really help you and Betty here. Reach out to Betty first and tell her that you've noticed (and perhaps appreciate) her desire to rekindle a friendship and you want to acknowledge that. Then let her know that you're still in a tough place and that you just don't have a lot of capacity.
Advertisement
This is a little more 'it's not you, it's me' than I'd like, but what seems most important is that you right-size Betty's expectations before this becomes a family issue. Acknowledging her efforts keeps her feelings from getting hurt, and being honest about what you can and can't offer right now saves you from having to reject her outright.
It also gives her useful information that will, ideally, help her be a better friend. Hopefully, she's self-aware enough to be able to hear what you're asking for. Sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is give us space and the most loving thing we can do is ask for it.
Q.
Regarding your response to 'What to Say,' who didn't know how to address a friend's Ozempic weight loss: A couple of years ago, I lost about 60 pounds by sticking to a very strict diet (something I will never do again, it was that unpleasant and detrimental to my quality of life). I was astounded when nobody appeared to notice. Well, at least they didn't say that they noticed.
So after all that I suffered for that result, I was actually kind of hurt. A 'You look great' comment would have been much more than enough, and much better than nothing at all.
Now, after gaining all that weight back due to not being able to continually and severely restrict my diet, I am using semaglutide. If and when it is as successful, I hope that somebody notices and mentions it in one way or the other.
Advertisement
I don't know too many people who would be offended by a 'You look great' comment.
LOOKING GREAT
A.
The issue isn't so much offense, per se, so much as making a statement that isn't received as a compliment. While some might receive such a comment in the spirit given, others might not want friends or strangers commenting on their bodies, or they might have complicated feelings about their journeys, or they might have lost weight unwillingly, as through illness.
I gave the advice I did not to have everyone walking around on eggshells, but to remind folks that we don't always know what's going on in people's lives or minds.
This is also true in your case — you wanted a compliment, and you didn't receive one and those around you didn't sense that. Sometimes, I find that a desire to be complimented is wrapped up in a desire to be more authentic with those around us.
Do you, perhaps, have an opportunity to share your pride at your accomplishment with a friend or loved one? Or even share the good parts and the frustrating aspects of the journey you're on?
It's not bragging to say, 'I'm doing this thing for me and I'm really happy with it.' And doing so extends an invitation for others to celebrate with you in the way that you want to be celebrated.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Boston Globe
19 hours ago
- Boston Globe
Adult children object to parents' burial plans
I have a cemetery plot out of state with my deceased wife. My wife has a local plot with her deceased husband. I would like to get a new plot for the two of us but expect that any such request would receive pushback and be ignored. My wife's mother is buried with her second husband using her last name at the time of her death, and her father is buried with a subsequent wife. So there is precedent for what I want but I know her daughter would require that her mother be buried next to her father. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up How do I get what I want? Advertisement I have not discussed any of this with my wife. If I did and she brought it up with her daughter the reaction would be for the daughter to express her displeasure by keeping the grandchildren from my wife. She has done that for less. If I am to get a plot, I should do that sooner rather than later as they are in short supply. While living I would feel great joy if I could know that I could count on being buried beside my wife for all of eternity. Advertisement Am I being silly to not just take the easy route? BURIAL CONFLICT A. You have every right to make a burial plan that suits your life and your love. And — this might be controversial — you don't have to tell your kids. If you have virtually no relationship as it is, you certainly don't need to bend to their wishes. It seems there's no pleasing them, anyway. In general, it's better to communicate about final wishes and plans for one's end-of-life in advance. This helps intentions to be understood and gets questions answered while you're still around to answer them. But the conflict that's roiling your family complicates things. Without knowing more about the circumstances of your marriage, I can't say your kids are completely wrong, but the punishment you mentioned is more than concerning. Perhaps they're struggling with acceptance because of unprocessed grief, perhaps there's something else going on that I'm not privy, too. Either way, the stated conditions dictate that the burial conversation should happen only between you and your wife right now. Once you're both on the same page, you'll know what the next step is. That might mean purchasing a joint plot that makes you happy and appointing someone other than one of your kids as executor. (That last part is probably wise regardless.) There would still be a lot of complications, of course. Namely, one of you will predecease the other and at that point, presumably, the kids would find out the plan. So, while you are working on doing what brings you joy, I'd also encourage you to get down to the root of what's going on with your kids. Advertisement Q. I have a few words of encouragement for the young lady whose grandmother had developed dementia ('Loving Granddaughter'). My mom passed away 20 years ago from Parkinson's disease and dementia. I am in my late 70s now, but I remember my experience like it was yesterday. This loving granddaughter should visit her grandma as much as possible. Take that time to learn all about her grandma. Talk with her and ask a lot of questions about her life. While mom was alive, we thanked God for the time she spent with us. Her life was much more interesting and fascinating than I ever knew. Her childhood, her adolescence, her marriage to my dad, their families, the world during her life, and much more. It gave me great insight into mom's thoughts, life, and her dreams. Interestingly, the staff at the nursing home told us that we were quite unusual in visiting mom every day because many families never visit their elders but rather dump them off and leave them. Embrace this time and give thanks that you have this time with her before she is gone. God bless this young lady for caring for her grandma so much. LOVING SON A. This is wonderful advice. Many readers responded to the letter in similar ways. Others suggested using photo albums or music to start conversations or pull back older memories, which may be more graspable to more recent events. One reader also suggested the book 'Creating Moments of Joy' by Jolene Brackey. I've found it to be a wonderful resource. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Chicago Tribune
5 days ago
- Chicago Tribune
Asking Eric: Jealousy between sister-in-laws
Dear Eric: I'm close friends with one of my sisters-in-law but not the other, Betty. Betty and I used to be close until jealousy came between us. She was jealous that her brother and I were the first to get married, have kids and reach other milestones. She is also very sensitive, so I've felt like I need to walk on eggshells, especially after she confided to my husband that she thinks I complain too much. In short, I don't feel like I can share my joys or my struggles with her. I am cordial toward her, but I do not make an effort beyond being polite and kind. I've been going through an intense period of stress and burnout for almost two years. A few months ago, I had a mental breakdown. Since then, Betty has made several attempts at rekindling our former friendship. I haven't reciprocated. Mentally and emotionally, I am still very burned out and I don't have the emotional energy to restore a complicated friendship. Based on previous patterns of behavior, I know that it's just a matter of time before my husband is told either by Betty or their parents that she's hurt that I'm not reciprocating. I know I will be asked why and feel pressured to make more of an effort. How do I set a boundary and explain that I'm not interested in restoring this relationship right now, without further complicating the situation? – Not Ready to Make Nice Dear Not Ready: Being proactive will really help you and Betty here. Reach out to Betty first and tell her that you've noticed (and perhaps appreciate) her desire to rekindle a friendship and you want to acknowledge that. Then let her know that you're still in a tough place and that you just don't have a lot of capacity. This is a little more 'it's not you, it's me' than I'd like, but what seems most important is that you right-size Betty's expectations before this becomes a family issue. Acknowledging her efforts keeps her feelings from getting hurt, and being honest about what you can and can't offer right now saves you from having to reject her outright. It also gives her useful information that will, ideally, help her be a better friend. Hopefully, she's self-aware enough to be able to hear what you're asking for. Sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is give us space and the most loving thing we can do is ask for it. Dear Eric: Regarding your response to 'What to Say', who didn't know how to address a friend's Ozempic weight loss: A couple of years ago, I lost about 60 pounds by sticking to a very strict diet (something I will never do again, it was that unpleasant and detrimental to my quality of life). I was astounded when nobody appeared to notice. Well, at least they didn't say that they noticed. So, after all that I suffered for that result, I was actually kind of hurt. A 'You look great' comment would have been much more than enough, and much better than nothing at all. Now, after gaining all that weight back due to not being able to continually and severely restrict my diet, I am using semaglutide. If and when it is as successful, I hope that somebody notices and mentions it in one way or the other. I don't know too many people who would be offended by a 'You look great' comment. – Looking Great Dear Great: The issue isn't so much offense, per se, so much as making a statement that isn't received as a compliment. While some might receive such a comment in the spirit given, others might not want friends or strangers commenting on their bodies, or they might have complicated feelings about their journeys, or they might have lost weight unwillingly, as through illness. I gave the advice I did not to have everyone walking around on eggshells, but to remind folks that we don't always know what's going on in people's lives or minds. This is also true in your case – you wanted a compliment, and you didn't receive one and those around you didn't sense that. Sometimes, I find that a desire to be complimented is wrapped up in a desire to be more authentic with those around us. Do you, perhaps, have an opportunity to share your pride at your accomplishment with a friend or loved one? Or even share the good parts and the frustrating aspects of the journey you're on? It's not bragging to say, 'I'm doing this thing for me and I'm really happy with it.' And doing so extends an invitation for others to celebrate with you in the way that you want to be celebrated.
Boston Globe
5 days ago
- Boston Globe
After a rift and a breakdown, sister-in-law wants to rebuild relationship
I've been going through an intense period of stress and burnout for almost two years. A few months ago, I had a mental breakdown. Since then, Betty has made several attempts at rekindling our former friendship. I haven't reciprocated. Mentally and emotionally, I am still very burned out and I don't have the emotional energy to restore a complicated friendship. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up Based on previous patterns of behavior, I know that it's just a matter of time before my husband is told either by Betty or their parents that she's hurt that I'm not reciprocating. I know I will be asked why and feel pressured to make more of an effort. Advertisement How do I set a boundary and explain that I'm not interested in restoring this relationship right now, without further complicating the situation? NOT READY TO MAKE NICE A. Being proactive will really help you and Betty here. Reach out to Betty first and tell her that you've noticed (and perhaps appreciate) her desire to rekindle a friendship and you want to acknowledge that. Then let her know that you're still in a tough place and that you just don't have a lot of capacity. Advertisement This is a little more 'it's not you, it's me' than I'd like, but what seems most important is that you right-size Betty's expectations before this becomes a family issue. Acknowledging her efforts keeps her feelings from getting hurt, and being honest about what you can and can't offer right now saves you from having to reject her outright. It also gives her useful information that will, ideally, help her be a better friend. Hopefully, she's self-aware enough to be able to hear what you're asking for. Sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is give us space and the most loving thing we can do is ask for it. Q. Regarding your response to 'What to Say,' who didn't know how to address a friend's Ozempic weight loss: A couple of years ago, I lost about 60 pounds by sticking to a very strict diet (something I will never do again, it was that unpleasant and detrimental to my quality of life). I was astounded when nobody appeared to notice. Well, at least they didn't say that they noticed. So after all that I suffered for that result, I was actually kind of hurt. A 'You look great' comment would have been much more than enough, and much better than nothing at all. Now, after gaining all that weight back due to not being able to continually and severely restrict my diet, I am using semaglutide. If and when it is as successful, I hope that somebody notices and mentions it in one way or the other. Advertisement I don't know too many people who would be offended by a 'You look great' comment. LOOKING GREAT A. The issue isn't so much offense, per se, so much as making a statement that isn't received as a compliment. While some might receive such a comment in the spirit given, others might not want friends or strangers commenting on their bodies, or they might have complicated feelings about their journeys, or they might have lost weight unwillingly, as through illness. I gave the advice I did not to have everyone walking around on eggshells, but to remind folks that we don't always know what's going on in people's lives or minds. This is also true in your case — you wanted a compliment, and you didn't receive one and those around you didn't sense that. Sometimes, I find that a desire to be complimented is wrapped up in a desire to be more authentic with those around us. Do you, perhaps, have an opportunity to share your pride at your accomplishment with a friend or loved one? Or even share the good parts and the frustrating aspects of the journey you're on? It's not bragging to say, 'I'm doing this thing for me and I'm really happy with it.' And doing so extends an invitation for others to celebrate with you in the way that you want to be celebrated. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
