36 Incredibly Stupid Jokes That You'll Hate Yourself For Laughing At (And Even More For Retelling Later)

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5 days ago

Over on Quora, people are sharing their absolute favorite stupid joke — you know, the kind that makes you laugh even though you know you shouldn't. Did I laugh at these? Yes. Yes, I did. What? You think they've got Mensa members working here at BuzzFeed?
Anyway, here are the funniest ones:
1."I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, 'Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?'"
—Yvette R., Quora
2."A man decides to become a monk. He meets with the head monk, who tells him, 'If you agree to enter here, you must take a vow of silence. After each year, you are allowed to speak just two words.' The man agrees and becomes a monk. A year later, he goes in to see the administrator. 'Bed hard,' the man says. The administrator nods and sends him away. Another year passes. The man returns. 'Food cold,' he says. The administrator nods and sends him away. A year later, the man comes in and says, 'I quit.' The administrator replies, 'I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here.'"
—Mike B., Quora
3."A BOOB, a VAGINA, and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all."
"BOOB: 'I give milk to newborn babies, and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.'
VAGINA: 'That's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.'
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!"
—Shreya T., Quora
4."I went to the doctors and got a vasectomy because I didn't want kids. When I got home they were still there."
—Comedian Bob Mortimer (via Max W., Quora)
Related:
5."There was an old priest who got tired of hearing confessions about adultery. One Sunday, he said, 'If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'm quitting!' So the parishioners started using a code word: Instead of saying they'd committed adultery, they'd say they had 'fallen.' The system worked fine — until the priest passed away and a new one arrived. A week in, the new priest visited the mayor, very concerned, and said, 'You need to fix the sidewalks. People keep coming in saying they've fallen.' The mayor laughed, realizing the misunderstanding — but before he could explain, the priest said, 'I don't know why you're laughing. Your wife fell three times this week.'"
—Victor K., Quora
6."What did O say to Q? 'Hey, put that thing back into your trousers!'"
—Girish D.S., Quora
7."A ditz walks into a library and says, 'Hi! I'd like a hamburger, large fry, and a Coke.' The librarian replies, 'Ma'am…this is a library.' The ditz laughs and says, 'Oh I'm sorry! Silly me.' She then leans toward the librarian and whispers, 'I'd like to order a hamburger…a large fry…..and a Coke.'"
—Sean K., Quora
8."What is the best day to have a parade? March 4th."
—Colette, Quora
9."A pirate walks into a bar. He has a huge steering wheel sticking out of his pants. He orders a beer. The bartender pours his beer, slides it over, and then just has to ask: 'Um sir, couldn't help but notice, but…are you aware that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?' The pirate says, 'Aye, matey! I knows! And it's driving me nuts!'"
—Sasquatch, Quora
10."Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy calls 911 and gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence on the line, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, 'OK, now what?'"
—Matan S., Quora
11."It's really confusing when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus."
—Layth B., Quora
12."Why is it terrible to be a penis? Because your nearest neighbor is an asshole, your two best friends are nuts, and you throw up when you get excited."
—Nicki G., Quora
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13."A man walks into a bar and pauses — at the far end, there's a guy with a big orange head, just sitting there, staring into his drink. He asks the bartender, 'Hey, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?' The bartender replies, 'It's a wild story. Buy him a drink, maybe he'll tell you.' So the man walks over, introduces himself, and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, 'Yeah, I bet you want to hear the story, huh?' The man says, 'Sure, if you don't mind.''
"The guy sighs. 'You know, I've gone over it a million times. Basically, I was walking on the beach one day when I stubbed my toe on something. Looked down — it was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up, dusted it off — and suddenly, this enormous genie bursts out.'
He thunders, 'You have freed me from my ten-thousand-year imprisonment. I grant you three wishes in return.'
The man at the bar leans in, listening.
The guy goes on: 'So I said, "Okay, first wish — I want to be fantastically wealthy."'
'The genie says, "Done." And boom — I've got rings on every finger, a crown on my head, my wallet's stuffed with cash, dozens of ATM cards, and a mansion in the hills. I was loaded.'
'For my second wish, I told him I wanted to marry the most beautiful woman in the world. The genie says, "Granted." The ocean parts, and out walks this stunning woman in a flowing dress. She takes my hand, we fall in love instantly, and the genie marries us right there on the beach. Unreal.'
He takes a sip of his beer. 'Then the genie says, "You have one wish left."'
The guy with the big orange head pauses. 'Now...this may be where I went wrong.'
He sighs.
'I wished for a big orange head.'"
—Robby G., Quora
14."Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because gorillas have big fingers."
—Betsy M., Quora
15."The word 'Diputseromneve' may look ridiculous, but backwards it's even more stupid."
—Chintan S., Quora
16."A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner — her first time meeting them, and she's very nervous. As they sit down to eat, the nerves and broccoli casserole start to hit. The gas pains are brutal. Trying to ease the pressure, she lets out a dainty little fart. Not loud, but definitely noticeable. Before she can panic, the boyfriend's dad glances at the dog lying under the table and says sternly, 'Skippy!''
"Relieved, she smiles. A few minutes later, the pressure returns. She lets out a louder, longer fart.
'Dammit, Skippy!' the dad snaps again. She grins — this is working!
A few minutes after that, she lets one rip that could wake the dead.
The dad slams his fork down and yells, 'Dammit, Skippy — get away from her before she shits on you!'"
—Abhinav S., Quora
17."What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you? A stick."
—David D., Quora
18."An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm sample. The doctor handed him a jar and said, 'Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.' The next day, the man returned with the jar — still empty and spotless. The doctor asked what happened. The man said, 'Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried, too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'"
"The doctor, shocked, said, 'You asked your neighbor?!'"
The old man shrugged. 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open.'"
—Ashwani R., Quora
Related:
19."A guy comes home early from his job at the pickle factory. His wife says, 'What the hell are you doing home at 1 in the afternoon?'"
''I got fired,' he says.
'Fired? For what?'
'I got caught with my dick in the pickle slicer.'
She stares at him, shocked. 'Oh my God…what happened to the pickle slicer?'
'She got fired, too.''
—Vic C., Quora
20."A sister rushed over to her sister's home, clearly distraught. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'Your beloved cat was run over and killed.' The other sister was shocked. 'How could you just blurt that out? No warning, no buildup — just, 'Your cat is dead'?"
"The first sister asked, 'Well…what should I have said?'
The cat's owner replied, 'Maybe ease into it. Start with something like, 'Your cat was on the roof, and then…' You know — work up to it.' The sister nodded, feeling a little guilty, and left.
A few weeks later, she stopped by again. Over coffee, she casually said, 'Oh, by the way… Mom was on the roof...'"
—Joni N., Quora
21."Stanley the Snail walks into a car dealership and picks out a nice subcompact. During the sales negotiations, Stanley says, 'I want a giant "S" painted on the sides and hood of the car.' The puzzled salesperson asks, 'Why would you want giant S's painted on a brand new car? Is it because your name is Stanley?' Stanley replies, 'No. When I'm driving down the road, I want everyone to say 'Look at that S car go!''
—Chuck C., Quora
22."A married man is at the bar and accidentally spills his drink all over himself. He freaks out because his wife didn't want him to go to the bar, so his buddy tells him to go to the ATM and take out $20, then put it in his shirt pocket. If his wife asks about his shirt, tell her that someone spilled their drink on him and gave him $20 to get it cleaned."
"Later, the man goes home, and his wife greets him at the door. He tells her the story as he rehearsed it, that someone spilled their drink on him and gave him $20 to get his shirt cleaned and hands his wife the money.
The wife looks at the money and says, 'You said $20, but there's $40 here.'
To which the husband replies, 'Yeah, he also shit my pants.'"
—C Kado, Quora
23."Rocky was a little slow, but his mother's cousin's brother needed a favor, so county supervisor Bubba Joe hired him to paint the stripes on the road heading north out of town. Rocky was thrilled to have a real job and promised to work hard. On day one, Rocky painted two miles. 'Ya done real good, Rocky,' Bubba Joe said."
"On day two, Rocky painted just one mile.
'That's okay,' Bubba Joe said, a little unsure.
On day three, Rocky only managed half a mile. Bubba Joe called him in and said, 'Rocky, what's the problem?'
Rocky scratched his head and replied, 'Well, Bubba Joe…it just keeps gettin' farther and farther back to the paint can.''
—Corrie B., Quora
24."Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two-tired."
—S. Sowmya, Quora
If you're still in the mood for more stupidly funny jokes, here's some from our own BuzzFeed Community:
25."A man walks into the therapist's office and says, 'I think I might be a dog.' The therapist offers him a seat, and the man responds, 'Oh I'm not allowed on the furniture.'"
—leslie12345
26."My parrot recently died. Its last words were, 'Fuck, I think my parrot's about to die.'"
—indy1989
27."My favorite joke of all time: A man goes to the zoo, but there's only one animal there. The animal is a dog. It's a Shih Tzu."
—sewskilled
Related:
28."An elephant walked up to a man on a nudist beach and asked, 'How do you eat with that?'"
—chi_liete
29."Three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park. A completely naked man runs past them. Two of them had a stroke. One wasn't fast enough."
—mostlyharmless42
30."A lady goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of her knickers. The doctor says, 'Oh, this is a strange one.' ... The lady says, 'And that's just the tip of the iceberg.''
—loz1986
31."Has your doctor talked to you about the benefits of adding dried fruit to your diet? I'm just raisin awareness."
—goldenlion71
32."What do you call a guy laying by the door? Matt. What do you call a guy hanging on the wall? Art. What do you call a guy floating in a pool? Bob. And my favorite: What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head? Cliff!"
—crookedflowers
33."What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste."
—jillievanilli
34."My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeean."
—flightforvanity
35."A magician was walking down the street and turned into a drug store."
—jmacxjr
36."Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other, 'Wow, it's hot in here!' The other muffin says, 'Hey, a talking muffin!'"
—leslie12345
Got a favorite stupid joke? Tell us in the comments or via the anonymous form below and it could be featured in a future BuzzFeed post!
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