Mother can't accept daughter's unambitious husband
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She tells me he is a lot like me and that makes me furious. She says it makes him sad to know I don't love him. She and I have had lots of talks about him as I have been too blunt on occasion. I told her that I would try to see him as she does but I just can't seem to get past the fact he is lazy and entitled.
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I think it would be best if he and I sat down and talked but I am afraid he will go back to her with bad information. Please help me work through this.
WORRIED MOM
A.
Listen to what she's actually telling you: She loves her husband, she loves you, and your critiques are creating an issue where there isn't one.
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Your laundry list of complaints about her husband are your complaints, not hers. Yes, he has some growing to do. But I struggle to see what's so egregious that your daughter should, what, get a divorce?
We can express opinions to loved ones, respectfully and when asked for, but — absent conditions of neglect, abuse, or illegal behavior — let people do what they want to do with their love lives.
I don't see anything that indicates your daughter is asking you for help out of this situation. In fact, it sounds like she's having talks with you because your bluntness has become a problem.
So, it's not a good idea for you to sit down and talk with him. It doesn't sound like you want to build a relationship with this person. It sounds like you want to excoriate him. Instead, start by respecting the choice that your daughter made and respecting the fact that you don't know everything about what's going on inside of this marriage.
Q.
My husband and I have been married for 47 years. He walks very fast and refuses to slow down to walk with me. He says I should keep up with him (even though it is hard for me to do so). He always just strides ahead. He even accuses me of slowing down on purpose.
I believe a polite, loving husband should walk beside his wife. He is clearly neither. Who is right?
WALKER
A.
Does he expect you to magically lengthen your legs? Go sprinting through airports like an Olympian? Levitate? This strikes me as rude and short-sighted (no pun intended). It's also a bit on the nose as a metaphor. People move at different speeds in relationships.
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The goal is not to force one or the other to radically change, but to find a cadence at which you can travel together comfortably.
Q.
I am writing after reading the letter about how to handle beautiful greeting cards you don't want to just throw away ('Greeting Cards'). I'd love to suggest an option that, for me, is heartwarming.
When I feel the love expressed, I turn the card over and on the back write a little note. Example: 'Dear ___, you sent me this card on my 80th birthday and it touched my heart. Thank you. (Personal note follows.) Love Forever.' Then I place the card in a folder to be distributed to the sender when I pass away.
I have an individual folder for each family member. It's my hope that they'll feel the love returned even after I am gone.
FEELING THE LOVE
A.
Oh wow! The foresight and creativity of this solution took my breath away. I simply adore this! You've created a sort of ouroboros of love, looping back on itself forever.
Others suggested that children's hospitals, senior centers, and schools may have donation programs set up for repurposing old cards.
And — important! — I used the term 'throw out' in my original answer. Let me clarify: If you're throwing the cards out, throw them in the recycling bin.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
.
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