These Parenting Styles Are Total Red Flags, According To Experts

Yahoo

26-06-2025

Over the past 25 years, there's been a palpable rise in parenting experts and trendy parenting styles. Are you a millennial who wants to avoid the helicopter parenting trap? No problem! A quick search on Instagram yields countless colorful infographics that offer the pros and cons of every parenting style, ranging from gentle to authoritative.
Except you can't parent via an Instagram carousel. A few bullet points on a Canva background leave ample room for misinterpretation. For example, you may think you're gentle parenting, when in actuality, you're engaging in permissive parenting.
'Gentle parenting should mean being kind and treating your children with respect,' said Danielle Lindner, a parent coach and founder of the London Day School in Florham Park, New Jersey. 'But what it often turns into is parents who don't hold their children accountable for anything. They don't discipline, and they don't treat their kids as intelligent human beings. Instead, they treat them like fragile flowers who can't take constructive feedback or learn from mistakes.'
Or, your attempts at authoritative parenting may indirectly turn you into an authoritarian: '[These parents] don't give their children any room to grow, no flexibility, and no autonomy,' continues Lindner. 'They control every aspect of their child's life. This type of parenting does not build respect. It doesn't help kids learn how to make decisions or feel good about themselves.'
Whether you're dealing with unresolved trauma from your own childhood or just ready to tear your hair out over your kid's latest tantrum, the structure (or non-structure) of a specific parenting style can be mighty tempting for burnt-out parents.
Adopting a single approach, however, will likely cause more harm than good: 'When you subscribe to a certain parenting style, it's as if the parent boxes themselves in,' said Polina Shkadron, a trauma-certified speech language pathologist, communication and feeding expert specializing in autism, ADHD, and ARFID, and the founder of Play to Learn Consulting in Forest Hills, New York.
HuffPost spoke with experts to identify five parenting styles that, without modification or balance, have the potential to cause long-term damage. So, before you click over to your favorite Instagram mommy account ― or run out to buy yet another book ― read on for our expert advice on these particular parenting approaches.
What it is: An emotional or psychological neglect between the parent and child. What's important to keep in mind is that dismissive or neglectful parenting is something that 'happens across the lifespan,' said licensed psychotherapist Stephanie Wijkstrom, LPC, the founder of the Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh. 'We're not just looking at young children,' she adds. Adult children can still experience this form of neglect.
Potential consequences: Parental dismissiveness can be 'subtle, and more difficult to tease out, but extremely damaging,' as it creates 'inconsistent and unstable attachment' for the child. While this may not be a purposeful 'style,' Wijkstrom offers compassion for these parents, pointing out that it's likely the result of the parent 'struggling with their own issues,' be it medical, mental-health-related, or a parent's attachment issues.
Shifting your approach: If these concerns aren't addressed early on through professional mental health treatment, this intergenerational trauma may prevent the parent from forming 'a healthy, secure attachment' to their child.
What it is: Lindner, the parent coach, touched upon this earlier, where parents, thinking they're taking a 'gentle' approach, end up creating a world of anarchy instead. 'This is the parent who maybe wants to be liked a little too much, or is a people pleaser,' Wijkstrom said. As such, they 'struggle with creating boundaries in every relationship.' When there are no boundaries in a parent-child relationship, it can cause chaos because children need clear boundaries.
Potential consequences: 'Children need natural consequences and rules to develop in a healthy way,' Wijkstrom said. If a child is raised without boundaries, they might believe their life is just one endless ice cream cone. Sure, that sounds great, but in the long term, the child 'may internalize a lack of direction and become the kid who's a failure to launch,' explains Wijkstrom.
Shifting your approach: If you think you've fallen too deeply into permissive parenting waters, it's time to reevaluate your mindset. 'Parents need to conceptualize that boundaries are a necessary part of healthy development,' advises Wijkstrom. 'They should probably take that kind of thought into all of their life's relationships and think of that as something vital to provide to their children.
What it is: Popularized by Amy Chua's 2011 memoir 'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,' tiger parenting conjures up visions of high-achieving children crushed under the pressure of unrealistic expectations. 'These kids are overscheduled and held to very high standards,' Wijkstrom said. 'And what we need to acknowledge is that a conscientious child doesn't need all of that overarching expectation.' Encouragement, support, and healthy modeling are equally effective.
Potential consequences: In the long term, tiger parenting can 'lead to anxiety, perfectionism, and low self-esteem in children,' warns Wijkstrom.
Shifting your approach: Wijkstrom encourages the parent 'to relax,' as well as reframing these 'recipes for burnout' in a way that recognizes the kids already have the tools and skills they need for success. 'Instead of pushing upper limits and expectations, think about offering more emotional support, tuning into that emotional spectrum instead of focusing on the performance,' Wijkstrom added.
What it is: Helicopter parenting evolved out of the 'latchkey kids' era, when Gen-Xers were often left to their own devices while their parents were still at work. These Gen-X kids grew up to do the exact opposite with their own children: 'They're overly involved in every aspect of their kids' lives,' explains Wijkstrom, 'and that's frustrating for the kids and the outsiders.'
Potential consequences: Helicopter parenting 'leads to a lack of independence and confidence in children,' according to Wijkstrom. While it's natural for parents to want to shield their kids from failure and hardship, their constant hovering deprives kids of vital life lessons that come from making mistakes.
'Children need to fail to develop,' Wijkstrom said. 'We have to make space for age-appropriate failures for our kids to thrive. If they don't fall, they're never going to walk.'
Shifting your approach: Wijkstrom recommends that parents step back and make that space for 'healthy failure,' as she calls it, because it's 'a good parenting tool.' By discussing these lessons together, parents can 'help their kids feel empowered' and 'know that they can make good choices.'
What it is: 'This is constant criticism in comparison to others,' explains Wijkstrom. It can also include shaming the child, she said, adding, 'Instead of focusing on correcting behaviors, [the shame] is brought about through the parents' tone, words, and actions.' Wijkstrom also highlights that this strict form of parenting can, in some cases, 'conceal certain forms of abuse.'
Potential consequences: This extremely damaging parenting style instills in children a fear of the people who are supposed to love and care for them. 'They're afraid of their parents' reactions,' Wijkstrom said. 'They end up being anxious and suffering from low self-esteem.'
Shifting your approach: Wijkstrom advises both rethinking your language, and for the parent to consider their own self-care before addressing the child: 'Speak kindly. The parent also needs to self-soothe and probably learn a lot about their emotional constitution before they provide feedback to their children.' She also recommends using strength-based approaches, focusing on the child's positive attributes instead of their weaknesses.
Not at all! Of the three parenting experts I spoke to, two immediately shared that they weren't fans of parenting styles, period, because they don't take into account that children are human beings, not automotons.
'Children are different. Situations are different. A parent's response needs to adapt based on what is happening and who their child is,' Lindner said. 'You could respond to a situation one way today and take a different approach tomorrow, and both can be the right decision.'
Above all, the goal here is 'securely attached kids and responsive parenting,' Wijkstrom said. 'Being a responsive, attuned parent means that you're tuning into your child on a daily basis, and can understand what they need,' from an emotional and psychological standpoint.
As an example of responsive, attuned parenting, Shkadron offers this scenario: 'Let's say that the team that your child is on loses.' Instead of brushing off the loss with a 'don't worry about it' or a 'next time it will be better,' she recommends talking with your child about how they feel about not winning or scoring that big goal. This is a time to sit with your child in their disappointment, rather than just moving on.
While Wijkstrom acknowledges the appeal of evidence-based parenting styles, she maintains that 'it is absolutely vital to understand how to apply that to the unique needs of your child.'
Rather than sticking to one parenting style ― even a modified version that follows Wijkstrom's recommendations ― Lindner advises 'aiming for balance.' This can mean giving your child the space to 'make safe choices, express creativity, and learn independence [but also] be prepared to step in, say no, and make the hard decisions when it's necessary for [the child's] well-being.'
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