How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself

New York Times

29-05-2025

If a friend is struggling with a big challenge or feels defeated, it's usually our first instinct to offer words of comfort and understanding. But often it's not so easy to do this for ourselves.
We can be our own harshest critics. Practicing a little self-compassion, though, goes a long way. Research shows that when people go through challenges or stressful situations, those who display more self-compassion are more resilient.
'We can say, 'I made a mistake,' as opposed to saying, 'I am a mistake,'' said Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin who has studied self-compassion for more than two decades. 'It's a healthier alternative to self-esteem, because it's not about judging yourself positively, it's just about being helpful and kind to yourself.'
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the process of expressing support, warmth and understanding toward yourself during difficult times — and recognizing that you aren't alone in your imperfections.
It arises from mindfulness, which involves staying focused on the present moment without judgment. Self-compassionate people can identify when they are feeling defeated or inadequate, but avoid becoming lost in those feelings so that they can respond to themselves with kindness instead of ruminating, Dr. Neff said.
Being kind to yourself doesn't mean hosting a pity party. Our suffering is not unique — flaws and failures are part of what make us human. And while we all suffer in different ways, the knowledge that suffering is universal can help prevent feelings of shame or isolation.
What are the myths about self-compassion?
One common myth is that self-compassion will undermine motivation to improve yourself or your circumstances. But research suggests that support, encouragement and constructive criticism are more effective motivators than negative feedback, Dr. Neff added.
Another myth is that self-compassion is self-indulgent. But in reality, Dr. Neff said, it has been shown to reduce burnout and therefore allow us to better care for others. Self-indulgence, on the other hand, involves behaving in a way that is ultimately harmful — either to yourself or to others.
Finally, self-compassion is sometimes confused with self-care, but it's not just about soothing, said Steven C. Hayes, a clinical psychologist and the creator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which emphasizes the types of skills that are useful for building self-compassion, like living in the moment and focusing on values rather than imposed expectations.
Self-compassion 'is the empowerment to be yourself, to feel what you're feeling, fully and without needless defense,' he said.
How do you develop self-compassion?
There are a number of ways to practice self-compassion:
Say kind things to yourself every day.
Think about how you show up for yourself throughout your day, Dr. Ness said. Are you supportive and encouraging? Or are you your own worst enemy?
'The vast majority of people are significantly more compassionate to others than they are to themselves,' Dr. Neff said.
If you're prone to beating yourself up, she added, then try speaking to yourself kindly, just like you would to a good friend in the same situation.
Take a compassion break.
Tara Brach, a psychologist and the author of 'Radical Acceptance,' suggests the RAIN method: Recognize, allow, investigate and nurture.
The idea here is to recognize the emotions you're having and then allow those feelings to exist without reflexively pushing them away.
Next, investigate how your body is affected by your emotions — is there a hollowness in your stomach or a clenching in your chest? Take time to also explore the beliefs associated with those emotions — are you assuming that something is wrong with you?
'That is probably the biggest suffering that people have: 'I'm unlovable, I'm falling short, I should be doing more,'' Dr. Brach said.
Then, nurture. What does the suffering part of you most need right now? Understanding? To be forgiven? A kind message?
Put a hand over your heart or use another soothing touch that feels caring.
Send a kind message inward: 'It's OK to feel this.' or 'You're doing the best that you can.'
These tiny gestures can make a big difference.
One small study of 135 undergraduates found that those who regularly spent 20 seconds a day placing their hands over their heart and belly while thinking kind thoughts like 'How can I be a friend to myself in this moment?' reported feeling less stressed and were found to have more compassion for themselves after a month.
Pay it forward.
By giving yourself compassion, you become better able to receive and offer compassionate care to others, Dr. Hayes said.
'Show them that they're not alone,' he added. 'We need people who are more self-compassionate and compassionate toward others.'
Self-compassion might involve establishing healthy boundaries in a relationship or even turning your compassion outward — for example, volunteering for an important cause or attending a protest to try to bring about positive political or social change.
In this sense, self-compassion can be fierce and strong: Think 'mama bear' energy.
'Part of caring for ourselves means trying to end harm on the societal level as well,' Dr. Neff said. 'It's bigger than just our individual selves.'