Her great-grandmother, raised by a single dad, started Father's Day in 1910
It was 1909 when Dodd suggested at a Mother's Day church sermon that dads should have their day too.
Dodd and her five siblings were raised by their father after their mother died in childbirth. Dodd's dedication to her father led to a decades-long fight for Father's Day to become a national holiday, which happened in 1972, six years before Dodd died at age 96.
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Yahoo
24-07-2025
- Yahoo
When parents play favourites with children, they're playing with fire
"You love my brother more than me!" If you're a parent and one of your children accuses you of favouring a sibling, it can sting. Don't you always try to treat all of your kids equally? And don't you naturally love all of them equally too? While this may well be your intention, parents are often emotionally closer to one child - usually unconsciously, but sometimes not. In a recent survey by the German polling institute Appinio, commissioned on the occasion of Mother's Day, 18% of the respondents said they had a favourite child. This doesn't surprise Susanne Döll-Hentschker, professor of clinical psychology and psychotherapy at the Frankfurt University of Applied Sciences. After all, she says, immediately after the birth of a child, parents look for similarities to themselves. "It's pure projection, but if you see yourself in your child, it will influence how you behave towards them," she remarks. Similarities and differences in temperament, interests or family roles are what foster particular closeness between a parent and a child. "Some children are more even-tempered, others more of a handful. And there are developmental stages when a child's behaviour is harder for parents to interpret and regulate," says psychologist Fabienne Becker-Stoll, director of the State Institute for Early Childhood Education and Media Competence (IFP) in Amberg, Germany. If, in such stages, a child baulks at homework, for example, it's perfectly normal for parents to be reluctant to help out with maths exercises, she says. What's important is that they be aware of the dynamics at play and realize that they, not the child, are responsible for a harmonious relationship. "Children must know and feel that they're loved unconditionally," she says. A secure parental bond gives kids self-confidence and prevents them from feeling less loved when siblings get more attention from parents in certain stages of their development. "Unequal treatment is unavoidable, because every child has different needs," notes Döll-Hentschker. It would be silly, in her view, to treat a 2-year-old the same as a 4-year-old. "If you explain the reasons for the disparity, they're generally satisfied," she says. So long, that is, as the temporary unequal treatment doesn't devolve into favouritism. Experiencing a brother or sister who systematically receives more affection is deeply hurtful. "If a child feels persistently disadvantaged or ignored, it can have an extremely adverse effect on their self-esteem and self-image," warns Anja Lepach-Engelhardt, professor of developmental and educational psychology at the Private University of Applied Sciences (PFH) in Göttingen, Germany. But being a pet child can have lasting negative consequences too. "They're often made to take more responsibility for the parents' care," she points out. As regards factors determining a favoured child, "birth order can play a role," says Lepach-Engelhardt. "The time with the first-born in particular is often experienced especially intensely, and they get a lot of attention. On the other hand, they often have to take on more responsibility." Sometimes it's the youngest child that receives special attention, she adds, while the middle children tend to get the least. Gender can also play a role. A meta-analysis published this year by the American Psychological Association, reflecting data from about 20,000 individuals, concludes that parents may be inclined to give relatively favoured treatment to daughters, conscientious children, and agreeable ones. It says the data also suggests that siblings who receive favoured parental treatment tend to have better mental health, fewer problem behaviours, more academic success, better self-regulation and healthier relationships. The inverse is also supported by the data. "Importantly," the researchers write, "PDT [parental differential treatment] consistently has unique consequences beyond the effects of parenting in general. In other words, the positive and negative outcomes associated with PDT are not about good and bad parenting but about being parented differently." Parental favouritism is rarely deliberate. And for many parents, admitting to yourself that your relationship quality isn't the same for all of your children "is felt to be taboo and therefore often denied in non-anonymous surveys, says Lepach-Engelhardt. "However, a number of large studies have been done showing that unconscious favouritism, at least, occurs frequently, for example in the form of more attention, praise or leniency accorded a certain child." What should you do if you happen to be emotionally closer to one of your children, if the child's temperament better suits you, it's easier to talk to them and they're more affectionate towards you? "Introspection and honesty are a good way to start," Lepach-Engelhardt says. She advises asking yourself the following questions: How do I speak with each child? How much time do I spend with each? What provokes me, stresses me or disappoints me about them, and what do I especially appreciate? "Then ask yourself why you accord a certain child more attention or leniency, whether it occurs often and how you can balance it out, for instance by consciously apportioning time and resources, or having each parent occasionally engage separately with the children," she says. Equal treatment, to her way of thinking, doesn't mean treating all equally, but "fairly." Grandparents can play favourites or show disfavour too, points out Döll-Hentschker, "for example if a grandmother rejects her youngest grandson because she thought the family was complete without him and didn't need another child." The children directly affected by favouritism aren't the only ones who suffer. Sibling relationships can be severely damaged as well - by rivalry, jealousy or feelings of guilt. Children find themselves in roles they haven't chosen. "Some sibling relationships are actually destroyed by this or remain troubled for a lifetime," Döll-Hentschker says. The emotional hurt can be healed, however, if the parents and children are able to have a frank talk about it, and "parents acknowledge the pain suffered by a child who was always disadvantaged," says Becker-Stoll. Assuming responsibility for your relationships with your children and asking yourself, "What can I do to make them better?" she says, are important steps in seeing each child in their uniqueness and taking them seriously. Solve the daily Crossword
Chicago Tribune
21-07-2025
- Chicago Tribune
Asking Eric: I feel free from family drama
Dear Eric: My wife and son got into a heated argument after he told her that he had dated a woman three times, and on the third date, he asked her if she wanted to split the bill. The woman later texted him that she didn't want to go out with him anymore. My wife told our son that it should be up to the man to pay when dating. My son strongly disagreed, telling her that she was old-fashioned and that the current practice is for those who are dating to split the expenses. Who is right? – Confused Dad Dear Dad: Dating is about finding a person who shares one's values and vision for life. One of your son's values is, apparently, sharing expenses at a certain point. This is totally fine. Dates can be expensive. My mother used to say, 'Romance without finance is a nuisance,' and I always remembered that when I wanted to go on a date, but my pockets were a little light. Your son and the woman weren't compatible in their views about paying for the date. That doesn't make him or your wife right. He was doing what works for him and openly communicating with his date about it. One hopes that he'll find someone who shares that value and has no problem splitting the check. Dear Eric: My sister stopped speaking to me because I didn't attend the wedding of her daughter, my niece. Every year I purchase very expensive seats for my husband and I to attend a two-day concert, for Father's Day. The wedding was planned on one of these days. We chose to continue our tradition. When my sister found out, she called me screaming and brought up things she'd been holding on to for years. As always, most of this was fabricated and not true. There are many issues in my family. I have been on a healing journey from cancer, other health and ancestral trauma and so on. She is 70 and I'm 75 years old. I want to live in peace and love for the rest of the life I have left. I feel free from family drama. My small immediate family is a blessing. My health, family and loving friends come first. My niece and I have a good relationship. We had dinner before the wedding, and I met her husband. I am not worried about that. Although I think of my sister often, I reflect on the family drama, and feel relieved that I am not in it anymore. We are senior citizens and should be enjoying our life. What do you think? – Want Peace and Love Dear Peace and Love: Honestly, your letter had me in the first half. I thought, 'You can't skip the concert for one year?' But this isn't really about the wedding. Your niece seems to be fine with it, from your telling. So, even if your sister had bruised feelings about your choice, it isn't really her fight. What appears to be happening here is that this event is just another inflection point in an on-going conflict. Sometimes we're in conflict with people, but sometimes they just have conflicts with us. That's the issue here. If she's bringing up issues she's had with you for years, then the wedding was just an excuse. If part of your healing journey has been setting a healthy boundary, then you should keep that boundary and not engage in further back and forth with your sister. You wrote that you want peace. Peace can always be a shared goal, but if she's not willing or interested in working toward it with you, you can step back with love. Dear Eric: I use the exercise room in my apartment. So does a neighbor who has a body odor so strong that when he is there – or has been there in the previous few hours – I open the window, turn on the fan, prop the door open and wear a mask. There is no staff to complain to. I feel that saying something to him would be crossing a line. Help! – Workout Woes Dear Workout: Although a conversation is the most direct route, it might be uncomfortable and could create a tense situation for you in the building. Because the space has no oversight, take the reins by posting a community note on the door or in the room that acknowledges the gym is a stuffy space and requests that everyone air the gym out during workouts and practices community-minded hygiene. (Think of the signs at pools that instruct swimmers to shower beforehand). Now, this depends on a level of self-awareness that your neighbor may not possess. But, short of talking to him, your next best bet is reminding him – and everyone else – that this is a shared space.
Boston Globe
21-07-2025
- Boston Globe
Splitting the check creates rift between wife and son
Who is right? CONFUSED DAD A. Dating is about finding a person who shares one's values and vision for life. One of your son's values is, apparently, sharing expenses at a certain point. This is totally fine. Advertisement Dates can be expensive. My mother used to say, 'Romance without finance is a nuisance,' and I always remembered that when I wanted to go on a date but my pockets were a little light. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up Your son and the woman weren't compatible in their views about paying for the date. That doesn't make him or your wife right. He was doing what works for him and openly communicating with his date about it. One hopes that he'll find someone who shares that value and has no problem splitting the check. Q. My sister stopped speaking to me because I didn't attend the wedding of her daughter, my niece. Every year I purchase very expensive seats for my husband and I to attend a two-day concert, for Father's Day. The wedding was planned on one of these days. We chose to continue our tradition. Advertisement When my sister found out, she called me screaming and brought up things she'd been holding on to for years. As always, most of this was fabricated and not true. There are many issues in my family. I have been on a healing journey from cancer, other health and ancestral trauma, and so on. She is 70 and I'm 75 years old. I want to live in peace and love for the rest of the life I have left. I feel free from family drama. My small immediate family is a blessing. My health, family, and loving friends come first. My niece and I have a good relationship. We had dinner before the wedding, and I met her husband. I am not worried about that. Although I think of my sister often, I reflect on the family drama, and feel relieved that I am not in it anymore. We are senior citizens and should be enjoying our life. What do you think? WANT PEACE AND LOVE A. Honestly, your letter had me in the first half. I thought, 'You can't skip the concert for one year?' But this isn't really about the wedding. Your niece seems to be fine with it, from your telling. So, even if your sister had bruised feelings about your choice, it isn't really her fight. What appears to be happening here is that this event is just another inflection point in an ongoing conflict. Sometimes we're in conflict with people, but sometimes they just have conflicts with us. That's the issue here. If she's bringing up issues she's had with you for years, then the wedding was just an excuse. If part of your healing journey has been setting a healthy boundary, then you should keep that boundary and not engage in further back and forth with your sister. Advertisement You wrote that you want peace. Peace can always be a shared goal, but if she's not willing or interested in working toward it with you, you can step back with love. Q. I use the exercise room in my apartment. So does a neighbor who has a body odor so strong that when he is there — or has been there in the previous few hours — I open the window, turn on the fan, prop the door open, and wear a mask. There is no staff to complain to. I feel that saying something to him would be crossing a line. Help! WORKOUT WOES A. Although a conversation is the most direct route, it might be uncomfortable and could create a tense situation for you in the building. Because the space has no oversight, take the reins by posting a community note on the door or in the room that acknowledges the gym is a stuffy space and requests that everyone should air out the gym during workouts and practice community-minded hygiene. (Think of the signs at pools that instruct swimmers to shower beforehand). Now, this depends on a level of self-awareness that your neighbor may not possess. But, short of talking to him, your next best bet is reminding him — and everyone else — that this is a shared space. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
