Dating and Dropping the C-Bomb (Spoiler: It's Not Commitment)

WebMD

5 days ago

During my first appointment with my nurse practitioner, she asked about my support system – specifically if I had a partner to go through treatment with. In my head, I was probably thinking something along the lines of, 'Wow, getting to the juicy stuff right away.' Being 21 at the time and surrounded by college guys, the answer was a hard no. Her question has stuck with me, though, as I've often wondered how my experience would've been different if I'd been in a committed relationship. Would it have been easier having someone to consistently rely on outside of my family? Would I have pushed them away, or would the experience have brought us closer than ever? The possibilities are endless.
While I didn't have a partner then, dating after my diagnosis has given me plenty to think about when it comes to sharing my story. Although I went on a few dates while I was in treatment, I didn't bring up my diagnosis to anyone. I wasn't ready to divulge that part of my life with a stranger. I just wanted to go on cute dates and feel like a normal college girl – wondering if I was being ghosted if he hadn't texted me back in three days. Now, almost six years later, I'm in a new city and a mental space where I'm excited and ready to date. I'm also a lot more open about my diagnosis – both online and in person. A quick Google search would probably lead them straight to these blogs before our first date.
Over time, I've learned that how I share my story depends on the person, the moment, and my own comfort level. If we make it past the initial small talk (and verify that the person is normal), then comes the deeper conversations about life experiences and what makes us who we are (cue my diagnosis story). There's no single right way to approach this conversation, but here are three ways I've done it. Disclaimer: I'm not in a relationship with any of the people mentioned, so I can't guarantee that my methods work.
Breaking the Ice With Humor
While I was on vacation, I went on a date with a doctor who was about to start residency. Within the first few minutes of our conversation, I could tell that he was easygoing and had a good sense of humor. This was confirmed when he made a joke about texting his dad to let him know he made it safely and I hadn't kidnapped him. As we walked along the beach at sunset, we saw a group of kids playing soccer. He told me about his love for sports – until he tore his ACL and needed surgery. Then he asked if I'd ever had any traumatic injuries. Without missing a beat, I replied, 'I had breast cancer, if that counts.' His reaction was as expected – lighthearted yet supportive. Although I never saw him again, his reaction reassured me that sharing my story doesn't have to be a big, dramatic moment. It can be as casual as the conversation allows.
Letting Work Lead the Way
It's pretty common (in the U.S., at least) for occupation to be one of the first topics brought up when getting to know someone. I was texting with a guy from a dating app (which I loathe, by the way) who told me a little bit about his career as an engineer and what led him to that field. He then asked what I do for work, so I told him I work at a breast cancer nonprofit. His next question was how I ended up there, to which I replied, 'I've been working at my organization for a year, but I've been connected to it since I was diagnosed at 21.' His response was empathetic and positive – he shared that his mom had been through a breast cancer diagnosis as well. From there, we had an easy and meaningful conversation about our experiences – one that felt natural rather than heavy – all before the first of multiple dates!
When It Doesn't Feel Right (and That's OK)
Another dating experience involved a guy five years older than I am who works as a consultant. We met up for dinner and had Thai food (my favorite). We talked about a variety of topics – career, travel, hobbies, etc. Although he was kind and attentive, the vibe wasn't there for me – especially to bring up my diagnosis. There were several opportunities to do so, like when he asked what led me to teach English in Spain after graduation. Normally, I say something along the lines of wanting to do something fun and different after the senior year I had (insert cancer bomb). Instead, I just told him that I went through some health challenges and wanted time to recover and reflect – which is true, just not as open as I've been with other people in the past. And that was enough. Some conversations aren't meant to go deeper, and that's OK.
Just as dating doesn't have a one-size-fits all approach, neither does sharing my story. It depends on the person, the moment, and how I feel. Some situations call for humor, others for depth, and sometimes, just digging deeper into my Thai dish rather than diagnosis is the best choice. Regardless of the approach, what matters most is that I get to decide when and how I tell my story.