Carolyn Hax: Angry spouse blames violent outbursts on wife's introversion
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My wife and I have been married 20 years, the past five full of anger and hostility.
She is highly introverted. Her happy place is deep in a book, on a solo hike, or with her sisters or her few friends. She is very content.
I am not. I am lonely and feel overlooked. It has made me very angry and resentful, and I have exploded at her in anger in ways she apparently found terrifying and traumatic. I would never hurt her or our kids (older teens), but I have broken things, punched walls and screamed at her.
At her urging, I sought therapy, but reflecting on our marriage made me realize I have been unhappy, and resentful, for most of it.
I don't know if I want to be married to her. I try to do nice things for her, but I don't think she is capable of giving me the attention I need to feel loved. She cites her introversion, but also the angry behaviors I haven't been able to get under control. She isn't wrong — I do sometimes talk about harming myself or say she has ruined the marriage. But I no longer break or punch anything. I don't understand why my efforts don't count more.
She notes she has remained present and engaged, encouraged therapy, and responded with patience and kindness, and I need to accept she cannot erase my loneliness or suddenly become an unreserved person. She spends time with me and has encouraged me to pursue friendships and hobbies.
But it isn't helping. I am still so angry and isolated. I know I have messed up in some ways, but I don't understand why she can't just work harder to make me feel like a priority.
— Lonely and Resentful
Lonely and Resentful: Threatening self-harm means you need more help than you're getting. Full stop.
Back to therapy; tell the truth.
None of this 'she apparently found' crap, either. No. Your violence terrified and traumatized your family. That is abuse, not 'messed up in some ways.' Stop dodging responsibility for it.
And stop seeing therapy as a way to change your wife. Last time, you emerged resentful of her for not 'mak[ing]' you happy. That's not how it works.
Having needs is valid, but they're not invoices to others — not even to spouses. If people don't meet our needs, then we can ask, yes, for X. But if they say no, we don't get to take them to emotional collection and extract X by force.
Your ability to change your marriage ends where your wife's autonomy begins. You can't make her be someone she isn't or do something she won't. You can't call it her fault and abuse her.
Your wife is modeling autonomy within a marriage: giving what she is willing and able to give you, remaining true to herself within the context of your union.
Whether it's what you want is up to you. If not, then you can try to thrive on what she offers, or do without, or divorce.
You expect her to 'work harder,' yet how successfully have you changed your core self?
Here's a metaphor: Therapy showed that you've craved steak your entire marriage. But your marriage is a tea shop. Is your wife asking, 'Why can't he work to love tea?!' Seems not.
So. Find your own honest protein sources — as your wife now nourishes herself — or embrace scones, or admit you picked wrong and leave. Don't terrorize tea shops for being tea shops. For help mid-fury, step away and call 800-799-SAFE or 988.
And more, more honest counseling. Immediately.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Forbes
27 minutes ago
- Forbes
Survey Says…Parents Matter In College Admission And They Feel It Is Rigged
Parents' Three-Word Descriptions of College Admission Even if you are not a follower of the long-running game show, Family Feud, you have no doubt heard their 'survey says' tagline. In the game, families compete by guessing the answers to survey questions on a range of topics, and it gets rowdy! College admission often feels like a similar face-off between families, leaving them confused, concerned, and conjecturing. It is not an solitary process where applicants must find their way without support. Experience has shown the critical role of parents in postsecondary planning. After all, we love our kids and want a future for them that is full of success. We also don't want them living in our basement for eternity! Recent surveys reveal, however, just how nuanced and complex this planning process is for parents to navigate. While high school counselors are the most qualified to offer students guidance on college admission and career pathways, they have a herculean job. They often have caseloads drastically exceeding the American School Counselor Association (ASCA) recommended student-to-counselor ratio of 250:1. Counselors are balancing the physical, intellectual, and social-emotional well-being of the students with whom they work, and despite the best intentions, their time and resources are limited. Sadly there are systemic failures. A recent survey from the Niche college search platform found that 1 in 5 juniors never meet with their school counselors, with 17% saying they received no guidance on the college search process. This is consistent with the findings of a 2019 Education Trust report. The reality is that even those of us (I am a high school counselor) who are fortunate to have smaller caseloads are not available 24/7. I am not at the kitchen table on Sunday morning or in the car with families on a summer night when they are often discussing college admission. Who is? Parents, but they often feel left out of the equation. A survey conducted by the American Student Assistance (ASA) found that parents have the greatest influence on their child's post-secondary path. Ninety-one percent of student respondents reported that they discussed their post-high school plans with their parents. Research by the enrollment management firm EAB confirms the ASA findings–the majority of students identify family as the greatest influence on which pathway they plan to pursue. But parents are not getting the information they want and need. A 2024 EAB study found that 73% of parents want direct communications from colleges. It also discovered that students who are not responding to outreach campaigns from colleges have a 47% greater likelihood of applying when a college has their parent contact information. Michael Koppenheffer, vice president of Enroll360 Marketing at EAB says, 'In an era of intensive parenting, it's not surprising that most parents expect direct and transparent communication from colleges. Concerns about cost, value, and campus safety are top of mind for today's parents, and our research shows that many parents now look for open, ongoing dialogue with institutions throughout the college search process. Colleges that engage families early across multiple channels build trust, ultimately influencing where students choose to enroll.' A May survey conducted by College Guidance Network (with whom I work) revealed not just a lack of communication, but also a significant trust deficit. Sixty-five percent of parents report that the system feels rigged against them and they are pleading for transparency, fairness, and insight into how to play the admissions game. While hoping for fairness may be a fool's errand (the process is simply not built for this), transparency and insight are reasonable expectations. Survey respondents volunteer words like "stressful," "confusing," 'tedious,' and "expensive" to describe college admission, and negative associations outnumber positive terms six to one. These attitudes are consistent across income level, school type (private/public/charter), and first‑generation status. Only 11% of parents report feeling 'very confident' guiding their student through the admission process and 63% say they are struggling, missing details, or need extensive guidance. The top concern of parents is that their teen is 'not competing on a level playing field,' followed closely by fear of making costly financial mistakes. As chief product officer at College Guidance Network (CGN), Michael Kolowich designed and conducted the survey of a national sample of 602 parents. He observes that 'college admissions has evolved over time from a straight sprint to a kind of escape room: the clues are scattered everywhere, but parents don't have a master key to solve the puzzle." CGN's research revealed four distinct parent mindsets that can help colleges better understand their concerns and needs: Anxious Planners, Confident Navigators, Skeptical Realists, and Hands-Off Hopefuls. Every one of them is hunting for a different kind of key to solve the puzzle. Here's more on the four segments the survey identified: Parent engagement strategies in high schools and colleges should incorporate the unique needs and concerns that characterize each of these styles. By doing so they will not only provide important guidance to those who are often the primary financial stakeholder, but as the EAB research found, colleges will also increase the likelihood that students in their inquiry funnel will apply. Parents are not just hungry for information about traditional four-year colleges. Judy Goldstein is the senior vice president of communications for American Student Assistance (ASA). She says, 'Nearly 90% of parents are interested in learning more about non-degree pathways for their children, and two in five want schools to start advising students about their post-secondary options as early as middle school,' Goldstein adds, 'Overall, there is a need for widespread access to the information, resources, and experiences focused on diverse post-secondary education and career pathways earlier in students' educational journeys. Doing so will ensure that young people–and their families–are equipped to make informed, confident decisions about the path after high school that meets their needs and aspirations.' The take-home message from all of these surveys is that we need to better support parents who often feel like they are flying without instruments. K-12 schools need to start earlier and be adequately funded to provide the resources necessary, not just for students but for parents as well. Colleges and universities must better understand the needs of parents and others who support applicants and find more effective ways to connect and communicate with them early and often. If not, families will continue to feud and make uninformed guesses as they navigate the escape room of college admission.
CBS News
36 minutes ago
- CBS News
Child fell overboard from Disney cruise ship returning to Fort Lauderdale, father leapt in to save her
Girl fell overboard from Disney ship returning to Fort Lauderdale, father jumped in to save her Girl fell overboard from Disney ship returning to Fort Lauderdale, father jumped in to save her Girl fell overboard from Disney ship returning to Fort Lauderdale, father jumped in to save her A dramatic rescue at sea after a child fell overboard off a Disney Cruise Line ship returning to Fort Lauderdale and her father leapt in after her. The Disney Dream docked at Port Everglades early Monday morning after a four-night Bahamian cruise. As first reported by The Street, the child went overboard on Sunday when the ship was between the Bahamas and South Florida, and her father jumped in to save her. An emergency alert then sounded on the ship and the crew sprang into action, throwing life preservers into the water and launching rescue boats. Passenger watch swift rescue A TikTok video from Noeayala32, shows the father treading water with his daughter in his arms. He hands over to a rescue crew from the Dream before getting in the boat as well. Passengers watching from the ship cheered when the rescue mission was complete. "The Crew aboard the Disney Dream swiftly rescued two guests from the water," a Disney Cruise Line spokesperson told USA TODAY in a statement. "We commend our Crew Members for their exceptional skills and prompt actions, which ensured the safe return of both guests to the ship within minutes. We are committed to the safety and well-being of our guests, and this incident highlights the effectiveness of our safety protocols." Kevin Furuta, who was on the ship, posted on Facebook that the child fell from Deck 4 and her dad went in after her, according to USA Today. The ship has plexiglass safety barriers on its decks, so it is unclear how the child fell overboard. This is a developing story, check back for updated information.
News24
37 minutes ago
- News24
An unexpected way to reduce violent crime in SA
Be among those who shape the future with knowledge. Uncover exclusive stories that captivate your mind and heart with our FREE 14-day subscription trial. Dive into a world of inspiration, learning, and empowerment. You can only trial once. Show Comments ()
