Latest news with #microaggressions
Yahoo
07-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
From "Jokes" To Dismissive Doctors — Women Of All Ages Are Revealing The "Normalized" Misogynistic Behaviors That Creep Into Their Everyday Lives
As most of us realize, there are attitudes, ideas, and habits that simply SCREAM there are many "normal" behaviors that are just as misogynistic and toxic as those we openly acknowledge and discuss... That's why when Redditor u/shelly_seafunk asked, "What examples of misogyny have crept into your life unnoticed?" Women of all ages took to the comment section to share the "micro-misogyny" they have encountered throughout their lives. From paperwork mixups to car care — here are 19 of their most enlightening stories: 1."I am the primary income earner in my household, and did the majority of the work to buy our house — filled out mortgage applications, figured out homeowners' insurance, found the realtor, served as the point of contact for the builder, completed all of the paperwork paperwork, read all of the warranty stuff, etc." "Yet, the mortgage company put my husband as the 'primary borrower,' and now everything is addressed to him." —u/lurktasticallylurky 2."My partner's boss won't let him work from home with our baby because 'men can't multitask.'" "Implicitly low expectations of men equal higher expectations of women, which means we have to do more." —u/SJWP 3."That I'm expected to move out of the way when walking towards a man on the street. COVID was the first time I wasn't ducking and diving around the pavement." —u/Ellf13 "I actually had a moment a few weeks ago that wasn't a huge deal, but it sticks out: A man was walking towards me, and I consciously made the decision to keep walking and either slam into him or make him move. He moved at the last second and actually looked surprised, not annoyed in a mean way, but surprised. It was glorious." —u/mcdonaldsfrenchfri 4."My husband and I are big baseball fans, especially of our local minor league team, and I'm much more involved than he is. I generally know more about the game and our team's players than he does." "When he talks baseball, no one questions him, and they give him grace if he mixes things up or simply doesn't know something. When I talk baseball, I get quizzed on my knowledge constantly! I have to 'prove' that I'm genuinely a fan. Many men assume I'm only pretending to like baseball to make myself more appealing to them or to make my husband happy. God forbid a girl have a passion for a sport she played with her dad and grandpa." —u/Belle0516 5."I'd say one of the more 'unnoticed' examples of misogyny is all of the 'I'm just a girl' jokes and discourse, which, yes, 98% of the time, is self-aware, but a tiny part of it reinforces female helplessness." —u/eden-sunset 6."Men are genuinely only friendly towards me if they want to have sex with me. They can be nice and kind without wanting sex, but when they are friendly, I have learned it comes with expectations — even men in relationships." "I can tell like a bloodhound which men would cheat on their partners." —u/amiinvisibleyet 7."My family doctor not taking me seriously is one of my biggest examples: I was struggling with severe pain, fatigue, anxiety, and insomnia. I was so desperate that I asked him if I could get a prescription for sleeping medication." "He declined and gave me an entire speech about how addictive meds are and that I should try mindfulness instead. He said that pain is normal during periods and that it can impact sleep, 'It's just a part of womanhood,' etc. My husband had an appointment with him a couple of days later, and got a prescription with no speeches, warnings, or questions." —u/mrsmajkus 8."When I was joining a church, one of the elders asked me some general questions for their records." "When he asked me my husband's name, I replied that my husband wasn't joining the church. He said they just needed an emergency contact, so I provided my husband's name and phone number. A week later, I received my tithing envelopes and the new church directory. Both of them listed 'Mrs. Joe Smith.' My name was nowhere to be found." —u/retirewhenidie 9."I get so mad when I'm given car repair quotes. At my last appointment, the place suggested a maintenance service that was $300+. I decided to call around to another place (another dealership, a town over) and get a quote for it. It was half the cost. It feels incredibly disrespectful that people try to take advantage of us like this." —u/fallen-fawn 10."This one really ticked me off: My dad was getting my grandparents' house ready to sell after their deaths, so he chose a local property manager (who had no business acting as a realtor). I told my dad that the house needed to be painted, but he told me to wait and see what the property manager thought." "The property manager, whom I'll call 'Guy', showed up and asked, 'Paint where?' I pointed out the line of dirt that all walls get when they've had appliances or furniture pressed up against them for 60 years. Guy said, 'I don't think you need to paint. It looks fine.' Dad said, 'Great. No paint.' Fast forward a few weeks, Guy changed his mind and told my dad that he needed to paint the house and had a painter he could use. Dad told Guy, 'You're right. We need to paint.' He then hired the painter, who SUCKED. He missed spots, cut corners, and painted single coats where there should have been double coats." —u/Campyteendrama 11."When men are surprised that I'm funny." "It always surprises me when men explain to women why what they said was funny, as if we accidentally made a joke." —u/mushroom_gorge 12."When I worked a corporate job, I was given a name badge that said 'assistant' for a conference. I was a product manager." "I was also asked many times if I was my boss's assistant when I managed my own portfolio of projects worth $500,000,000 a year." —u/Cutieincalvins1020 13."I broke my car key while on a weekend trip with my boyfriend and didn't have a spare, so we had to walk to a nearby garage with the two halves of my key to see if they could copy it. I explained it was my car, and what happened, the guy then asked my boyfriend tons of questions about the make, model year, etc. of the car, all of which I answered as it was MY car." "When we came back an hour later to collect the copied key, I paid, yet he handed the key to my boyfriend and wished him good luck. I grabbed the key out of his hand and said, 'It's not luck he needs, it's a driver's licence.' I was fed up with the garage guy assuming it must be the man's car." —u/Pathetic-Fallacy 14."I'm transgender (male-to-female), and I've had a front row seat to unrealized misogyny, including from coworkers I've known for more than a decade. The other day, one guy I've known since 2017 tried to explain how units of measure work. I'm the Senior Director of Master Data. He never tried doing that before." —u/ShannonSaysWhat 15."I was an engineer at a tech company that made applicants give a tech talk to the engineers as the final stage of the hiring process. When I walked into the room, carrying my laptop, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt like every other engineer, the applicant looked at me, surprised, and said, 'I thought the audience was supposed to be technical.'" "It was so wild I didn't even [understand] what had happened; my teammates got offended on my behalf and I had no idea why. He didn't get the job." —u/Daffodil_Bulb 16."When I was younger and lived with my parents, my dad would constantly talk over me and demean my opinions and feelings. Over time, I stopped trying to make my opinions known. I wasn't conscious of it, however, until I moved away and married a man who is a respectful conversationalist, and I stopped silencing myself." "Then we visited my parents for Christmas, I couldn't get a word in edgewise when Dad was in the room, even with my husband trying to give me space to talk. Now that I was conscious of what was happening, I was furious. It was as clear as day that my dad was more ready to listen to my husband than he was to me." —u/Straight_Mongoose_51 17."Recently, I've been thinking about the term: 'working mom.' Forget the fact that all moms, in fact, are working because taking care of a child is a huge task, not even considering household chores. How come I've never heard of a 'working dad?' Does being a dad mean less work than being a mom?" "The only term that comes to mind indicating a man taking on the majority/all of the childcare is 'single dad' or 'present father.' On the flip side, a 'present mother' is just a mother. Do dads in relationships not normally care for their children?" —u/StopthinkingitsMe 18."In my 20s, I did genetic sequencing for a prestigious cancer research center in London. When I was going for lunch one day, the man serving me spotted my ID badge and asked where I worked (for safety reasons, our badges had no identifying institution logos/ building names, etc)." "When I told him, he asked if I was the receptionist. When I told him what my actual job was, he replied with 'You don't look like a scientist.' Ten years later, I can still remember how furious that interaction made me feel. (Not that it matters, but the actual receptionist at that time was a man.)" —u/_rbnsn 19."My family was looking to buy a minivan. I did all the research and found the van. So my husband, my two youngest, and I head to the dealership. While I am working out the deal with the finance guy, my husband was strolling around the lot with the kids to keep them entertained..." "The first time the finance guy came out, he gave me a number. I told him, 'No, I came in here with this number, and it is what I can afford.' He replied, 'Did you want to check with your husband?' No, actually, my husband has no idea about any of this...I've worked in lending for over 20 years." The second time, he comes out with another payment quote and says the same thing. He leaves again, and finally comes back with the payment I was comfortable with. Again, he asks, 'Do you want to ask your husband?' Dude, if I wanted his opinion, he would be in here with me. I finally told the guy that if he asked me that one more time, I was leaving." —u/SrslyYouToo Did any of these stories surprise you? Women, what are some "unnoticed" ways misogyny has crept into your lives? Let us know in the comments or answer anonymously using the form below! Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Irish Times
03-07-2025
- General
- Irish Times
‘Where are you from?': Adopted people face microaggressions and jokes, report finds
People who were adopted from other countries by Irish families often face microaggressions or jokes at their expense, sometimes from their own relatives, according to new research. The Lived Experience of Intercountry Adopted Adults in Ireland, a report on a study conducted by the Adoption Authority of Ireland (AAI), was launched by Minister for Children Norma Foley in Dublin on Wednesday. As part of the research, nine women and two men aged between 20 and 38 participated in in-depth interviews to discuss their personal experiences. Four participants were from eastern Europe, four from southeast Asia (Vietnam and Thailand), and three from Asia (India and China). Several participants reported that they faced casual 'jokes' or comments because they were 'visibly different to their immediate families'. These remarks often came from strangers but were also 'very likely' to come from people the participants knew well including friends and members of their extended families, the report notes. READ MORE [ Surge in applications to adoption authority for birth information and to trace relatives Opens in new window ] One participant recalled that, when she was teenager, her parents planned to bring her on a visit to her country of origin, prompting some of her relatives to make jokes about it. She said: 'Some of the family were kind of weird about it. They kind of just like 'Oh you're sending her back? You don't want her anymore?'.' Another participant recalled some of the comments directed at her in secondary school, such as 'Oh you're so exotic looking' and 'You're Asian and your eyes are so narrow'. In response to such remarks, some participants said they struggled with their identity and became reticent about forging new relationships. However, others noted that some people in their community would stick up for them, asking the person who made the comment: 'Why would you say that?' One of the participants, who was born in China but grew up in Dublin, told The Irish Times she has very supportive family members and friends, but has experienced many microaggressions over the years – such as being told her English is 'very good'. The woman, who did not wish to be named, is a Gaeilgeoir and went to an Irish-speaking school. She has a traditional Irish name and some people have told her 'that's not your name'; others have asked her if her name is Mandarin. People often ask her where she is from. 'When people ask, 'Oh, where are you from?', they mean, 'Where are you from, as in China?', they don't mean, 'Where are you from in Dublin?'. 'So, sometimes I'll answer and do the whole spiel of, 'I'm adopted from China, but I've been here all my life, mostly'. And other times, if I'm not so generous, I'll be like, 'Oh, I'm from Stoneybatter'. If they ask, 'But where's your family from?', I'll say Finglas.' Sarah Eames said people don't always realise the "impact" of their remarks. Photograph: Órla Ryan/The Irish Times Sarah Eames (36) was adopted by an Irish couple when she was two years old. She was born in Romania. Ms Eames said she is 'lucky' in that she rarely experienced negative comments when growing up in Dublin. 'In my school, there would have been people from all walks of life and all sorts of nationalities. I'm lucky in that way, but definitely I resonate with what other people are saying in terms of feeling different.' Ms Eames is a therapist and often works with other adopted people, many of whom have experienced discrimination. She said people may not realise the impact of making a 'throwaway' comment about someone. 'Your words do matter. If you don't have something that you know is nice to say, just maybe hold it – because you might mean it as a compliment or as a throwaway remark, but it can really resonate with the person.' Speaking at the launch, Dr Judy Lovett, author of the report, said nearly all participants in the study 'experienced racism and discrimination' often via microaggressions and jokes at their expense. Dr Lovett noted that these comments often came from 'adults in the participants' lives, so maybe family, friends or extended family, who ... feel a bit free to speak, kind of, maybe more glibly'. [ Patricia Carey: 'I've had good experiences of being adopted, but that does not mean that adoption is not difficult' Opens in new window ] Orlaith Traynor, chairperson of the AAI, said it is 'quite disturbing' that some adopted people still have to deal with remarks related to their appearance or background, despite the fact Ireland is now 'seemingly a multicultural society'. Ms Foley welcomed the publication of the report, thanking the participants 'for their honesty, for their courage and their willingness to speak about these deeply personal aspects of their lives'. More than 5,000 children have been adopted into Ireland from other countries since intercountry adoption was first legislated for here in 1991. The annual figures peaked in 2008 and have been in decline ever since, reflecting a similar global pattern. The report notes that the research involved a small sample study, so 'caution should be taken when generalising the findings to the rest of the intercountry adopted population'. However, it adds that the findings suggest a need for greater promotion of support services for adopted people and their families. The findings 'also suggest a need for adoption awareness and sensitivity education among the general public, and among service providers such as teachers and healthcare professionals'.
The Guardian
18-06-2025
- General
- The Guardian
How I unlearned the internalised prejudice I had as a Black woman – one braid at a time
At the start of 2023, a couple of months after a trip to Jamaica with friends, where we spoke extensively about our hair, I made my first new year resolution in more than a decade. I was going to try a wider variety of hairstyles. For most of my 20s, I had two styles: long, dark, medium-sized box braids (where hair is divided into square sections, and each is then braided into a single plait) or, very occasionally, a weave. Now, I decided, I would switch things up – whether trying a new colour, length or type of braid. This may not seem groundbreaking but for me it genuinely was. It was never just about hair, it ran deeper than that. I had come to realise that my own understanding of stereotypes about Black women had been learned from years of experiencing microaggressions: from comments on how good my English was, despite being British, or being followed around supermarkets by security guards – as well as seeing how women who looked like me were portrayed on TV. Without my knowing, on some level, I had become increasingly conscious of the 'vibe' I was giving off, before I even spoke. This, in turn, had influenced my hair, dress sense, and, at times, my very behaviour. I wanted to break free from internalised prejudices I didn't even realise I had. Growing up in the UK, my hair was my way of trying to minimise false assumptions about me based solely on the colour of my skin. Throughout my 20s, the styles I went for were 'safe', nothing that could be misconstrued as conforming to some sort of stereotype, such as being 'messy', unkempt, or even unclean. Society is already unfairly rigged against Black women: more than two in three Black professionals have experienced racial prejudice at work, and Black women are considered the least desirable on dating apps. Why give society another excuse to treat me unfairly? Emma Dabiri, an Irish academic and author of the 2019 book Don't Touch My Hair, also feels a shift in how others engage with her when she wears different styles. With straight-back cornrows, she is 'treated more aggressively by people,' she says. But beyond hostility alone, 'the difference in how I'm treated when I have my afro v goddess braids, a style which is long and conforms to established notions of femininity, is night and day,' too, she adds. Goddess braids see strands of hair added to plaits to create a long wavy flowing effect. Natural black hair 'generally grows up rather than down,' she says, which doesn't fit into 'a western construction of femininity that has now been spread all over the world.' The natural hair movement, which saw Black women embrace their hair texture rather than straightening it, originated in the US during the 1960s. At the time, the movement centred on wearing an afro and was on a small scale, often limited to homemade hair products. It had a resurgence in the early 00s, though, thanks to technological advancements and to an extent, social media, and online tutorials. At the same time, there was an increasing awareness of the dangers of products that were once widely recommended which have been linked to severe health problems. For better or worse, new products appeared on the market which seemed to reflect not simply an acceptance of Black hair, but an embrace. Many women used this as an opportunity to embrace new styles. In 2009, Solange Knowles, did the Big Chop, a term used in Black communities to define a dramatic haircut one does to get rid of chemically processed or damaged hair. She has since become known for platinum blonde braids and a full head of beads. But, in turn, this embrace of textured hair came with unwanted comments, touching and judgment, perfectly exemplified by Knowles's subsequent song Don't Touch My Hair in 2016. Indeed, 93% of Black people in the UK have faced microaggressions related to their afro hair, according to a 2023 study. However, Dabiri says: 'We're seeing a shift back towards hairstyles that conform to Eurocentric beauty standards.' According to St Clair Detrick-Jules, author of My Beautiful Black Hair, which features more than 100 first-person accounts from Black women on their hair, texturism – discrimination against someone based on their hair texture often under the premise that hair that more closely resembles a white person's is more desirable – is a prevailing issue in Black communities. 'Even within the natural hair movement, within our own community, people with looser curl patterns are considered more beautiful, attractive, or professional,' she says. Dabiri agrees: 'We have to develop a genuine love for Black hair that is not long, that is not curly, that is tightly coiled.' As a child, my mother embraced my natural hair and encouraged me to try a variety of looks. That all came to a halt in my teens when hairdressers began refusing to do my hair because it was 'too afro-y' and, therefore, in their eyes, too difficult to manage. This is all the more eye-opening when you consider that I grew up in east London, a place seemingly known for its diversity. I remember a white male teacher calling me into his office to explain why he thought my hairstyle wasn't nice. Hair mishaps are a rite of passage for most teenagers – but a bun with a fringe is hardly a reason to be taken aside. Yet even to this day, Black girls are still more likely to be sent home for 'inappropriate' hair. On some level, I must have internalised what he said though; relaxing my hair and putting it into 'neat' braids became my go-to style for years. For me it wasn't until 2019, when I saw a video of Dabiri in a style known as Fulani braids, a mixture of cornrows and single plaits, which she wore with brown and blond hair extensions, that things changed. In the video, she explained the term 'blackfishing' for i-D magazine. Mesmerised by the mixture of natural and gold colours, I did the same to my own hair. That same year, Dabiri released Don't Touch My Hair, a series of essays on Black women and hair. In it, she wrote: 'In our desire to see our own beauty acknowledged, we forget that the beauty regime is an oppressive construct designed to keep women in a state of heightened insecurity.' Six years later, Dabiri says: 'When I wrote that book, I felt very optimistic about many things. It was just a different era and I'm glad I wrote it then.' Detrick-Jules says 'representation really does matter, and there have been positive changes,' pointing out two notable examples of women in the public eye wearing their natural hair: Michelle Obama, who 'started embracing more Afrocentric hairstyles' after leaving the White House, and Viola Davis in the American legal drama How to Get Away with Murder, where her character, 'takes her wig off and reveals her natural hair.' 'It's not that I think celebrities are superior, but they have such a huge impact on how we, especially as women, perceive ourselves and our beauty,' she adds. The fact that a new crop of hair brands by and for Black women, which includes Cécred by Beyoncé and Pattern Beauty by Tracee Ellis Ross, have made it into the mass market is not insignificant. Looking back, my copying Dabiri's hairstyle is a prime example. My hairstyle had been intransigent for years. All it took was for someone I admire, and who looked like me, to push me in a new direction. 'It just goes to show that you never know what will influence someone,' Dabiri says. 'It's important for people to see somebody like them in the mainstream with cornrows or even a big 'fro.' Detrick-Jules adds: 'We also see it on an everyday level. The more you see your Black female teachers with natural hair, for example, it has a positive upward spiral – a domino effect.' Community helps too. Charlotte Mensah, founder of the award-winning salon Hair Lounge on Portobello Road, west London, remembers the joy she felt on seeing a Black female employee at Google 'confidently wearing a beautiful full head of auburn faux locs,' a dreadlock-style look which involves blending synthetic hair extensions with natural hair and which felt happily unexpected in this setting. 'Few things have made me smile as much this year,' says Mensah. 'A style that might once have been dismissed as ostentatious was being worn proudly at one of the largest corporations in the world.' When I was a teenager, it was hard to find extensions that properly emulated the look of natural hair let alone salons that catered to it. But during the pandemic, when I was thrust into doing my own hair again, I realised things had changed. I even tried a wig for the first time. Clients at A-list Lace Hair, a shop in West Kensington founded in 2009, include Naomi Campbell, Knowles – and now me. The brown wavy mid-length wig allowed me to put my hair in a protective style underneath (a technique used to shield hair from environmental and styling stress). 'Over the past 15 years, I've seen a remarkable shift in how our clients view wigs,' says founder Antonia Okonma Shittu. 'What once may have been seen as a necessity for managing afro-textured hair, or adhering to professional standards, has evolved into an empowering form of artistry.' Wigs, she says, 'are deeply emotive for many Black women because they represent more than just a styling choice – they're tools of self-expression, reinvention, and empowerment.' As I gained confidence in my ability to look after my natural hair, and grew out the chemically altered parts, I then began wearing afro-textured hair extensions by Ruka Hair. The hair looked so close to my own that it essentially enhanced my afro, adding length rather than truncating it 'Growing up and navigating the beauty industry as a Black woman, I constantly felt excluded,' says one of the founders, Tendai Moyo, who knew something had to change when she realised that this wasn't just her struggle 'but a universal pain point for Black women.' Reflecting on how I styled and treated my hair all these years has allowed me to unlearn a lifetime of being told that my Blackness made me less beautiful, less equipped for the job, less worthy of a Tinder match. I still love my braids – my weaves, too. Funnily enough, when I recently got my hair done (the style you see in this piece), I went for the braids that started it all, but now they take on a new meaning for me, one that doesn't include beauty standards designed for me to fail.
Daily Mail
31-05-2025
- Politics
- Daily Mail
WNBA in fresh racism storm after Dijonai Carrington confronts referee and blasts 'insane' treatment
Dallas star Dijonai Carrington appeared to claim she was the victim of racial discrimination after a WNBA referee called security during a bust-up on the court. In a clip that has now gone viral on social media, Carrington is seen talking to referee Roy Gulbeyan at the end of the Wings' loss against the Chicago Sky on Thursday. The official can then be seen ushering a member of security staff to stand between himself and Carrington. The guard, who sparked controversy last season after leaving Caitlin Clark with a black eye and then clashing with a reporter over the collision, accused Gulbeyan of an 'insane' overreaction. 'Security,' she wrote on social media. 'When I'm literally having a civil conversation is insane. Mind you, he called the 'sEcUrItY' over there… #Mircoagression (sic)' Microaggressions are defined by the American Psychological Association as 'commonly occurring, brief, verbal or nonverbal, behavioral, and environmental indignities that communicate derogatory attitudes or notions toward a different 'other.'' security… , when i'm literally having a civil conversation is insane . mind you , he called the 'sEcUrItY' over there… #Mircoagression — dιjonaι carrιngтon♛ (@DijonaiVictoria) May 30, 2025 According to Merriam-Webster, microaggressions 'express a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority).' The Daily Mail has reached out to the WNBA and Dallas Wings for comment. Carrington did not expand on the hashtag but the WNBA was recently embroiled in a racism saga following the season opener between the Sky and the Indiana Fever, when Clark clashed with rival Angel Reese. Afterwards, the league launched an investigation into claims of racist abuse directed at Reese. Earlier this week, however, the league said it could substantiate claims of racist fan behavior after a probe that included gathering information from fans, team and arena staff, as well as an 'audio and video review of the game.' Carrington found herself at the center of a racism storm following her own clash with Clark last season. After catching the Fever superstar in the eye, Carrington was asked if it was intentional and whether she later laughed about the incident. That sparked a furious statement from the WNBA players association, who branded the line of questioning: 'A blatant attempt to bait a professional athlete into participating in a narrative that is false and designed to fuel racist, homophobic and misogynistic vitriol on social media.'
The Independent
31-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- The Independent
I'm gay – I don't want to be surrounded by children on holiday
In a contested year for really bad ideas, this is a howler – or should that be howleur? Because the French have proposed a new law that would mean hotels and restaurants that don't admit children could be prosecuted. Quelle horreur. France 's high commissioner for childhood, Sarah El Haïry, said that the hospitality industry was showing signs of a 'no-kids trend', and that, she said, was ' violence against children'. She particularly took aim at adults like me, who object to being disturbed by other people's kids when on holiday. 'A child shouts, laughs and moves,' she said. 'We're institutionalising the idea that silence is a luxury and the absence of children is a luxury.' Damn right we are – and it's a luxury I won't give up without a fight. Because such a ban on 'adult-only' establishments would be inadvertently homophobic. It's an overlooked and under-discussed topic, and potentially taboo to say, but whoever proposed this ban hasn't faced the microaggressions that gay people like me face daily – from children. They can't help it – they're kids. But kids don't have the same filter that fully socialised adults do. And that lack of filter can spoil my holiday, cherished time I take out away from the microaggressions of the everyday straight world. They're not things like outright hostility or violence; it's the small things that add up to make you feel like you're not welcome. They catapult you back to when you were treated as an outsider, a freak, a 'queer', just for being you. When I'm affectionate in public with a partner, as everyone should be able to be on holiday – and the French, of all people, should get this – children who haven't witnessed much same-sex affection will often stare. They sometimes point, whisper or giggle. This is what I mean by a microaggression – and it's one I can do without. You get tired of being someone else's learning curve. That includes staring kids. I don't blame them for doing it. But so many times, in places where kids are allowed, me and my boyfriend (who am I kidding? Holiday romance…) often end up self-censoring to the point we'll refrain from even holding hands. Recently, I got sick of reigning it in that this year, for the first time, I stayed in a gay-friendly resort in Mexico, the Spartacus Hostel for Men in Puerto Vallarta. It was a revelation. Surrounded only by other gay men, I… exhaled. I was no longer in a minority. We could be as gay as we liked, without fear of upsetting or confusing conservative families with children. It was hugely liberating. Under French plans, such places of freedom would be prosecuted. I would avoid France if it instigated such a ban. And we must raise our voices before an idea like this spreads. It's not just for people like me who want to be gay in peace. My female best friend is happily childless by choice. We both adore adult-only establishments. We live on opposite sides of the world so our quality quiet time together, without the interruption of kids, is important to us. She would resist such a mindless ban, given she gets judged enough for a choice she sees as empowering, when others see it, infuriatingly, as sympathy-inducing. We love our friends' children, but we need spaces where our own behaviour isn't policed. Where we can swear, flirt, drink cocktails, tell sordid stories without having to live up to 'child friendly' behaviour standards. There are just a handful of magical 'men-only' hostels and hotels in the world, catering to gay men like me who want to truly relax without worrying, for once, about upsetting anyone's 'innocent' sensibilities. In addition, there's only a relatively small cohort of adult-only venues worldwide, designed for people who don't hate kids, but simply desire a week or two without them. According to most recent statistics, France is still the world's most visited country. But it risks kissing goodbye to that top spot if it proceeds with this ill-considered and stigmatising ban. Well… mwah!
