I found out fiancée was a sex worker and dumped her – so why do I miss her so much?
She has lied and cheated on me with other men, but I still have feelings for her and wonder if I should take her back.
We are both in our early thirties and we were together for six years.
When we first met, she admitted she had done a bit of lap dancing to support herself through university, and that she worked as an escort a few times when
money
was really tight.
It made me feel jealous, but I understood.
And as it all happened before she met me, or so I thought, I felt I shouldn't judge.
I fell in love with her and last
summer
, asked her to marry me.
We also talked about trying for a baby. But over the past six months, she started behaving erratically.
Her style of dress became much more provocative, and she began to plaster herself in
make-up
whenever she 'went out with her friends' — which was increasingly frequent.
One day, I came home early from work and saw her coming out of our neighbour's house, looking dishevelled.
He is married and in his fifties. Shocked, I accused her of having an affair.
Her response was to burst out laughing, which made me even more angry and upset.
She told me she had no interest in him.
Cheating and can you get over it
When I pressed her, she admitted he'd paid her for sex.
I was horrified. But she wasn't even sorry. She claimed she had told me she sometimes did sex work, so it shouldn't come as a surprise to me.
And it wasn't cheating — she was saving up for our wedding.
I ended our relationship immediately, moving out that night.
I've since found out she's slept with half the men in our town.
My friends tell me I've had a lucky escape, but I can't stop thinking about her. We should have been getting married soon. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS:
You accepted she had done sex work in the past, but clearly wouldn't have agreed to her continuing to do it.
She should have told you the truth – not least because she may have put your
Please make an appointment at a
It's natural to miss her, but you miss the person you thought you loved, not the woman she really was.
The reality is, she was happy to
sleep
with other men for money behind your back.
Take some time and space to get over her.
You deserve to meet someone you can trust.
My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, should help you to move on.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to
You can also send a private message on the
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME DEAL WITH PAST ABUSE
DEAR DEIDRE:
WHEN counselling for depression unearthed memories of childhood abuse, it sent me into a mental tailspin.
Suddenly, I remembered how my male cousin used to touch me sexually when I was 11 and he was 16 – something I'd never told anyone.
At the time I thought it was normal but now, as a 30-year-old man, I realised it might be considered rape – even though I never told him to stop.
I also realised this abuse might explain my confusion over my sexuality – something troubling me for years.
I didn't know if I should tell my family or my partner and badly neede advice, so I wrote to you. You gently and sympathetically told me that what had happened was indeed rape because, as a child, I couldn't consent.
You advised me to read your support pack, Abused As A Child?, and recommended I speak to a counsellor before making any decisions about telling my family or going to the police.
Hearing your confirmation that I had been raped opened my eyes. I followed your advice and have had professional support.
I've now spoken to my family, who were very understanding.
Even though I can't change the past, I now feel so much more positive about the future.
DEIDRE SAYS:
You have been so brave. It can't have been easy to open up to your family. I hope this will be the start of a healing journey.
SECRET CONDITION FEARS
DEAR DEIDRE:
THE fear that my daughter and her husband could have a severely disabled child is keeping me awake at night.
She doesn't know that there's a rare genetic condition in my husband's family, which has been kept under wraps.
His sister was born with it, and was hidden away in a care home until she died – like a shameful secret.
My daughter is 30 and newly married. She is really excited about having kids and says they plan to start trying soon.
My husband and his family are in denial about his late sister's condition, saying she was brain damaged at birth.
But I've spoken to doctors and know that's not true.
This genetic mutation – which leaves babies unable to talk, feed or walk – could pop up at any time.
I want my daughter and her husband to have genetic testing, but I don't know how to bring up the subject.
What should I do? My husband won't discuss it.
DEIDRE SAYS:
If there's a chance this mutation could be passed on, and genetic testing is available, as a loving mother you owe it to your daughter to tell her about it.
This will give her and her husband the chance to make their own informed choices. Imagine the guilt you'll feel if her child is born severely disabled, and this could have been prevented, or at least prepared for.
Before you talk to them, first find out as much as you can about the condition and get emotional support too from charity Unique (
Tell your husband you are doing this, and why, with or without his blessing. Hopefully, he will come around.
HER PASSION FADED ONCE WE'D MOVED IN TOGETHER
DEAR DEIDRE:
SOMETHING is missing from my relationship, and I don't know how to get it back, or whether I can.
My girlfriend and I used to be so passionate and affectionate, but lately all she wants to do is sit chatting on her phone to friends or watching TV.
Both in our late 20s, we've been living with each other for nine months.
Before we moved in together, after dating for almost a year, we would have sex all the time. And when we weren't together, we constantly texted each other.
She would send me little loving messages, and wanted to know every detail of my day. We could talk for hours about music or politics.
Now, when she comes in from work, she barely even pecks me on the cheek and doesn't seem to want to chat. She goes straight on her phone.
She is generally too tired or not in the mood for sex, and we rarely even hug.
It feels like she has gone from being my lover to my flatmate. Is this normal? She doesn't seem unhappy, but I am. I realise romance doesn't last for ever but I want more than this.
DEIDRE SAYS:
While it's true that the first flush of romance fades away, that doesn't mean you should stop communicating or being affectionate.
Moving in together does change the dynamics of a relationship. When you can have sex on tap because you sleep next to each other every night, it becomes less exciting.
Perhaps your girlfriend just feels comfortable now. Maybe she believes she doesn't have to try any more.
But there's a difference between comfort and complacency. Even the happiest couples need to work on their relationship.
So, if you're unhappy, you need to tell her. Rather than criticising her, tell her how much you miss chatting and having sex. Arranging date nights might help.
Perhaps plan a weekend away – something to break up the routine.
My support pack, How To Look After Your Relationship, should help.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE:
HAVING sex for the first time has left me feeling so guilty and shameful.
I'm an 18-year-old boy, and I don't know who to talk to about my feelings, as most of my friends lost their virginity years ago and don't think it's a big deal.
But I was brought up in a strict Catholic family. My girlfriend and I were going to wait but we got carried away the other night. Now I feel like a terrible person.
Sex is normal and natural with someone you care about.
Your confused feelings stem from your religious upbringing. But you are not a bad person and have nothing to feel ashamed for.
Talking to a counsellor should help you. Contact
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Irish Sun
17-07-2025
- The Irish Sun
My husband's sex addiction has drained me and ruined our marriage… can he ever get better?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband's struggle with sex addiction has torn our marriage apart, and I'm completely drained. From escorts to workplace affairs, he can't resist other women. I'm 42 and he's 45. We've been together for over a decade and have two young children. Things began to unravel a few years ago when he started disappearing for hours, coming home late with vague excuses. His phone became off-limits and he became irritable and defensive whenever I asked where he'd been or who he was speaking to. At first, I thought the late nights and secretive behaviour were stress from work. But over time, it became undeniable something was amiss. After months of gaslighting, I snapped and went snooping. I was heartbroken when I found secret apps and deleted messages. Eventually, I learnt he'd been visiting escorts repeatedly, but when I confronted him, he denied everything, twisting the truth and blaming me for being paranoid. I forced him to go to therapy, but he never fully committed and nothing really changed. Recently, I caught him messaging and sexting a female colleague. The betrayal cut deeper than ever. I feel like I'm living with a stranger who hides a whole other life from me. The lies and sneaking around have left me drained and anxious. I worry how it will affect our kids and question if I can keep going like this. Part of me still wants to believe he can get better and that we can rebuild what's been broken. Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it But I don't know how to protect myself emotionally when every step forward comes with two back. READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE DEIDRE SAYS: Living with a partner struggling with sex addiction is painful and confusing, especially when denial and secrecy are involved. Addiction is a complex issue that often requires professional help, but change can only happen if your husband truly commits to recovery. Therapy is a positive step, but as it hasn't worked so far, consider exploring specialist addiction counselling. Read my support packs, Addicted To Sex and Can't Be Faithful, which offer practical advice and resources. If your husband won't commit to positive change, then you do need to look to your own future – for the wellbeing of you and your children. Please consider counselling for yourself to help you take that next step. See Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the I ONLY SEEM TO ATTRACT HURTFUL PEOPLE DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time I trust someone, they end up hurting me – and I'm starting to think it's my fault. I'm a 39-year-old woman and finally got out of a controlling, abusive marriage last year. It took everything I had to leave. I hoped things would get better, but the patterns keep repeating. One of my oldest friends was constantly putting me down – mocking me, belittling me, even shouting at me when I didn't agree with her. After years of trying to keep the peace, I finally cut ties. Then just weeks ago, a man I'd started to trust turned on me – physically and emotionally. I feel sick and ashamed. I've worked so hard to heal, but it's like I keep getting dragged back to the same dark place. Why do I keep attracting people who hurt me? And why do I always feel like I'm the one to blame? DEIDRE SAYS: None of this is your fault. People who've experienced abuse often develop deep empathy and a desire to keep the peace – qualities that can attract those who take advantage. It's a strength that you've walked away from toxic relationships. That shows growth, not failure. But healing takes time, and you'll need space to process what's happened and understand the patterns. Read my support pack, How Counselling Can Help. You can also approach Women's Aid ( SPOTTED WIFE OUT DRESSED AS A MAN DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER more than a decade together, I thought I knew my wife inside out, but then I saw a side that stunned me. I'm 46, she's 43, and we've been married for 12 years. Things have always been good between us. We laugh a lot, have a decent sex life and she's never given me a reason to doubt her. But last weekend, I had to pop back home unexpectedly and drove through town, where I spotted someone who looked just like her. She was dressed as a man – short wig, men's clothes, and shoes – and chatting to people outside a bar. I pulled over and could see it was definitely her. When I asked her about it later, she denied it. Then she broke down and said it's something she's been doing secretly for years. I don't know how to feel. Has our marriage been a lie? DEIDRE SAYS: Finding out your partner has a hidden side can be deeply unsettling. It's natural to feel confused, hurt or even betrayed as you try to process it. But remember, your wife's cross-dressing doesn't erase the life you've built together or the love you've shared. Honest communication is essential to understand her feelings and what this means for your marriage. My pack, Cross-Dressing Support, offers further guidance. Joint counselling might also help you rebuild trust and find a way forward. FAMILY IGNORE ME SINCE MOVE DEAR DEIDRE: MY family has completely mugged me off – like I only matter when they want something from me. I'm a 36-year-old man and moved to Canada two years ago for work. I knew the distance and time difference might make it harder to keep in touch, but I didn't expect radio silence. I sent messages, updates and birthday wishes – all mostly ignored. I told myself they were busy, that life just got in the way. But then I had a bad fall last year that left me bedbound for months. I was in pain, struggling to manage day to day, and sinking financially. I reached out and asked if one of them could come over, even just for a week, or help me cover basic costs. Nothing. Not even a proper phone call. Now I'm back on my feet, and I've just found out they all went on a big family holiday without me. No invite, no mention. To top it off, my brother has messaged me asking me to put £300 towards a surprise anniversary gift for our parents from 'all of us'. I feel angry, hurt and used. Why should I be generous when they weren't there when I needed them most? DEIDRE SAYS: It's no wonder you feel taken for granted. When you were at your most vulnerable, your family left you to struggle alone, and now they act like nothing happened. It's natural to want closeness and support, especially from those we love, but sometimes we have to set firm boundaries to protect ourselves emotionally. Saying no doesn't make you selfish; it makes you self-respecting. Try to express how their absence made you feel and that things can't go back to normal without honest conversation. Look at my support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, and talk to Family Action (
The Irish Sun
08-07-2025
- The Irish Sun
My nosy neighbour showed me pictures of my husband cheating with his colleague – but has she done me a favour?
DEAR DEIDRE: THE nosiest neighbour in town told me something no woman wants to hear – my husband is cheating. She was almost gleeful as she knocked on my door last week. My husband was at a physio session. This woman is elderly and a real She couldn't wait to inform me that my husband's colleague had been staying over whenever I was away. She showed me photos she'd taken of her leaving our house . Now my head is spinning. We've had a few incidents with this neighbour before. She knocks on the door with a parcel she has taken in, but always seems to know what the contents are. Once I caught her reading a letter she had fished out of our bin. She said she was looking for space because her 'bin was full'. But has she actually done me a favour? My husband went back to work a year after a car accident. His employer allowed him to make a phased return. He hasn't been up to driving yet, so after a week of getting the bus into town, a new colleague offered to pick him up. He's 45 and he told me she was 25. I had no objections. I thought it was kind of her to volunteer to give him a lift. I'm 42 and my job takes me all over the country so I'm often away overnight. Cheating and can you get over it Because of his injuries, we've not had sex for months — and now I find out he's giving it to someone else. I don't know how to even tackle the conversation with him. READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE DEIDRE SAYS: I'm afraid you don't have a choice – you have to talk to him. Find a quiet moment to tell him what the neighbour showed you and listen carefully to his response. If this woman has been staying over, he has a lot of explaining to do. If he is remorseful, only you can decide if you are prepared to work on your relationship and forgive him. He has hurt you so he will have to prove himself for any trust to return. Please don't allow him to pull the wool over your eyes with some ridiculous explanation. There really isn't any genuine innocent reason why this woman should have stayed overnight in your home, with your husband, without your prior knowledge. Talking to a counsellor in a safe space can be beneficial. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the SHOULD I END IT WITH LAZY OVERSEAS ONLINE GUY? DEAR DEIDRE: ALL my energy is being sapped by my long-distance relationship. My boyfriend is rubbish. I'm a woman of 27 and I met him online five years ago. I am American and I came to the UK to do a masters degree. Before I left the States, I met a man of 30 online from a different state. We never actually met before I came away to study. The relationship started out as chat and then it became sexual. He would ask me to send explicit photographs, which I did. We had video sex once too. Since then the relationship hasn't progressed. He shows no sign of wanting to meet me. He doesn't support me financially or emotionally. He doesn't even answer or return my calls. It's all on his terms. Should I walk away? DEIDRE SAYS: Yes. He is bringing nothing to the table and while you can't expect financial support from him, it would be good to know if he sees a future with you. You could ask him, but don't hold your breath. It sounds as if you're an online booty call for him. It is always better if you can find somebody local where there is a mutual interest but it's not always easy. If you find someone new, really get to know them so you can be certain they want the same things as you do, and as a rule of thumb – don't send any photograph that you wouldn't be happy for your parents to see. MY WIFE'S STOPPED ENJOYING SEX NOW DEAR DEIDRE: I STILL have regular sex with my wife but it's a long time since she's had an orgasm. In our younger years we used to be sex-mad. We are both 61 now and my wife often seems to want physical intimacy when I do – she doesn't turn me down when I initiate it anyway. But she doesn't seem to enjoy it as she used to. It's a case of her enduring it rather than liking it. We still enjoy doing things together, going on nice holidays and watching films with each other. We cuddle and hold hands. I've asked her about sex and whether she enjoys it but she says: 'It's OK.' I want to make her feel like she did when we were in our twenties. DEIDRE SAYS: It is good for you physically and mentally to have sex for as long as you can. You're both in your early 60s and there's no reason why this should stop. Your wife may not feel physically the same and it may take her a little longer to get aroused because of her age and the menopause. Kissing, caressing, and massage can all help her to feel good and it's important to not have sex until she's ready. Use lubrication if that helps. My support pack Love And The Mature Woman will offer advice, along with one called Helping Your Partner To Orgasm. I'M ADDICTED TO BUYING THINGS DEAR DEIDRE: MY online shopping habit is completely out of control even though I live off my pension. I'm a man of 56 and I live alone. I've never had a relationship with anyone – ever. When I went to my nephew's wedding, I wore a three-piece suit I'd had for years. I guess it would be considered 'vintage'. I was getting lots of compliments from men and women, saying I looked 'sharp' or 'cool'. It gave me such a buzz. The attention felt so good. I'd never thought about my appearance or been interested in clothes so much, so I started shopping on my tablet. It seemed so easy. I bought a few items and then I went to a barbers and had a haircut. They suggested I grow my facial hair into a 'trendy beard with a spaghetti moustache' – so I did it! I went to my local social club and had such a nice time talking to people and feel I've reinvented myself. The attention just keeps on coming and I'm having the time of my life. It all comes at a cost though and my credit card bill is now massive. I know that I have got to stop but I feel that I'm addicted to improving my image. DEIDRE SAYS: You'll need to try to pay off some of your credit card but without an income, it might prove difficult. To make a dent in your debts, make a concerted effort to sell some things you no longer need. There are lots of different auction sites. Ask a friend or relative to help you if you're not sure how to go about it. My support pack Solving Debt Problems will show you where to find free assistance to help you get this sorted out. You can find further support through Action On Addiction, who can advise you about shopping problems too and assist you in getting the right help (
The Irish Sun
04-07-2025
- The Irish Sun
I found out fiancée was a sex worker and dumped her – so why do I miss her so much?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY fiancée turned out to be a sex worker, so why do I miss her so much? She has lied and cheated on me with other men, but I still have feelings for her and wonder if I should take her back. We are both in our early thirties and we were together for six years. When we first met, she admitted she had done a bit of lap dancing to support herself through university, and that she worked as an escort a few times when money was really tight. It made me feel jealous, but I understood. And as it all happened before she met me, or so I thought, I felt I shouldn't judge. I fell in love with her and last summer , asked her to marry me. We also talked about trying for a baby. But over the past six months, she started behaving erratically. Her style of dress became much more provocative, and she began to plaster herself in make-up whenever she 'went out with her friends' — which was increasingly frequent. One day, I came home early from work and saw her coming out of our neighbour's house, looking dishevelled. He is married and in his fifties. Shocked, I accused her of having an affair. Her response was to burst out laughing, which made me even more angry and upset. She told me she had no interest in him. Cheating and can you get over it When I pressed her, she admitted he'd paid her for sex. I was horrified. But she wasn't even sorry. She claimed she had told me she sometimes did sex work, so it shouldn't come as a surprise to me. And it wasn't cheating — she was saving up for our wedding. I ended our relationship immediately, moving out that night. I've since found out she's slept with half the men in our town. My friends tell me I've had a lucky escape, but I can't stop thinking about her. We should have been getting married soon. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: You accepted she had done sex work in the past, but clearly wouldn't have agreed to her continuing to do it. She should have told you the truth – not least because she may have put your Please make an appointment at a It's natural to miss her, but you miss the person you thought you loved, not the woman she really was. The reality is, she was happy to sleep with other men for money behind your back. Take some time and space to get over her. You deserve to meet someone you can trust. My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, should help you to move on. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME DEAL WITH PAST ABUSE DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN counselling for depression unearthed memories of childhood abuse, it sent me into a mental tailspin. Suddenly, I remembered how my male cousin used to touch me sexually when I was 11 and he was 16 – something I'd never told anyone. At the time I thought it was normal but now, as a 30-year-old man, I realised it might be considered rape – even though I never told him to stop. I also realised this abuse might explain my confusion over my sexuality – something troubling me for years. I didn't know if I should tell my family or my partner and badly neede advice, so I wrote to you. You gently and sympathetically told me that what had happened was indeed rape because, as a child, I couldn't consent. You advised me to read your support pack, Abused As A Child?, and recommended I speak to a counsellor before making any decisions about telling my family or going to the police. Hearing your confirmation that I had been raped opened my eyes. I followed your advice and have had professional support. I've now spoken to my family, who were very understanding. Even though I can't change the past, I now feel so much more positive about the future. DEIDRE SAYS: You have been so brave. It can't have been easy to open up to your family. I hope this will be the start of a healing journey. SECRET CONDITION FEARS DEAR DEIDRE: THE fear that my daughter and her husband could have a severely disabled child is keeping me awake at night. She doesn't know that there's a rare genetic condition in my husband's family, which has been kept under wraps. His sister was born with it, and was hidden away in a care home until she died – like a shameful secret. My daughter is 30 and newly married. She is really excited about having kids and says they plan to start trying soon. My husband and his family are in denial about his late sister's condition, saying she was brain damaged at birth. But I've spoken to doctors and know that's not true. This genetic mutation – which leaves babies unable to talk, feed or walk – could pop up at any time. I want my daughter and her husband to have genetic testing, but I don't know how to bring up the subject. What should I do? My husband won't discuss it. DEIDRE SAYS: If there's a chance this mutation could be passed on, and genetic testing is available, as a loving mother you owe it to your daughter to tell her about it. This will give her and her husband the chance to make their own informed choices. Imagine the guilt you'll feel if her child is born severely disabled, and this could have been prevented, or at least prepared for. Before you talk to them, first find out as much as you can about the condition and get emotional support too from charity Unique ( Tell your husband you are doing this, and why, with or without his blessing. Hopefully, he will come around. HER PASSION FADED ONCE WE'D MOVED IN TOGETHER DEAR DEIDRE: SOMETHING is missing from my relationship, and I don't know how to get it back, or whether I can. My girlfriend and I used to be so passionate and affectionate, but lately all she wants to do is sit chatting on her phone to friends or watching TV. Both in our late 20s, we've been living with each other for nine months. Before we moved in together, after dating for almost a year, we would have sex all the time. And when we weren't together, we constantly texted each other. She would send me little loving messages, and wanted to know every detail of my day. We could talk for hours about music or politics. Now, when she comes in from work, she barely even pecks me on the cheek and doesn't seem to want to chat. She goes straight on her phone. She is generally too tired or not in the mood for sex, and we rarely even hug. It feels like she has gone from being my lover to my flatmate. Is this normal? She doesn't seem unhappy, but I am. I realise romance doesn't last for ever but I want more than this. DEIDRE SAYS: While it's true that the first flush of romance fades away, that doesn't mean you should stop communicating or being affectionate. Moving in together does change the dynamics of a relationship. When you can have sex on tap because you sleep next to each other every night, it becomes less exciting. Perhaps your girlfriend just feels comfortable now. Maybe she believes she doesn't have to try any more. But there's a difference between comfort and complacency. Even the happiest couples need to work on their relationship. So, if you're unhappy, you need to tell her. Rather than criticising her, tell her how much you miss chatting and having sex. Arranging date nights might help. Perhaps plan a weekend away – something to break up the routine. My support pack, How To Look After Your Relationship, should help. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING sex for the first time has left me feeling so guilty and shameful. I'm an 18-year-old boy, and I don't know who to talk to about my feelings, as most of my friends lost their virginity years ago and don't think it's a big deal. But I was brought up in a strict Catholic family. My girlfriend and I were going to wait but we got carried away the other night. Now I feel like a terrible person. Sex is normal and natural with someone you care about. Your confused feelings stem from your religious upbringing. But you are not a bad person and have nothing to feel ashamed for. Talking to a counsellor should help you. Contact
