Dear Abby: My cheating ex-wife is trying to weasel back into my life — 46 years later
This may be hard to believe, but 46 years later, my ex-wife thought it would be a good idea to try to connect through social media. I knew how to find her if I wanted to, but I had no desire to relive that memory. I made the mistake of replying that I didn't think it was a good idea to connect.
Unfortunately, that response led to her trying to explain why things happened in the past. It seems she didn't realize that once you dump someone, you forgo the right to be friends, regardless of how long ago it has been. Her explanation brought back much of the pain I felt so long ago.
Please let your readers know that once you divorce, it is over forever, so hopefully they won't have to deal with this like I have. — DISAPPOINTED IN THE EAST
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I am passing along your message. However, some people can't just move on with their lives after a divorce because they are tied together by their children. What your first wife may have wanted was forgiveness from you, or help in forgiving herself, but you were not obligated to relieve her of her guilt. I'm glad you have firmly closed that unhappy chapter in your life. Now, go on. Live your life and don't look back.
DEAR ABBY: My husband constantly tells me everything I do is wrong. He was in the Army for 23 years. We have been together for five years but married for only 2 1/2 of them.
When I try to cook, he tells me that's not the way to do it. I used to love cooking, but now I hate it, so I quit trying, although I still cook whenever he's gone. He is the only one of us with an income, but he said he doesn't want me working because of my health problems. He had a quadruple bypass six months ago and it changed him for the worse. His recovery was remarkable, but he began drinking. He no longer talks to me — he yells and argues from the time I get up until I go to bed.
I'm at the end of my rope and not sure what to do. I love him, but I can't live like this anymore. Please give me some ideas on what to do. — HURTING IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR HURTING: Start looking for a job. It may give you a degree of independence and get you out of the house. Your husband was already controlling before his surgery, and you need space to breathe. If his emotional abuse continues contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and describe what has been going on. Although you love your husband, you may have to decide if you can remain with the status quo.
DEAR READERS: I wish a very Happy Mother's Day to mothers everywhere — birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren, as well as dual-role dads. Orchids to all of you for the love you give not only today, but each and every day. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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Dear Abby: My son-in-law is awful to me
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2 days ago
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When parents play favourites with children, they're playing with fire
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A secure parental bond gives kids self-confidence and prevents them from feeling less loved when siblings get more attention from parents in certain stages of their development. "Unequal treatment is unavoidable, because every child has different needs," notes Döll-Hentschker. It would be silly, in her view, to treat a 2-year-old the same as a 4-year-old. "If you explain the reasons for the disparity, they're generally satisfied," she says. So long, that is, as the temporary unequal treatment doesn't devolve into favouritism. Experiencing a brother or sister who systematically receives more affection is deeply hurtful. "If a child feels persistently disadvantaged or ignored, it can have an extremely adverse effect on their self-esteem and self-image," warns Anja Lepach-Engelhardt, professor of developmental and educational psychology at the Private University of Applied Sciences (PFH) in Göttingen, Germany. But being a pet child can have lasting negative consequences too. "They're often made to take more responsibility for the parents' care," she points out. As regards factors determining a favoured child, "birth order can play a role," says Lepach-Engelhardt. "The time with the first-born in particular is often experienced especially intensely, and they get a lot of attention. On the other hand, they often have to take on more responsibility." Sometimes it's the youngest child that receives special attention, she adds, while the middle children tend to get the least. Gender can also play a role. A meta-analysis published this year by the American Psychological Association, reflecting data from about 20,000 individuals, concludes that parents may be inclined to give relatively favoured treatment to daughters, conscientious children, and agreeable ones. 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Equal treatment, to her way of thinking, doesn't mean treating all equally, but "fairly." Grandparents can play favourites or show disfavour too, points out Döll-Hentschker, "for example if a grandmother rejects her youngest grandson because she thought the family was complete without him and didn't need another child." The children directly affected by favouritism aren't the only ones who suffer. Sibling relationships can be severely damaged as well - by rivalry, jealousy or feelings of guilt. Children find themselves in roles they haven't chosen. "Some sibling relationships are actually destroyed by this or remain troubled for a lifetime," Döll-Hentschker says. The emotional hurt can be healed, however, if the parents and children are able to have a frank talk about it, and "parents acknowledge the pain suffered by a child who was always disadvantaged," says Becker-Stoll. Assuming responsibility for your relationships with your children and asking yourself, "What can I do to make them better?" she says, are important steps in seeing each child in their uniqueness and taking them seriously. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
2 days ago
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Dear Abby: I think my best friend is leaving me
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