Dear Richard Madeley: ‘How can I tell my lovely grown-up son he smells?'
My very lovely, handsome 33-year-old son seems to be doing very well in life socially and in his work, but he doesn't feel he has to wash his hair with shampoo, although he showers daily. He has also decided to grow it, so now it looks awful as well as having a certain farmyard smell. I'm quite sure that people recoil when they greet him. I can't understand why he doesn't realise this or doesn't care about it – and I know if I say something he will be furious with me. He likes clothes and dresses well, but doesn't wash his clothes very often so they smell too!
This is not just me being oversensitive – family and friends have all commented, but we can't bring ourselves to say anything for fear of upsetting him as he can be quite reactive. I am sure this must put off girls and even work prospects as he has to deal with people all the time.
He is very personable, articulate and intelligent, but he has had some anxiety issues in the past for which he has had counselling. He now seems fine, so I don't want to risk upsetting him.
I always brought my children up to be clean and tidy, but I was never fanatical. I just don't know how to deal with this.
— M, via email
Dear M,
You're paralysed by the fear of upsetting your boy. It's stopping you intervening and doing what is obviously right and justifiable. But ask yourself this, and be ruthlessly honest with the reply: what are you secretly more concerned about – making him angry, or making him angry with you? Are you a little afraid of him, M? Is that what's staying your hand?
I accept that of course it's easy for me to say – I'm not involved, I can stand back and be dispassionate. Then again, that's why you've written to me, isn't it?
The fact is, M, your son has smelly hair. Everyone notices it. And you're right – it will be having an impact on his personal and professional life. How could it not? I once worked in the same office as a reporter with seriously bad body odour. His flatmate testified to the fact that this man – then about the same age as your son – never showered. (He also wore the same clothes to work day after day.) No one wanted to sit near him and the editor began to receive complaints from people he was sent to interview. Eventually he called the reporter in to his office and tried to discuss the problem – with the result that the man exploded in anger, stormed out and never came back. A bad result all round.
But what if someone he loved and trusted – his mother, say – had 'had a word' with him earlier? Surely, of all the people in the world, a parent is best placed to raise something like this. After all, M, it was you who changed your baby boy's nappies, potty-trained him, taught him how to brush his teeth and yes – wash his hair. Well, now you have another personal and intimate duty to perform. In fact, I would gently suggest that you actually have a responsibility to do it. You owe it to him as his loving mother, looking out for her child.
So. Gird yourself, M. Sit your boy down and be firm, frank and fearless. Tell him he has a problem and it's your job as his mum to talk to him about it. Be absolutely assured in your own heart that you are doing the right thing – not for yourself, but for him. Yes, he may flounce off in a temper, but he'll get over it. So will you. And one day, he may actually thank you for your frankness.
The endless responsibilities of parenting, eh, M? They never let up, do they? Good luck.
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