I tearfully watched my controlling fiancé tear up all our wedding invitations after hen party kiss… can we reconnect?
WITH tears blurring my eyes, I watched my fiancé tear up all our wedding invitations one by one.
He'd blown up after my friend posted a photo from my hen night of me giving another man a peck on the lips.
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There was nothing to it — just a silly dare — but apparently I had disrespected him.
Even though my fiancé hadn't always been the best partner to me, I was still devastated when he said that we were over.
I'm 26, he's 28. We'd been together for five years.
In the beginning, he was a dream come true. I'd just split up from a toxic boyfriend and wasn't looking for anything serious but my fiancé-to-be wore me down with his thoughtfulness and generosity.
He stalked my Instagram before our first date, and turned up with a huge bunch of my favourite flowers, and a box of my favourite perfume.
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Within six months we were engaged. But from the moment I said yes, it felt like his behaviour changed.
He didn't like my friends, and moaned if I went on girls' nights out. I often cancelled plans in favour of staying home with him.
At first, those nights were cosy and romantic – he'd cook dinner or run me a bath with candles and rose petals.
As I sank into the water, I'd pinch myself that I'd met someone so kind.
But then he started using drugs, and unsavoury characters would come to our door at all hours, delivering his latest stash. I started having doubts, but was in too deep to get out.
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Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it
It all came to a head at my hen party. We drank a lot and friends shared their misgivings.
They thought he was controlling and manipulative. And as if to prove them right he started ringing my phone constantly, demanding that I came home.
Annoyed, I turned off my phone and grabbed the closest bloke to fulfil my dare. My best mate must have posted the photo on purpose to split us up.
I've moved back home with my mum but my fiancé still wants to meet and have sex, just in secret.
He says there's a chance we'll reconnect, if we 'take things slow'. What do you think?
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DEIDRE SAYS:
Unless your fiancé can prove he's committed to changing – agreeing to counselling for example – you'll end up navigating exactly the same issues.
Until he tackles his addiction and his jealousy, he'll never be a loving, supportive partner.
I know you're upset by the sudden split, but give it a little time and you'll start to see it as a blessing.
Read my support pack Mend Your Broken Heart. And please keep in touch – I offer ongoing support.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to
You can also send a private message on the
FANTASIES GET WILDER AS MY WIFE SHUNS SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: AS my wife grew less interested in sex, my own desires got wilder. Now I'm keen to have a bisexual experience with a male sex worker.
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My wife is the
apple
of my eye, but she had an operation a few years ago that put her into surgical menopause, making sex very painful for her.
She tried to hide the discomfort from me at first, but I could see she was flinching.
When she admitted it hurt, I obviously stopped all sex.
She seems perfectly happy and content to live a celibate life, but I'm frustrated and now my secret fantasies are getting out of control.
I'm 56, and my wife is 55. We've been together for 30 years.
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My most passionate recurring fantasy focuses on having hot sex with another man, who turns up at my hotel room instead of the female escort I thought I had booked. He arrives at the hotel room in motorcycle leathers so I don't immediately spot he's a man.
By the time he removes his helmet and I realise my mistake, I'm already too committed.
How bad would it be for me to book an escort and turn this dream into a reality? I love my wife and never, ever want to hurt her. But I can't live the rest of my life without sex.
DEIDRE SAYS:
I understand your frustration. A celibate lifestyle wasn't your choice.
Your wife may seem content, but have you spoken to her? This lack of sex means you both miss out on intimacy and affection, not just physical relief.
Advertisement
Your fantasy sounds erotic but it could bring your marriage crashing down.
I'd suggest you start by having an open, honest chat with your wife.
Explain how you're struggling with the lack of physical connection and how much you miss feeling close to her. See if she feels the same – she might not be as content as she seems.
Read my support packs Love And The Mature Woman, and
Menopause
Explained, which go into detail about the reasons women over 50 can find sex uncomfortable, with practical suggestions you can try.
Menopausal hormone changes can cause sex to feel painful, but topical oestrogen, vaginal moisturisers and
Advertisement
BRA CHOICE TOOK ME BY SURPRISE
DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT my husband liked my small boobs. But when I asked him to pick me a new bra recently, he came back with a padded monstrosity designed to make mountains out of molehills.
We're in our fifties and have been married for 26 years – long enough for him to know I'm a functional, cotton, B-cup type.
I expected him to buy a two-pack of basic bras from the supermarket.
Instead, he took himself off to a lingerie shop and brought back a red lace plunging one, with a tiny, matching thong. I can't shake the mental image of him prowling around, gawping at all the models.
He keeps asking me when I'm going to wear it.
DEIDRE SAYS:
If he's an otherwise loving husband, I wouldn't read too much into this. He may have thought he was treating you to something a little sexier.
Many men lack confidence in underwear shops. If you really dislike it, explain why, and perhaps buy yourself a more indulgent set to your taste – to give yourself a confidence boost.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: PLEASE could you help me arrange fairer visitation rights? My current situation is upsetting me.
My ex and I have three children, aged four, six and ten. Our divorce was finalised six months ago.
There weren't any traumatic reasons for the split, we simply stopped getting along.
The marital home was sold and my ex bought a new house, which is where our kids now live.
When we first split up, I'd return to the family home regularly to see the children.
Advertisement
I'd take them out for the day, cook tea, or do bedtime. It was relaxing and cosy. My ex used to go out to see friends or family.
Gradually, my contact has been whittled away. Now, my ex only lets me meet the children in public places – like a soft play centre – and she won't even tell me their new address.
Apparently this is 'easier' for her. I understand she wouldn't want me hanging round the house with her there, but I feel like a criminal only seeing them in public places.
I live in a shared house and there's no room for them to stay with me. But my ex won't even let me have the kids over for lunch.
I'm being edged out of their lives.
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DEIDRE SAYS:
I can see why you're upset. The current arrangement isn't really fostering goodwill or healthy communication.
Your ex may have drawn a line with you visiting her to try and establish this new chapter more easily.
But good communication is key here. Could a relative or good friend provide a safe venue for you and your children?
Read my support pack, When Parents Fall Out. It goes into the different ways children can suffer during a split. It would be great if you and your ex could read it together.
Another positive step might be mediation. A trained mediator will help you both to sort out a fair contact schedule that puts the children's needs first.
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You can get information through National Family Mediation (
AM I JUST HER 'TOY BOY'?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend is older than me, and very successful. We met eight years ago when I was 29 and she was 45.
We've always had a good relationship, but somehow I feel more like a plaything than a partner.
For example, her job paid way more than mine, so I quit to look after the housework. She even bought me an apron and often asks me to wear it with nothing underneath.
I also overheard her on the phone, referring to me as her 'toy boy'. Now I don't feel like an equal. I feel like a joke.
DEIDRE SAYS:
I'm sure most of us have used a jokey term when talking about our partner to a friend. But this one touched a nerve.
Talk to her and let her know you feel taken for granted and ridiculed.
This might be a sign that you're unfulfilled being a stay-at-home partner.
Why not explore getting back into work?
A new job could help you rebuild your confidence, and to feel more like an equal inside your relationship.
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- The Irish Sun
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The Irish Sun
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- The Irish Sun
I tearfully watched my controlling fiancé tear up all our wedding invitations after hen party kiss… can we reconnect?
DEAR DEIDRE: WITH tears blurring my eyes, I watched my fiancé tear up all our wedding invitations one by one. He'd blown up after my friend posted a photo from my hen night of me giving another man a peck on the lips. Advertisement There was nothing to it — just a silly dare — but apparently I had disrespected him. Even though my fiancé hadn't always been the best partner to me, I was still devastated when he said that we were over. I'm 26, he's 28. We'd been together for five years. In the beginning, he was a dream come true. I'd just split up from a toxic boyfriend and wasn't looking for anything serious but my fiancé-to-be wore me down with his thoughtfulness and generosity. He stalked my Instagram before our first date, and turned up with a huge bunch of my favourite flowers, and a box of my favourite perfume. Advertisement Within six months we were engaged. But from the moment I said yes, it felt like his behaviour changed. 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Now I'm keen to have a bisexual experience with a male sex worker. Advertisement My wife is the apple of my eye, but she had an operation a few years ago that put her into surgical menopause, making sex very painful for her. She tried to hide the discomfort from me at first, but I could see she was flinching. When she admitted it hurt, I obviously stopped all sex. She seems perfectly happy and content to live a celibate life, but I'm frustrated and now my secret fantasies are getting out of control. I'm 56, and my wife is 55. We've been together for 30 years. Advertisement My most passionate recurring fantasy focuses on having hot sex with another man, who turns up at my hotel room instead of the female escort I thought I had booked. He arrives at the hotel room in motorcycle leathers so I don't immediately spot he's a man. By the time he removes his helmet and I realise my mistake, I'm already too committed. 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If you really dislike it, explain why, and perhaps buy yourself a more indulgent set to your taste – to give yourself a confidence boost. FAMILY FORUM DEAR DEIDRE: PLEASE could you help me arrange fairer visitation rights? My current situation is upsetting me. My ex and I have three children, aged four, six and ten. Our divorce was finalised six months ago. There weren't any traumatic reasons for the split, we simply stopped getting along. The marital home was sold and my ex bought a new house, which is where our kids now live. When we first split up, I'd return to the family home regularly to see the children. Advertisement I'd take them out for the day, cook tea, or do bedtime. It was relaxing and cosy. My ex used to go out to see friends or family. Gradually, my contact has been whittled away. Now, my ex only lets me meet the children in public places – like a soft play centre – and she won't even tell me their new address. Apparently this is 'easier' for her. I understand she wouldn't want me hanging round the house with her there, but I feel like a criminal only seeing them in public places. I live in a shared house and there's no room for them to stay with me. But my ex won't even let me have the kids over for lunch. I'm being edged out of their lives. Advertisement DEIDRE SAYS: I can see why you're upset. The current arrangement isn't really fostering goodwill or healthy communication. Your ex may have drawn a line with you visiting her to try and establish this new chapter more easily. But good communication is key here. Could a relative or good friend provide a safe venue for you and your children? Read my support pack, When Parents Fall Out. It goes into the different ways children can suffer during a split. It would be great if you and your ex could read it together. Another positive step might be mediation. A trained mediator will help you both to sort out a fair contact schedule that puts the children's needs first. Advertisement You can get information through National Family Mediation ( AM I JUST HER 'TOY BOY'? DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend is older than me, and very successful. We met eight years ago when I was 29 and she was 45. We've always had a good relationship, but somehow I feel more like a plaything than a partner. For example, her job paid way more than mine, so I quit to look after the housework. She even bought me an apron and often asks me to wear it with nothing underneath. I also overheard her on the phone, referring to me as her 'toy boy'. Now I don't feel like an equal. I feel like a joke. DEIDRE SAYS: I'm sure most of us have used a jokey term when talking about our partner to a friend. But this one touched a nerve. Talk to her and let her know you feel taken for granted and ridiculed. This might be a sign that you're unfulfilled being a stay-at-home partner. Why not explore getting back into work? A new job could help you rebuild your confidence, and to feel more like an equal inside your relationship.
The Irish Sun
10-07-2025
- The Irish Sun
My husband won't stop looking at explicit pics of women despite knowing it's destroying my self-esteem
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband insists looking at pictures of half-naked women is 'normal', but it's destroying my self-esteem. It's not just what he's looking at that is getting me down, it is that he doesn't seem to care how it makes me feel. I'm 42, he's 46, and we've been married for 14 years. We've had ups and downs, like any couple, but I always believed we were honest with each other. I've always trusted him, and until now he's never given me any reason to worry. That was until I glanced at his screen one evening and saw him scrolling through a string of explicit social media profiles. He knew how much it would hurt me, but carried on drooling over these scantily clad young women. I've always been He knows that I struggle with self-image, and I've opened up to him about it so many times. I told him how comparing myself to younger, perfect-looking women online makes me feel inadequate. When I confronted him, he just shrugged and said, 'All men do it'. He insists it's harmless and that it's got nothing to do with how he feels about me. But I can't help feeling dismissed and unseen. Now every time he's on his phone or laptop, I feel tense. I don't want to be controlling or insecure, but I feel so low and rejected. Am I being unreasonable? READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE DEIDRE SAYS: No, you are being completely reasonable – although your husband doesn't want you to realise that. Trust and emotional safety are vital in a relationship, and when one partner knowingly does something that undermines the other's confidence, it can create a deep emotional wound. Understanding why your man's gone off sex You've clearly communicated how this affects your self-worth, and your husband is choosing not to listen. Try to have another honest conversation, focusing on how it makes you feel rather than what he's doing. Speaking about boundaries will help you both understand each other's needs more clearly and whether he is truly willing to prioritise your emotional wellbeing. You deserve to feel seen, valued and loved for who you are now – not compared to filtered strangers online. Read through my support pack, Raising Self-esteem, to help you rebuild confidence. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to You can also send a private message on the WIFE GRILLED ME WHEN ALL THE TIME SHE WAS A CHEAT DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER months of accusing me of cheating, it turns out my wife was sneaking around all along. I'm 44, and she's 41. We've been married for 11 years and have two children. I've never cheated on her, and I've bent over backwards to reassure her, even though her suspicion has made me feel like a criminal in my own home. Last week, I borrowed her iPad to book a hotel for a family trip and found messages she'd forgotten to log out of – explicit ones with a man from her work. They have been flirting, sexting and arranging to meet for drinks behind my back. I was stunned. The whole time she was pointing fingers at me, she was hiding her own betrayal. When I confronted her, she claimed it was 'just harmless fun'. Now I feel so hurt and betrayed. How could she do this? DEIDRE SAYS: Accusing someone of You've done everything to reassure her, and she's broken your trust. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical ones, especially when they're hidden behind lies. You're right to feel betrayed. Decide what you want next, and consider relationship counselling. My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, will help you process this. LEFT TO BRING UP BABY ON MY OWN DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I accidentally got pregnant, the last thing I expected was for my boyfriend to walk out on me. He's 35, I'm 33, and we've been together for a year. He has a young daughter from a previous relationship, so I assumed he understood what it meant to be a parent. When I told him I was pregnant, I expected shock but also support. Instead, he shut down and told me he couldn't do it again. He packed his bags and walked away, leaving me to raise the baby alone. While I know another baby is a huge responsibility, I thought he loved me and that we could do this together. He hasn't reached out since. I'm heartbroken, confused and scared. I don't want to pressure someone who doesn't want to be a dad, but I also feel so abandoned. DEIDRE SAYS: Your partner left you at your most vulnerable – it's understandable to feel hurt and abandoned. His choice to walk away reflects his own fears and limits, not your value as a partner or future parent. You don't have to do this alone – reach out to family, friends or local support services for help. Focus on your health and wellbeing, and take things one day at a time. Over time, you will build a strong foundation for you and your baby, with or without him. You can find support through SHE THREW DAD'S ASHES IN TRASH DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my dad died three years ago, I was devastated, but I found comfort knowing he was finally at rest. Now I've discovered my stepmother discarded his ashes like rubbish. I feel sick. I'm 36. My dad was married to her for seven years after my mum died. We never saw eye to eye. She was always cold with me and my sister, and she did her best to come in between us and our dad. After the funeral we drifted further apart and eventually lost contact. I had always assumed she'd scattered his ashes somewhere meaningful, or at least kept them. But during a recent conversation with a family friend, I found out she took them to the tip not long after he died. Just threw them out, like he didn't matter. I was stunned. No one told us. No ceremony, no goodbye. Nothing. My dad was a kind, generous man who deserved better. It feels like she erased him, like he was just rubbish to be cleared. I feel furious and hurt. If I'd known, I would have kept his ashes or scattered them somewhere special. I feel robbed of the chance to say goodbye. Now I lie awake imagining the last of him in some landfill, and it breaks my heart. DEIDRE SAYS: What your stepmother did is deeply disrespectful. Losing a parent is already hard enough, but finding out his ashes were discarded adds a second wave of grief. Sadly, you can't change what's happened, but you can reclaim your connection to him in your own way. Consider holding your own small memorial or visiting a place that was special to him. Expressing your feelings – whether through talking, writing or counselling – can help process the shock and betrayal. My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, ought to help you with this.
