How much cash should you give at a wedding, according to etiquette experts

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a day ago

In lots of countries and cultures it's the norm to give couples cash when they tie the knot.
In fact, it's often an integral part of the celebrations. In Greece and Cyprus guests pin bank notes to a dancing bride, while in Nigeria couples are literally sprayed with money as well wishers dance around them, throwing cash one note at a time.
While it's becoming increasingly common for British couples to turn their backs on the traditional gift registry and ask for cash gifts too, working out just how much to give and how to go about handing it over is something of an etiquette minefield.
Here Telegraph Money talks to two etiquette experts and a personal finance specialist to share their tips.
'First and foremost, you should give what you can afford, and never feel pressured into giving beyond your comfort zone,' says Liz Wyse, etiquette adviser at Debrett's. 'If the couple getting married are relatives or very close friends, you will naturally be more generous.'
But, if it's a destination wedding, or you've had to spend a lot of money just to attend, she adds that it's fine to downgrade the amount you give. You shouldn't, however, use any pre-wedding antics as a reason to give less. 'Stag and hen-dos should not really come into the equation, because they are organised by the best man or chief bridesmaid, not the couple,' she says.
Laura Windsor, who runs the eponymous Etiquette Academy, says that as a guide, the typical gift is between £50 to £150. 'If you are close friends or family, a gift of around £75 to £150 is appropriate. Those less closely connected to the couple may spend considerably less.'
Rather than debating the merits of a bank transfer (too crass?) or cash in an envelope (might get lost?), it's best to get a steer from the couple tying the knot.
Considerate couples should provide you with some guidance.
An online wedding cash registry makes it easy for your guests to give you money – they can choose how much they want to give and it may feel less demanding (or risky) than presenting them with your sort code and account number.
However, our etiquette experts warn that you still need to take care when telling friends and family you'd prefer cash gifts.
Although it's becoming more common for couples to ask for money on their wedding day, 'a bald request for money will still be disconcerting for many people,' says Wyse.
Laura Windsor, who runs an Etiquette Academy, agrees and says you should never ask for cash on your wedding invitations. 'Word of mouth is still considered the most polite method of telling guests about gifts, so if you are asking for a cash fund, getting your friends and family involved to spread the word about the registry is the most delicate approach and will help move things along.'
It is still worth adding the registry link to your invitation and then adding cash as one option for giving.
It can also help if you tell your guests what you'll be spending the money on – especially if some guests aren't on board with the idea. 'Be upfront about where the money is going, whether it be for home improvement, your honeymoon or a down payment on a house.'
Wyse agrees: 'If you suggest that a guest might like to make a contribution towards, for example, your honeymoon or a large purchase, such as a sofa, it is much more acceptable.'
Many online cash registries will let you customise your fund, so guests can see where their money will be going when they log on to contribute.
In recent years some couples have opted for an even more online option, putting out QR codes at the wedding itself with a link to give money on the day. 'It's their day so I guess if you are a guest you have to play by their rules,' says Windsor. 'It's a little transactional but today it's all about convenience and practicality as well as instant gratification.'
This is a tricky one.
Wyse says it's your prerogative to give whatever you like, but she warns that you might need to put your thinking cap on if you decide to buy them a gift instead. 'Generally, if couples are asking for money, that means there will not be a conventional wedding gift list, probably because the couple have already set up their home and do not have any pressing household needs. So if you want to give a gift instead of money you will need to find something quirky, unique or original.'
But there is always the risk that the couple won't be thankful – especially if their taste is not the same as yours.
Sarah Coles, head of personal finance at Hargreaves Lansdown, points out there's always one person at every wedding that turns up with homewares the couple didn't want or need.
'If you're very close to them, and giving them a really special gift they'll treasure for life, there's an argument that this is the exception to the rule,' she suggests. 'If it's a more distant relative, and you're hoping to give them a vase or a candle, then chances are they'd prefer the cash.'
However much you have spent attending the wedding, all our experts agree it's not OK to turn up without a gift at all. Not only is a wedding a significant life event, but it's a lavish act of hospitality too.
'It's traditionally frowned upon to show up and not give a gift at all – in the same way you wouldn't rock up to a child's birthday party without a present,' says Coles.
Wyse adds: 'You really should comply unless, of course, the couple stipulate that they do not want presents, or ask you to make a donation to a charity instead.'
If you really can't afford either a gift or to attend the wedding, Coles says it's important to be upfront with the couple. 'Bear in mind that you're not duty bound to go to the wedding if it will cause financial issues. Just thank them for the invitation, explain the situation, and arrange to meet up for a cut-price celebration later.'
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