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The Herald Scotland
an hour ago
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
A star is born in the hairdressing world
'So where d'you want to go for lunch when we get into town?' said the chap. His wife thought about this for a contemplative moment, then replied: 'Anywhere that doesn't take us past a Charles Rennie Mackintosh building, cos I can't be bothered with you giving me another lecture on how great he was.' Poor hubby looked crestfallen. Milk teeth Time to enter the jaws of despair. 'I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth,' says reader Barry Molloy. 'But I saw a bloke smile in Sainsbury's and the barcode scanner picked it up as a two-pint bottle of milk.' Mouthing off The Diary continues to examine the gory innards of people's mouths. Claire Meehan's son visited the dentist and was surprised when the bloke with the pointy implements told him that, at the relatively mature age of 19, he had two new teeth burrowing their way through his gums. 'So you've got a couple of wisdom teeth coming in,' said Claire, when the lad returned home. From behind his newspaper, Claire's husband muttered: 'That can't be right. I've never seen any evidence of wisdom. Are you sure they aren't eejit teeth?' Talk is cheap More teenage shenanigans. Reader Nick Yorke went with his 17-year-old son to Glasgow to see the Fantastic Four movie. As the pair returned home on the train, Nick's son realised, to his horror, that his phone was out of charge, meaning he wouldn't be able to sit hypnotised by TikTok videos for the remainder of the journey. Nick told the boy that all was not lost, and the journey might not be a total wash-out. 'We could just, y'know, chat for a bit,' said Nick hopefully. Nick's son merely shrugged, then said: 'Yeah, that… or I could sit here in despair.' After a beat, the boy concluded: 'I'll just sit here in despair.' Heroes to zeroes On the subject of the Fantastic Four. Reader Tony Kerr reminds us that the blockbuster flick would have been more fun if the superhero gang were Glasgow based, with suitably appropriate names. Instead of Mr Fantastic we'd have… Mr Awright. The Thing would be… The Hingmy. The Invisible Woman… Mrs Ward-she-go?! And The Human Torch… Burny Boab. Booze news Bon vivant Chris Warrington tells us: 'I've discovered it's true that whisky improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.'
The Herald Scotland
3 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
Farewell to a great American warrior with a wacky name
Having read the tributes to the burly chap, we discovered that his given name wasn't actually Hulk, but the slightly less fearsome sounding Terry. Just as well, really. It would have been rather cruel if his parents had glanced at their cute little baby on the hour of his birth and immediately thought to themselves: 'Yup. Gotta be Hulk.' And imagine if he hadn't evolved into such an imposing specimen of manhood, yet was genuinely called Hulk… then found himself working as an accountant. Who amongst us would trust a Hulk to submit our taxes at the end of the fiscal year? Mr Hogan was a revolutionary figure in the wrestling world because he actually developed muscles. When he started in the sport his fellow scrappers were more likely to visit a chip shop than spend sweaty hours in the gym. They preferred battered haddock to battering opponents. The Diary's scribes are similar to Hulk Hogan, for we are disciplined and dynamic when it comes to unearthing great stories for our readers, as you'll discover while perusing the following classic yarns from our archives… Stranger danger A reader buying The Herald overheard a couple who were peering at the small ads in the newsagent's window, with the female declaring: 'There's a three-piece suite here at a good price. In the right colour, too.' The chap, clearly not keen on the idea, came up with the inspired reply: 'Did your parents not warn you not to take suites from strangers?' Dead unusual A funeral director told us he thought he had heard all the unusual music requests for services until he attended a burial where mod band the Jam's Going Underground blasted from the speakers. Gambling on love A Glasgow reader driving instructor husband took a foreign student out on a Sunday afternoon. At the end of the lesson the pupil asked where he could find a bookie. Her husband's chatty reply that he didn't think they were open on a Sunday, and that his student didn't look like someone who gambled, brought a puzzled look, and the reply: 'It's Valentine's Day. I need to get my wife a bouquet.' Pilfered plants A colleague of a Paisley reader retired to a cottage near Dunoon where he planted trees and bushes around his garden, leaving the labels on to help identify them. Next morning, when he looked out, he saw that rabbits or deer had eaten all the leaves and tender branches. 'Perhaps,' he later told his pals, 'they thought I'd left a menu for them.' Fuzzy friendship A reader back from holiday in Texas swears blind that the preacher in the church he attended used the prayer: 'Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.'
The Herald Scotland
6 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
The really suspicious thing behind conspiracy theories
Inevitably the discussion expanded to cover other notorious conspiracy theories, including the veracity of the Moon landings and President Kennedy's murder. 'You know what makes me really suspicious,' said the barman. 'Why there's so many conspiracy theories. Someone's got to be behind it all…' Ropey behaviour Retired PE teacher John Leigh recalls a rule-breaking pupil. This errant youth once exhibited his love of classic movies by swinging on a rope one-handed while yodelling like Tarzan. All was going well until the boy, very unlike Tarzan, lost his grip and thumped to the floor. John rushed to the dazed and confused scamp, with the intention of pretending to show concern for the briefest of moments before inflicting a jolly good scolding. 'So what have you learned, laddie?' growled John, fully expecting the trounced teen Tarzan to explain in great detail that he now understood why it's always wrong to behave foolishly in class and ignore safety precautions. Instead the boy merely said: 'The lesson I learned from doing that is not to do that.' Ann Burnett sends us conclusive evidence that the liquidy stuff that squirts out of a cow's udders can be adapted into something you can spread on toast. (Image: Contributed) Brekky badinage Sometimes it's hard to enjoy a meal, especially when you're sitting opposite your mortal enemy, ie the person to whom you happen to be married. Alice Watkins was attempting to munch her bacon and eggs at breakfast, but instead ended up having a tiff with hubby. At one point her old fella raised his fork and glared through it meaningfully at his wife. 'What on earth are you doing?' hissed Alice. 'Looking through this fork and pretending you're banged-up in jail,' said hubby. 'It gives me the happy ever after I'm looking for.' Brought to book We mentioned a chap with an impressive library. Keith Sanders also has a pal who owns oodles of books, all stored in the living room. 'Ever read 'em?' inquired Keith. 'Nah,' said the pal. 'But it's great having so many bookshelves. It means never having to change the wallpaper.' Cold-shouldered The Diary is discussing the couple caught cuddling on camera at a Coldplay gig. 'Imagine living with the shame and embarrassment of being seen at a Coldplay concert,' shudders Peter Wright from West Kilbride. 'What would your friends and colleagues think?' Dead funny A grim joke of the reaperish kind from reader Jim Sharp, who asks: 'What do you call a deceased Finnish man?' The answer, of course, is… 'Finnished.'
The Herald Scotland
18-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
Meet the thriller writer who thought he was in a Beano adventure
The other day he was on a train when he assumed that he had slipped into an alternative reality; one governed by the rules of children's comic books. Liam concluded that he must be starring in an anarchic Bash Street Kids strip in the Beano, after he thought he heard over the Tannoy: 'Please be advised that peashooters are not permitted on trains.' Being a master of mystery fiction, he quickly solved the curious comic conundrum. 'Peashooters?' mused Liam. 'E-scooters!' Goldfish variations The Diary mentioned that most awe-inspiring of ferocious beasties, notorious for its starring role in a Spielberg movie… And, no, we weren't discussing E.T. We were talking about the great white shark, that toothy tearaway who picnicked on people in Jaws. Reader Chris Hanley proudly boasts that he's not intimidated by great whites. 'I looked them up in the dictionary,' he says, 'and was disappointed to discover that they're members of a species called the 'mackerel shark'. 'So it's just a mackerel, I thought. That's not much scarier than being chased through the salty brine by an oversize goldfish.' 'I was sort of hoping it was going to be champagne,' says ever-optimistic reader Chris Robertson (Image: Contributed) Roll with it Edinburgh-based stand-up comedian Jo Caulfield has been answering a questionnaire which asked: 'Which single battle do you think changed the course of history the most?' Most people would probably suggest the Battle of Hastings, Bannockburn, Agincourt or Waterloo. That's not the conclusion Jo arrives at, for she authoritatively says: 'Blur versus Oasis, AD 1995.' Blockhead Our correspondents are the fittest newspaper perusers in the land, possibly even the world. That's why we're not surprised when Grant Robertson from Falkirk announces: 'I got up this morning and ran around the block five times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.' Art attack The Diary has been praising the colourful mural of TV's Still Game gang that recently materialised on Paisley Road West. Alas, as we pointed out, not everyone is a fan of the image. On social media one harsh art critic states: 'To be fair, it looks not bad from a distance. If the distance is Paisley.' Another person has this pithy response: 'Game over.' Burnt offering Culinary expert Rose Bayley gets in touch with us to point out: 'Forgetting that you left Alphabetti Spaghetti on the stove could spell disaster.'
The Herald Scotland
15-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
See Glasgow? See that Still Game mural? Two points, quick...
Not everyone is in agreement, unfortunately. Diary correspondent David Donaldson has been perusing social media, and was shocked to discover mountains of mutinous invective heaped upon the innocent mural. 'Some of the comments are genius,' concedes David, though he says the one that sums up Glasgow best was posted by the person who wrote: '…traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals…' Mind your language A colleague of reader Karen Hughes arrived at work with a beatific grin slathered across his face, which he explained by saying: 'My daughter bought me a lovely waterfall pen for my birthday.' For a moment Karen was confused by this ambiguous statement, then she replied: 'What I think you mean is your daughter bought you a lovely fountain pen.' Slim pickings The Diary is intrigued by the English language, and one day we hope to master it. Though, of course, first we will have to understand it. Which might prove tricky, points out Keith Billingham from Newton Mearns, who says: 'Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?' Foster Evans says that as you are heading towards Amarillo, you'll pass Elk City, where birds are safe unless… you're a chicken. Then you're just a meal. (Image: Contributed) The name game Our American cousins are a daring bunch, especially when it comes to the naming of their progeny. Reader Nick McFarland knows a chap in the States who has a kid that, for some reason, he decided to name… Kid. 'What happens when he becomes an adult?' Nick asked the visiting pal, when they were enjoying drinks one evening. 'Guess he's stuffed,' shrugged the pal, and had another sip of his whisky. Hot and bothered The sun did its big glittering ball in the sky thing, at the weekend. Lots of folk enjoyed the heat treat, though others, not so much. Susan Lamb was in her local supermarket in Glasgow's southside, and overheard an elderly woman say to one of the workers: 'Ooh… lovely air-conditioning you've got. I might stay here all night.' 'You'll never get away with it,' replied the worker, hopefully in jest, for he added: 'If I find you hiding in the frozen peas, I'll be punting you right out those sliding doors.' Game on Exasperated reader Liz Price gets in touch to tell us: 'Autocorrect keeps making me write things that I didn't Nintendo.'
