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The Herald Scotland
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
The really suspicious thing behind conspiracy theories
Inevitably the discussion expanded to cover other notorious conspiracy theories, including the veracity of the Moon landings and President Kennedy's murder. 'You know what makes me really suspicious,' said the barman. 'Why there's so many conspiracy theories. Someone's got to be behind it all…' Ropey behaviour Retired PE teacher John Leigh recalls a rule-breaking pupil. This errant youth once exhibited his love of classic movies by swinging on a rope one-handed while yodelling like Tarzan. All was going well until the boy, very unlike Tarzan, lost his grip and thumped to the floor. John rushed to the dazed and confused scamp, with the intention of pretending to show concern for the briefest of moments before inflicting a jolly good scolding. 'So what have you learned, laddie?' growled John, fully expecting the trounced teen Tarzan to explain in great detail that he now understood why it's always wrong to behave foolishly in class and ignore safety precautions. Instead the boy merely said: 'The lesson I learned from doing that is not to do that.' Ann Burnett sends us conclusive evidence that the liquidy stuff that squirts out of a cow's udders can be adapted into something you can spread on toast. (Image: Contributed) Brekky badinage Sometimes it's hard to enjoy a meal, especially when you're sitting opposite your mortal enemy, ie the person to whom you happen to be married. Alice Watkins was attempting to munch her bacon and eggs at breakfast, but instead ended up having a tiff with hubby. At one point her old fella raised his fork and glared through it meaningfully at his wife. 'What on earth are you doing?' hissed Alice. 'Looking through this fork and pretending you're banged-up in jail,' said hubby. 'It gives me the happy ever after I'm looking for.' Brought to book We mentioned a chap with an impressive library. Keith Sanders also has a pal who owns oodles of books, all stored in the living room. 'Ever read 'em?' inquired Keith. 'Nah,' said the pal. 'But it's great having so many bookshelves. It means never having to change the wallpaper.' Cold-shouldered The Diary is discussing the couple caught cuddling on camera at a Coldplay gig. 'Imagine living with the shame and embarrassment of being seen at a Coldplay concert,' shudders Peter Wright from West Kilbride. 'What would your friends and colleagues think?' Dead funny A grim joke of the reaperish kind from reader Jim Sharp, who asks: 'What do you call a deceased Finnish man?' The answer, of course, is… 'Finnished.'
The Herald Scotland
18-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
Meet the thriller writer who thought he was in a Beano adventure
The other day he was on a train when he assumed that he had slipped into an alternative reality; one governed by the rules of children's comic books. Liam concluded that he must be starring in an anarchic Bash Street Kids strip in the Beano, after he thought he heard over the Tannoy: 'Please be advised that peashooters are not permitted on trains.' Being a master of mystery fiction, he quickly solved the curious comic conundrum. 'Peashooters?' mused Liam. 'E-scooters!' Goldfish variations The Diary mentioned that most awe-inspiring of ferocious beasties, notorious for its starring role in a Spielberg movie… And, no, we weren't discussing E.T. We were talking about the great white shark, that toothy tearaway who picnicked on people in Jaws. Reader Chris Hanley proudly boasts that he's not intimidated by great whites. 'I looked them up in the dictionary,' he says, 'and was disappointed to discover that they're members of a species called the 'mackerel shark'. 'So it's just a mackerel, I thought. That's not much scarier than being chased through the salty brine by an oversize goldfish.' 'I was sort of hoping it was going to be champagne,' says ever-optimistic reader Chris Robertson (Image: Contributed) Roll with it Edinburgh-based stand-up comedian Jo Caulfield has been answering a questionnaire which asked: 'Which single battle do you think changed the course of history the most?' Most people would probably suggest the Battle of Hastings, Bannockburn, Agincourt or Waterloo. That's not the conclusion Jo arrives at, for she authoritatively says: 'Blur versus Oasis, AD 1995.' Blockhead Our correspondents are the fittest newspaper perusers in the land, possibly even the world. That's why we're not surprised when Grant Robertson from Falkirk announces: 'I got up this morning and ran around the block five times. Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.' Art attack The Diary has been praising the colourful mural of TV's Still Game gang that recently materialised on Paisley Road West. Alas, as we pointed out, not everyone is a fan of the image. On social media one harsh art critic states: 'To be fair, it looks not bad from a distance. If the distance is Paisley.' Another person has this pithy response: 'Game over.' Burnt offering Culinary expert Rose Bayley gets in touch with us to point out: 'Forgetting that you left Alphabetti Spaghetti on the stove could spell disaster.'
The Herald Scotland
15-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
See Glasgow? See that Still Game mural? Two points, quick...
Not everyone is in agreement, unfortunately. Diary correspondent David Donaldson has been perusing social media, and was shocked to discover mountains of mutinous invective heaped upon the innocent mural. 'Some of the comments are genius,' concedes David, though he says the one that sums up Glasgow best was posted by the person who wrote: '…traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals, traffic cones, murals…' Mind your language A colleague of reader Karen Hughes arrived at work with a beatific grin slathered across his face, which he explained by saying: 'My daughter bought me a lovely waterfall pen for my birthday.' For a moment Karen was confused by this ambiguous statement, then she replied: 'What I think you mean is your daughter bought you a lovely fountain pen.' Slim pickings The Diary is intrigued by the English language, and one day we hope to master it. Though, of course, first we will have to understand it. Which might prove tricky, points out Keith Billingham from Newton Mearns, who says: 'Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?' Foster Evans says that as you are heading towards Amarillo, you'll pass Elk City, where birds are safe unless… you're a chicken. Then you're just a meal. (Image: Contributed) The name game Our American cousins are a daring bunch, especially when it comes to the naming of their progeny. Reader Nick McFarland knows a chap in the States who has a kid that, for some reason, he decided to name… Kid. 'What happens when he becomes an adult?' Nick asked the visiting pal, when they were enjoying drinks one evening. 'Guess he's stuffed,' shrugged the pal, and had another sip of his whisky. Hot and bothered The sun did its big glittering ball in the sky thing, at the weekend. Lots of folk enjoyed the heat treat, though others, not so much. Susan Lamb was in her local supermarket in Glasgow's southside, and overheard an elderly woman say to one of the workers: 'Ooh… lovely air-conditioning you've got. I might stay here all night.' 'You'll never get away with it,' replied the worker, hopefully in jest, for he added: 'If I find you hiding in the frozen peas, I'll be punting you right out those sliding doors.' Game on Exasperated reader Liz Price gets in touch to tell us: 'Autocorrect keeps making me write things that I didn't Nintendo.'
Perth Now
13-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Perth Now
Scooter Braun hails Justin Bieber's 'beautiful' new album
Scooter Braun thinks Justin Bieber's new album is "beautiful, raw, and truly him". The 31-year-old singer released his new record, Swag, on Friday (11.07.25), and Scooter - who discovered Justin back in 2008 - has taken to social media to heap praise on the album. The 44-year-old businessman - who managed Justin through the peak years of his career - said on Instagram: "Been having a beautiful start to the weekend and been getting a lot of texts about how I feel about Justin's new album. So I will just leave this here.. This is without a doubt, the most authentically Justin Bieber album to date. It's beautiful, raw, and truly him. And that matters. (sic)" Justin reportedly relished having "full creative freedom" over his new album. The chart-topping star is no longer under Scooter's management, and he's not "having to stress about creating the perfect single, or perfect album". A source told Rolling Stone magazine: "Breaking away from Scooter Braun and his team has been something that Justin has wanted for so long, and now that he's fully free, he could finally share this album with his fans and with the world. "Having full creative freedom, sadly, is something new for him as an artist. Not having to stress about creating the perfect single, or perfect album, allowed for him to create the best body of music he's ever made." Meanwhile, Scooter recently confessed that he felt "a lot of guilt" towards the young artists that he managed. The businessman previously worked with some of the biggest names in the music industry, including the likes of Justin, Ariana Grande and Demi Lovato - but he now looks back on his role with some regrets. Speaking on The Diary of a CEO podcast, Scooter explained: "At this age, I feel a lot of guilt. I feel a lot of guilt because I worked with so many artists and like I told you, I hadn't taken the time to look at myself or do the therapy myself until I was older. "So I didn't understand at 25 years old, at 27 years old, at 30 years old, that they each were coming from very unique backgrounds of their own stuff with their own families and their own childhoods and growing up this way, and being seen by the whole world."
The Herald Scotland
09-07-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
Could Wet Wet Wet have some serious competition?
Who can deny that Taylor Swift is the Mozart of our era, while graffiti artist Banksy is perhaps loading his spray cans at this very moment, as he prepares to make improvements to Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling by adding canary yellow Speedos to the image of Adam. Literature has also reached a pinnacle in the form of the Herald Diary, though, of course, some old-fashioned folk still prefer their literature in book form. Bibliophile Jason Daniels visited a pal, and found himself browsing the chap's well-stocked bookcases. 'Quite a library,' said Jason, not even trying to conceal his jealousy. 'Oh, I don't have time for reading,' said the pal. 'But if I did, these are the books I'd read.' Crunch time The Diary is fascinated by the interaction between teachers and pupils, in much the same way that some folk enjoy watching chaps in top hats taming grouchy lions at the circus. PE teacher John Williamson attempted to inspire an incalcitrant student to try harder at cross-country running. 'Come on,' he said to the boy. 'You're tough. You've got grit.' 'Wit dae ye mean?' said the boy. 'You sayin' I'm like gravel?' Ethical Ed 'I don't go out with married women,' says morally upstanding reader Edward Graham, who adds: 'Unfortunately my wife tells me that's no excuse for not taking her out for dinner.' Uplifting comment The past is a foreign country, pointed out author LP Hartley. What's also true is that foreign countries are foreign countries. None more so than the USA, which is exactly like the United Kingdom… if the United Kingdom was nothing like the United Kingdom. To underline this truth, reader Samantha Russell notes: 'In Britain it's called a lift, but in America it's an elevator. I guess people are just raised differently.' Talk is cheap When Robin Medford was asked to make a best man speech at a pal's wedding, he took the gig seriously, and assumed he delivered it with panache. 'What did you think of my speech?' said Robin to his wife, later that day. 'Um… well…' said his wife, 'you certainly enunciated well.' 'But what about the jokes?' said an increasingly desperate Robin. 'Like I said,' continued his wife, 'great enunciation.' Can you dig it? Gloomy thought of the day from reader Dave Moseley: 'Just when you think you've hit rock-bottom, life hands you a shovel.'
