A Friend Asked to Bring My Ex to My Party. Was It OK to Disinvite Her?

New York Times

a day ago

Last year, my best friend from college (early 30s) told me that she had maintained a friendship with my college ex in the 10 years since our breakup. I was taken aback by this, since she didn't know him before my relationship with him. Recently, she asked if she could bring him as a guest to a party of college friends that I'm hosting. I was shocked, considering the pain our breakup caused me — though I am now happily married to a wonderful man. What's more, my friend and my ex both have significant others, though she denies any romantic involvement with him. I disinvited her from my party after letting her know that continuing our friendship is forcing me to relive a painful chapter in my life. Was this the right move?
FRIEND
Happily married or not, it seems to me that you have not adequately processed your decade-old breakup with your college ex. And there is no shame in that: Most of us are carrying around unresolved issues from our pasts. But when ancient history has the power to damage current relationships, we should look for help. I can't imagine disinviting a good friend from a party simply because she asked to bring a guest I disliked. Why didn't you just say no?
Your friend did nothing wrong in remaining close with your ex. I have many friends to whom I was introduced by mutual acquaintances, and the fate of these friendships has never depended on my relationship with the people who introduced us. I'm sorry that you had a rough breakup. (Many of us have!) But I wonder if your friend didn't tell you about her friendship with your ex because she anticipated an outsize response from you — which you certainly delivered.
I would call your friend, apologize and ask her to consider coming to your party. You may hold firm, of course, on excluding your ex. But I would stop speculating about his love life. It's none of your business. And I encourage you to explore — with a therapist — the ways in which this old relationship may be negatively affecting your current ones.
Funny, I Didn't See You in Jamaica …
We employ a wonderful housekeeper who works for several tenants in our building. This morning, my husband ran into her in the lobby, and he noticed that she was wearing a distinctive T-shirt: one that I bought at a music festival in Jamaica. When he told me about it, I scoured my drawers hoping for a coincidence, but my T-shirt was missing. I don't want to accuse her of wrongdoing, and if she were going to take something, there are more valuable items than a T-shirt. What should I do?
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